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Unplanned pregnancy causing relationship issues


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Some background first, my live-in boyfriend of going on 6 years (he's 28 y/o next week, I'm 33) and I had an unplanned pregnancy last year. Our daughter will turn 1 year next month. At the time that I found out I was pregnant with her, we were going through a rough patch in the relationship and actually had separated for about 2 weeks (the only time we have done that). Upon finding out about the pregnancy, we ended up reconciling and sticking it out. I wouldn't say we've been perfect since then, but we've been doing alright.

 

He did NOT want the baby and was extremely detached throughout the pregnancy despite us being "together". I felt very emotionally alone. He was extremely upset that I could not bring myself to have an abortion. I was on birth control when we conceived. Since then, he has proven to be a good daddy and of course he loves his DD, but he has mentioned countless times how my decision to go forward and have the baby has paved his life in a direction that he is still not completely happy with and would not have chosen for himself. I know he still holds a lot of resentment in that he was fairly certain that he never wanted to be a father, or at least not at that time (and I would suspect, given our relationship being on the fence at the time, and the fact that we STILL have not gotten married, he at least did not want children with me - however when faced with that statement he didn't fully admit that part).

 

I also have an 8 year old son from a previous relationship who's father is not in the picture and never has been. I have tried over the years to get the two of them to form a closer bond. My son "wants" to think of my SO as his "dad", however, my BF has never fully taken on the father role and I feel their relationship could be better if he were to be more involved in my son's life. My son was 2 when we got together so he doesn't know life without him. Thus far, my SO tends to pull the more disciplinarian role without the balance of also being complimentary, encouraging or fun with him. He's very quick to criticize but really never provides praise for anything. However, my son seems to be a happy boy, excels in school, has lots of friends, etc... so even though I recognize and am often bothered by our situation, I tend to leave it alone most of the time. There have been a few times where my SO has been downright out of line (example: calling my son "four eyes" because he wears glasses) where my mama bear has come out in full force. Anytime I've spoken up about how NOT to speak to children (particulary, our/MY child) a fight ensues and SO shuts down completely, won't hear me out, calls me names (very mature) and uses degrading profanities towards me.

I do feel that we need counseling and I've been trying to arrange something that he will agree to participate in. He's a very good man in many ways and he has made attempts to better himself in reqpect to our relationship, as have I, but he's very difficult to communicate with whenever we're faced with a real life issue where we have to talk things out and reach an agreement. I'm a talker, so this often creates problems between us.

 

Now, the issue at hand:

I'm pregnant again. OOPS! I've been on birth control since our daughter's birth. When she was born I was debating my tubes tied. I'd asked my SO repeatedly for his input on whether or not I should, and if he was CERTAIN he didn't want more children. His only answer to me was "That's your prerogative", so at the last minute I told my doctor we would hold off. I know after the birth of my son, it was a good 2-3 years before I felt like I'd like to have another one someday, so I figured it would be best to leave our options open in case he went through the same.

 

SO is beside himself about this pregnancy. He is adamant that we need to abort. I have never had an abortion and that's not something I've ever been comfortable with doing. Even though I can agree in my brain that that may be the logical decision here, I am having a very difficult time coming to terms with actually going through with it. I think it would haunt me for life. I did tell him that I thought it was the logical decision. At this time he believes that's what we are doing, but I'm having second thoughts like crazy. I do NOT in any way particularly want another baby right now, either. His arguments are valid in that we cannot afford another baby (although I did recently secretly discover he has been spending over $400/month behind my back on online gambling of sorts - of which I am IRATE but I can't call him on because I hacked his email to find out the amount that was spent. He also smokes a pack a day, which roughly adds up to around $300/mo, so I'm not certain that we CAN'T afford it as much as it would just involve being a little more responsible with finances) I'm really good with budgeting so that sort of stuff unnerves me and honestly scares me about the future because I am going forward with this relationship assuming this is the man I'm going to eventually marry, but if I can't trust him with money and he lies about it, then how does that work? We have outgrown our small condo as it is, so bringing in another baby would certainly mean we'd have to move. Again, not in the current budget, but again, I believe with a little hard work and perserverance anything is possible. We're grown adults here and in so many ways I feel he lives life like a child.

 

The soonest appointment with my OB isn't for another month, which I have booked. The soonest appointment with planned parenthood is the end of this month, which I also booked. I have no idea how far along I am because I have been on birth control and haven't had any periods, but this week I started feeling movement so I'm guessing I could be 12-14 weeks already.

 

The only reason I can truly justify aborting this baby, especially this far along, is because I, having no clue I was pregnant, had done a fair amount of wine drinking around the holidays and since. There have been at least 4 occasions where I've drank a bottle to myself or shared a "big" bottle with my SO. I am terrified to think of giving birth to a child with FAS that I have been going back and forth between terminating "just in case" or just having the baby and assuming all will be well (my doctor has assured me FAS is very rare but the horror stories online have burned into my brain).

 

I'm facing some big decisions here. My kids are my life and bring me more happiness than anything in the world. Having another baby right now would be exhausting and expensive, but I know it would bring (me, at least) a world of joy and love just as my other 2 have. The timing is terrible, and I wish we weren't facing this right now, but, such is life. My SO says if I change my mind on aborting, he might just leave. He says he doesn't know he can handle having another child "against his will" and he's upset that I, being the woman, have the ultimate last word in what happens here. He says if I don't abort that I am making decisions for his life that he didn't want and he feels he should have more say in the decision that is made. (I told him I'd definitely get my tubes tied after this one, if we were to have it - he was less than impressed with me even insinuating there's a chance we may have the baby) I just can't imagine following through with taking one of my children's lives and I'm thinking I can't have this abortion, but I don't want to "ruin" his life, either, as he says, because as the other part of accidentally making this baby I do feel that his opinions should have some bearing.

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MidnightBlue1980

Let him leave then.

 

It's your baby. It's your body. It's your choice. If he was so worried he could have gotten a vasectomy.

 

Honestly? You deserve someone better. If when I was pregnant my husband said he thought he might leave, I'd have packed his bags. Have your baby - but get your tubes tied. :-) You sound pretty fertile.

 

As for the wine, I drank in the beginning. I'm not a doctor but FAS, I think you have to be a full blown alcoholic. That is a not a reason to abort. Can they tell these things at the 20 week amino?

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Someone who calls a little kid "four-eyes" shouldn't get to have kids. That's a really mean thing to do.

 

He sounds like a dickhead who projects his crap on y'all. Do what you want and don't listen to him. Your body your choice.

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Oh boy what a mess.

 

Honestly, as someone who never wants to be a parent, I really see his side....

 

But, as someone who never wants to be a parent, I would never have sex with someone who didn't share my pro-choice views (honestly, I am amazed by how many men will play this roulette).

 

He sounds like a pretty lousy parent. Is this really someone you want to choose to help raise your eldest son? Is this someone you want to choose to father additional children with?

 

One is already on the ground, so can't do anything there, and the other.... Well, I can't image things will get any better between you and the father.

 

If abortion is against your constitution, don't do it!!!! I would never wish that upon a woman to have a regret like that.

 

This guy is an idiot for not getting a vasectomy, or at least using condoms, or at least least least making sure you are on the best birth control for your body, plus pulling out 100% of the time. He has been spinning the barrel of the gun and has shot a bullet twice now.

 

I say cut him free, and raise your family the best that you can. He sounds like a bad influence on your eldest, and not great with his own blood.

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Sorry to be blunt, but you made a poor choice in your boyfriend. Your first red flag was the fact that he has not developed any attachment to your son.

 

You may have made a poor choice with your boyfriend, but don't allow him to make another poor choice. It is your body. Make the decision that is best for you and your children.

 

I can imagine that your boyfriend won't be with you for a lifetime, but your children will...

 

If he didn't want children, he should have kept it in his pants or had a vasectomy. When he chose to have sex, he accepted the risk of an unplanned pregnancy. Don't let him put the blame and the responsibility on you.

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FAS is not as rare as your doctor thinks it is...

 

The risk depends on so many factors, including how much alcohol was consumed and how far along you are in your pregnancy.

 

Many women drink wine before they know they are pregnant...

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The first time he called your son four eyes you should have kicked him out. There is no chance in hell I'd be with a man like that... yet you are hoping for marriage with him.

 

Pregnancy is a woman's choice. He has a choice of using a condom or he could have had a vasectomy.

 

This guy isn't going to be with you for life...that's why he said it's your choice to the your tubes...he doesn't want you blaming him down the line for it.

 

How will an unplanned child impact on the two you have? Finances are a serious issue to think about.

 

I'm not against abortion. It's right in some circumstances.

 

Whatever decision you make...I'm unimpressed with his childishness and you need to consider how it affects your son and the memories of mum's boyfriend calling him your eyes... and mum still stayed with such an idiot.

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Even if you do decide to have an abortion, you have to end this relationship. You have a partner who sounds miserable raising the kids and he’s always going to hold it against you for having your daughter. If he can’t be a good father to his biological child, how can he be one to your son? Your son sounds wonderful but he will start hating your bf. And regarding marriage, I doubt he’s ever going to propose. Don’t let this guy bully you to go against your principles because if the doctors say the child will alright and you still have an abortion, I think it’ll torment you for the rest of your life.

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MidnightBlue:

They can diagnose major physical deformities, if there are any present, but usually FAS manifests later after the baby is born.

 

Amaysngrace:

I appreciate your input. If he truly were always a dick, I assure you I wouldn't still be with him. Obviously he has a lot of sweet characteristics. We do love each other. I realize the tone of my post was backed by pregnancy hormones and some sadness and resentment. He has his flaws, just like anybody else, but he isn't a horrible person. I feel bad that either decision made here is going to deeply and negatively effect one of us.

 

RecentChange:

I really appreciate your input. Much of the time, I feel about him as you stated. But I equally know the other, loving and committed side of him that's stuck by us

 

BaileyB:

I can't say for certain that I totally agree, but I appreciate your input. As I've said above, I mentioned a few of our bigger issues here, but our day to day life is usually quite pleasant. We have known each other over 10 years and shared a life and home together for going on 6 years. That's got to say something. It's not all bad. Our biggest arguments are usually only when serious issues (like this arrive). I see a pattern of us having a hard time reaching compromise when it comes to things we feel very differently about. I do agree I shouldn't accept any blame, as I have taken my birth control religiously. It's neither of our faults that it failed (again, lol). It happens. I also agree with pretty much everyone has said that I nto make a decision based on my children and me, before him. I realize relationships are not necessarily forever and are subjective to change. My kids are forever. As is my conscience.

Regarding the FAS, my doctor told me that it is seen in less than 5% of births to women who "drink heavily " during their pregnancies. She stressed there are many women who drink heavily who's children are unaffected and they don't yet fully understand the reasoning behind that. Through my own research I've learned the drinking done during the second half of the first trimester can cause the most harm. I won't know my exact time frame until I get the ultrasound I'm waiting on (I may take myself to the ER this weekend because I'm getting impatient), but I am concerned that a good portion of my indulgent wine nights may have fallen during that time. I'll talk more with my doctor, but that's the main thing right now that I feel could really impact my decision. Otherwise, I don't think abortion feels right in my heart, no matter how logical it may seem in my brain.

Fast forward 30 years ito the future and maybe we'll be able to freeze our fetuses to re-implant at a later date when we are more prepared for them, lol!

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By your own admission he is mean to your son, being a disciplinarian only without showing him praise.

 

Now you want to change it up and say he's not always bad. You're right. I guess he's fine as long as he isn't cursing you out for sticking up for your son or if you keep things going his way. He was cold towards you during your last pregnancy, did you forget?

 

Keep defending him all you'd like with the "nobody's perfect" excuses, but the truth is you wouldn't be seeking advice here if he were a really great guy.

Edited by amaysngrace
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You guys were pretty much about to break up at the time of your first child. It appears to only reason you got back together was the child. He seems to be more around out of a sense of duty and responsibility rather than wanting to be, having it made clear that he did not want children.

 

Him appearing to have that sense of duty and responsibility is a point in his favour. Many others would've turned tail. It however doesn't mean he's a good partner for YOU. He was equally involved in bringing about two of the children, so for these he has to take responsibility whether he wants to or not. Altough it does seem and he might find it a bit odd that contraceptives failed twice and the first time at such a critical one.

 

Some people are telling you that it's your body and your choice. Which is entirely true but stands in stark contrast to your decision on whether you wanted to have your tubes tied or not being based on his input.

 

 

Your first red flag was the fact that he has not developed any attachment to your son.

Why? While I agree that he should not be calling the child four eyes even if he was joking. It's not his child. Why does he HAVE to develop an attachment and relationship with the child. The child has a father, one who turned tail but might return at any given moment.

 

He was cold towards you during your last pregnancy, did you forget?

This is actually fairly important and appears to be overlooked a lot. They were in the process of breaking up. He came back in to take responsibility for his child, not because he wanted said child or because he wanted to get back to OP but it appears more to be that he felt he HAD to do so. He does not want to be there. He resents being there. He never wanted any of this and it's only going to get worse over time.

 

It's pretty much no relationship but one person hanging around because they feel they HAVE to do so and are OBLIGATED with another person trying to make a relationship work. Now they're adding a third child to the mix, ramping up the entire thing.

Edited by Maraud3r
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Some people are telling you that it's your body and your choice. Which is entirely true but stands in stark contrast to your decision on whether you wanted to have your tubes tied or not being based on his input.

 

Which he in turn left up to her so he should be respectful now by not holding it against her for not having them tied and becoming pregnant again. He had his say so to blame her 100% puts him in the wrong.

 

 

Why? It's not his child. Why does he HAVE to develop an attachment and relationship with the child.

 

Healthy individuals tend to form relationships with the people they live with. The fact that he hasn't makes him seem like a DH but him only disciplining him and calling him names, then cursing out his mom in front of him for sticking up for the boy, makes him a scumbag DH

 

They all walk on eggshells around him. That's abusive. And calling a small boy names isn't joking. It's bullying.

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I think it's time you got real about this relationship...but some things stood out and I wonder if desperation is keeping you in this relationship.

 

The pregnancy just adds to the issues...but it's not a great relationship. If he can't be nice to your son...he has no business being in a relationship with you.

 

 

A few gems.

 

He did NOT want the baby and was extremely detached throughout the pregnancy

 

I felt very emotionally alone.

 

He was extremely upset that I could not bring myself to have an abortion

 

he has mentioned countless times how my decision to go forward and have the baby has paved his life in a direction that he is still not completely happy with and would not have chosen for himself

 

What is your response when he says this? Because I'd be telling him to bugger off after hearing it repeatedly.

 

I know he still holds a lot of resentment in that he was fairly certain that he never wanted to be a father

 

my SO tends to pull the more disciplinarian role without the balance of also being complimentary, encouraging or fun with him

 

Stop subjecting your son to this. He'll soon see how his sister is favoured over him.

 

He's very quick to criticize but really never provides praise for anything

 

Anytime I've spoken up about how NOT to speak to children (particulary, our/MY child) a fight ensues and SO shuts down completely, won't hear me out, calls me names (very mature) and uses degrading profanities towards me.

 

Why do you tolerate this?

 

I am going forward with this relationship assuming this is the man I'm going to eventually marry

 

Why do assume this? Has he ever mentioned marrying you?

 

Before bringing any more children into this not so great relationship...please protect your son your BF.

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Indeed, you may feel that life is good day to day but by your own words...

 

He is verbally abusive to you and your son, he refuses to take responsibility and go to counselling, and he has a gambling habit that he has tried to hide.

 

He has told you that he did not want to be a father and he has asked you to abort both of your pregnancies. In fact, he has shown you that he does not want to be a father in his treatment of your son. And yes, your son is likely to notice the difference between the way your boyfriend treats him and his other two siblings... And this will create what can probably best be described as an emotionally abusive home for your son.

 

As to the person who said it's not his son... Well, when he moved in with this woman he knew that she had a son. Of course, it is his step son but he was two years old and his real father was nowhere to be found. An emotionally healthy and responsible man would have recognized this and seen a child who was looking for a father figure... the fact that he has remained cold, and distant, and tough on this child is not an indicator of a good, kind, or healthy man. When he moved in with this child's mother, he should have agreed to be a "father" to the child. The fact that he hasn't done this was a HUGE RED FLAG that he was not a good man, and he does not want to be a father.

Edited by BaileyB
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Which he in turn left up to her so he should be respectful now by not holding it against her for not having them tied and becoming pregnant again. He had his say so to blame her 100% puts him in the wrong.

Except it's a catch-22 dilemma from the get go. If he told her so, he would be a terrible person anyway. Doubly so if their relationship ever ended because now she would never be able to have children with someone else.

 

Healthy individuals tend to form relationships with the people they live with.

Sure they do. They however do not necessarily develop paternal or maternal relationships. Especially if the child in question isn't theirs.

And calling a small boy names isn't joking. It's bullying.

I didn't say he was joking, I said that "EVEN IF". There's a huge difference between these two. Having to resort to misrepresent me so does not speak well for you or your argument.

 

Once again, the guy RESENTS being there and it's very clear. He and OP would likely not even be together anymore if she hadn't had the child. Their relationship is only going to get worse from here on out. Because it seems the only reason the guy sticks around is because he feels obligated and forced to do out of a sense of duty to his biological child(ren).

 

Their relationship is pretty much a farce.

 

 

As to the person who said it's not his son... Well, when he moved in with this woman he knew that she had a son.

Having a relationship with the mother does not transform him into the father of the child. Into does not mean he signed adoption papers, told her he wanted to be the father of the child and rear it in it's fathers stead.

 

An emotionally healthy and responsible man would have recognized this and seen a child who was looking for a father figure... the fact that he has remained cold, and distant, and tough on this child is not an indicator of a good, kind, or healthy man.

TIL Single Mothers set the parameters by which to judge a "healthy","responsible" and "good" man. At which they excell, as their status as single mothers shows us.

 

Is their relationship healthy? No! Is it going to get better? No! The guy didn't want children, that was very clear from the get go. That he stuck around anyway is a wonder, most such as the father of her first child would have turned tail and ran.

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I don't necessarily think he us obligated to be a dad to the OPs son... but he should at least he should be friendly and nice to him.

 

From what you describe...it's like your son irritates him .... he's quick to criticise him... never gives praise to him.

 

He sounds so immature.

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He sounds so immature.

 

This is it. This is also the same guy who refuses to celebrate birthdays and holidays.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/645937-what-would-you-do-if-your-so-didn-t-acknowledge-your-birthday-holidays

 

I'm sorry OP. He sounds selfish, inconsiderate of the feeelings of others, and immature... he still has a lot of growing up to do.

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The first time he called your son four eyes you should have kicked him out. There is no chance in hell I'd be with a man like that... yet you are hoping for marriage with him.

 

I feel the need to mention that my SO does NOT go around calling my son names. We ALL know I would never stand for that. Some here seemed to have interpreted my one example as a clue that he regularly bullies or name calls my child. That's not the case. I used that as an example of something that triggered an argument between us.

 

That comment literally just happened a few weeks ago. We'd gone to Yosemite for New Year's weekend. We brought the kids, got a room, had a GREAT time. Lovely impromptu family vacation. On the ride home my son was talking about another little boy he knows. He wasn't insulting this kid or anything, but something in what he said prompted my SO to reply with, "Who are you to say that? You guys are the same age, you look alike. Heck, he's even a four eyes like you".

I instantly backhanded his leg while he was driving and said "You DON'T ever say that to a child. Don't you dare speak to him like that". If he'd apologized or dropped it, it wouldn't have even been an issue. It was his reaction that got me heated. He became defensive saying he wasn't insulting him, he was stating a fact. I told him kids get enough bullying and criticism from other kids, they should never get it from their parents. I know him well. He doesn't like being put on the spot or feeling like I'm trying to "mother" him. He doesn't back down to keep the peace if he feels he's right. He thinks I'm too emotional and this type of behavior is coddling a child and that kid's shouldn't get sugar coating. He told me to shut up. I said "Don't talk to me like that in front of the kids". Then it turned into "Oh, just shut your effing mouth, B****. You just know so much, with your major in psychology, blah blah." and he started mocking everything I said and pretty much behaving more immature than a child for the remainder of the car ride.

I didn't speak to him for 3 days after that. Such a shame. We'd had a great trip. We're both really close with his sister. I talked to her when we got home (she lives next door) and so did he at some point. She fully agreed with me and also told him that you don't speak to kids like that.

His MO is rarely to sit down and apologize for things he's said. He's very much a guy who's in his own head much of the time. I have learned over the years that I can't sit around expecting an apology or to ever hear "Maybe you were right and I was wrong ". However, I have also come to realize that when he internalizes that he was wrong, he will tailor his future reactions to reflect that. I don't think he'll ever make that particular comment to my son again.

 

His disrespect towards me and calling me profanities or belittling me when we disagree on something is one of my biggest issues in our relationship. It doesn't happen all too often anymore, (it had actually been so long that I didn't think that was an issue between us anymore). I am especially big on that when it's in front of the kids.

 

That exact behavior (verbal abuse) was what actually triggered a chain reaction of events that led to our separation previously. He was quite intoxicated at that time, I was trying to reason with him, (in hindsight I probably shouldn't have bothered trying to reason with a drunk, but at the time he was verbally poking, prodding and instigating me and I lost it) he started talking to me like that and I snapped. I grabbed his empty beer bottle and wholloped him upside the head a few times with it. (This was NOT in the presence of my son or anyone else. We have NEVER been physical with each other before or since, and never in front of the children, just to put that out there) This was in May of 2016. I have never physically assaulted anyone in my life and my own reaction and lack of self control in that moment scared the bejeezus out of me. He told me we were done, to which I fully agreed. I was done with him, too. I knew we were over and didn't believe there was any chance of coming back from that. A few days later, still struggling with what I'd done, I checked myself into the hospital and had myself 5150'd. I'd reached a breaking point and an all time low. During my 72 hour stay, lab work was run and I was told my thyroid levels (previously always low) were incredibly high, and that I was pregnant (with our now 11 month old daughter).

 

We got back together within a couple weeks after that, attended some counseling which unfortunately wasn't a good fit for us. The only thing my insurance would cover was group sessions through Kaiser that were over an hour from home. We had to rush after work in heavy city traffic from different directions to meet there and attend this class with 10+ other couples who were just... Not our type of people and the issues we were having were not even close to being addressed. I was glad he agreed to participate and try it out, but after 3 sessions we mutually decided that particular setting wasn't helping us in any way.

 

Since that time, it certainly hasn't been all rainbows and butterflies with us, but we certainly have come A LONG way from how we were. We have both, slowly, learned to set boundaries and give each other space. I am still holding out hope tbat we can continue to move forward, especially in the area of respect for one another and the childish name calling. It's become FAR less frequent, but I still look forward to the day where it's a thing of the past and no disagreement EVER results in that. The name calling is entirely his thing. I don't do that. Truly not with anyone. I don't believe that's a way that adults should ever converse. I see it as uneducated, immature, and rediculous and for me it literally only creates anger and resentment and never actually addresses whatever issue is at hand.

 

Throughout my pregnancy with our daughter, we had the conversation many times of if we were only back together because of the pregnancy. He has assured me that the pregnancy and our relationship are and were totally separate. He says he did not have to stay with me to be a good father to his child and that he would not still be in this relationship if he didn't love me and want to be with me, child or not. He still stands by that. I tend to think differently, but regardless of whether that's true or not, I figure at this point, what could have happened is in the past and the important part is that he's here, I'm here, we're still in this together and we love each other enough to have stuck through it and continue our lives together. That's all that matters to me now.

 

He doesn't appear to be miserable with me or with his life. As I've stated, our daily life is typically quite pleasant. We've both grown a lot together and still have a lot of growing to do.

 

I've discussed a lot of the bad, but little of the good. He's a hard worker with a good work ethic as am I. He's a loving man with a kind heart. He tells me he loves me everyday. He is affectionate. We hug, we kiss, we cuddle, we laugh. We send each other stupid, sappy text messages and have a good sex life. We make each other feel loved and we are still physically attracted to each other. He is committed and not a cheat, which is HUGE in my book. He loves our animals and he's proven to be a WONDERFUL daddy to our little girl. There's been a lot of time this winter where he hasn't had much work, and despite paying for child care whether we use it or not, he never takes her to the nanny if he's off work. If he's home and I'm working, he stays home with her. She adores him, as does my son. True, he's never developed an overly emotional or extremely loving relationship with my son, but my son doesn't remember life without him and enjoys that he plays video games and is great with Legos. Sure, *I* wish that would get a call that he took his day off and spent it taking my son to the park or asking about his school day. I wish he were more involved with his sports and his friendshipsa and day to day life. I wish they had developed a more "father/son" bond after all these years. My SO has made mention that my son has never seemed to want or instigate that. I've explained to him that's not up to the child, it's up to the adult. My SO believes that, even though his biological father is nowhere to be found, my son already has a father figure in his life (oddly enough, my uncle, with whom my son is VERY close. He coaches his sports teams, takes him on road trips, to the movies, and pretty much tries to spend any free moment he can with him). My SO thinks there's no room for him in this equation and feels like the third wheel. He has stated (to his sister, not to me) that my son gets so much praise and love and coddling from my family (my mom and uncle) that he feels like his place in the father role is to be the logical one who teaches him discipline, enforces the rules, and basically teaches him how to be a "man". I may agree with this if my son were a disrespectful or unruly kid, but he's quite the opposite. He's very sensitive, he is a GREAT kid. He's intelligent, he listens well, he's his own hardest critic and truly never talks back, acts out, or breaks the rules. He's been nothing but sweet, loving and extremely helpful with his baby sister and with all of us.

 

As for marriage, my SO does not believe in it because he thinks it's strictly to prove to other people that you love someone and he thinks that's a facade. He believes that commitment and staying together through thick and thin means more than a legal document and a ring. I've explained to him that my goal is to be married eventually, but I'm fully okay with that being on our own terms and more unconventional. I want a ring, and I want to refer to one another as husband and wife. I don't plan to be an old couple still talking about my boyfriend/SO/other half/life partner. I also feel that wearing rings is important to show the outside world that you are committed to someone. However, in the grand scheme of things this is, at this time anyways, low on my list of priorities and as mentioned the fact that he's not a cheat and that he is with me with the intention of being with us for the long haul is more important than a piece of paper by far. We talk about the future, buying property, when the kids are grown, and he says he'll be around to change my diapers, lol.

 

I don't really believe he'll up and leave us if I were to have this baby. He didn't the first time and things were a LOT more rocky between us then. I think this is his way of stressing how much he doesn't want another child, and how he probably feels trapped in his own life with little to no say on what actually happens. And, honestly, if I decide to go forward with it and he really can't deal, well, that's on him. I love him and I love us, but I can't force him to stay for any reason. If we're truly in this for the long haul, we're going to face other serious issues besides this and if he leaves then I'll just know that he wasn't as committed as he said or as I've believed. If you really love someone and want to live your life with them, you don't leave them over something like this, IMO.

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Yes, that's the guy. He didn't acknowledge my birthday this year. He did get me some things for Christmas. Our Yosemite trip was arranged by me but was supposed to be my birthday present. I told him in lieu of buying me belated presents right around Christmas time (my birthday is on December 11th) that I'd rather get a room and have some time away. We ended up splitting the costs 50/50, but I enjoyed the trip. Up until the last 45 minutes of the ride home, that is.

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Did I read that wrong,or did you say he told you to shut up in front of your son?

 

That's not acceptable.

 

I'm going to say something to you, and you may not take it well, but please, give it some consideration.

 

This man is the major role model in your son's life. If he thinks that calling woman rude names ( I don't even like to write it out) , telling you to shut up etc. is okay, then that is what your son will pickup. it's not going to matter if he hears you telling him to stop.

 

I really think you need to sit him down and tell him that there re issues in how he acts around your son and his and your child, When you and he decided to move in together, that meant he agreed to take on a certain level of responsibility, and that includes being a good role model for your son. Part of that is behaving like a mature adult and showing you respect. Right now, he's not doing that.

 

Quite frankly, he sound abusive. Again, he is modeling to your son how men should treat women, speak about others, take responsibility. Do you feel he is a good role model?

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Did I read that wrong,or did you say he told you to shut up in front of your son?

 

That's not acceptable.

 

I'm going to say something to you, and you may not take it well, but please, give it some consideration.

 

This man is the major role model in your son's life. If he thinks that calling woman rude names ( I don't even like to write it out) , telling you to shut up etc. is okay, then that is what your son will pickup. it's not going to matter if he hears you telling him to stop.

 

I really think you need to sit him down and tell him that there re issues in how he acts around your son and his and your child, When you and he decided to move in together, that meant he agreed to take on a certain level of responsibility, and that includes being a good role model for your son. Part of that is behaving like a mature adult and showing you respect. Right now, he's not doing that.

 

Quite frankly, he sound abusive. Again, he is modeling to your son how men should treat women, speak about others, take responsibility. Do you feel he is a good role model?

 

agreed.

 

OP it doesn't matter how much you try to backtrack to defend this guy. It doesn't matter if he's sweet to you most of the time and you have great sex with him. That doesn't change the fact that he is hurting your son and nobody here is going to tell you that since he's usually decent to you it's okay to overlook how he treats your child.

 

Your son may seem mostly happy but trust me, he is internalizing the way your SO treats him. He wants to look up to him and have a father/son relationship with him but deep down he knows this man doesn't really even care about him. Your son is only 8 and doesn't yet have the insight into his feelings and he certainly cannot articulate his feelings but the pain he is burying now will manifest later on. I feel so sad so for him. I think it would be better to have no father at all, rather than stepfather who is aloof and unfeeling.

 

Furthermore, as the above poster stated, he is setting a terrible example for your children. Acting like a child himself, hiding his spending habits and swearing at you. He doesn't cheat. That reminds me of a guy I used to date. I wanted more emotional intimacy and more attachment then he was willing to offer. Whenever I would try to explain my feelings and my needs to him he would point out that he didn't cheat or beat me so what the hell do I have to complain about....lol. I left him. Maybe you don't think you deserve better but your kids certainly deserve better. The fact that he doesn't cheat on you isn't going to undo the damage he is causing them.

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Except it's a catch-22 dilemma from the get go. If he told her so, he would be a terrible person anyway. Doubly so if their relationship ever ended because now she would never be able to have children with someone else.

 

Not a catch 22. He knew she got pregnant on birth control the first time so they should have been using back birth control this time. The pill AND a barrier method and since this guy knew the risk and knew that he didn't want another kid then he should have been the one to take responsibility for the backup birth control as in he should have worn a condom.

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I'm sorry to say, that I agree with the previous posters.

 

Your boyfriend needs only to tell you shut up or call you names once in front of your son for him to learn that a man can treat a woman that way...

 

He needs only to call your child a name once, for your child to internalize that this male "father figure" has disrespected him and put him down.

 

If you decide to stay, your boyfriend needs to know that this kind of behavior is absolutely unacceptable in your home.

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Not a catch 22. He knew she got pregnant on birth control the first time so they should have been using back birth control this time. The pill AND a barrier method and since this guy knew the risk and knew that he didn't want another kid then he should have been the one to take responsibility for the backup birth control as in he should have worn a condom.

 

Oh, but I can imagine that he didn't want to wear a condom. ;) Which is why, considering that he chose not to have a vasectomy or use a back-up method of birth control, he should be prepared to accept the responsibility for this unplanned pregnancy. If he didn't want another baby, he should have taken more responsibility for birth control.

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You're mismatched with this guy. Your goals don't align.

 

How many more years do you plan to waste on him.

 

He was right about one thing - he doesn't want kids and he's not parent material.

 

 

If you want that baby then have it - he really gets no say.

 

But end it with him knowing this is who he is. File for child support.

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