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Lack of physical attraction is ruining our relationship


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I have married a few months ago a woman that I love but to whom I feel now not very much physical attraction. I know I probably shouldn’t have married her but I’m almost 40 (and so is she), I’ve been alone for all of my life before meeting her (she’s my first serious relationship), and I thought that having someone in my life was a good thing. And in fact it is, because since I’m with her my life has dramatically improved.

 

These last four years with her have been the happiest of my life. I feel so lucky and blessed to have met her. Nonetheless, unfortunately I can’t find her very physically attractive. It hurts me saying so, because she’s a beautiful person, I love her, and I think that everything else is fine and we get along quite well. There are more important things that external beauty, especially at our age. We aren’t young anymore, and looks will very soon fade away in any case.

 

The problem is that she is constantly worried that I don’t like her, and she keeps me asking if I find her attractive. We sometimes have arguments triggered by my apparent lack of appreciation for her looks, and I don’t want this to happen, so I try to be as much appreciative as I can, but I know I’m at least partially lying. She often complains that she doesn’t feel desired by me, and this us hurting her and our relationship as well.

 

I cannot be honest with her, but I think our relationship should focus on something else. We are two affine souls, at least it’s what I can say from my very little experience in terms of relationships. We shouldn’t be focusing too much on the external attraction, but she seems to care so much about that.

 

It’s a difficult situation and I don’t know how to work things out.

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Oh boy.

 

You know... one thing I have learned, through the ups and downs of my 16 year relationship, is how vital it is to make your partner feel DESIRED.

 

To me, without desire, without an underlying current of lust, then you are just good friends and roommates.

 

Desire is the spark to the flame. Desire makes us feel valued, special and wanted by our partner. Sure, sometimes I may not look at my husband and think he is Adonis, but I am still attracted to him, and I try my best to let him know that.

 

Its amazing how showing desire can boost your partner's self esteem and ignite a passionate flame.

 

So.... I kinda agree with her. A lack of desire can really kill a romantic relationship. It can affect her feelings of self worth. If she isn't attractive to her husband, who will she be attractive to?

 

Unfortunately it sounds like you "settled". Did you feign attraction to her at the beginning? How is your sex life?

 

And I may get flamed for this.... but I will say, a woman who is not desired by her husband will be more vulnerable to an affair. If some man starts showing her the desire that you can not... it can become an alluring drug.

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BarbedFenceRider

Bullsh-t! You DO find her attractive. You just stated she was beautiful and you love her. You are projecting societal values onto this statement. Even though inside you do understand that is is empty and vacuous.

 

Try this out with me. "Honey, I love you." " You are very attractive." "You are my everything" "I am so happy".

 

 

And as for your head getting screwed on straight...When you are intimate with each other. Find 1 thing everytime that you enjoy with your wife. ie: her hair..how it smells, the way it moves when she brushes it out of her face.

 

That type of stuff. You will see in no time you were just sadly mistaken and you will owe me a beer. !:cool:

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Happy Lemming

What about a wardrobe change?? Does she make an effort to be attractive for you??

 

The only reason I ask is... I was briefly dating this woman who always wore old baggy nasty jeans and a T-shirt, very little makeup; it didn't appear she made any effort to get ready for the date. She actually looked kind of masculine, almost. I felt like I was dating my brother.

 

The next person I went out with took the time to dress up, she's put on a cute dress, nice heels, did her makeup & hair. She really made an effort, even if it was just a quick lunch date.

 

I appreciate it when a woman takes extra effort to look nice for me.

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lucy_in_disguise

How is the sex? Do you enjoy it? Is she satisfied with the frequency/ your performance?

 

Imo if the attraction issue is impacting your sex life significantly, your marriage is screwed. You obviously had reasons for marrying her, but just because your lack of attraction outweighs being alone for you, doesn't mean the situation is fair to her. You will not be able to convince her not to care about this aspect anymore, because, for most people, it is extremely important, no matter your ages. (And 40 is not that old...)

 

On the other hand, if your sex life is great, I would question what you mean by lack of attraction. Maybe it's time to reframe what that means to you, and figure out what you can do to make her feel desired.

 

So, what exactly do you mean by lack of attraction? And what about her is not doing it for you?

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I have married a few months ago a woman that I love but to whom I feel now not very much physical attraction. I know I probably shouldn’t have married her but I’m almost 40 (and so is she), I’ve been alone for all of my life before meeting her (she’s my first serious relationship), and I thought that having someone in my life was a good thing. And in fact it is, because since I’m with her my life has dramatically improved. These last four years with her have been the happiest of my life. I feel so lucky and blessed to have met her. Nonetheless, unfortunately I can’t find her very physically attractive. It hurts me saying so, because she’s a beautiful person, I love her, and I think that everything else is fine and we get along quite well. There are more important things that external beauty, especially at our age. We aren’t young anymore, and looks will very soon fade away in any case.

The problem is that she is constantly worried that I don’t like her, and she keeps me asking if I find her attractive. We sometimes have arguments triggered by my apparent lack of appreciation for her looks, and I don’t want this to happen, so I try to be as much appreciative as I can, but I know I’m at least partially lying. She often complains that she doesn’t feel desired by me, and this us hurting her and our relationship as well.

I cannot be honest with her, but I think our relationship should focus on something else. We are two affine souls, at least it’s what I can say from my very little experience in terms of relationships. We shouldn’t be focusing too much on the external attraction, but she seems to care so much about that.

It’s a difficult situation and I don’t know how to work things out.

 

You married a woman for compatibility that you have no desire to f**k.

 

This is on you, lazlo. You convinced this woman that you love her for life without telling her first that sex was off the table. Bad move.

 

What will you do now that your wife believes you are attracted to her, yet you are not? Both almost forty = in good health, at least some decades of at least moderate sexual activity.

 

You have dug a ditch, op, that's for sure. What can you do? Communicate as a married couple, be honest. That's going to be difficult. Tell her the truth that you are more attracted to her personality than her physical appearance.

 

Question lazlo...if you don't want sex from your wife, where were you thinking about having it?

 

Annulment is possible.

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Physical attraction is vital for a relationship to succeed.

I don't care if anyone thinks that I'm shallow because it's the truth.

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It seems quite clear that she is very aware that you are not attracted to her and that is why she is desperately seeking reassurance.

 

For a woman not to feel beautiful, desired, and appreciated by her man is a very lonely and sad place to be.

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Welcome to LS....

 

It appears lack of relationship experience reared its head in reconciling a really 'beautiful' person (who she is as a human being) with a sexually attractive person (flips the old gonad switch in you). The experience part comes in recognizing the difference and making different choices in whom you pursue romantically. If your sexual attraction flowed from her being a beautiful person, no problem and no discussion and happy marriage. It apparently doesn't. That's how it is for some guys and, by your age, who you are is pretty well established. You're not going to change.

 

Since you're married and have apparently known each other four years though only being married a short time, I'd give MC (marriage counseling) a try to assess whether you've got the stuff to integrate your love for her as a person into that buzz in the balls sexual desire. If not, call it a good try, get it annulled and move on. Definitely don't *let* her love you and desire you where there is no authentic and healthy reciprocation. That's just cruel to her.

 

Good luck!

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OK, so she is aware that you don't feel attraction towards her. Which part of the relationship is lacking? Is it sex? Verbal affection? Hugs and kisses?

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Thanks for the answers.

 

I think our sex life is pretty good. No complaints on that side, we both enjoy it, at least a couple of times a week. I might not be the greatest lover, certainly I am not, but I think she is satisfied with it, and so am I. Sex is not an issue, at least so far.

What she misses is the verbal appreciation for her looks, and all those small gestures that people do they are attracted by someone. She feels that, sex apart, I am a bit cold, not so affectionate with her in everyday’s life.

I’ve been trying to understand the reason why I can’t find her very attractive, and it’s not easy, but I think is mostly related to her face which isn’t harmonious from an aesthetically point of view. It’s difficult to explain, If I could show you a picture of her you would probably understand better. Basically, I can’t look at her and thinking that she’s “pretty” or “beautiful”, and this probably this unconsciously leads me to be a bit cold. As I said, this so far isn’t affecting our sex life, since when we go into intimacy, these lack of beauty it’s not so important.

 

I probably have “settled”. Well, this is a long story and it should require a very long post or better many therapy sessions. To summarise very roughly, I’ve been alone until the age of 34, which is long a time if you think about it. All the “pretty” girls to whom I have been attracted in my life (that have been very few because of my lack of any social skills making meeting new girls very hard for me), never even considered me. I just had a kind of relationship once with a girl but only lasted for a few months due to lack of interest by both parts. When I met this woman who was very interested in me, I thought that she wasn’t particularly pretty but she was interesting in many ways, an I thought to give it a try. Then I got someway addicted by her presence in my life, who I enjoyed very much, and I couldn’t let her go. And so after four years here am I, married to her. And as I’ve already said, these years have been the happiest of my life.

Of course my subconscious still longs for those pretty girls that I had desired in my youth and could never had. I see them every day, on the train, in the streets. My wife is not one of them and this is probably the reason why I’m a bit cold with her. I would like to change things and I am trying but it’s not easy.

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CautiouslyOptimistic
As I said, this so far isn’t affecting our sex life, since when we go into intimacy, these lack of beauty it’s not so important.

 

It's probably going to eventually be a problem :(. For her :(. When a woman doesn't feel beautiful, her libido takes a big hit.

 

This is a sad situation for both of you.

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When I met this woman who was very interested in me, I thought that she wasn’t particularly pretty but she was interesting in many ways, an I thought to give it a try. Then I got someway addicted by her presence in my life, who I enjoyed very much, and I couldn’t let her go.

 

Sounds like the two of you would make great friends, unfortunately different roles than spouses. And while I've seen marriages work on less, the attraction you're missing is often the glue that holds you together when times get tough.

 

It's a little bit like the instinctive love you feel for your kids. Absent that, who in their right mind would put up with teenagers :confused: ???

 

Mr. Lucky

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CautiouslyOptimistic
Sounds like the two of you would make great friends, unfortunately different roles than spouses. And while I've seen marriages work on less, the attraction you're missing is often the glue that holds you together when times get tough.

 

It's a little bit like the instinctive love you feel for your kids. Absent that, who in their right mind would put up with teenagers :confused: ???

Mr. Lucky

 

Haha! I'm finding the teenage years quite delightful. It was my son's toddlerhood that almost did me in! Thank God he was so cute.

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Lazlo...tough s***. That is a real weak reason to stop loving your wife and wanting to abandon your marriage. What if something serious happened like she got burned, or mouth cancer, or whatever.....remember the in sickness and health part?

You swore an oath in front of God, friends, and family. Honor it.

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So you married your best friend, that's great, everyone should. That you compare her to prettier girls you could never get is the problem. Wanting a paper bag for your spouse is a problem. We do not need a picture of your wife to understand your dilemma, you have thoroughly humiliated her enough.

 

Ok, if you want to continue the marriage...marriage counseling as Carhill suggested, is a good idea.

I would assume that the reason you posted is because after marriage, your wife has 'different' expectations than the prior four years of your relationship? That's on her, actually....two people made this choice.

 

You will need to be honest, finally. There isn't a genie to change anything and after four years and the I do's, she is noticing your lack attraction to her. Have you changed or did she?

 

When you are honest, annulment is an option.

 

If you decide to continue to fake it because you don't want to lose your best friend...I have no advice. I think you lost your best friend when you married her.

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If your sex life is considered good by the both of you, there has to be something there attraction-wise. To get your answer, I think you are going to have to dig deeper and figure out exactly how/why being with someone better looking would be more satisfying. Would it be validation of your worth after having such a long unsuccessful track record with women? Do you associate better looking women with more openness, uninhibitness, etc.? Is there some specific aspect or type of love-language in a relationship that you think only someone better looking can fulfill?

 

I understand where you are coming from and have had a long time to think about these kinds of issues - my wife was the first woman I met who was more interested in me than I was in her. But after a miserable singlehood of struggling to get dates/relationships - and even when I did, the women always monkeybranched to other guys - I figured it was worth seeing where things would go as we were (and are) great together from a compatibility standpoint. Then, before you know it, you have the marriage, family, and the whole picket-fence nine yards.

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Consider yourself lucky that you aren't posting about your wife's affair. There is

Plethora of WW posts admitting that they fell for the attention and

compliments showered on them by the guy who became the OM. Read the

Posts in that section and you will see that I am not exaggerating this

Point.

 

Compliments cost you nothing. Just try and see what happens

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Hi Laszlo, sorry you are facing a dilemma like this. I have to ask you a few questions if you don't mind. Before you met your wife did you have any LTR/s with any other women? During your High School days did you have any puppy love type of relationship with a girl/s or were you the joker of the lot? How do you rate your own looks? Are you the Tarzan type alpha male spewing male pheromones or the Beta type shy guy? Are you a nerdy type of guy? Also, did your wife have any LTRs before you? Was she ever married before? On the sexual front how experienced were the two of you before you started dating? If she had any LTRs what reason did she give for her breakups? Is she also the retiring, nerdy kind of person or is she more sociable and outgoing? Why did you decide to marry her after four years instead of continuing with a FWB relationship? You do not have to answer any of these questions but it would be helpful if you did.

 

Coming to a solution to your present problem, I would say that you have been given a lot of good advice/ opinions by folks on here which should be helpful. I have a simple suggestion to make. It is that if you really want to make this work and not have to annul or divorce, you should 'Fake it till you make it'. This approach has worked in the workplace for innumerable people and there is no reason it should not work for you. Pretend your wife is beautiful and attractive and pay her compliments and show other signs of affection till it becomes ingrained in your psyche and you truly start appreciating her true inner beauty every time you gaze on her. As they say ' Beauty lies in the eye of the beholder'! You can make her beautiful if that is what you truly want. Try it. Warm wishes.

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todreaminblue

i think this is a really sad place to be for both of you..... you have to lie....and she wants to believe the lie.....you have satisfying sex ....if you told her the truth on how you feel no attraction for her...the sex would change....

 

as other posters have said find what you do love...amplify her qualities that shine to you ......what attracted you to her in the first place.....you are right it shouldnt just be external .......it needs to be from the inside out....

 

 

why do you have sex if you feel no desire for her? just going through the motions?

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xenawarriorprincess

Is there anything that you find attractive about your wife? Does she have pretty hair, or nice eyes? Does she wear nice clothing or smell nice? Find something that you find attractive about her, even if you aren’t overall attracted to her, there’s gotta be something that you enjoy looking at. Does she smile pretty or have smooth skin? Find something, and when your wife asks you if you find her attractive, gush about how great her “Whatever” is and how much you love it! You won’t be lying and she will feel pretty and you will feel good about making her feel attractive.

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todreaminblue
Is there anything that you find attractive about your wife? Does she have pretty hair, or nice eyes? Does she wear nice clothing or smell nice? Find something that you find attractive about her, even if you aren’t overall attracted to her, there’s gotta be something that you enjoy looking at. Does she smile pretty or have smooth skin? Find something, and when your wife asks you if you find her attractive, gush about how great her “Whatever” is and how much you love it! You won’t be lying and she will feel pretty and you will feel good about making her feel attractive.

 

 

there is beauty in everyone you are right......deb

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Lazlo, a word about the "pretty girls you never had" - all that glitters is not gold. What I mean by this is that all's not what it seems from the outside. Let go of the idea that attractive people lead happier, more exciting lives, because that's not true. Life is what you make of it.

 

Social skills can be improved greatly by reading books, or articles online, and socialising as much as possible for practice. Practice makes perfect. Your workplace is a great place to start. Start engaging colleagues in conversation and take an interest in their lives and views. Ask about their weekend. Someone with good social skills isn't the loudest person in the room - it's the person who makes others feel comfortable and valued. 40 isn't too young to learn at all.

 

Whatever you do, DON'T tell your wife in any way that you don't find her attractive. This will have lasting negative effects on her self esteem.

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how vital it is to make your partner feel DESIRED. To me, without desire, without an underlying current of lust, then you are just good friends and roommates.

 

Totally agree. I like the way you put that, "an underlying current of lust." Very true. Remove that, and as you point out, it's just a good friend or roommate. :confused:

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