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husband owes me money...


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Hi, i have been married 3 years... before marriage I made a loan to my then boyfriend, for a very large amount of money... with promisary note and legal documents signed...

 

He was selling his real estate from previous marriage, and i was suppose to be paid back 6 months later... he sold his home, but didnt get what he expected... Fast forward.... I ask serveral times a year for a payback plan, its now to a point where i feel very angry and resentment...

 

I have again, clearly stated he needs to start paying back... he is now saying that i am wrong for asking... and that our marriage because of me asking is not as strong, and we are now talking divorce... what to do? I worked avout 8 years to save that much... he rather pretend the loan is not there...

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this is my husband... there is nothing else... its a loan from a few years ago... i am asking for a payment plan... he feels he should not have to pay back since we are married...

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they are separate...I know he is hurting financially, but i felt my loan was just shoved to the side... I am now requesting a payment plan, giving him a few years to pay back... he throws in my face that i shouldnt be asking, and says our marriage is not strong, because i am demanding he start paying, hence maybe we should file for a divorce... i am a bit shocked ... since divorce was not what i wanted... but yes we are seperate finances, and pay household bills together. I do want my money back. it took years to save. its been a sore subject in our marriage when i do bring it up...Is it to much to ask for a payment plan?

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To be honest, it's kind of hard for me to advise, because I'm the kind who would have all joint accounts and each person's financial status becomes combined into one. So, I'm kind of guessing what I'd do.

 

Thing is, you can ask for a payment plan and there's no reason you shouldn't. But if he doesn't have the money or will to pay you, the only option would be to sue him. And suing your husband would most certainly land you in divorce courts.

 

To be honest, I don't see you getting your money unless you divorce and the payback comes from his settlement. If you've got no joint assets and he's got no money, he might go bankrupt and you'd lose everything anyway.

 

Best bet is to see a lawyer.

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Hi, i have been married 3 years... before marriage I made a loan to my then boyfriend, for a very large amount of money... with promisary note and legal documents signed... he was selling his real estate from previous marriage, and i was suppose to be paid back 6 months later... he sold his home, but didnt get what he expected... Fast forward.... I ask serveral times a year for a payback plan, its now to a point where i feel very angry and resentment... I have again, clearly stated he needs to start paying back... he is now saying that i am wrong for asking... and that our marriage because of me asking is not as strong, and we are now talking divorce... what to do? I worked avout 8 years to save that much... he rather pretend the loan is not there...

 

May I ask why your finances aren't as one?

 

Anyway this is going to ruin your marriage. He has no intention of paying you back Mino. He believes he shouldn't because now you two are married... He is blaming you for disrupting things and honestly if this ends in divorce then it means he is not an honest or upstanding person who pays back loans. Regardless of who it is.

 

Fact that he is throwing divorce around without even talking or making a plan to work this out with you is alarming and could mean he's looking for an out.

 

The thing is, you'll get that money in the divorce he just doesn't realize that. (that is if things end between you two.)

 

Other than this, are you happy in your marriage? I remember your story.

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Hi Folks,, I guess money and Romance do not mix. By giving her then BF(now husband) a loan, the OP has put herself in a very precarious position. It's something that is going to sour their relationship very badly. I do not know how strong or good their relationship is, but with her husband already threatening divorce I think it bodes ill for this relationship. Why not try MC to sort out their differences and have a professional weigh in on the ethics of the whole thing? Just a thought. Warm wishes.

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How are bills and expenses in the marriage handled now?

 

Does someone pay the mortgage, someone else the electrical bill, car payments, groceries, etc?

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Now we know why he is divorced at least one time already.

If you have no kids with him then when he mentions divorce

tell do it. If he does not then you should file.

 

Wisdom:

 

Never loan money to a friend or family if you cannot afford to

never get paid back. Because this is what happens too often.

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I suggest MC. If he was only still your BF I would see your point about insisting on repayment. As your husband, I'm not sure the point is as strong. Assuming he paid you back, wouldn't that money he was using to repay you simply make less cash available to your household for expenses? plus once you got the money what would you do with it? If you would set it aside for your use only, I think your husband is right that your marriage is in trouble. If you would use the money for both of you, what difference does it make?

 

I'm also not sure why the issue wasn't addressed before you tied the knot.

 

You need to think long & hard about what you value you more -- the money or your marriage.

 

You should also speak to a lawyer about whether you would be able to collect this debt years from now, long past the statute of limitations in the even of a future divorce. Perhaps there is some type of an antenuptial agreement you two could enter into where you would hush about the repayment now but be assured of repayment in the event of a future divorce.

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This is interesting. What is more important to you right now, the money or your marriage.

 

Instead of looking at what's right(him paying you back), look at what is realistic.

 

why cant you set up a basic money market account with your bank or online. Then, set it up so with every direct deposit, a small amout of money goes directly into it. from his check. because it happens automatically, he wont miss it and he is slowly paying you back. I'm talking 50 bucks or something

 

he doesn't have to hand you money, write you a check, it just happens.

 

you just have to live with a small amount each check. could take forever but your married. if you get divorced, its tracked, and you can sue him for the balance

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To me it would matter what type of state you live in and how they cover premarital assets in divorce.

The legal side... I guess rather than the moral side

 

If you live in a state that premarital assets are not considered as marital property then he should still pay you back as the asset is yours and will always be yours.

 

If you live in a state that doesn't delineate between premarital assets and marital assets then it doesn't matter as when he married you it became a marital asset/debt and as such it became both of yours and it just doesn't matter..

 

Of course as a matter of being good to his word it seems he isn't... he should have paid you back in full and I can see why it would create resentment.

 

As far as getting him to be good to his word.. I don't know how you do that.. you can't very well take him to court..

 

Maybe you can have a knock out drag out and get him to see your side...

 

Good Luck

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the reason we didnt mingle our finances, is because we are over 50, and he had no assets, and i had a lot. we did a prenup, we do pay our monthly expenses together. I did offer him a payment plan, over a few years to pay back. He was in a bad position, lost job, so hence why i made the loan. Besides the money, our marriage was fine, ups and downs like every other...I don't want a divorce... I do love my husband, I just want my money back that i lent him... I do have this amount in the prenup....

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the reason we didnt mingle our finances, is because we are over 50, and he had no assets, and i had a lot. we did a prenup, we do pay our monthly expenses together. I did offer him a payment plan, over a few years to pay back. He was in a bad position, lost job, so hence why i made the loan. Besides the money, our marriage was fine, ups and downs like every other...I don't want a divorce... I do love my husband, I just want my money back that i lent him... I do have this amount in the prenup....

 

Consult a lawyer, and try marriage counselling. Good luck.

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If the amount is in the prenup, then you are protected.

 

Right now when you repeatedly ask for him to repay you, he probably feels emasculated, like you are kicking him when he's down.

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xenawarriorprincess

This might be the wrong question to ask, but why did you get married before he paid the loan back?

 

It would seem to me that him not being willing to pay his debt would be a huge indicator of what type of marriage partner he would be and this whole mess could have been avoided, or at least less complicated had you not married before his debt was paid.

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I think it's good you have a prenup and a formal contract of your loan, so your finance will be protected in case of a divorce. But I don't think it's practical for you to insist on his paying back when it sounds like he's living paycheck to paycheck? It doesn't sound like he'a hiding his money or soending on some unnecessary luxury stuff.

 

A possible solution is for you to be responsible for a higher percentage of your joint expenses (it's normal for couples to split their bills according to their financial status), and then your husband can use the extra money to make a payment plan. This solution shows why it doesn't make sense to say your spouse owes you money.

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If you have a prenup, why is this a question? Just divorce him and bring the agreements to the judge. You'll get your money back.

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the reason we didnt mingle our finances, is because we are over 50, and he had no assets, and i had a lot. we did a prenup, we do pay our monthly expenses together. I did offer him a payment plan, over a few years to pay back. He was in a bad position, lost job, so hence why i made the loan. Besides the money, our marriage was fine, ups and downs like every other...I don't want a divorce... I do love my husband, I just want my money back that i lent him... I do have this amount in the prenup....

 

I am of the opinion that prenups often cause people to divorce because it's clear that money is so heavily on one persons mind. You bring to yourself exactly what you fear. The other person gets tired of it.

 

Personally, I think he should divorce you and become self-sufficient. I'd be willing to bet a judge will make him pay back the loan but probably at a lower payment plan that you'd want.

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the reason we didnt mingle our finances, is because we are over 50, and he had no assets, and i had a lot. we did a prenup, we do pay our monthly expenses together. I did offer him a payment plan, over a few years to pay back. He was in a bad position, lost job, so hence why i made the loan. Besides the money, our marriage was fine, ups and downs like every other...I don't want a divorce... I do love my husband, I just want my money back that i lent him... I do have this amount in the prenup....

 

 

If you are covering ANY of his bills or expenses - you could stop and let him cover all of his bills or start pulling back on picking up things maybe. Just to make up for it ?

 

Not to get nosy - but how much we talking here? (I mean we are all anonymous here)

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devilish innocent

To me, I think it would matter as to why he hasn't be able to pay you back. If he's simply being irresponsible with his money while you continue to be frugal with yours, I could understand why you would be resentful. On the other hand, if he's now as frugal as you are, if he works as many hours as you do to bring in what money he can, or he picks up more of the housework to support you working longer hours, then maybe you are the one who needs to let this go. Marriage should be an equal partnership.

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To me, I think it would matter as to why he hasn't be able to pay you back. If he's simply being irresponsible with his money while you continue to be frugal with yours, I could understand why you would be resentful. On the other hand, if he's now as frugal as you are, if he works as many hours as you do to bring in what money he can, or he picks up more of the housework to support you working longer hours, then maybe you are the one who needs to let this go. Marriage should be an equal partnership.

 

interesting!

 

Now this makes some sense. lets get to the bottom of it

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wow... thanks peeps... so many people said divorce... I am a bit appalled... shocked so many cold hearted people out there... There is one issue in my marriage...and its an issue that was swept under the rug, which i brought up again... thanks for the few people who actually had some input that was usable... the rest of you ... I dont know what to say... Bottom line ... he is paying it back over time.. I sat down and had a conversation yesterday... I never wanted a divorce , I love my husband... and this was a cloud hanging over us... so I am done with this thread, and ever asking advice from strangers... cause many of you are just mean...smh

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I am of the opinion that prenups often cause people to divorce because it's clear that money is so heavily on one persons mind. You bring to yourself exactly what you fear. The other person gets tired of it.

 

 

I disagree. Getting our prenup was the most effective pre-marital thing DH & I did. Gathering all the info needed to craft the document with full disclosure was an exercise in trust & transparency. He knew my assets. I knew his debts. (Hence the need for the prenup) We were forced to talk about a lot of issues, many of them difficult. The required disclosures made it so much easier to talk about other stuff.

 

 

I always say marriage is about love but divorce is about money. We went into this looking to take some of the emotional pain -- which often leads to high legal fees -- out of the equation.

 

 

But honestly, talking about all this stuff in advance, learning to negotiate, and learning to compromise, was one of the most beneficial things we ever did. I think it made our relationship stronger.

 

 

Mino -- most people's default is to break up. Especially on a message board we only get part of the story. People don't want to work at relationships any more. They think marriage is disposable. Money is one of the main reasons people do get divorced. If you are saying this is only a single issue & that you can get past it, even if it irks you, then I think eventually you & your husband will be OK. You have a safety net, the pre-nup. Tread lightly but don't give up. Eventually I think you will get your money back.

 

 

To the extent I was one of the people who made it seem hopeless, I'm sorry but when I initially read your post, it seemed that the money was the most important thing. Forgive me if I upset you. Best wishes working through this.

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