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Newlyweds but have trust issues


Marriage & Life Partnerships Debunking the old-ball-and-chain stereotype one couple at a time.

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Old 7th February 2018, 8:30 PM   #16
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No offense brother...

Quote:
Originally Posted by rickwman View Post
I believe in second chances. Share each others expectations honestly. Is there respect, forgiveness, caring between you two that can develop into something long term again? Time will tell. She needs to stop all communications with any other guy that may damage her marriage. I'll pray that wisdom and peace will fill you both as you experience this second chance.
No offense brother... but are you kidding with this post? Really.

She is most likely screwing her old AP, not really old AP because that affair never stopped.

And, if that was not enough, she I most likely screwing several other guys, based on the red flags in OP's original post.

And you want to give that a second chance?

Help me to understand??????
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Old 7th February 2018, 9:42 PM   #17
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Would you consider that you really are in the honeymoon stage? Living together before marriage maybe took away from the traditional sense of honeymoon for her? Also another factor possibly is age and maybe her hormones have her off kilter...it does happen and can kill the highest sex drive to practically zilch.

Did you have talks about deal-breakers and if so was past cheating one of them? It sounds like it is for you regardless and you should end the marriage instead of thinking she is cheating currently. It will drive you mad.
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Old 7th February 2018, 9:45 PM   #18
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How do you not understand? Don't you have a past? I'm certain you shared your own history here.....


"Help me to understand??????"
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Old 7th February 2018, 10:13 PM   #19
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Hey Lad
Most of what has been suggested I have to agree with, just a few things
to add from my experience.
My ex had parents that were wealthy also, not stinking rich,
but very comfortable. In my case I can believe that my ex
wanted her father to see that she was stable family oriented.
In her teens she was rebellious and she and her dad clashed
pretty badly. Do you think you are for show just to project
an image to her family for her sake?
The phrase entitled is used to describe spoiled brat kids,
have them kids grown up?.
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Old 7th February 2018, 10:13 PM   #20
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I went thought something similar in my second marriage with my wife./

Even if she was not having sex with this man (or others) while with you - she was engaging in emotional affair/cheating on you - or other forms of betrayal to you by remaining connected in allowing this kind of sex talk.

I suspect she is NOT turned on by monogamy and a single committed relationship. Marriage is not for her.

Given her past behavior - She must at a minimum have no contact any former lovers - tell her you would consider this cheating- if this means changing jobs so be it

But lets get to the bottom line - besides "loving her" why not divorce ? Whats the loss for you - the downside in dumping her and finding someone else to loved? List the reasons why staying with her benefits you in the short and long term?
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Last edited by dichotomy; 7th February 2018 at 10:15 PM..
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Old 7th February 2018, 11:31 PM   #21
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Maddie, please explain your question?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Maddieandtae View Post
How do you not understand? Don't you have a past? I'm certain you shared your own history here.....


"Help me to understand??????"
Maddie, please explain your question? I hate to be so dense.

But I don't get your question?
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Old 7th February 2018, 11:48 PM   #22
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I'm certain I read that you had affairs in your past and if I'm correct how can you not understand forgiveness?
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Old 7th February 2018, 11:48 PM   #23
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Hi Brokenhearted, in answer to your question at the end of your last post I have to respond in the affirmative. Cheaters will cheat in any circumstances and dyed in the blood cheaters like your wife who you have caught lying on numerous occasions will do it under your nose if need be. She cannot help herself. It is part of who she is. So do not blame her for her behaviour. Blame yourself for putting up with it and do something about it.

I wanted to ask you why your wife's parents are working abroad and for how long have they been doing so? How old is your wife and how old are you? If your wife's parents have been abroad for long who brought up your wife, or was she with them till she started working or was she palmed off to some relative who could not be bothered bringing her up as their own child? All these factors could have had an effect on how your wife has matured as an adult and how her sense of ethics have developed. Point is you can do nothing to change all that now. You can only control your own future. Please do so. Otherwise you will be dragged through hell and back before you come to your senses. Warm wishes.

Last edited by Just a Guy; 7th February 2018 at 11:50 PM..
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Old 7th February 2018, 11:57 PM   #24
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Quote:
Originally Posted by dichotomy View Post
I suspect she is NOT turned on by monogamy and a single committed relationship. Marriage is not for her.
To me, this is it in a nutshell. As her husband, you meet her emotional needs but not her sexual ones. Want to see your future? Look at what happened to her last long-term partner - how'd things turn out for him ?

Doesn't make her a bad person but it does make her a very poor choice as a spouse. Save yourself years - maybe decades - of heartbreak and self-doubt.

Be honest with her but head for the door...

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Old 8th February 2018, 12:09 AM   #25
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This is not about forgiveness...

Quote:
Originally Posted by Maddieandtae View Post
I'm certain I read that you had affairs in your past and if I'm correct how can you not understand forgiveness?
This is not about forgiveness... this post is about a man that was stupid enough to marry a woman that saw him as a safe beta boy.

She lured him in with stunning amazing sex, and he fell for it. Almost the oldest trick in the book.

She is actively in at least one affair, the "8 year affair" never ended. She is still sleeping with that guy for sure, they still work together.

Who know how many other guys she is screwing.

This about him understanding what he has done, and getting out of it ASAP. Taking some time to WAKE THE H*** UP AND GROW THE H*** UP, before he so much a looks at another woman.

This has nothing to do with her past, it is about what is going on right now.

This is not about forgiveness...
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Old 8th February 2018, 12:29 AM   #26
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^It could be though.
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Old 9th February 2018, 2:21 AM   #27
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Quote:
Originally Posted by brokenHeartLad View Post
Please help all

This is a little long and I apologise.
Iím looking for some advice and opinions regarding my new wife as I have exhausted all avenues and Iím tired- oh so tired. there are issues that we havenít resolved and struggling to fix.

To put things into context- I met my current wife around 5 years ago. At the time I was going though a difficult divorce having only been married 5 months to my ex wife.

It was a great escape for me at the time To be dating someone so wonderful. It really helped me heal and come to terms with the devastation of my divorce. I soon fell in love with my partner and things were progressing very well in our relationship. We continued seeing each other for a couple of years then we decided to move in with each other ( at her parents house- her parents worked abroad and had the house free) for a few Months before we bought our first house. We both have degrees and professional jobs ( she does earns more than me and her family are well off -while mine are not as well off as hers)

I proposed to her two years ago and and we have recently got married in a wonderful ceremony with friends and family all there. Now we are talking about having a family.

It all seems that things should be great but there are things that are causing friction.

During the time of living at her parents house I found out many things that my wife has since said she is ashamed of.

First- she received many emails from a chap that didnít hold back on how he canít wait to do all manner of sexual things with her. ( in graphic detail). I happened upon that email as her phone had lit up and with the message! I was devastated.
I decided to investigate this further and I found out that this man had been an affair partner of hers. She denies ever sleeping with him during our relationship but after many arguments ,lies and denial over many years she finally admitted to cheating on her ex partner ( who she dated for 5 years and had a house with) and that she had cheated on him for the entirety of their relationship.

The affair lasted over 8 years!

She also did many sexually explicit photographs and movies of herself that she would send to him over the internet. I saw these images and it made me feel so Ill that sometimes I canít breath. The affair was seedy and sordid.

What makes things worse is that this man works in the same company as her to this day.

My wife may have gone through some emotional times after her breakup with her ex but I found out that after he breakup she slept around with married men and even slept with one of her friends. I saw the the sexually explicit messages and photos while investigating the affair.

My opinion of her fell of a cliff but I love her dearly. And she does me too.
In arguments I keep bringing up her past. I have developed trust issues and have become Insecure.

Tried counselling and it ended up in an argument with my wife. Most of the time we are fine but in the back of my mind I canít seem to shake it out and move on. There is a male friend that she has known for a long time and she sees him often through a volunteer club in the week. But they email each other constantly while at work. This drives me crazy. I have female friends but I donít email every day.

There are many things that my wife has lied about and I think that she is a very lusftull women. It concerns as she doesnít seem to care much about sex with me. As newly weds we sometimes donít have sex for a month. It makes me very frustrated and sad. It makes me feel unloved.

Does having an 8 year long affair make you a horrible person? Is it true that once a cheater always a cheater?

I really want to move on from this and look forward to a happy future with my wife and a family. :,(
You have a broken picker.

Would you have married her if you knew all of this prior.

Would you even date someone like this?

This will be true for your wife, once a cheater always a cheater.
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Old 9th February 2018, 1:30 PM   #28
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Hi brokenHeartLad
I am sorry that you find yourself in this difficult situation. However, there is always hope. First of all, you have married her and promised to be with her for better or for worse. You definitely can use help in this situation. You said that you tried counseling. I am not sure about your beliefs, but have you considered going to a Christian marriage counselor? It is possible that she needs healing and redemption from her past, not only physically but spiritually as well. Having a strong faith has worked for many people no matter what thy have done in the past. And she seems to be unable to break free from this pattern of behavior. So I would consider getting professional help again. I hope this helps.
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Old 10th February 2018, 4:10 AM   #29
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Lets give her ALL the benefit of the doubt that is possible. Lets say that the past is the past, and people can change over time, and the minute she met you, she had changed herself for good, and she is now a totally different person. Lets say all that.

Ok. lets give her another discount, and say that she didn't tell you about this mail or mails, because it came out of the blue, she wasn't prepared for these, and was afraid that you're gonna think she's cheating, that's why she didn't share the mails with you on her initiation. (We need to be very generous to give her that specific discount... but hey... we are very generous people only today)

The problem is not the past, but the present. The minute you found out, she should have came clean about her past. The fact that she gave you a trickle truth, in a very long proccess of pressure on your side, proves that she hasn't changed. She continued to lie to you.

She is still the same person. She's a liar and how can you believe a liar. Liars tell the truth sometimes, you know. So the fact that she may tell the truth here and there, means nothing. All the problem from the past can might be resolved. But the lies you get - I don't see any cure for that. Never stay with liars.

Admit your loss when it still early stage.
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Old 11th February 2018, 9:55 AM   #30
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Hi Folks, after the abrasive nature of posts towards the end I think the OP has been scared off and probably will not return. If the idea is to chase off posters like the OP then I guess it has worked. While calling a spade a spade is all good I guess it can be couched in language which is a bit softer than some of what has been deployed here. The whole purpose of a forum like this one is to help people suffering tremendous emotional pain and stress. So while the truth of their situation as seen by those who are looking at it objectively needs to be explained to them clearly, this can be done a bit more gently and humanely.

If we end up chasing people away, there won't be a forum worth it's name left to visit. Just some thoughts on this. Warm wishes.
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