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Husband is now asking for a hall pass.


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Hi everyone, haven't posted in a while and I'm needing some advice again. My husband and I have been going to counseling and while it's been helpful for me individually, I can't say our marriage is any better yet.

 

(This is a follow up to my previous post titled Past Interaction with boss affecting marriage today)

 

Since I last posted, we agreed to break the lease on our condo because of financial problems and we were supposed to move in to his dads house where there are 2 empty rooms. Well, things took a turn and my husband suggested we live separately and the kids and I would go to my moms house while he went to his dads. He wrote me a letter and said he needed this space from me to figure things out and for personal growth. I won't lie, this created a tear in my heart. But being that I'm pregnant and the fighting and constant tension were causes of stress for me, part of me wanted a break from all the fighting and I wanted some peace as well. So I'm living with my mom, cramped into her bedroom with my 2 girls. This has caused so many challenges for me and it has not been easy adjusting to living here. There's an issue with the distance to my daughters school, the fact he didn't leave me with the car and other things.

 

He has said and done so many emotionally immature things lately. I won't go into detail about them here but this post is more about what he finally told me tonight that has completely broken my heart.

 

He said that he loves me and wants to be with me. He wants our marriage to work but he wanted me to consider that I'm the only woman he has ever been with since he was 17. (He is now 30) And the part that hurt me, is he said we have to be realistic and know that it's likely it can't stay that way forever. As in, he feels the need, desire, to explore with other women. He went on to say that I could have control over who, when, where, etc...This has been a fear of mine for a very long time. I don't know why I was dumb enough to believe I could ever be the only sexual/romantic experience for the rest of his life. It breaks my heart that I'm not enough for him, if I can be honest. I told him this. I told him that I didn't want to take him back if what he wanted was to have sex with some other woman. I've been loyal to my husband since we started dating and I never even once had a desire for another man. I married him because I knew he was it for me. This hurts so much.

 

I know this whole thing started with my husband having trust issues with me based on my untrustworthy behavior because I failed to set boundaries with other men that have disrespected me as a woman. I made some mistakes here, I know....but I don't think the punishment meets the crime here. I have taken steps to try to make things better such as allowing him access to go through my phone, laptop, sharing my location at all times, I stopped interacting on social media to focus on us, I broke relationships with guy friends, I'm working on myself as a person and how I show up in the relationship and being more cautious of that. I'm reading self help books and going to counseling. I'm trying to listen more and am less defensive. What else can I do here? I offered a lie detector test, yes. He said that wasn't necessary.

 

So now I have to make the decision of giving him a hall pass and accepting him after he's "been" with some other woman? We have 2 kids and 1 on the way. I don't know if I'm emotionally prepared to accept him back after that. I think it'll create more problems in our marriage. But divorcing him and setting him free means the kids suffer a divorce. It means that eventually I'd be dating a new person with their own problems and having the kids have step parents. This means picturing him with another woman at some point in his life anyway and maybe even marrying another woman! I don't know what is worse. Giving him the pass, or divorce.

 

Please give me some honest, constructive feedback.

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You are allowed to say NO! Say hell no!

 

He took vows with you - you tell him you expect him to honor his damn vows!

 

My guess is he already has his eye on someone in particular. Ask him. Check his phone records too.

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healing light

Honestly, if he wants an open marriage and you don't, that sounds like grounds for divorce to me. It sounds like he's made up his mind that he wants to experience other women. He'll end up resenting you if you don't "let him" (and sneak around your back, imo) and disrespecting you if you do. Put your health first.

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Hello NY Dame.

To me it looks like you changed your husband into the insecure man he is now.

You haven't been able to make him feel safe and your nr 1.

You never wanted that but did. He never saw your remorse if there was any.

Look and read Ls, 25% of the woman in infedelity is f@ckin their boss.

You cheated , lied and got rid of the evidence.

You looked him in the eye and lied, Your husband feels the balance is way off.

He thinks and genuine feels that for your marriage to heal, you must be seeing eye to eye again.

Sorry Lady, with al.respect,.you caused this.

good luck.

 

 

 

Dutchman1

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As I said in your original thread your story is very shady and it's extremely doubtful he believes that you didn't carry on a long term affair with this guy. At the he very least what you did was insensitive.

 

This is a case of the toothpaste out of the tube. Your marriage as you knew it is done, it will be impossible to rebuild because he clearly doesn't believe you and seems to have checked out of the marriage.

 

Honestly, it sounds like he is letting you down "easy".

 

My wife and I were together young like the two of you, making the break is hard because you are all he knows, but make no mistake he is breaking away from you.

 

As mentioned before, it's a very good chance there is already another woman in the picture.

 

In my opinion, you should absolutely not accept his sleeping around, even if he believes you did the same. Long term it will only bring you more pain.

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He thinks you had a long term affair, and now he wants to play as well. The fact that you've never been able to convince him otherwise is telling. Did you not take the polygraph? If you didn't , why not?

 

Truth be told, if you were my wife, I wouldn't have believed you either. You were willing to have a dishonest marriage, willing to lie to your H in order to protect a long time friend of the family who was also your boss that you had an overly flirty relationship with, who you exchanged flirty texts with. That alone would be enough for me to tell my wife that we were done, but then when your boss sent you a dick pic, which was at your request, you deleted it along with everything else in order to protect him. You chose protecting your work-husband, bc that's what he was, over your H.

 

You guys had successfully rug swept, if there's such a thing, until you decided to let this guy back into your life, and become his subordinate again. You know that your relationship with this guy had put a strain on your marriage before, as your H was insecure about your relationship with this guy, and then you invited him again into your life. Once again, you choose this guy over your H's feelings.

 

If I were him, NOTHING could convince me you hadn't been having an affair this entire time. Except a polygraph, which you were advised to do, bit you didn't.

 

So my question is, why didn't you get a polygraph?

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Please give me some honest, constructive feedback.

 

Ask the mods to merge the threads.

I do not mind reading and taking the time to advise.

I do mind that a new thread is started and the important

background information is not there.

 

When another poster points out to a possible previous affair and you

leave out this important past history you are refusing to be honest with

us. This shows a lack of honesty and integrity. No wonder your BH is

having trust issues with you and suspects the worst.

 

Even if you did not have an affair your behavior makes it impossible

for your BH to believe you.

 

Another example of when to not start a new thread.

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It seems whether you agree to the hall pass or not it's going to happen. Yes there is someone on his radar that he wants to get to know. Let him go. He's right he will explore other women with you or without.

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bathtub-row

This is why I'm not a fan of high school sweetheart relationships and marriages. People don't give themselves the chance to grow and discover themselves. I believe this is what he's going through. Perhaps another kid on the horizon has tipped the scales. It's too bad that he can't just suck it up and deal with it until the kids are grown. But it doesn't sound like that's going to happen and you can't force someone to want the same things you want.

 

I know it hurts like crazy but I believe you need to cut this guy loose. There's a chance that he may want to come back at some point in time but, as the saying goes, if you love something, set it free. I think it's time to go your separate ways...for now.

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Hello NY Dame.

To me it looks like you changed your husband into the insecure man he is now.

You haven't been able to make him feel safe and your nr 1.

You never wanted that but did. He never saw your remorse if there was any.

Look and read Ls, 25% of the woman in infedelity is f@ckin their boss.

You cheated , lied and got rid of the evidence.

You looked him in the eye and lied, Your husband feels the balance is way off.

He thinks and genuine feels that for your marriage to heal, you must be seeing eye to eye again.

Sorry Lady, with al.respect,.you caused this.

good luck.

 

 

 

 

Dutchman

 

I did not cheat on my husband. Not even close to it. My boss was a flirt and I was too concerned with not being seen as “uncool” so I played his flirting off as a joke and tried to keep my job. I’m 100% responsible for my mistake and trying to conceal this from my husband. But that doesn’t mean I deserve this punishment. Thought this was a support forum?

Edited by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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some people like to pile on others on this 'support' forum, OP. Weed through what isn't helpful and focus on the rest...

 

NO! You don't deserve this treatment from your husband. Of course you don't. Say no... you talk about weak boundaries... well, learn to set them with your husband. You have children... one on the way, and your husband wants to start running around with your blessing? That's unacceptable.

 

There is, as well, your health to consider. What kind of diseases do you naively assume he won't bring back to YOU? I swear, people are so casual about sex it's idiotic. As if there's no STD's out there including HIV. Do you really want that? Do you want that for your kids?

 

I would say no. I understand it hurts, but if he doesn't respect you enough as his wife to abide by that... I'd go for a divorce. He's saying he wants you to keep the nice little nest at home for him.... like a doormat, and look after his kids while he's out running around... !! Outrageous.

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After saying everything I say in my post, I still think you should say no. You created this monster, you need to find a way to fix it. Saying yes will new the death knell of your marriage.

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Hi NYDame, I am very sorry to see you back here. I really thought that you and your husband were back on track but it seems he's gone into melt down mode. While you were no doubt at fault for creating a situation where he had lost some trust it was not as if you had cheated on him. While I can understand his misgivings in the beginning the fact is that it was up to him to put you to the acid test at that time and satisfy himself that you were on the level or not. He could have killed your relationship in it's early stages without causing the massive collateral damage he is now about to inflict. The fact is that if he wants a hall pass then tell him clearly that that would signal that he has checked out of the marriage and that you would proceed with divorce. You are not beholden to him for anything of the kind he is proposing. If you are clear in your mind that you have never ever crossed boundaries which cannot be reversed then you are within your right to reject his request. If he holds it over your head then so be it. There should never be any compromise on your fundamental values and your loyalty should never be held to ransom.

 

If you are still not working then see if you can get employment. When is your baby due? Depending on that you should try and get back in the work force and be independent of him. Your mom can help with the kids. Will continue this later...

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Truth be told, if you were my wife, I wouldn't have believed you either. You were willing to have a dishonest marriage, willing to lie to your H in order to protect a long time friend of the family who was also your boss that you had an overly flirty relationship with, who you exchanged flirty texts with. That alone would be enough for me to tell my wife that we were done, but then when your boss sent you a dick pic, which was at your request, you deleted it along with everything else in order to protect him. You chose protecting your work-husband, bc that's what he was, over your H.

 

So my question is, why didn't you get a polygraph?

 

 

Marriage counselor and others have said a polygraph does not work while pregnant and my husband did not want one. We are also facing financial problems and a poly is not priority at the moment.

 

Also I don’t want others on here believing that I had an overly flirty relationship with my boss when that is not the truth as this affects how others respond to me on here. It’s fine that you think my story is shady, I understand why. But please understand that for me who knows that this was just ONE text and that I did not have an affair, it’s breaking my heart that this mistake is now causing my husband to want to be with other women. Yes I lied years ago before we were even married. I was ashamed.

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Whatever she may have done in the past has nothing to do with this! He just wants to sow his wild oats.

 

And she just wants to justify his behavior by coming up with something that she might be able to blame herself for to lessen the pain of his desire to be with other women. But ... HE JUST WANTS TO BE WITH OTHER WOMEN. Period.

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So, good morning on spring forward day and a little housekeeping.

 

1. The focus of MLP is on marriages and debunking the old ball and chain one marriage at a time, helping members work through their marital problems and celebrating their marital successes. Piling on isn't a part of that.

 

2. The thread starter can update any thread they start at any time. Simply hit the 'quote' button on the last post of the thread, wipe the quoted material as needed out of the resultant window, add the content and hit the submit button. If that's too difficult to figure out, simply hit the 'alert us' button on the starting post, or any post, in the thread and ask moderation to bump it up for new responses. We're happy to!

 

Now, back to the topic....

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xenawarriorprincess

NYDame,

 

I don’t know what your history is as I haven’t read your previous post, however, I just want to say that my husband and I have been together since we were 17 also and we are 32 years old. We were both virgins when we met and we have only ever been with each other. You stated that “I don't know why I was dumb enough to believe I could ever be the only sexual/romantic experience for the rest of his life”. I don’t think it’s unreasonable for either of you to be curious or have desires for other people, especially since you’ve only ever had each other, it’s only natural and we are all human; however, that does not mean that you have to give him a pass because he’s curious. I’m curious about what heroin would feel like, but that doesn’t mean I’m going to actually try it because I know that it’s very harmful and the short-term pleasure and excitement is not worth the long-term risk or consequences of such behavior. You two are having some problems and providing him a “hall pass” is not going to solve them. I for one feel that my husband and I have a very special and unique relationship as it is quite rare for a couple to have only ever been sexual with one another and I personally would not want to treat that special bond and connection as frivolous and dispensable simply because one person is a bit curious and is using marital problems as a convenient excuse.

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Marriage counselor and others have said a polygraph does not work while pregnant and my husband did not want one. We are also facing financial problems and a poly is not priority at the moment.

 

Also I don’t want others on here believing that I had an overly flirty relationship with my boss when that is not the truth as this affects how others respond to me on here. It’s fine that you think my story is shady, I understand why. But please understand that for me who knows that this was just ONE text and that I did not have an affair, it’s breaking my heart that this mistake is now causing my husband to want to be with other women. Yes I lied years ago before we were even married. I was ashamed.

 

Here's the deal...there's your reality and there's your H's reality. Sadly, you're responsible for both. And now,it's on you to take the reigns of your marriage and proceed one way or the other OUT OF EVEN THE THOUGHT of infidelity.

 

You tell him it's a deal breaker if he steps out. Period. There no discussing it. No compromise. And if you start noticing shady behavior on his part, don't even bother to investigate, you will KNOW what's going on. Don't tolerate infidelity.

 

One last thing....if you do decide to look for employment, DO NOT go to the OM.

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ExpatInItaly

The way to truly mend a marriage is not by evening the score, so to speak. So I would not ever agree to his request to be with other women and expect to stay married. Your marriage will never be the same. It might already be effectively over, but you can and should stand your ground on this.

 

As the others said, your husband likely has someone specific in mind. You might want to do a little digging yourself to figure out what he's been up to.

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op,

sad to say it, but my guess is that he has either already cheated or has his eye on another woman.

 

Him using your past behavior as an excuse to sleep around is no different than anyone else who tries to excuse an affair. You mentioned that that " He went on to say that I could have control over who, when, where, etc...":sick:. That is, in my opinion, just plain cruel and also disgusting.

 

It's time for him to grow up and make the decision for himself. If he can't be "all in"when it comes to reconciling your marriage, then he needs to take some responsibility for that and walk away.None of this wishy-washy nonsense. He is a husband and father, and not some horn dog 17 year old with no responsibilities. If being a married father is not for him, then he needs to admit that and not try and deflect the responsibility on to you.

 

My advice to you? Talk to a lawyer as soon as possible. Find out what your rights and responsibilities are and where you stand both legally and financially. That doens't automatically mean you will end up divorced, but the more knowledge you have, the more in control of your life you will be.

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NY Dame,

 

If you feel that I have Insulted you, or wrote something not ok? than I will appologise sencere.

 

My point was: if your husband wasn't paranoid and insecure before your .. what you call heavy flrting ( I call cheating ) with secrets, lying in his face with you being ready for an Oscar, sending nudes ( what you'd sugested you would be doing if he went first ) / recieving dickpicks, and after making up, just to years later disrespecting your husband again, For him re=starting the affair, with no thoughts of how this must feel for him??

 

You made him like he is now, and should be ashamed, and should have made him feel safe again.

 

You chose your bf ( thats what your husband feels), sorry Boss over him, and bend over every time your Boss dropped his pencil.

 

Dame, I've got a Bridge to sell.

 

This is a place for help, comfort and guidance.

But sorry, my gut goes with what GoldenR is thinking.

You're selfish, show no remorse, and it took a long time, but the karma bus just arrived.

 

Your husband must have felt shi. over the years, so you did it again and Elvis has left the building.

 

Your( every) husband deserves a faithfull unflirtatious wife, who will have his back in the future.

 

Dutchman1

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Hello NY Dame,

 

There is an about simulair thread going on in real time by

@ steph1980nyc, who has been lying, cheating and has been humiliating her husband almost te same as you are doing.

Also this lady doesn't get it. :rolleyes:

 

Also her husband has checked out from the marriage.

The two of you have no clue of what you have done, and you have been the cause of this all.

No understanding or remorse, just : Me, Me, I want etc.

 

Maybe you could read Josephs letter?

It might give you some insight in the hell that your husband must been feeling he is in.

 

Good luck.

 

 

 

SurvivingInfidelity.com - Joseph's Letter

 

Dutchman1

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First, don't blame yourself that your husband wants to sleep with other women. It may may have anything to do with what you've done in the past. Your husband's frustration seems to me very deep and has to do with his own development and process in life.

 

I think it has also nothing to do with your qualities, and even nothing to do with his love to you. This kind of frustration seems like is there for a long long time and just waited to come out.

 

He may love you, but he finally got the courage to tell you about his desires and needs. Most men that have these desires, would pick the easy way and cheat. He isn't. He wants to be transparent with you.

 

I suggest that after the shock you got, and after you extract feeling sorry for yourself, try to think clearly. This is your husband, this is the real him, with strong desires to diverse his sex life. Again, it's not about you, it's only about him. After realizing this, consider. Are you suitable to some level of open marriage with some boundaries or not.

 

Never, never get in to something that doesn't suite you. Most people can't handle this. Don't compromise your basics values.

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