Jump to content

Husband Is Threatening Divorce Unless I Get Pregnant


Recommended Posts

Hello everyone. So, here is what is going on this time in my struggling marriage, and this is most likely the end of it.

My husband has been wanting children ever since we met. Due to the numerous relationship issues we have had, including during the five years of our marriage, I always postponed having children. For example, one month after we got married we moved into his parents' house and lived there for 2 years. I did not want to get pregnant at that point. I wanted my own place to live.

 

We moved out of his parents' house three years ago and rented a townhome. As of this morning, we were planning on buying a house this summer.

 

So, now, here we are. We have been fighting constantly, and this morning he told me that he wants his own biological children. If he can't have that, he cannot commit to a house and he will want a divorce. He said the only two things in life that will make him happy is having children and living on a lake. (We don't live on a lake right now, but I was willing to move in a few years, once I am ready regarding my business. So, basically, now he told me that he doesn't want to buy a house with me and will divorce me unless I get pregnant.

 

I'm 43 years old and I told him what if we try and nothing works due to my age? He said it doesn't matter anymore, because I should have been trying 5 years ago. So, to me, I count very little to him. If someone loves you, they can walk away like this? I am so hurt and disappointed. Should I cut my losses and move out now? I will most likely not get pregnant, and given the ultimatum, I don't want to have a child with a man who can even say this to me.

 

If I had a child, he would be there for the child and it would have nothing to do with me. I don't believe he loves me at all. Thoughts? Please help.

Edited by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Paragraphs
  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

He won't believe me. He has called me a liar many times before, and will simply tell me that I am postponing again. He has already told me that things will never be perfect to have children. You either want them and have them, or you don't.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Your marriage sounds like a battlefield...why not take this opportunity and divorce once and for all?

 

He doesn't love you, he wants to procreate.

  • Like 3
Link to post
Share on other sites
amaysngrace
He won't believe me. He has called me a liar many times before, and will simply tell me that I am postponing again. He has already told me that things will never be perfect to have children. You either want them and have them, or you don't.

 

Having a home of your own offers stability. You really shouldn't bop kids in and out of schools because then they'll be the new kid so it's a valid point.

 

And no things won't ever be perfect because nothing is but there's nothing wrong with having standards, especially for when it comes to bringing children into the world.

 

But if you don't think he loves you then screw that and leave. Life's too short to be unhappy every day and children will just tie you to him forever.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

Yes, I really feel strongly that he doesn't love me. When you love someone you don't give them ultimatums. If I listed all the challenges our relationships has had, you'd be reading until tomorrow. All I can say is that I am emotionally EXHAUSTED! Absolutely exhausted.

Link to post
Share on other sites
RecentChange

Divorce him.

 

What, YOU do not matter to him? Give him babies or you are gone? What kind of BS is that?

 

You are 43 years old, the odds of you getting pregnant without fertility treatment is very low.

 

Researchers found that 40-year-old women treated for infertility had a 25 percent chance of getting pregnant using their own eggs. But by age 43 that number dropped to 10 percent, and by 44 it had plummeted to 1.6 percent.
https://www.babycenter.com/0_age-and-fertility-getting-pregnant-in-your-40s_1494699.bc

 

How stressed do you think you would feel.... trying to get pregnant knowing your husband would leave you if you don't?

 

How would you two as a couple handle a miscarriage? Mothers over 44 have a 60% loss rate (https://www.advancedfertility.com/images/ivf-age-miscarriage.gif) . Would he show you the unconditional love you need, or kick you to the curb because you didn't produce a child for him?

 

You are not a brood mare, you are his wife. And if he has these requirements, while he can't meet yours (a home first etc) - I think you should cut your losses.

 

Just saw your other threads - Honey, I know its going to be so painful, but cut your losses. Its going to hurt a lot less than spending more time and energy trying to make this failing relationship work. The way he treats you IS NOT OKAY!!!

 

PLEASE do not bring a kid into this mix (even though its statistically very unlikely to happen).

Edited by RecentChange
  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

Thank you for your response. It helps to know that what I suspect others think as well. Over the years, he has destroyed my self-esteem. I have always felt unattractive around him and that any other woman is more interesting to him that me. I've been in other relationships before him, and no one made me feel as inadequate as he has. Porn, taking pictures of other women, joblessness, threats of divorce everytime we have an argument, multiple break-ups because he needed "alone time", and the list goes on. By the way, when we were just dating, (we dated for 6 years, married for 5) during the "alone time" break ups and his "I am not sure what I want" break ups, I would search and find him on dating sites. In fact on one, in his profile he had used pictures I took of him while on vacation. So, we have quite a challenging history. Maybe I should not be this surprised then. Maybe it is time to go.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Before reading your post, I was prepared to write my reply and tell you that your husband's ultimatum is unkind and unfair, and you should divorce him.

 

Having read your post, I now wonder why you married and stayed married to this man if you knew that he wanted children and you were not prepared to have children. It seems unkind and unfair to him that you have postponed and delayed pregnancy until the age where it is unlikely you will get pregnant and such that he has lost the opportunity to divorce you and find someone else who has the same goals in life. You have not been honest with your feelings or considerate of his dreams and that would make me furious!

  • Like 3
Link to post
Share on other sites
RecentChange

It was time to go, many many years ago.

 

Unfortunately it sounds like his abuse has torn you down so much - you allowed, tolerated, and accepted things that should have not been put up with for a MOMENT!

 

He disrespects you so much, and it sounds like he has serious issues when it comes to women (that whole photo thing is so creepy).

 

PLEASE, please get some help for yourself? Perhaps a counselor? It seems like you are completely blind to how incredibly dysfunctional this is. Most women would have kicked him to the curb for offense #3, you are now at #578,245.

 

People will treat you, how you allow them to treat you.

 

He won't get better. I looked back I was giving you the same advice a year and a half ago. LEAVE HIM. He doesn't deserve you.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Yes, I really feel strongly that he doesn't love me. When you love someone you don't give them ultimatums. If I listed all the challenges our relationships has had, you'd be reading until tomorrow. All I can say is that I am emotionally EXHAUSTED! Absolutely exhausted.

 

When you love someone and you know that there is something very important to that person that is not a part of your plan... you don't string them along for years and take away their opportunity to fulfill their dreams. That's not love either.

 

While your desire to wait initially was reasonable, however you have effectively taken away his options... Marriage only works when both people are happy, and when both people get their needs met.

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

I have wanted children. I just have not wanted children during times when our relationship was completely unstable. For 4 out of the 5 years of our marriage he was unemployed. We were living with his parents for 2 out of those 4 unemployed years. I did not feel bringing a child into that situation was healthy or fair to the child. If someone wants children as badly as he does, then he should have worked a little harder to create an environment that is appropriate for having children. Such as getting a job and a roof to put over his family's head. I am not opposed and was never opposed to having children.

  • Like 4
Link to post
Share on other sites

Well, with this new tidbit of info I will change my comment to say you were right to not have children with this man. Your relationship is very dysfunctional and you should have left a long time ago...

  • Like 4
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

I know, I should have left. I feel like I am a weak person for staying. But maybe this is it, especially because he has made the choice for us both.

Link to post
Share on other sites
amaysngrace

You don't need to explain your choices pippie, especially to anyone who blames you for not giving this man a child.

 

You'd be a good mom. You're even protective of the children you don't yet have.

  • Like 3
Link to post
Share on other sites
RecentChange

While your desire to wait initially was reasonable, however you have effectively taken away his options... Marriage only works when both people are happy, and when both people get their needs met.

 

Back in January you posted:

 

Originally Posted by Pippie75 View Post

- we've had problems since we were dating, breaking up multiple times and reuniting

- we argue several times a week over things that shouldn't matter

- I feel as though he constantly criticizes me

- he is frustrated because I can't change such simple little things

- we don't enjoy the same things and he brings it up constantly, how he can't be himself and that I don't share in his likes

- when it comes to sex and intimacy, its a disaster. We rarely have sex and he has to be forced to be affectionate.

- I think he masturbates in the bathroom, if I bring anything up regarding how long he is in there, he explodes with anger and frustration and tells me that I am being invasive.

- I know he's lying because I've seen the downloaded porn on his phone.

 

- I am trying to live my life as though he doesn't exist

- there is no friendship anymore, no passion, and he brings me down

- he is always telling me how unhappy he is and that most of it is my fault.

- I know that if I could turn back the clock and never married him, I would be a lot happier right now.

 

 

Sometimes this little exercise is helpful to really look at what you have written.

 

The most disturbing thing for me is how you have written that he blames you for the problems in the relationship and for his unhappiness. If he is unhappy in the relationship, then that is HIS responsibility. You should not have to change what you do to accommodate how he wants something done, or take up some of his interests, to make this man happy. Because, the sad truth is that it probably doesn't matter what you do... He will likely never be happy.

 

I think your advice then was solid. This relationship, from what the OP tells us has always been terrible. He has a porn addition, he joins dating sites, he sneaks pictures of women in public and jacks off to them, he belittles her, tears her down, insults her, and basically emotionally abuses her.

 

I think he "gave up his dreams" when he started being such a grade A ********* to his wife.

  • Like 4
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

You are right. It was very helpful to read what I had written before. I tend to get so focused in the now, and forget all the ways he has, or rather, I have allowed him to hurt me. Thank you for that.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

Why am I picturing him with someone else, someone younger, and he is completely different with her? He's happy, laughing, smiling, and they have the children he wants. The eleven years of my life that I gave him, and put up with, will be nothing to him. I will be replaced with a younger model that can give him what he wants.

Link to post
Share on other sites
amaysngrace
Why am I picturing him with someone else, someone younger, and he is completely different with her? He's happy, laughing, smiling, and they have the children he wants. The eleven years of my life that I gave him, and put up with, will be nothing to him. I will be replaced with a younger model that can give him what he wants.

 

You think that because you have low self-esteem.

 

But the truth is he didn't treat you poorly because you're you. He treated you that way because he's him.

 

Personally I feel sorry for whoever he gets with next because he's going to hurt her too.

  • Like 5
Link to post
Share on other sites
Cullenbohannon

Why do we picture you with someone else, someone better and completely different from him. You are happy, laughing, smiling, with or without children The next eleven years of your life will be worth everything to you. He will be replaced with a loving model that can give you what you deserve.

 

Fixed that for you.

 

STBW

Edited by Cullenbohannon
  • Like 3
Link to post
Share on other sites
bathtub-row

I don’t think you’d have any problems getting pregnant at your age. But I think you already know you’d be bringing children into this war zone. Children in the mix will only worsen things because I suspect that they’ll become his possessions. He’s unrealistic and immature; and willing to end things with you over this. I’d walk and never look back.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

I also believe he is a narcissist and believes what he says. He has always told me he loves, but how can a person love someone and be so ready to leave them if they don't get what they want. Especially because I told him, right now I would be willing to try and have children. That is not good enough for him. Because he said I should have been trying sooner.

I wonder if this is just another excuse to get out of the relationship. Whatever it is, this type of behavior has happened so many times before. I'm tired of it.

Link to post
Share on other sites
×
×
  • Create New...