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I want to fight for my wife.... But don't know how


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Old 23rd January 2018, 1:05 PM   #31
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Correction...

Quote:
Originally Posted by grassisorisntgreener View Post
Why are you on the couch if she is the one who cheated?
Correction... Still cheating and does not give a S*** if her husband knows it or not.

Wacked...
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Old 23rd January 2018, 1:14 PM   #32
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Originally Posted by Lostsoul2515 View Post
Hi,

I am right now in a very dark hole. I don't know if I lost my wife or not. I hear those damn voices in my head telling all this negative stuff and preventing me from clear thoughts.

Here is my story:

Last Saturday I found out that my wife cheated on me. My whole world fell appart. I never would've thought anything like this. My wife was always my soulmate, my second half. This was not her, she was always such a perfect loving person. She doesn't smoke,drink or party the whole night. Most of the time (like 99%) we spent together, so she also had not like a bunch of kontakt.
I was shocked and hurt. She called me and I thought she would cry and ask for forgiveness like in a Hollywood movie. But she didn't. She was almost mad and told me we talk when she is home, whenever that would be. After she came home we had a talk. She apologized but also said she needed this and that it was sex and that she needed to do this and that it was a special obsession.
She told me she still love me and that I should not fear. I was out of my mind, but not in anger,in fear,the fear to loose her. The next days were strange for me, she wanted time with me,but she also acted sometimes cold, like nothing happened. We had more talks and I went into pure desperation,the whole program from begging to crying... I expected her to somehow react to it, but it didn't happend. I learn that she has depressions and that a lot of things I've done over the years had hurt her badly. I didn't do it in purpose,but I also ignored all signs.

Then it all became a nightmare last Thursday. She was so extremely cold that day and the pain and fear grew into pure madness. We got loud and I snapped, I told her instead of killing me slowly,why doesn't she just get the gun and end it, pull the trigger. In that moment she lost it, she wanted to leave the room,but I held her,I cried and begged her not to go. She told me to get my hands of her and left the house. She sat into the car locked the door and called someone will crying. I was in shock, my desperate and stupid metaphor was meant to express my love for her, but instead it made her go bersek. I left the house and later came back. She was furious,told me that I f'ed up totally and that from now I can stay on the couch, for now we are roommates. She also told me that she will see this guy again, but that this is not my concern anymore. I asked her if she wants a divorce and she said that she is not sure. Then over the course of the next days we talked a bit more. She told me that she doesn't want me to leave the house, I can stay on the couch. She also said she didn't know if this will work again. I am now for her on the level of dating. She said I scared her so much,she can't get over it right now. She told me that she still feels for me and love me,but right now she wants no bodily contact. She also will leave nextfriday with this guy because he wants a new couch and ask her if she wants to come with him. She will be back Saturday.

I told her that I will give her all freedom and time she needs right now. I think she has bad depression's and maybe even a midlife crisis.

Right now I am dying inside. I want to fight,but I don't know how. I heard she needs her time now and I respect that. My biggest pain is,that she is texting that dude on daily basis and that so soon she goes back to him. I don't know how to fight this? I mean he is the damn saviour right now and I am the guy who scared her and made feel bad... How can I win this????????? We spent some time together yesterday and today and it was hard for,but she said she had a good time. She also told me she loves me. She said she doesn't know what is going on right now,it is like she flipped a switch and now everything is different.

How can I fight? What can I do... She is here but still so far. She is the love of my life, I can't imagine to be without her.... How can I fight this stranger and the depressions and her crisis. How can I show her that I love her more than anything in the world...... It hurts so bad
Hello :

- Welcome to the club, when i read your post, i was feeling that i could have wrote it, i made mistake, wanted to fight, i love my wife to the death ... the whole guilty process

I was, like many other, in a situation somehow similar like yours and it was three month ago.

- My wife, the one that was supposed to keep our family together and who made some vows, was juste a cheating and lying whatever you want to name her.

It's hard, because they are on a pedestal, we love them to the death and the betrayal is like your heart is ripped from your chest and eating alive.

- My wife, like yours, didn't give a **** about me, didn't respect me and like you, i let her ... I fought for her, like a dumbass, during month and the results at the end : i was dumped for the other guy.

So i know exactly were you are and for the kids, i have two, 2 years old and 4, so i know too how it's afraid to think about your family being destroyed.

I'm not afraid to say this anymore, month ago, i was near to kill myself. I couldn't handle the pain, it was too much to process, the end of my marriage, the guilt of my mistake, the kids, the betrayal, the cheating ...

I landed in this forum, share my story to relief some pain and this forum opens my eyes. After reading story after story, this is almost all the time the same pattern with the cheater, they blame you for their behavior, they are selfish as **** and the only thing who matters is their fantasy.

And they often face weak and empathic people able to think "She cheat on me, but this is my fault, i made too much mistake ... ".

It's gigantic bull****, if they cheat on you, it's because they are ****ty person, period. You don't have to cheat on anyone, you end the relationship then do whatever you want, but some people are coward and it made me think off your wife who doesn't know if she want to leave but she's going to see the other guy.

So put this in your head "You may have made mistake" but "It's not your fault". Forgive yourself for the mistake you did, ask her forgiveness for them and move on.

Right now, you are the only one who counts (and your child of course). Protect him, he needs you.

If you want to save your relationship, it's still an open way but, it's on her part now. You can't save anything if the other part don't want, so just focus on yourself. Maybe she will realize how wrong she is right now but again, it's on her, you can't do anything.

And if you want to know if you will survive to this ?!
Yes, i'm not dead and everyone here is well alive and will be here to help you get through this. I'm not going to tell you it's not hard, but you will do it.

Right now, focus on yourself, make exercise, try to eat again, buy new clothes, make things on your own and full no contact.

Don't argue with her, don't insult her, don't do anything silly, they will turn everything you say and act against you.

If she wants to bang another guy while you are still together, sorry but you are better without her.

Ive got some tears when i think about you and your situation, it's reminds me so much my wife and how cruel she was.

You are not alone and you will do it.
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Old 23rd January 2018, 1:22 PM   #33
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File the divorce papers.

She will realize you're not planning to live through this crappy behavior she's showing for an extended period of time.


And pack her one bag and put it on the front steps - why are YOU sleeping on the couch? That's ridiculous!!

Last edited by S2B; 23rd January 2018 at 1:26 PM..
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Old 23rd January 2018, 2:08 PM   #34
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If you have to play this game,
You better make your own rules.

You need to tell her how it's gonna be.
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Old 23rd January 2018, 2:25 PM   #35
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The next time she goes out, you go into YOUR bedroom and pack up all of her clothes, cosmetics, sex toys and whatever into as much luggage or garbage bags as you need and then put it all out on the front porch.

Then call her and tell her to pick it up before it's stolen and cart it over to her loverboy's place. Tell her that's her home now. She is not welcome in YOUR house anymore.
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Old 23rd January 2018, 3:30 PM   #36
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My situation need is difficult. 5 years i left Germany for my wife. I gave up everything and left all behind to be with her. The last 5 years i stayed home and took care of the house, since her income was enough for all of us. Right now i have no DL or job. The house we live in owned by her aunt. I never thought about all this because for me this was a forever thing and there was no need to keep some kind of plan b around.

As for right now i am struggle to know how to proceed. I am right now convinced that she is messed up mentally.... i think she has a super heavy mental all destroying breakdown. That doesn't mean i take all the **** from her, but it worries me for her and my son. She is so far that as right now she even uses him to weaken me and feed on my weakness! I guess she realized that she looses control and that i rather stay under a bridge than to suffer on this ****ing couch. This is pure madness and she spirals down so fast, its hard to keep track of it.....Whatever came back that Saturday, its not my wife... It's like i am in a movie and should call an exorcist!

So far i stay strong and try to be as cold as i can without letting my emotions taking over. Otherwise i will give her more power over me and more **** she can feed on and use against me...

Pure Nightmare!
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Old 23rd January 2018, 3:35 PM   #37
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That is unfortunate. In the short term, get a DL. Then try to get a job. Talk to a lawyer ASAP. Since you gave up your job for her, as a SAHD you should be entitled to at least temporary support / alimony.
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Old 23rd January 2018, 3:37 PM   #38
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File for divorce today! Request spousal support! Request child support!

Show her what the penalty will be if she keeps acting this way.

If the D goes through you will have support money to live.

Start getting a plan together. Find apartments available and find a job where you can start soon. Something close by so you can walk.

At the minimum get an ID card from the DMV so you have a picture ID for a job.
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Old 23rd January 2018, 3:47 PM   #39
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Lostsoul2515 View Post
My situation need is difficult. 5 years i left Germany for my wife. I gave up everything and left all behind to be with her. The last 5 years i stayed home and took care of the house, since her income was enough for all of us. Right now i have no DL or job. The house we live in owned by her aunt. I never thought about all this because for me this was a forever thing and there was no need to keep some kind of plan b around.

As for right now i am struggle to know how to proceed. I am right now convinced that she is messed up mentally.... i think she has a super heavy mental all destroying breakdown. That doesn't mean i take all the **** from her, but it worries me for her and my son. She is so far that as right now she even uses him to weaken me and feed on my weakness! I guess she realized that she looses control and that i rather stay under a bridge than to suffer on this ****ing couch. This is pure madness and she spirals down so fast, its hard to keep track of it.....Whatever came back that Saturday, its not my wife... It's like i am in a movie and should call an exorcist!

So far i stay strong and try to be as cold as i can without letting my emotions taking over. Otherwise i will give her more power over me and more **** she can feed on and use against me...

Pure Nightmare!
This is a very hard situation. All my heart is with you.
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Old 23rd January 2018, 3:51 PM   #40
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Listen...

Quote:
Originally Posted by Lostsoul2515 View Post
My situation need is difficult. 5 years i left Germany for my wife. I gave up everything and left all behind to be with her. The last 5 years i stayed home and took care of the house, since her income was enough for all of us. Right now i have no DL or job. The house we live in owned by her aunt. I never thought about all this because for me this was a forever thing and there was no need to keep some kind of plan b around.

As for right now i am struggle to know how to proceed. I am right now convinced that she is messed up mentally.... i think she has a super heavy mental all destroying breakdown. That doesn't mean i take all the **** from her, but it worries me for her and my son. She is so far that as right now she even uses him to weaken me and feed on my weakness! I guess she realized that she looses control and that i rather stay under a bridge than to suffer on this ****ing couch. This is pure madness and she spirals down so fast, its hard to keep track of it.....Whatever came back that Saturday, its not my wife... It's like i am in a movie and should call an exorcist!

So far i stay strong and try to be as cold as i can without letting my emotions taking over. Otherwise i will give her more power over me and more **** she can feed on and use against me...

Pure Nightmare!
Listen... You need to wake the He** up.

Are you a legal resident? Are you guys married?

You need to talk to a lawyer, yesterday. Scrounge up some money and DO something about your life.

You see how being trusting and weak has gotten you in to this type of situation?

How old are you? You could file for divorce and get her to pay you child support. But you have to find out the details.

It does not matter if she is sick in the head or not, what she is doing is wrong, and you should not stand for it.
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Old 23rd January 2018, 3:57 PM   #41
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My heart goes out to you.

You clearly need her income, so I think the advice you will get moving forward wouldn't be the same advice we would give someone who wasn't dependent on their spouse.

You need to figure out ways to get more self sufficient, in a hurry. There is no way I'd be attracted to someone who lived off my income. Absolutely not. And this is NOT a dig at SAHM's. That is a job. You say your son is 13, so what are you doing all day when he is in school?

I hate to even utter these words as a feminist, but you need to man up. You need to fake it until you make it. Act comfortable in your skin. Act like you're okay with everything that's going on. Do your best to be more attractive. It will mess with her more than you begging and crying will. Nobody want a beggar or a crier. That makes her feel justified.
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Old 23rd January 2018, 4:48 PM   #42
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If I may take a shot at predicting your future.Using my own life experience.

You will continue to try to talk her out of it -talk some sense into her, make her understand or other reasons. You will feel you are "fighting for her and you". Your scared hurting and a mess.

Within 6-12 months you will be divorced. I hope a good lawyer will get you what you need.

You will be be a mess for a year after this divorce. Maybe longer with a kid(s) involved. You wont trust women, won't date, may seek therapy.

Then in 2-3 years you will be embarrassed by your past actions, words, and feelings about her and the end of the marriage. You will wonder why you wasted so much time and energy - when you could have gotten on with your life.

But you are only human. I was too.
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Old 23rd January 2018, 5:18 PM   #43
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If I may take a shot at predicting your future.Using my own life experience.

You will continue to try to talk her out of it -talk some sense into her, make her understand or other reasons. You will feel you are "fighting for her and you". Your scared hurting and a mess.

Within 6-12 months you will be divorced. I hope a good lawyer will get you what you need.

You will be be a mess for a year after this divorce. Maybe longer with a kid(s) involved. You wont trust women, won't date, may seek therapy.

Then in 2-3 years you will be embarrassed by your past actions, words, and feelings about her and the end of the marriage. You will wonder why you wasted so much time and energy - when you could have gotten on with your life.

But you are only human. I was too.

I hope i can make it without the first part. I love her, but the amount of pain she gave over just a week and the level of evil already start to shift my feelings from pain and despair to hate and anger.
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Old 23rd January 2018, 6:20 PM   #44
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Good...Now take that anger and do something positive with it. Remember, you are worth it! File divorce papers. Seek housing and custodial arrangements. Don't worry about a car. You live in the city? Do you have a bicycle? Get a job. Doesn't matter if it is pumping gas, or making a darn burger..Just do it. Having a job is such a great morale booster.

You will be such a happier person. And your wife will be in shock and awe. You being happy is not on her radar. Then you will be the laughing one!
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Old 23rd January 2018, 8:29 PM   #45
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What everyone on here is recommending makes so much sense.

it's not about trying to win her back. In fact, it's all about picking you up and giving you some of your confidence back, and finding yourself again.

Who were you before you met her? What did you like to do? What gave you joy and made you feel good about yourself?

it's time to invite those back into your life.

If you need a pick me up, try getting out and joining a gym, a job seekers group, meet with an employment counselor, etc. These will get you out of your home and around other people, and it will also show you that you have a lot to offer the world.

Whatever you do, Do Not just sit around waiting for her to make up her mind. For now, treat the situation as being that she already made her choice, and it wasn't you. You choose you and your son. I'm not going to lie and say it will be easy or it won't hurt...it will. Consider that the price for your freedom.
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