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In Love With Different Sex Drives, My Wife Gave Me A Pass


Marriage & Life Partnerships Debunking the old-ball-and-chain stereotype one couple at a time.

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Old 31st January 2018, 5:01 PM   #61
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No upset at all! I'm just pointing out that unless you are infertile or only having sex with women who are infertile, it's a possibility you must consider before making a decision.

As far as emotional consequences, you must think of yourself, your wife, and the OW.

The biggest dangers to you and OW are emotional involvement and the buckets of drama that come from that.

For your wife, some people really don't mind, some think they won't mind and only realize they do mind after the damage is done. She may be sincere, but not realize how she will respond to the reality.

If you do decide to use the hall pass, go on a few dates and only kiss. See how your wife responds. If she responds unfavorably, at least you didn't have sex.
I would also suggest to the op that he make very clear to any woman he decides to "explore" with the parameters of the agreement he has made with his wife. That way, the woman will know what she can expect and how far the relationship, if any, will go.

he doesn't strike me as someone who would lead a woman on, but misunderstandings can happen.
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Old 31st January 2018, 6:07 PM   #62
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She may be sincere, but not realize how she will respond to the reality.
Including the possibility she might internalize the resentment until it blows like Mt. Mayon. OP, I'd ask myself at what price was I willing to pursue this?

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Old 31st January 2018, 6:45 PM   #63
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Including the possibility she might internalize the resentment until it blows like Mt. Mayon. OP, I'd ask myself at what price was I willing to pursue this?

Mr. Lucky
I agree with all of this. I've been racking my brain for nearly a year and it just doesn't add up. It seems too damn risky and nearly impossible to make work. I sincerely don't know how anyone does it.

I feel trapped between two unpleasant scenarios. Live sexually frustrated, but with a happy family or divorce and make everyone unhappy. I guess castration could be another option. <sarcasm>
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Old 31st January 2018, 9:18 PM   #64
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Sure you do...I bet you also know an immaculate conception as well. Unless you work in some clinic...I'm calling this out.Your just egging someone on.
Fact, the only 100% effective birth control is to not have sex.

Fact, every other form of BC is not 100% effective.

It has been reported in the media, whether real news or
fake news networks, mainstream newspapers and magazines
that people have gotten pregnant even though condoms,
pills, and vasectomy's not working.
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Old 31st January 2018, 9:25 PM   #65
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When a husband/MM has a hall pass there will always be the
chance that he gets his OW knocked up.

All it takes is for the OW to want to keep the baby,
file for child support first, the courts will give her a lion's
share of this MM's income. The courts do not take into
consideration of preexisting children. So who ever files
first comes out ahead. In this case the wife will see her
husbands income cut in half.

Hall pass, what a joke.

When are people going to realize that there is no such
thing as a free lunch.
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Old 31st January 2018, 10:21 PM   #66
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Fact, the only 100% effective birth control is to not have sex.

Fact, every other form of BC is not 100% effective.
Thanks Dr. Obvious. Fact, you know nothing about me and my own fertility issues.
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Old 31st January 2018, 10:29 PM   #67
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Hall pass, what a joke.

When are people going to realize that there is no such
thing as a free lunch.
Well apparently it works perfectly well for some couples and I applaud any couple who works together to keep each other happy and their marriage alive. Not everything works for everyone, but I wouldnít want to live in a world where everyone has to march to the same drum.

I personally believe staying in a marriage with little or no sex or passion is a joke.
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Old 1st February 2018, 12:01 AM   #68
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Hi Rambunctious, after reading through the latest posts I must say that I stick with my previous suggestions, namely, have your wife cooperate with you in sexual acts barring PIV sex, which she is probably not up for. Alternatively, explore the world of Hotwives as these are the only ladies who would be willing to have NSA sex while you do not run the danger of getting emotionally caught up in a love triangle with them. Hotwives are into having sex with other men WITH the consent and encouragement of their husbands. That puts them in a 'safe' category at least as far as the emotional aspect is concerned. For them the payoff would be that you are married and have your wife's permission for this which is important to them because they would rather not be dealing with the drama of cheating husbands.

On a forum like this one which is populated by folks who have been cheated on by their spouses, it is understandable that there would be an inbuilt antipathy towards anything to do with extramarital sex. At the same time you have folks like Central and others who have successfully had the best of both worlds. Admittedly, people like them are few and far between. It is rare that a man and a woman, who hold radical views, will fall in love with each other, carve out a happily married life and at the same time be able to lovingly explore their sexuality with others without jeopardizing the primary relationship. Very few can carry it off successfully. Most men and women are just not cut from the same cloth. There is the saying ' Exceptions prove the rule'! The thing is that if you and your wife are not cast in the same mould as Central and his wife, then it is better you not step into their world.

I would suggest that you have a series of heart to heart talks with your wife to ascertain the extent of her boundaries both ethical and emotional while at the same time examining your own. After carefully evaluating everything you should then take whatever step you think is wise after weighing the repercussions of it. As somebody said, act in haste and repent at leisure. You have a generally good thing going with your wife. Treasure it and be careful how you decide to rock the boat. Warm wishes.
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Old 1st February 2018, 2:09 AM   #69
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I personally believe staying in a marriage with little or no sex or passion is a joke.
But even with a "hall pass", isn't that what you'd be doing? I have a hard time believing NSA sex with a stranger would satisfy your marital need for "sex or passion", just doesn't work that way.

Next time you're hungry, have someone else eat a meal for you. That's about as satisfying as what you're proposing...

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Old 1st February 2018, 4:16 AM   #70
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But even with a "hall pass", isn't that what you'd be doing? I have a hard time believing NSA sex with a stranger would satisfy your marital need for "sex or passion", just doesn't work that way.

Next time you're hungry, have someone else eat a meal for you. That's about as satisfying as what you're proposing...

Mr. Lucky
No. At this point the hall pass is off the table for me. Iím simply trying to keep an open mind and not judge those who want to go that route. Let me be clear: Iím not comfortable with taking her up on her hall pass. So my next option is what? At this point, Iím contimplating ending a passionless marriage because Iím tired of being taken for granted. Donít we deserve to be with someone who feels as strongly for us as we do for them? Iím trying to be sensitive to her physiological issues, and sheís trying to be sensitive to my needs, but at the end of the day who are we kidding? My kids are my focus now and Iíd do anything for them, so they are keeping me grounded. Am I being selfish for wanting my wife to be more than just a friend or really close business partner?
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Old 1st February 2018, 7:06 AM   #71
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Originally Posted by road View Post
Fact, the only 100% effective birth control is to not have sex.

Fact, every other form of BC is not 100% effective.

It has been reported in the media, whether real news or
fake news networks, mainstream newspapers and magazines
that people have gotten pregnant even though condoms,
pills, and vasectomy's not working.
That's not my point. Figure it out.
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Old 1st February 2018, 9:24 AM   #72
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Am I being selfish for wanting my wife to be more than just a friend or really close business partner?
No. I haven't been through menopause so I don't know what that feels like for a woman, but I have a hard time understanding women who think they can keep their marriage while refusing sex with their husband. I don't think that you are wrong to expect a little more compromise from your wife. I hope things change for you.
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Old 1st February 2018, 10:40 AM   #73
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Thanks Dr. Obvious. Fact, you know nothing about me and my own fertility issues.

There is no point of arguing the whole BC/pregnancy/VD with these posters. It soon becomes clear they are using pregnancy and disease as a cover for an ethical and moral argument they strongly believe in. Instead of coming out and saying "I believe sex outside of marriage is morally wrong" (and quote God, the scriptures, their pastors, Fox news, or just the little voices in their heads), they come up with some convoluted medical reason why sex is so incredibly risky and dangerous.

FWIW, a moral and ethical opinion in the matter is a valid argument when presented in an honest and transparent manner (though, obviously, not very convincing to people who do not share their values and beliefs). In their heads, they think a half-ass scientific/medical argument might have more sway.
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Old 1st February 2018, 11:11 AM   #74
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No. At this point the hall pass is off the table for me. I’m simply trying to keep an open mind and not judge those who want to go that route. Let me be clear: I’m not comfortable with taking her up on her hall pass. So my next option is what? At this point, I’m contimplating ending a passionless marriage because I’m tired of being taken for granted. Don’t we deserve to be with someone who feels as strongly for us as we do for them? I’m trying to be sensitive to her physiological issues, and she’s trying to be sensitive to my needs, but at the end of the day who are we kidding? My kids are my focus now and I’d do anything for them, so they are keeping me grounded. Am I being selfish for wanting my wife to be more than just a friend or really close business partner?
No,no,and no you are not selfish. This struck a cord with me today. I feel selfish also. I feel like, I will hurt my entire family for what? To want a romantic, and yes sexual experience with someone who wants the same from me? Now that we (My husband & I) are no longer "raising" a family, the dynamics have changed. It's US now and we should be all over one another. We are not. We have tried and tried and now there is ED. I suspect that is due to all the talks and lack of much left between us in the sexual dept. BUT, I STILL feel guilty, even though my kids are older.
If what you really have is a business partnership, that is not likely to get better. You sound committed to your kids, that in itself will sustain you should you decide to divorce. Divorce is sad but remember, they see and know a lot more of what's going on at home. Do they see affection, touching, kissing? Kids pick up cues and know things and learn how to be in relationships based on what they see and hear.
It doesn't have to be devastating, it can depend on how each one handles it and how it's presented to them. I think you both would be on the same page about being gentle, kind to them and mainly one another. If this is what you decide think about approach... facts to spouse, gentle, kind words and not accusations but needs are not being met. We have one life, we aren't dead and our children can still mean everything to us, even if not married to their other parent. Geeze, I need to take this advise
YES you deserve to be with someone who wants you as much as you want them !!!!!

Last edited by MidlifeMama; 1st February 2018 at 11:14 AM..
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Old 1st February 2018, 11:38 AM   #75
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Well apparently it works perfectly well for some couples and I applaud any couple who works together to keep each other happy and their marriage alive. Not everything works for everyone, but I wouldnít want to live in a world where everyone has to march to the same drum.

I personally believe staying in a marriage with little or no sex or passion is a joke.
Taking in sickness and in health, you know the wedding
vows, they must be a joke as well.

Open marriages work well?

From being on forums for years i have seen very few times
where good comes out of them. I have seen hundreds of stories
where a good marriage went bad after opening it for one marriage
that survived it.
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