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What would you tell your younger self about marriage?


Marriage & Life Partnerships Debunking the old-ball-and-chain stereotype one couple at a time.

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Old 8th February 2018, 8:14 PM   #31
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Hang in there. The first years will be tough but your marriage will improve in the 5th year.

See the way your husband always wants to work things out when you say that you want a divorce? That's commitment. You need to become more mature and stop bringing up divorce just because you're having a hard time. You and your husband will come out on the other side.

You don't need to justify your childfreedom to anyone. Don't let it bother you when others try to shame you for your decision.

When your circumstances change, many women will be jealous of you and they will insult you to make themselves feel better. Surround yourself with confident and happy ladies.

Never apologize for ejecting someone from your life if he or she is toxic. You will bring that negativity into your marriage and poison it.

You developed protective armor around your soul due to a horrific childhood and your husband's past mistakes. It's time to shed the armor and realize that vulnerability is necessary for a happy marriage.

FFS...stop pushing your husband away when he tries to be affectionate. You know that's hurtful right?

I'm glad you're seeing a therapist. She will help you and ultimately improve your marriage.
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Old 8th February 2018, 8:30 PM   #32
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listen to your gut instinct, if something smells fishy it probably is
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Old 8th February 2018, 8:35 PM   #33
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Originally Posted by Michelle ma Belle View Post
I suppose those who find partners where the love is equal is like finding a unicorn so congratulations to those who have
I guess it would be hard to find a couple where both parties love each other equally
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Old 8th February 2018, 9:20 PM   #34
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IME, kind of difficult to quantify love. Qualify, maybe.

Anyway, tell younger self? Pre-nup
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Old 8th February 2018, 9:55 PM   #35
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I don’t have any advice for my younger self about marriage. First of all, in general its best not to give advice (even though I sometimes do). Second of all, I made the best decision I could have, given who I was then and knowing what I did then. And it was a good decision all around, even though it didn’t work out. No regrets. It is part of who I am today. Just because a marriage ended doesn’t mean it was a mistake. I wish some things had worked out differently, but I don’t think any sort of advice would have changed anything.

Last edited by Veronica73; 8th February 2018 at 9:56 PM.. Reason: Edit: It was a great love and a risk and I don’t regret it.
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Old 9th February 2018, 6:48 AM   #36
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Love, patience. compromise, sexual generosity and attraction, courage and loyalty are all essential. But the most important thing is to be happy with yourself. Don't expect your marriage to make you happy - that isn't it's purpose. You have to make make YOU happy, then you add that happiness to your marriage.

Unhappy people have unhappy marriages. H and I learned that too late after some pretty nasty damage was already done.
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Old 9th February 2018, 7:08 AM   #37
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As for age... I get it that there is risk in being young, or not living a lot of life before finding someone that you want to marry. But what if you DO meet them then? What are you supposed to do? Walk away from them because you are too young? Hope that they wait around for you? Hope you find someone else as special?

I was 23 when I met my now husband, and so far I have no regrets choosing him to spend my life with. I will say, I wasn't a naive sheltered 20 something. By that point I had been living on my own for 5 years, had a lot of responsibility at home before that, a few relationships under my belt.
I agree. The SO/fiance and I met at 21. We knew we had something really, really special going on, and held on to it through distance, poverty, illness and family drama. Almost a decade hence, I have zero regrets.

We did choose not to marry young, though. I know a lot of people will say that they won't wait beyond 2 years or 3 or whatever, and that might be best for them. But we both knew we had a lot of growing up and maturing and going out into the world to do, and we wanted to do all of that before we made a lifelong commitment to each other. That was, I believe, the right decision for us.

Others may decide differently, and that's okay. I do think that couples who marry in their early-mid 20s are taking a pretty significant risk that it won't work out because they'll grow apart, though. The 20s are such a transitional phase of life. A few do grow together (we did!) and that's wonderful, but many don't.

The advice in this thread has been great! Thanks, guys.
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Old 9th February 2018, 2:11 PM   #38
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Phewwww,
This is a very intelligent but challenging question

Hindsight is always 20/20 vision.

We make the decisions we do ( and that includes all sort of stuff - not just getting married) based on our information at the time, coupled with our level of emotional maturity, plus our life experiences and our goals/aspirations at the time.

I don't think for one minute that people make decisions about a life partner with the intention of screwing up their lives, but this can be what happens.

As others have said, I could have told my younger self all sorts of stuff but she wouldn't have listened as she didn't have the emotional maturity to understand - that only comes with experience and that needs time...

I believe that we gravitate towards people who are at the same stage of emotional/psychological development that we are. so my exH was right for me at the the time.

If a couple get married and grow and develop and mature at the same pace then that makes for a fulfilling relationship. But so many times, this doesn't happen and then there are fissures deveoping in the marriage.Not all couples can weather these ...

Last edited by Arieswoman; 9th February 2018 at 2:19 PM..
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Old 9th February 2018, 2:45 PM   #39
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Just don't.
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Old 9th February 2018, 9:53 PM   #40
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I believe that the partner who loves less has all of the power.
Power dynamics play into ALL relationships whether we want to accept it or not.
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Old 9th February 2018, 9:57 PM   #41
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BD,

Quote:
I believe that the partner who loves less has all of the power.
Power dynamics play into ALL relationships whether we want to accept it or not.
This x 100 ^^
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Old 9th February 2018, 9:57 PM   #42
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If you're unhappy and/or mismatched - there's no reason to stay.
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Old 9th February 2018, 10:09 PM   #43
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Originally Posted by Elswyth View Post
We did choose not to marry young, though. I know a lot of people will say that they won't wait beyond 2
Totally! Same here. We didn't consciously wait because we were "too young" but my thought was always, we are going to be together for the REST OF OUR LIVES so why rush? Why does the paper even matter?

We started talking about forever after 6 months. We got engaged after 3 years, and didn't get around to the marriage thing until after 14 years.

I know that wouldn't work for many, but it worked just fine for us.

I have lived a lot since we first met, and I still think he is the man for me. I am glad I didn't send him packing because we were too young
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Old 10th February 2018, 3:50 AM   #44
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Originally Posted by BettyDraper View Post
I believe that the partner who loves less has all of the power.
Power dynamics play into ALL relationships whether we want to accept it or not.
IME it's entirely possible for both people to love each other equally - although "equally" doesn't have to mean "the exact same way".

I find it somewhat strange when people talk about "power" in a relationship (beyond consensual power exchanges done for fun, of course, which are a completely different thing). This sort of nonconsensual "power" can only really exist or play a part if both parties are viewing the other as an antagonist of sorts, a competitor, a person whom they are trying to gain leverage against. If both people are genuinely prioritizing their partner and their relationship's well-being, does there really need to be a nonconsensual "power dynamic" at all?

Last edited by Elswyth; 10th February 2018 at 3:55 AM..
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Old 10th February 2018, 4:49 AM   #45
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If both people are genuinely prioritizing their partner and their relationship's well-being, does there really need to be a nonconsensual "power dynamic" at all?
This is the ideal ^^^ however, I know many married women who are, unfortunately, subtley manipulating their husbands to get what they want.
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