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I don't understand why he doesn't want sex


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Confusedin407

Long story short I've been with my husband almost 10 years and almost the entire 10 years, he's never been into sex with me... However he did watch porn without my knowledge for awhile and he admits he watched it after he has had sex with me.

 

It's always been me being the one to mention sex, using toys, getting lingerie, trying new things and instead he goes to sleep or occupies himself with our kids or life in general.

 

When is enough, enough? How can i know what is possibly the problem if he says he would initiate it more, of i didn't complain about the lack of so much? That makes no sense.

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It's probably that he has never learned to enjoy it, and that could include any number of factors... morality hangups, insecurity, madonna-whore complex, performance anxiety, inability to tolerate intimacy/vulnerability (revealing his soft inner core) or a combination. It could also be some kind of relationship issue.

 

Most men watch porn occasionally, so I doubt that's the problem unless it has become an obsession and altered his erotic fantasies.

 

he says he would initiate it more, of i didn't complain about the lack of so much? That makes no sense. Well, it might not seem rational, but not wanting sex isn't rational either. I wonder if he needs to feel sexually dominant (the initiator), but you're assuming that role, leaving only compliance/submission for him? Have you tried triggering him by taking a more passive, submissive approach?

 

When is enough, enough? When you've exhausted the possibilities for fixing things and it's still not happening. Sex is an important aspect of marriage for most, part of the deal. If you're a sexual person in a sexless marriage and your partner just won't participate for whatever reason... probably time to eject and pursue what you need in life.

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What was sex like before you married?

 

That and many men wind up substituting porn for real life sex.

 

First step no more porn. Then to a sex therapist to find out for him to

find out his reluctance to perform. I will not say low sex drive because he

uses porn.

 

Also a medical check up to eliminate any physical issues.

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That and many men wind up substituting porn for real life sex.

 

.

 

 

Well, most men do substitute real sex for porn when real sex is not available. But hard to imagine saying no to the real deal when it is available.

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When is enough, enough?

 

Enough was enough at 10 months, I would've thought. Why did you stay for 10 years, marry him... and even worse, have kids with him?

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somanymistakes
Long story short I've been with my husband almost 10 years and almost the entire 10 years, he's never been into sex with me... However he did watch porn without my knowledge for awhile and he admits he watched it after he has had sex with me.

 

It's always been me being the one to mention sex, using toys, getting lingerie, trying new things and instead he goes to sleep or occupies himself with our kids or life in general.

 

When is enough, enough?

 

Enough is enough when you say it is. This situation isn't likely to change, is it? Have you told him that you are unhappy with how things are? And has it done no good? Then it's up to you to take steps.

 

You do not have the right to treat him like a malfunctioning device/animal and force changes in his life that he doesn't want to make. He has to want those changes.

 

You can tell him that you need change or you'll leave, and you can suggest steps that might help if he's willing to pursue change, and if he won't do any of it you can decide that yes, enough is enough. But you can't shove him into a cat carrier and drag him to a doctor, especially if he's happy the way he is.

 

No, it is probably NOT because he watches porn once in a while, and watching porn does not mean that he doesn't have a lower sex drive. It means that he has more than zero sex drive, but actually even some "asexual" people who NEVER want to have sex with a human being self-pleasure with porn.

 

While it is possible for things like "too much porn" or "lower testosterone" to be a problem, they are also lazy, simple answers that people jump to on the assumption that all men MUST want sex all the time. They don't, for any number of reasons, just as some women don't want much sex.

 

Really, if in more than ten years he's always been like this, it seems far-fetched to imagine he's going to make a big change. It could happen. But don't count on it.

 

How can i know what is possibly the problem if he says he would initiate it more, of i didn't complain about the lack of so much? That makes no sense.

 

This is a common thing for lower-libido people to say. If you hang out in communities where men are being sad about their wives never wanting to have sex, you'll hear this a lot - the wife claims "if you didn't nag me so much I'd initiate more!" Because the constant pressure makes them feel negatively about sex and makes them even less interested.

 

However, in most cases, the LL partner's idea of "more" is, like, once in a rare while instead of never, which still isn't going to be enough to make the higher libido partner happy.

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How can i know what is possibly the problem if he says he would initiate it more, of i didn't complain about the lack of so much? That makes no sense.

 

I missed this part. This is a legitimate complaint on his part, I think. Feeling "obligated" to have sex (otherwise the other person complains, or gets upset, etc), is just about the least sexy thing ever, and can freeze even a healthy libido. While you often hear this about women, it clearly applies to both genders, as you can see from this.

 

However, it sounds to me like you two have way bigger issues/incompatibilities than just this, so I doubt it's as simple as just "complain less".

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Well, most men do substitute real sex for porn when real sex is not available. But hard to imagine saying no to the real deal when it is available.

 

Yeah I’ve never said no to the real deal in my 42 years on this planet. Never been too tired or stressed for it either. I have to substitute porn for the real deal since sex it is not available to me right now. I’m in a sexless marriage (Once a year for the last two years). We’ve been married for three years.

Edited by Soxfaninfl
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Long story short I've been with my husband almost 10 years and almost the entire 10 years, he's never been into sex with me... However he did watch porn without my knowledge for awhile and he admits he watched it after he has had sex with me.

 

It's always been me being the one to mention sex, using toys, getting lingerie, trying new things and instead he goes to sleep or occupies himself with our kids or life in general.

 

When is enough, enough? How can i know what is possibly the problem if he says he would initiate it more, of i didn't complain about the lack of so much? That makes no sense.

 

A habit developed over 10 years is really hard to break. It sounds like for whatever reason, taking care of himself and watching porn is more enjoyable to him than actual sex with you. There could be a number of reasons for that, most of which probably aren’t your fault. You said you’ve tried toys, lingerie, etc. and that didn’t work. That’s probably because you are guessing at what excites him, and those aren’t it. Have you offered to watch porn with him, to see what he’s into? This probably isn’t your fault, but unfortunately it sounds like you are the only one who is interested in trying to fix it. To do that, you have to find out what would make sex with you more appealing to him than doing it on his own. Otherwise he’s going to be content with what he’s been doing the last 10 years.

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Michelle ma Belle
Well, most men do substitute real sex for porn when real sex is not available. But hard to imagine saying no to the real deal when it is available.

 

Sadly this isn't always the case. I'm one who was in a long marriage with a man who chose porn over me. It started out 'innocently' enough in the beginning. No real red flags to speak of and gradually got worse each year to the point where he couldn't even get it up with me anymore but had plenty of time and energy for his porn.

 

It was literally the death of our 20 year relationship. I hung on for dear life after every talk, argument, promise that things would get better and even when he stopped talking altogether and tried to make me out to be some crazy sex fanatic making up problems where there weren't any.

 

I know it's not quite a common as the wife rejecting her hubby but it does happen.

 

 

As for the OP, if you love your hubby then you need to make it abundantly clear to him that the way things are is NOT good enough. You both need to turn over every rock to sort this out which includes counselling and medical check up and talking about stuff that will very likely be very uncomfortable (aka porn).

 

But even with that being said, HE is going to need to want to fix this as much as you want it otherwise you will be living out the rest of your years sexless and unfulfilled.

 

Are you ready for that? Because I'm living proof that it WILL happen.

 

That's when enough is enough. When you realize you're not ready to hang your libido at the door no matter how much you love your husband.

 

Good luck.

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Is he on any medications? I'm not a doctor but I have heard of some medications can do it, I think blood pressure meds is one. Just a thought.

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I know it's not quite a common as the wife rejecting her hubby but it does happen.

 

 

.

 

I think the idea that women are more often the refusers is a huge myth. I think it’s probably just that refused males are more vocal in their complaints.

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Michelle ma Belle
I think the idea that women are more often the refusers is a huge myth. I think it’s probably just that refused males are more vocal in their complaints.

 

Perhaps. Then again, have you known many women who do not complain about something pertaining to their hubbies, never mind a sexual woman not getting any sex? :p

 

 

Although I know it's not impossible, it's certainly not something I've come across in my daily life both online and in real life nor is it something you read a lot about on here where anonymity brings about a sense of safety in sharing such personal matters.

 

It would be nice to hear more stories like that so that way those of us women who lived it don't feel so alone. It took me years to get over the feeling of being broken in some way and unworthy.

 

Thank God I'm over it now but it still rears it's ugly head whenever I find myself discussing it on threads like this.

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Perhaps. Then again, have you known many women who do not complain about something pertaining to their hubbies, never mind a sexual woman not getting any sex? :p

 

 

Although I know it's not impossible, it's certainly not something I've come across in my daily life both online and in real life nor is it something you read a lot about on here where anonymity brings about a sense of safety in sharing such personal matters.

 

It would be nice to hear more stories like that so that way those of us women who lived it don't feel so alone. It took me years to get over the feeling of being broken in some way and unworthy.

 

Thank God I'm over it now but it still rears it's ugly head whenever I find myself discussing it on threads like this.

 

 

Fair point!

 

In my experience, real life and online, you are far from alone. Even here, it seems to me that there are more women than men asking for advice on how to deal with sexless relationships.

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To the OP: looks like you are complaining about frequency and enthusiasm, not complete abstinence. What sort of frequency are we talking about? For example, does he only want it once a month but you want it every day? I think there is a big difference between complete celibacy vs just mismatched libidos. There is some degree of mismatched libidos in most marriages, but most people can work with those. A celibate marriage is one very abusive situation and one most people get out of as soon as they can.

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Perhaps. Then again, have you known many women who do not complain about something pertaining to their hubbies, never mind a sexual woman not getting any sex? :p

 

 

Although I know it's not impossible, it's certainly not something I've come across in my daily life both online and in real life nor is it something you read a lot about on here where anonymity brings about a sense of safety in sharing such personal matters.

 

It would be nice to hear more stories like that so that way those of us women who lived it don't feel so alone. It took me years to get over the feeling of being broken in some way and unworthy.

 

Thank God I'm over it now but it still rears it's ugly head whenever I find myself discussing it on threads like this.

 

I'm the female in a sexless marriage and do feel broken :(

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Well, most men do substitute real sex for porn when real sex is not available. But hard to imagine saying no to the real deal when it is available.

 

No, there have been many posts where the wife complained lack

of sex yet the husband is using porn every day.

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Fair point!

 

In my experience, real life and online, you are far from alone. Even here, it seems to me that there are more women than men asking for advice on how to deal with sexless relationships.

 

You haven’t been on here long enough lol. Keep reading. It’s mostly men complaining the lack of sex in their relationships. I know I’m one of them. I’m so tired of being rejected I can see why men don’t initiate anymore. At least porn won’t reject you. I understand how the OP feels.

Edited by Soxfaninfl
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Well, most men do substitute real sex for porn when real sex is not available. But hard to imagine saying no to the real deal when it is available.

 

Nope, I know one guy who had problems enjoying real sex when he was addicted to porn. For some reason, he's no longer enjoying real sex due to that. He orgasms after 15 minutes of sex and that's it (OMFG for me!)

 

What he did is he researched the issue online and he seems to be suffering from a mental illness due to the porn addiction. He was advised to withdraw from watching Porn for 4 months (Which he admit is so HARD) or anything visually stimulating, and voila! He loves sex again after that.

 

Porn is usually a tool for instant gratification. All men need is their hands (or toys) and their eyes to watch and imagine stuff and there you go! Real sex involves other stuff like making sure your partner feels great as well, sexual positions which can be tiring sometime, other sensual stuff like smell, taste touch, which can be overwhelming and affects sex drive.

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