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Unplanned pregnancy causing relationship issues


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Old 19th January 2018, 8:05 PM   #1
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Unplanned pregnancy causing relationship issues

Some background first, my live-in boyfriend of going on 6 years (he's 28 y/o next week, I'm 33) and I had an unplanned pregnancy last year. Our daughter will turn 1 year next month. At the time that I found out I was pregnant with her, we were going through a rough patch in the relationship and actually had separated for about 2 weeks (the only time we have done that). Upon finding out about the pregnancy, we ended up reconciling and sticking it out. I wouldn't say we've been perfect since then, but we've been doing alright.

He did NOT want the baby and was extremely detached throughout the pregnancy despite us being "together". I felt very emotionally alone. He was extremely upset that I could not bring myself to have an abortion. I was on birth control when we conceived. Since then, he has proven to be a good daddy and of course he loves his DD, but he has mentioned countless times how my decision to go forward and have the baby has paved his life in a direction that he is still not completely happy with and would not have chosen for himself. I know he still holds a lot of resentment in that he was fairly certain that he never wanted to be a father, or at least not at that time (and I would suspect, given our relationship being on the fence at the time, and the fact that we STILL have not gotten married, he at least did not want children with me - however when faced with that statement he didn't fully admit that part).

I also have an 8 year old son from a previous relationship who's father is not in the picture and never has been. I have tried over the years to get the two of them to form a closer bond. My son "wants" to think of my SO as his "dad", however, my BF has never fully taken on the father role and I feel their relationship could be better if he were to be more involved in my son's life. My son was 2 when we got together so he doesn't know life without him. Thus far, my SO tends to pull the more disciplinarian role without the balance of also being complimentary, encouraging or fun with him. He's very quick to criticize but really never provides praise for anything. However, my son seems to be a happy boy, excels in school, has lots of friends, etc... so even though I recognize and am often bothered by our situation, I tend to leave it alone most of the time. There have been a few times where my SO has been downright out of line (example: calling my son "four eyes" because he wears glasses) where my mama bear has come out in full force. Anytime I've spoken up about how NOT to speak to children (particulary, our/MY child) a fight ensues and SO shuts down completely, won't hear me out, calls me names (very mature) and uses degrading profanities towards me.
I do feel that we need counseling and I've been trying to arrange something that he will agree to participate in. He's a very good man in many ways and he has made attempts to better himself in reqpect to our relationship, as have I, but he's very difficult to communicate with whenever we're faced with a real life issue where we have to talk things out and reach an agreement. I'm a talker, so this often creates problems between us.

Now, the issue at hand:
I'm pregnant again. OOPS! I've been on birth control since our daughter's birth. When she was born I was debating my tubes tied. I'd asked my SO repeatedly for his input on whether or not I should, and if he was CERTAIN he didn't want more children. His only answer to me was "That's your prerogative", so at the last minute I told my doctor we would hold off. I know after the birth of my son, it was a good 2-3 years before I felt like I'd like to have another one someday, so I figured it would be best to leave our options open in case he went through the same.

SO is beside himself about this pregnancy. He is adamant that we need to abort. I have never had an abortion and that's not something I've ever been comfortable with doing. Even though I can agree in my brain that that may be the logical decision here, I am having a very difficult time coming to terms with actually going through with it. I think it would haunt me for life. I did tell him that I thought it was the logical decision. At this time he believes that's what we are doing, but I'm having second thoughts like crazy. I do NOT in any way particularly want another baby right now, either. His arguments are valid in that we cannot afford another baby (although I did recently secretly discover he has been spending over $400/month behind my back on online gambling of sorts - of which I am IRATE but I can't call him on because I hacked his email to find out the amount that was spent. He also smokes a pack a day, which roughly adds up to around $300/mo, so I'm not certain that we CAN'T afford it as much as it would just involve being a little more responsible with finances) I'm really good with budgeting so that sort of stuff unnerves me and honestly scares me about the future because I am going forward with this relationship assuming this is the man I'm going to eventually marry, but if I can't trust him with money and he lies about it, then how does that work? We have outgrown our small condo as it is, so bringing in another baby would certainly mean we'd have to move. Again, not in the current budget, but again, I believe with a little hard work and perserverance anything is possible. We're grown adults here and in so many ways I feel he lives life like a child.

The soonest appointment with my OB isn't for another month, which I have booked. The soonest appointment with planned parenthood is the end of this month, which I also booked. I have no idea how far along I am because I have been on birth control and haven't had any periods, but this week I started feeling movement so I'm guessing I could be 12-14 weeks already.

The only reason I can truly justify aborting this baby, especially this far along, is because I, having no clue I was pregnant, had done a fair amount of wine drinking around the holidays and since. There have been at least 4 occasions where I've drank a bottle to myself or shared a "big" bottle with my SO. I am terrified to think of giving birth to a child with FAS that I have been going back and forth between terminating "just in case" or just having the baby and assuming all will be well (my doctor has assured me FAS is very rare but the horror stories online have burned into my brain).

I'm facing some big decisions here. My kids are my life and bring me more happiness than anything in the world. Having another baby right now would be exhausting and expensive, but I know it would bring (me, at least) a world of joy and love just as my other 2 have. The timing is terrible, and I wish we weren't facing this right now, but, such is life. My SO says if I change my mind on aborting, he might just leave. He says he doesn't know he can handle having another child "against his will" and he's upset that I, being the woman, have the ultimate last word in what happens here. He says if I don't abort that I am making decisions for his life that he didn't want and he feels he should have more say in the decision that is made. (I told him I'd definitely get my tubes tied after this one, if we were to have it - he was less than impressed with me even insinuating there's a chance we may have the baby) I just can't imagine following through with taking one of my children's lives and I'm thinking I can't have this abortion, but I don't want to "ruin" his life, either, as he says, because as the other part of accidentally making this baby I do feel that his opinions should have some bearing.
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Old 19th January 2018, 8:29 PM   #2
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Let him leave then.

It's your baby. It's your body. It's your choice. If he was so worried he could have gotten a vasectomy.

Honestly? You deserve someone better. If when I was pregnant my husband said he thought he might leave, I'd have packed his bags. Have your baby - but get your tubes tied. :-) You sound pretty fertile.

As for the wine, I drank in the beginning. I'm not a doctor but FAS, I think you have to be a full blown alcoholic. That is a not a reason to abort. Can they tell these things at the 20 week amino?
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Old 19th January 2018, 8:47 PM   #3
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Someone who calls a little kid "four-eyes" shouldn't get to have kids. That's a really mean thing to do.

He sounds like a dickhead who projects his crap on y'all. Do what you want and don't listen to him. Your body your choice.
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Old 19th January 2018, 8:58 PM   #4
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Oh boy what a mess.

Honestly, as someone who never wants to be a parent, I really see his side....

But, as someone who never wants to be a parent, I would never have sex with someone who didn't share my pro-choice views (honestly, I am amazed by how many men will play this roulette).

He sounds like a pretty lousy parent. Is this really someone you want to choose to help raise your eldest son? Is this someone you want to choose to father additional children with?

One is already on the ground, so can't do anything there, and the other.... Well, I can't image things will get any better between you and the father.

If abortion is against your constitution, don't do it!!!! I would never wish that upon a woman to have a regret like that.

This guy is an idiot for not getting a vasectomy, or at least using condoms, or at least least least making sure you are on the best birth control for your body, plus pulling out 100% of the time. He has been spinning the barrel of the gun and has shot a bullet twice now.

I say cut him free, and raise your family the best that you can. He sounds like a bad influence on your eldest, and not great with his own blood.
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Old 19th January 2018, 9:03 PM   #5
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Sorry to be blunt, but you made a poor choice in your boyfriend. Your first red flag was the fact that he has not developed any attachment to your son.

You may have made a poor choice with your boyfriend, but don't allow him to make another poor choice. It is your body. Make the decision that is best for you and your children.

I can imagine that your boyfriend won't be with you for a lifetime, but your children will...

If he didn't want children, he should have kept it in his pants or had a vasectomy. When he chose to have sex, he accepted the risk of an unplanned pregnancy. Don't let him put the blame and the responsibility on you.
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Old 19th January 2018, 9:06 PM   #6
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FAS is not as rare as your doctor thinks it is...

The risk depends on so many factors, including how much alcohol was consumed and how far along you are in your pregnancy.

Many women drink wine before they know they are pregnant...
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Old 20th January 2018, 12:59 AM   #7
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The first time he called your son four eyes you should have kicked him out. There is no chance in hell I'd be with a man like that... yet you are hoping for marriage with him.

Pregnancy is a woman's choice. He has a choice of using a condom or he could have had a vasectomy.

This guy isn't going to be with you for life...that's why he said it's your choice to the your tubes...he doesn't want you blaming him down the line for it.

How will an unplanned child impact on the two you have? Finances are a serious issue to think about.

I'm not against abortion. It's right in some circumstances.

Whatever decision you make...I'm unimpressed with his childishness and you need to consider how it affects your son and the memories of mum's boyfriend calling him your eyes... and mum still stayed with such an idiot.
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Old 20th January 2018, 1:40 AM   #8
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Even if you do decide to have an abortion, you have to end this relationship. You have a partner who sounds miserable raising the kids and heís always going to hold it against you for having your daughter. If he canít be a good father to his biological child, how can he be one to your son? Your son sounds wonderful but he will start hating your bf. And regarding marriage, I doubt heís ever going to propose. Donít let this guy bully you to go against your principles because if the doctors say the child will alright and you still have an abortion, I think itíll torment you for the rest of your life.
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Old 20th January 2018, 1:41 AM   #9
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MidnightBlue:
They can diagnose major physical deformities, if there are any present, but usually FAS manifests later after the baby is born.

Amaysngrace:
I appreciate your input. If he truly were always a dick, I assure you I wouldn't still be with him. Obviously he has a lot of sweet characteristics. We do love each other. I realize the tone of my post was backed by pregnancy hormones and some sadness and resentment. He has his flaws, just like anybody else, but he isn't a horrible person. I feel bad that either decision made here is going to deeply and negatively effect one of us.

RecentChange:
I really appreciate your input. Much of the time, I feel about him as you stated. But I equally know the other, loving and committed side of him that's stuck by us

BaileyB:
I can't say for certain that I totally agree, but I appreciate your input. As I've said above, I mentioned a few of our bigger issues here, but our day to day life is usually quite pleasant. We have known each other over 10 years and shared a life and home together for going on 6 years. That's got to say something. It's not all bad. Our biggest arguments are usually only when serious issues (like this arrive). I see a pattern of us having a hard time reaching compromise when it comes to things we feel very differently about. I do agree I shouldn't accept any blame, as I have taken my birth control religiously. It's neither of our faults that it failed (again, lol). It happens. I also agree with pretty much everyone has said that I nto make a decision based on my children and me, before him. I realize relationships are not necessarily forever and are subjective to change. My kids are forever. As is my conscience.
Regarding the FAS, my doctor told me that it is seen in less than 5% of births to women who "drink heavily " during their pregnancies. She stressed there are many women who drink heavily who's children are unaffected and they don't yet fully understand the reasoning behind that. Through my own research I've learned the drinking done during the second half of the first trimester can cause the most harm. I won't know my exact time frame until I get the ultrasound I'm waiting on (I may take myself to the ER this weekend because I'm getting impatient), but I am concerned that a good portion of my indulgent wine nights may have fallen during that time. I'll talk more with my doctor, but that's the main thing right now that I feel could really impact my decision. Otherwise, I don't think abortion feels right in my heart, no matter how logical it may seem in my brain.
Fast forward 30 years ito the future and maybe we'll be able to freeze our fetuses to re-implant at a later date when we are more prepared for them, lol!
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Old 20th January 2018, 6:10 AM   #10
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By your own admission he is mean to your son, being a disciplinarian only without showing him praise.

Now you want to change it up and say he's not always bad. You're right. I guess he's fine as long as he isn't cursing you out for sticking up for your son or if you keep things going his way. He was cold towards you during your last pregnancy, did you forget?

Keep defending him all you'd like with the "nobody's perfect" excuses, but the truth is you wouldn't be seeking advice here if he were a really great guy.

Last edited by amaysngrace; 20th January 2018 at 6:12 AM..
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Old 20th January 2018, 7:20 AM   #11
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You guys were pretty much about to break up at the time of your first child. It appears to only reason you got back together was the child. He seems to be more around out of a sense of duty and responsibility rather than wanting to be, having it made clear that he did not want children.

Him appearing to have that sense of duty and responsibility is a point in his favour. Many others would've turned tail. It however doesn't mean he's a good partner for YOU. He was equally involved in bringing about two of the children, so for these he has to take responsibility whether he wants to or not. Altough it does seem and he might find it a bit odd that contraceptives failed twice and the first time at such a critical one.

Some people are telling you that it's your body and your choice. Which is entirely true but stands in stark contrast to your decision on whether you wanted to have your tubes tied or not being based on his input.


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Your first red flag was the fact that he has not developed any attachment to your son.
Why? While I agree that he should not be calling the child four eyes even if he was joking. It's not his child. Why does he HAVE to develop an attachment and relationship with the child. The child has a father, one who turned tail but might return at any given moment.

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He was cold towards you during your last pregnancy, did you forget?
This is actually fairly important and appears to be overlooked a lot. They were in the process of breaking up. He came back in to take responsibility for his child, not because he wanted said child or because he wanted to get back to OP but it appears more to be that he felt he HAD to do so. He does not want to be there. He resents being there. He never wanted any of this and it's only going to get worse over time.

It's pretty much no relationship but one person hanging around because they feel they HAVE to do so and are OBLIGATED with another person trying to make a relationship work. Now they're adding a third child to the mix, ramping up the entire thing.

Last edited by Maraud3r; 20th January 2018 at 7:24 AM..
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Old 20th January 2018, 7:46 AM   #12
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Some people are telling you that it's your body and your choice. Which is entirely true but stands in stark contrast to your decision on whether you wanted to have your tubes tied or not being based on his input.
Which he in turn left up to her so he should be respectful now by not holding it against her for not having them tied and becoming pregnant again. He had his say so to blame her 100% puts him in the wrong.


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Why? It's not his child. Why does he HAVE to develop an attachment and relationship with the child.
Healthy individuals tend to form relationships with the people they live with. The fact that he hasn't makes him seem like a DH but him only disciplining him and calling him names, then cursing out his mom in front of him for sticking up for the boy, makes him a scumbag DH

They all walk on eggshells around him. That's abusive. And calling a small boy names isn't joking. It's bullying.
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Old 20th January 2018, 9:41 AM   #13
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I think it's time you got real about this relationship...but some things stood out and I wonder if desperation is keeping you in this relationship.

The pregnancy just adds to the issues...but it's not a great relationship. If he can't be nice to your son...he has no business being in a relationship with you.


A few gems.

He did NOT want the baby and was extremely detached throughout the pregnancy

I felt very emotionally alone.

He was extremely upset that I could not bring myself to have an abortion

he has mentioned countless times how my decision to go forward and have the baby has paved his life in a direction that he is still not completely happy with and would not have chosen for himself

What is your response when he says this? Because I'd be telling him to bugger off after hearing it repeatedly.

I know he still holds a lot of resentment in that he was fairly certain that he never wanted to be a father

my SO tends to pull the more disciplinarian role without the balance of also being complimentary, encouraging or fun with him

Stop subjecting your son to this. He'll soon see how his sister is favoured over him.

He's very quick to criticize but really never provides praise for anything

Anytime I've spoken up about how NOT to speak to children (particulary, our/MY child) a fight ensues and SO shuts down completely, won't hear me out, calls me names (very mature) and uses degrading profanities towards me.

Why do you tolerate this?

I am going forward with this relationship assuming this is the man I'm going to eventually marry

Why do assume this? Has he ever mentioned marrying you?

Before bringing any more children into this not so great relationship...please protect your son your BF.
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Old 20th January 2018, 10:00 AM   #14
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Indeed, you may feel that life is good day to day but by your own words...

He is verbally abusive to you and your son, he refuses to take responsibility and go to counselling, and he has a gambling habit that he has tried to hide.

He has told you that he did not want to be a father and he has asked you to abort both of your pregnancies. In fact, he has shown you that he does not want to be a father in his treatment of your son. And yes, your son is likely to notice the difference between the way your boyfriend treats him and his other two siblings... And this will create what can probably best be described as an emotionally abusive home for your son.

As to the person who said it's not his son... Well, when he moved in with this woman he knew that she had a son. Of course, it is his step son but he was two years old and his real father was nowhere to be found. An emotionally healthy and responsible man would have recognized this and seen a child who was looking for a father figure... the fact that he has remained cold, and distant, and tough on this child is not an indicator of a good, kind, or healthy man. When he moved in with this child's mother, he should have agreed to be a "father" to the child. The fact that he hasn't done this was a HUGE RED FLAG that he was not a good man, and he does not want to be a father.

Last edited by BaileyB; 20th January 2018 at 10:32 AM..
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Old 20th January 2018, 10:56 AM   #15
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Originally Posted by amaysngrace View Post
Which he in turn left up to her so he should be respectful now by not holding it against her for not having them tied and becoming pregnant again. He had his say so to blame her 100% puts him in the wrong.
Except it's a catch-22 dilemma from the get go. If he told her so, he would be a terrible person anyway. Doubly so if their relationship ever ended because now she would never be able to have children with someone else.

Quote:
Healthy individuals tend to form relationships with the people they live with.
Sure they do. They however do not necessarily develop paternal or maternal relationships. Especially if the child in question isn't theirs.
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And calling a small boy names isn't joking. It's bullying.
I didn't say he was joking, I said that "EVEN IF". There's a huge difference between these two. Having to resort to misrepresent me so does not speak well for you or your argument.

Once again, the guy RESENTS being there and it's very clear. He and OP would likely not even be together anymore if she hadn't had the child. Their relationship is only going to get worse from here on out. Because it seems the only reason the guy sticks around is because he feels obligated and forced to do out of a sense of duty to his biological child(ren).

Their relationship is pretty much a farce.


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As to the person who said it's not his son... Well, when he moved in with this woman he knew that she had a son.
Having a relationship with the mother does not transform him into the father of the child. Into does not mean he signed adoption papers, told her he wanted to be the father of the child and rear it in it's fathers stead.

Quote:
An emotionally healthy and responsible man would have recognized this and seen a child who was looking for a father figure... the fact that he has remained cold, and distant, and tough on this child is not an indicator of a good, kind, or healthy man.
TIL Single Mothers set the parameters by which to judge a "healthy","responsible" and "good" man. At which they excell, as their status as single mothers shows us.

Is their relationship healthy? No! Is it going to get better? No! The guy didn't want children, that was very clear from the get go. That he stuck around anyway is a wonder, most such as the father of her first child would have turned tail and ran.
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