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I want to fight for my wife.... But don't know how


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Hi,

 

I am right now in a very dark hole. I don't know if I lost my wife or not. I hear those damn voices in my head telling all this negative stuff and preventing me from clear thoughts.

 

Here is my story:

 

Last Saturday I found out that my wife cheated on me. My whole world fell appart. I never would've thought anything like this. My wife was always my soulmate, my second half. This was not her, she was always such a perfect loving person. She doesn't smoke,drink or party the whole night. Most of the time (like 99%) we spent together, so she also had not like a bunch of kontakt.

I was shocked and hurt. She called me and I thought she would cry and ask for forgiveness like in a Hollywood movie. But she didn't. She was almost mad and told me we talk when she is home, whenever that would be. After she came home we had a talk. She apologized but also said she needed this and that it was sex and that she needed to do this and that it was a special obsession.

She told me she still love me and that I should not fear. I was out of my mind, but not in anger,in fear,the fear to loose her. The next days were strange for me, she wanted time with me,but she also acted sometimes cold, like nothing happened. We had more talks and I went into pure desperation,the whole program from begging to crying... I expected her to somehow react to it, but it didn't happend. I learn that she has depressions and that a lot of things I've done over the years had hurt her badly. I didn't do it in purpose,but I also ignored all signs.

 

Then it all became a nightmare last Thursday. She was so extremely cold that day and the pain and fear grew into pure madness. We got loud and I snapped, I told her instead of killing me slowly,why doesn't she just get the gun and end it, pull the trigger. In that moment she lost it, she wanted to leave the room,but I held her,I cried and begged her not to go. She told me to get my hands of her and left the house. She sat into the car locked the door and called someone will crying. I was in shock, my desperate and stupid metaphor was meant to express my love for her, but instead it made her go bersek. I left the house and later came back. She was furious,told me that I f'ed up totally and that from now I can stay on the couch, for now we are roommates. She also told me that she will see this guy again, but that this is not my concern anymore. I asked her if she wants a divorce and she said that she is not sure. Then over the course of the next days we talked a bit more. She told me that she doesn't want me to leave the house, I can stay on the couch. She also said she didn't know if this will work again. I am now for her on the level of dating. She said I scared her so much,she can't get over it right now. She told me that she still feels for me and love me,but right now she wants no bodily contact. She also will leave nextfriday with this guy because he wants a new couch and ask her if she wants to come with him. She will be back Saturday.

 

I told her that I will give her all freedom and time she needs right now. I think she has bad depression's and maybe even a midlife crisis.

 

Right now I am dying inside. I want to fight,but I don't know how. I heard she needs her time now and I respect that. My biggest pain is,that she is texting that dude on daily basis and that so soon she goes back to him. I don't know how to fight this? I mean he is the damn saviour right now and I am the guy who scared her and made feel bad... How can I win this????????? We spent some time together yesterday and today and it was hard for,but she said she had a good time. She also told me she loves me. She said she doesn't know what is going on right now,it is like she flipped a switch and now everything is different.

 

How can I fight? What can I do... She is here but still so far. She is the love of my life, I can't imagine to be without her.... How can I fight this stranger and the depressions and her crisis. How can I show her that I love her more than anything in the world...... It hurts so bad

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First of all your begging, crying and pleading just pushed her farther away. Women are not very attracted to weak men. Unles you can get strong and cut out the crybaby act you have zero chance.

 

You are living in fear she's going to leave you? Don't because she already has.

 

Never leave your home and put her ass on the couch and out of your bedroom.

 

Make sure you expose the affair to the other mans wife immediately without any warning. Exposure is your only weapon better plan it out and use it.

 

You don't wake up and get strong here you'll just be in worse shape.

 

You are telling her you're willing to share her with her boyfriend by your lack of actions.

 

Tell her to either stop the affair or leave. She's rubbing this in your face. You know why? Because you let her.

 

You have to be willing to end this marriage to have any hopes of saving it.

 

Better wake up!!!!!

Edited by Marc878
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You need to immediately go into a hard 180 no contact.

 

If it was me I'd file for D. She's blatantly told you she's going to openly see him to your face.

 

There is nothing to save here.

 

Except yourself!!!!!

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How do you fight for her? You don't. What you do is bit your bottom lip and start to move away from her emotionally.

 

Eat, drink water, go to the gym and start living your life like she isn't a part of it.

 

You see, right now, your wife will use any and all of your actions to justify her behavior. She wants to be with that guy, then make it easy for her, tell her to go to him, but she can't go back and forth. You can't hold on to someone who doesn't want to be held, and you can't lay down and allow her to abuse you. Start making decisions, go see a lawyer ASAP, start the divorce proceedings (they can always be stopped or put on hold) .

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First of all thank you for your answers.

 

After reading my thread, I see that I left out some details.

 

We have a son, he is 13. When we clashed that night I was very loud. She told me afterwards that she fear that he heard me, telling her to pull the trigger on me. That is what made her go beserk. She said right now she is scared the way I am and was. She told me before this massive fight she thought we had it worked out and that I would give her time.

 

Also I know for sure that she is depressed and apparently in a midlife crisis at the same time. Not from her, thru researching.

 

Yes she cheated and yes she will see this guy again, but this is not my wife right now, she changed. I am still taking care of my son and shelter him as good as I can from everything.

 

I also had the thoughts that she will use whatever to justify the situation, but honestly,she could have just kicked me out. The situation we/I are in would made it easy for her. I know that she loves the boy and she would not let him be with me if she was done or hated me or else. Even if she is not my wife right now,she still loves him more than anything.

 

Thank you for your honest answers, but this just going on since 7 days and I still want to fight somehow. There are moments where I see my wife and not this cold thing. She is in there,but I don't know how to get her back. Most people say time and that's ok,I just wonder if she See's him again, how can I compete with this, because for him it easy to make her happy, he doesn't share a live with all responsibility's in it, he just has too fill a couple of hours.

 

I don't know who he is. I know his first name and seen his picture but that is all. I can't get her phone,since I am now on the couch...

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You're just making excuses. If it's what you want, to be abused and mistreated I'm not sure any of us here can help you. Once you decide to look out for yourself then we can help you, good luck.

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How she met him is a mystery, since she never went out alone. It could be just online.

 

How I found out is that she had no idea to pull of such a thing and just wasn't a good liar. She left Saturday and then was missing for hours. Since she never ever did (always a text or a call) I got so scared that I called 911. After 4 hours the sherrifs found her in that hotel.

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Even I didn’t realise this before but if you want her back, you have to go NC. That’s the only way it’s going to happen unless you’re fine with her having a bf.

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LivingWaterPlease
You need to immediately go into a hard 180 no contact.

 

If it was me I'd file for D. She's blatantly told you she's going to openly see him to your face.

 

There is nothing to save here.

 

Except yourself!!!!!

 

^^^^^

This. She's convinced she can have a boyfriend and you'll stay with her. So, she's going to do it. Why wouldn't she?

 

Save yourself from more humiliation. I believe if you allow her to have this bf and give her time, you'll not only lose her but you'll suffer death by a thousand paper cuts as you do so.

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Also I know for sure that she is depressed and apparently in a midlife crisis at the same time. Not from her, thru researching.

 

No excuse!!!

 

Yes she cheated and yes she will see this guy again, but this is not my wife right now, she changed. I am still taking care of my son and shelter him as good as I can from everything.

 

It is a part of who she is. You’re in denial

 

Thank you for your honest answers, but this just going on since 7 days and I still want to fight somehow. There are moments where I see my wife and not this cold thing. She is in there,but I don't know how to get her back. Most people say time and that's ok,I just wonder if she See's him again, how can I compete with this, because for him it easy to make her happy, he doesn't share a live with all responsibility's in it, he just has too fill a couple of hours.

 

Denial won’t get you s thing. This is who she is now

 

I don't know who he is. I know his first name and seen his picture but that is all. I can't get her phone,since I am now on the couch...

 

Find out. Go online and track him by his Phone number. Then expose and file for D

 

She cheats and puts you on the couch. Zero respect because you have none for yourself. Why???

 

Your wife is a typical wayward cheater. Nothing special except she had no shame.

 

You are paralyzed by fear. Until you get out of that you’ll stay where you are.

Edited by Marc878
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Most people in this situation believe that fighting for

their marriage will make everything ok again. Wrong.

If you don't stand up to her and tell her what she did was bs,

she will walk all over you.

Since she cheated on you and says she will continue to

see this man it's more than likely she has already checked

out of the marriage.

The only thing you may have left is respect for yourself.

 

If you are weak you will lose, guaranteed.

 

Depression does not give anyone the right to cheat on their spouse!

 

You will always be second best. That sucks.

 

Do what is best for you.

 

Good luck

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You need to immediately go into a hard 180 no contact.

 

If it was me I'd file for D. She's blatantly told you she's going to openly see him to your face.

 

There is nothing to save here.

 

Except yourself!!!!!

 

You can't help her - that's her job.

 

You can only help yourself - and I suggest you do that... especially when she intends to focus on another man instead of you!

 

I doubt your marriage vows included - I promise to love and honor you until I meet someone I'm more interested in.

 

Let her go... he can support her from here moving forward!

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She doesn't care about you at all, only herself. Knowing that, her behavior makes sense.

 

Since you have shown no strength and no balls, she immediatelly understood that she can do what ever she likes and will get away with everything. She saw that you will forgive EVERYTHING! Including her going to f*** the other man on fridyay. She knows you will welcome her on saturday when she comes back.

 

If she knew that her behavior causes consequences, if she knew she will pay a huge price, as a one that is thinking only about herself, she would act differently - In order to take care of herself. Right now she's doing fine. She has a puppy husband at home, and a whole world of fun out there, without losing anything.

 

If you start growing balls, act firmly and quickly, she will be surprised. She will have to start rethinking her rout. It may push her away, but not more than she's already distance now. You need to see a lawyer immediatelly. Only big actions have the chance to have some influence on her. Because right now you have zero effect. You're nothing to her.

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You have this all backwards. She cheated. She needs to be the one fighting to keep you because she betrayed you. You are the victim here. She has not apologized to you for cheating. She has said that she wants to continue seeing him & that you are relegated to the couch. Oh geeze.

 

I'm sorry but in your situation she should be the one on the couch & you should be kicking her out to go be with her lover. You should be fighting to keep your house & your kid.

 

You deserve better. Find your spine & your manhood. Stop groveling at the feet of this selfish B

 

Go see a lawyer & get into therapy. You can't save something that she is hellbent on smashing to pieces. Also read up on gaslighting. She is trying to make this all your fault when she is the lying, cold, untrustworthy cheater.

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Sigh, I find it hard to read these posts anymore. It reminds me of myself too much - 16 years ago when my first marriage started to end. I am embarrassed how I felt and acted, but I could not help it.

 

The only words of wisdom and experience I can offer now - is fight for yourself, standup and be a strong man, except no B.S or crumbs from her. Respect yourself.

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Hurts to hear, but I knew it all along. When you research her issues it tells you she is not the same and it's not on purpose, but it felt the whole time like all was my fault. I think what triggered this is that I thought she was dead. Had to give dental records to the cops. It was a nightmare.... I talk to my therapist this week and see was he advices. Dunno what to do and how fast. It will destroy the boy. Right now she is somekind of monster who hurts everyone around her. Whoever came back that morning, it's not the woman I married, it's like ****ing mr.hyde

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I'm so sorry for you. I'm glad you are in therapy. Your son will survive. He will not be destroyed. Just keep some of the nastier stuff away from him & get him into a teen divorce support group so he can vent with other kids his age.

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First of all thank you for your answers.

 

After reading my thread, I see that I left out some details.

 

We have a son, he is 13. When we clashed that night I was very loud. She told me afterwards that she fear that he heard me, telling her to pull the trigger on me. That is what made her go beserk. She said right now she is scared the way I am and was. She told me before this massive fight she thought we had it worked out and that I would give her time.

 

Also I know for sure that she is depressed and apparently in a midlife crisis at the same time. Not from her, thru researching.

 

Yes she cheated and yes she will see this guy again, but this is not my wife right now, she changed. I am still taking care of my son and shelter him as good as I can from everything.

 

I also had the thoughts that she will use whatever to justify the situation, but honestly,she could have just kicked me out. The situation we/I are in would made it easy for her. I know that she loves the boy and she would not let him be with me if she was done or hated me or else. Even if she is not my wife right now,she still loves him more than anything.

 

Thank you for your honest answers, but this just going on since 7 days and I still want to fight somehow. There are moments where I see my wife and not this cold thing. She is in there,but I don't know how to get her back. Most people say time and that's ok,I just wonder if she See's him again, how can I compete with this, because for him it easy to make her happy, he doesn't share a live with all responsibility's in it, he just has too fill a couple of hours.

 

I don't know who he is. I know his first name and seen his picture but that is all. I can't get her phone,since I am now on the couch...

 

op,

my spouse had an affair when he was mentally ill ( combat related PTSD), but you know what? Even he admits he was in full knowledge of what was right and wrong. He chose to have an affair. That's incredibly painful, but it's the truth.

 

That is the same for your wife. I'm not saying she wasn't having some sort of emotional crisis, but she could have handled it in some other way.

 

She chose not to. She chose to selfishly pursue this other guy, sleep with him and is continuing to kick you while you are down.

 

Her trying to make you feel guilty about your son?:laugh::laugh::laugh::laugh::sick::sick::sick::sick: That's absolutely one of the most ridiculous things I have ever heard. She was the one who dragged this affair to your doorstep, and the fallout on your son rests on her shoulders. Where was her concern for him whole she was sleeping with this other guy? My guess? it wasn't even on her radar.

 

I know you love her, but that doesn't mean she gets to walk all over you, sleep around and then come back whenever she has all of this out of her system ( or this other guy dumps her) Tell her that you are not going to wait for her while she sows her wild oats. You will start the process of moving on,and the only two choices she has right now are whether or not she wants to leave completely or dump this other guy and fully commit to repairing your marriage. there is no third choice, and you may or may not take her back. That will depend on how she acts.

 

I am so sorry you are going through this. Know that, whether or your marriage survives, better days are ahead ( also, there are lots of women out there who don't cheat)

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Drop whatever your doing and go see a lawyer, seriously.Your being forced into an open marriage whether you want it or not. Your son will always be your son, cheating wives who openly date other men can be fired and replaced. Move her stuff out of your bedroom, do not have sex with her because they always lie about using protection. Do not finance her affair, change your banking. You need to be willing to loose your marriage in order to save it. Begging is not an attractive trait, she will just walk all over you. Read up on "The 180" and implement the traits immediately. It will make you feel strong and give you back control of yourself again.

 

There are many things far worse then divorce, sharing your wife with other men is at the top of the list. If she isn't 100% into you and your marriage stop wasting time on her because you can not control the outcome. The goal is to take yourself out of infidelity as quickly as you can, that may mean she is not part of your future. It is better you find out now rather then wasting years as her back up. Expose her affair, does the o/m have a wife or girlfriend, tell her what's going on. The very next thing you need to say to your wife is that she is free to see any man she wants, just not as your wife. There is only one way to stop this craziness and that is to take yourself out of her games, talk to a lawyer, put her on notice and what ever you do don't back down. What's the worst that can happen? You do nothing and stay her cuckold.

Edited by aliveagain
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Lost soul

All of us here are walking, or have walked in your shoes,

You won't lose your soul but you will find out what you are made of.

Having hope for, and lying to yourself are pretty much the

the same thing right now for you.

It's ok to be concerned for your son, just show him your love,

he'll be alright.

I hate to see anybody get played, especially from someone

who claims to love them.

I wish all the Karma that life has to offer your spouse.

 

One thing that you absolutely can not at any cost lose is your Dignity!

 

Promise us.

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Thank you all for your kind and harsh words. I needed that!

 

All this time i was fighting my demons. I thought they make me loose her and make me suffer. But then those demons started to answer my posts..... And i looked and them and everything became clear. Those thoughts and all you said.... those are no demons... they are Love,Dignity,Consciousness,Strenght and Reality.

 

The whole time i was listening to the demons... dragged into this web. Ready to give myself up, loose all i am into pain and fear. Taking all the guilt in and not only for what i am guilty, no, for the whole damn world.

 

It hurts and it is hard not to give in into this false hope, but i have to stay strong. If not for myself, then for my son. It is hurting him and it will break him if i can't be strong for him.

 

Tonight i will talk to her. She knows i changed. Right now i don't know if she still is that cold monster that thinks i am caught in the lies and the guilt or if somehow my wife fought her way back. She just told me she loves me and she always will.... It feels great but it hurts the same time. If her words are true, she will have to take some of the pain and show me that she doesn't want to loose this, loose us. There is no more me fighting for her, it will only work if she can stand up and take all the **** like i do and fight with me.

 

I will keep you posted because all of you helped me so much and showed me that i am not alone.

 

From my deepest heart.... THANK YOU

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op,

love can be the most wonderful thing in the world...but the way she is treating you isn't about love. In fact, it's about disrespect. She is being incredibly disrespectful to both you and your son.

 

If this is truly a function of some mental health issue she is having, then insist that she seek help.

 

I've been where you are, and I remember the spinning, out of control feeling. It's like you are a leaf floating along in a raging river, desperate to hold onto anything.

 

On of the best things you can do for yourself right now is to begin arming yourself with knowledge. Talk to a lawyer and find out what your options, rights and responsibilities are. Monitor your finances and make sure she is not using any of them for her affair. If you have any good male friends or fmaily members you can trust, seek support form them. Take care of yourself. Eat well, exercise, get enough sleep, and if you feel you are still spinning, talk to your doctor.

 

Another piece of advice is to spend some time thinking about is what sorts of conditions you will need to have met should your wife wish to return. I would assume cutting off all contact with this other guy would be at the top, but how about others like marriage counseling, a timeline of the affair ( if that's something you feel you need), that she draft a no-contact letter and you get to ensure she sends it, complete access to her hone, email,social media, etc. ( and hers to your as well). Whatever you feel you need you should ask for, and make sure she understands that this is fluid and your needs can change over time.

 

None of this automatically mans "divorce", but you will be able to face the situation from a position of strength, which will allow you to make decisions that are the best for you, your son and even your wife.

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I am so sorry this happened to you. Because of my years of military, maybe my view of things is quite different from the norm. This travesty is being committed against you by someone you trusted. STOP begging, stop crying and get MAD and get COLD. No battle, whether on the battlefield or in a domestic situation like yours has ever been won by fighting from a position of weakness. Sir, your position, at present, is about as weak as it can get. She has already figured out that she can do anything she wants and you will beg her not to and offer her anything. She already knows approximately what you are going to do next. You are being manipulated like a puppet and she is pulling the strings. So do something that she least expects. Pack a bag, tell her to care for your son and leave. Tell her you are going to see an attorney(and really go see one) and you don't know if or when you will be coming back. Protect yourself financially. People like your wife has forgotten one very important fact. You can replace her just as fast as she replaced you. When I had my domestic situation I was in Southeast Asia, 10000 miles from home. I had already started making arrangements to go from Asia to Europe and not even come home. A family tragedy forced me to return and by considerable work things turned out great. The point is I was willing to give it all up and walk away. If how you are being treated is the way your life is going to go from now on then get out before your self respect and manhood is completely destroyed. Some advice; when someone breaks my trust and I can no longer trust them, then they can no longer trust me. In the end, the only one that can help you is you. Sorry but reading your story made me angry for you. I do wish you well.

Edited by oldlion
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