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Tired of partner's attention seeking ways.


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My partner, roughly a decade my senior, is a kind, good natured man who is deeply committed to our relationship. However, he has a behavioural trait which has constantly on some level been a source of unhappiness for me. He, by his own description, is an extrovert who loves to connect with people. If we're with people he doesn't know well, he likes to ham up the charisma and become the life of the party. He's a little more relaxed in the company of people we know well. This itself does not bother me at all, and I'm happy that he enjoys himself when we're socialising (provided that he doesn't overtly talk over me or ignore me, which he has done in the past, and I have pulled him up on.)

 

What bothers me however, is when this behaviour extends to females who are strangers, such as bartenders, waitresses and hotel receptionists. Half the time when we're out together at restaurants, bars, etc, if he's not being outright charming and chatty to them (yes, even highly flirtatious on a few occasions), he will try to be extra loud and funny when they walk past, then outright turn to look at them to see if they noticed. I don't mind so much if he behaves in such a manner when I'm not around, but when I'm present, and am clearly his partner, then I feel embarrassed about how his behaviour reflects on me (although logically, it is he who is the one looking a little pathetic.)

 

I am aware that his behaviour is not intentional, and is not a reflection of how much he values me or our relationship. I feel he might derive a thrill, or high, from approval from strangers (especially female), which may be a reflection of his own self esteem levels. But at the same time, his behaviour with waitresses, receptionists etc bother me - to the point that I no longer look forward to outings with him alone, and that my feelings for him have changed.

 

I'm hesitant to talk to him about it as he will likely respond with the explanation that he is just an extrovert who loves to connect with people (which is not the issue! There are many extroverts out there who don't feel a need to constantly engage with strangers!)

 

I was wondering whether anyone out there who might have had any experience with an attention seeking partner can offer advice on whether this is something that can change as the partner matures and gains more self esteem with age?

 

Or should I just cut my losses with this relationship if this behaviour continues?

 

Many thanks.

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There are many extroverts out there who don't feel a need to constantly engage with strangers!) .

 

Don’t think that’s true. The true extroverts I know see a story in everyone, whether it’s waiting to be heard or told. My wife is much like your partner, but I’ve always seen it as a blessing - she does most of the conversational heavy lifting.

 

I’m curious as to how your relationship got this far? You seem to be two very different people...

 

Mr. Lucky

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NomiMalone,

 

Mr Lucky #2 asks a good question;

 

I’m curious as to how your relationship got this far? You seem to be two very different people...

 

How old are you both and how long has this behaviour of his been a problem to you?

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somanymistakes

It sounds like you don't like his personality.

 

You can talk to him about it, and it's only fair to bring it up with him before dumping him, but given that he's not that young (as I understand it) and this is probably a deep-rooted part of who he is, it's not very likely that he will undergo a drastic personality change. It does not sound like a thing he will 'grow out of' - surely you've met much older men who insist on joking for attention?

 

If he's definitely not a cheater, just a guy who likes to show off a little bit, you could also choose to try and work on your own sense of security so that you don't feel embarrassed by his behavior.

 

Or you could decide that you two are not compatible.

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BarbedFenceRider

I'm gonna put this one further and say that OP doesn't like her own personality. Being an extrovert itself is hardly a capital crime and she is wanting to nuke the relationship because of her own insecurities.

 

Maybe, OP can find out what makes her truly happy and what she doesn't like about herself before decapitating good partners with bubbly personalities.

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Thanks to all of you for taking the time to reply and shed light on my situation. I appreciate the insight very much and think I now have a much better understanding of my issue from a bird's eye perspective.

 

In view of your replies, I'm starting to think that it is ME with underlying insecurities that need to be looked into. I'd like to approach my issues at hand in a mature, adult way, with my ego put aside, and to use this as an opportunity for learning from experience, and to better myself.

 

To begin with, I need to clarify that I'm also an extrovert. Have worked in sales for the past decade, and before that, a promotions girl/hostess in nightclubs for many years. I'm also loud, bubbly and love meeting new people, connecting with them, and sharing conversation and stories. At the bar my colleagues and I go to frequently, there's a joke that the place gets louder when I'm there. I view extroversion as a positive trait in everyone.

 

The difference between my boyfriend and I is that when I'm out one on one with him, I focus solely on him and don't feel the need to make jokes to impress waiters etc.

In fact I think this would be off-putting to my boyfriend. He made it clear at the beginning of our relationship that he needed to feel secure in our relationship otherwise there was no point dating. I've always been very mindful of this.

 

My issue with my boyfriend's behaviour is that he tries to connect with/impress females (exclusively) when we're out together, and that alone is my problem, not the fact that he's an extrovert (which in itself is not the problem.) He does not do this with wait staff, receptionists etc who are male. I feel that his behaviour on a few occasions throughout the years have crossed the line. I hate the thought of women deriving a little ego boost at my expense. We (I guess unfortunately) from the outside look like the quintessential older man, younger woman pair, and I'm paranoid that people view me as a "gold digger". (Whilst in actual fact, we split our bills roughly 50-50 and my financial net worth is higher. None of this is an issue for me.)

 

My conclusion to this is that I think you guys are right in that it is ME with underlying insecurities that need to be delved into. I have anxious attachment disorder which I suspect stems from growing up in a home where my brother was a bully and parents being absent. It could well be possible that the issues at hand is extension of that.

 

I haven't addressed any of this with my boyfriend and I'm so glad this is the case - I'd hate to berate him for something that's not universally considered a negative thing.

 

Having said that, I'd like to feel 100% comfortable in a relationship.

Just because something isn't an issue for others doesn't mean the concern is any less valid or real for me.

 

So I guess the plan right now is for me to work on my own insecurities. Can anyone advise on how I can become more secure? I look forward to this challenge and to become a better person.

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NomiMalone,

 

Mr Lucky #2 asks a good question;

 

How old are you both and how long has this behaviour of his been a problem to you?

 

I'm in my early 30s. None of these issues were present in the first 1.5 years of our relationship. When we were out together, he always made me feel like the only woman in the world.

 

He also said he liked the way I made him feel good about himself, and that one of the reasons he chose me for a partner was that I'm not flirty with other men when I'm around him.

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somanymistakes

That kind of puts a different spin on it. If his actions have changed, and if he's intentionally told you that YOU need to be non-flirty while it's fine for HIM to be flirty, then yeah, I'd be a little suspicious too.

 

It doesn't mean he's actually doing anything bad. It does mean, though, that you need to be careful to evaluate things for what they are. Don't blow them up into more than they are, and don't minimise them into less than they are either. (Yeah, I know, easy to say, not so easy to do!)

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It sounds like you don't like his personality.

 

You can talk to him about it, and it's only fair to bring it up with him before dumping him, but given that he's not that young (as I understand it) and this is probably a deep-rooted part of who he is, it's not very likely that he will undergo a drastic personality change. It does not sound like a thing he will 'grow out of' - surely you've met much older men who insist on joking for attention?

 

If he's definitely not a cheater, just a guy who likes to show off a little bit, you could also choose to try and work on your own sense of security so that you don't feel embarrassed by his behavior.

 

Or you could decide that you two are not compatible.

 

Thanks somanymistakes.

 

It's not his personality that's bothering me. In fact, I think extroversion is a positive trait in everyone. What I don't like is that I think he feels a need to impress/flirt with female wait staff, hotel receptionists etc when the 2 of us are out. It's like it matters a great deal to him that they like him and think he's funny. He's not like that with male staff in the least. I don't feel that it's appropriate to act in a flirtatious way towards wait staff if the 2 of us are out having a meal. I don't mind however if he does it when out with other people, and I'm not present.

 

Other than that, he's a kind, affectionate man who values our relationship greatly.

 

I don't intend to talk to my boyfriend about this. What I'm more interested in is a prognosis for my relationship.

 

Yes, I do know what you mean by older men who make jokes for attention. Depending on context/situation, I have found some of that behaviour to be tacky.

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LivingWaterPlease

Nomi, I'm with you on this one. If I were dating a guy who behaved this way with strangers, women or men, has nothing to do with jealousy but more to do with good taste, I'd be uncomfortable with it.

 

The thing that would make me more uncomfortable than the fact he wasn't focusing on me would be that it's an invasion of a stranger's time and space to try to get their attention. To me, it makes a person look boorish.

 

If I were out and about and walked by a table in a restaurant where a couple I didn't know were seated and the guy made some remark and turned to me to see how I'd react I doubt I'd respond, probably would ignore as it would seem to me to be pushy.

 

Now, as far as being the life of the party, animated and engaging with others at a party, that would be ok with me, even with other women friends.

 

I've dated a guy who, after dating a couple of years, has gotten too engaged with waitresses, receptionists, etc., before and it began to get old. There were other problems that began to surface about the same time, too, so I broke up with him. Right after I did I learned he'd been having an affair for awhile while dating me.

 

I don't think the problem in this instance is yours at all.

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Somanymistakes,

 

I feel his behaviour change in this regard is largely to do with the fact that at 1.5 years, the honeymoon period was most definitely over, and he no longer felt a need to make efforts to impress me.

 

He hasn't expressly stated that I have to be non-flirty. His comment was more to do with his appreciation that I don't flirt/engage with attention-seeking type behaviour with men.

 

I'm just afraid that given we look like the older man, younger woman couple, some women might mistaken him for being financially wealthy (which neither he or I are!), and take his flirtatious behaviour as a green light to go ahead and make a move.

 

Ok... I am clearly the one who is insecure!

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LivingWaterPlease

Ok... I am clearly the one who is insecure!

 

Guess you were typing out your response when I was posting. No, I don't believe you're insecure. Seems to me you're aware of what is socially appropriate and what is not. Explained in my above post.

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My issue with my boyfriend's behaviour is that he tries to connect with/impress females (exclusively) when we're out together, and that alone is my problem, not the fact that he's an extrovert (which in itself is not the problem.) He does not do this with wait staff, receptionists etc who are male. I feel that his behaviour on a few occasions throughout the years have crossed the line. I hate the thought of women deriving a little ego boost at my expense. We (I guess unfortunately) from the outside look like the quintessential older man, younger woman pair, and I'm paranoid that people view me as a "gold digger". (Whilst in actual fact, we split our bills roughly 50-50 and my financial net worth is higher. None of this is an issue for me.)

 

Certainly a different vibe than you originally presented where his behavior seemed more over-the-top rather than inappropriately flirtatious.

 

Can you give an example of something he's said or done you're uncomfortable with?

 

Mr. Lucky

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I don't see any reason to wait on talking to him about this - that's called honest communication about how his behavior makes you feel.

 

No reason to "berate" him - I found it odd you used that word to describe what should be a simple conversation.

 

You need to let him know that you find his actions/words unacceptable. He can control this - and he should if he respects you. If he needs help with this concept you both should attend counseling.

 

 

How long have you dated? Has he ever been married/engaged? How did you meet?

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Somanymistakes,

 

I feel his behaviour change in this regard is largely to do with the fact that at 1.5 years, the honeymoon period was most definitely over, and he no longer felt a need to make efforts to impress me.

 

He hasn't expressly stated that I have to be non-flirty. His comment was more to do with his appreciation that I don't flirt/engage with attention-seeking type behaviour with men.

 

I'm just afraid that given we look like the older man, younger woman couple, some women might mistaken him for being financially wealthy (which neither he or I are!), and take his flirtatious behaviour as a green light to go ahead and make a move.

 

Ok... I am clearly the one who is insecure!

 

 

Uhmm, he is giving you reasons. Sorry but I see a grown man who loves seeking attention from females. Not males, just females. He has a huge ego and needs attention on him by other women in general. So it seems.

 

Bolded - So he wants you to stay away from men, especially ones like him (attention seeking, ego stroking)! True extroverts love being centre of attention by all, not just females. And, extroverts (most that I know) don't make their partners doubt themselves and feel insecure.

 

Time to think if he is the one for you. He isn't going to change and you shouldn't have to jump through hoops and put up with feeling ignored or neglected by him when you two are on a date.

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Uhmm, he is giving you reasons. Sorry but I see a grown man who loves seeking attention from females. Not males, just females. He has a huge ego and needs attention on him by other women in general. So it seems.

 

Bolded - So he wants you to stay away from men, especially ones like him (attention seeking, ego stroking)! True extroverts love being centre of attention by all, not just females. And, extroverts (most that I know) don't make their partners doubt themselves and feel insecure.

 

Time to think if he is the one for you. He isn't going to change and you shouldn't have to jump through hoops and put up with feeling ignored or neglected by him when you two are on a date.

 

I agree - but it's up to her to have a voice and express how it makes her feel.

 

I also made a mental note that this type of man will usually cheat - due to the need for validation from others.

 

Has he ever given you reason to wonder if he's cheated?

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It's not you with the problem it's him. He loves trying to impress women.

 

I'd be tempted to flirt or be outgoing with men. If he says anything...I'd say...you always do it yourself.... if he says he denies it ...say...I'll point out when you do it next.

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Hi Nomi, I have only one little piece of advice for you. 'What's good for the gander is good for the goose'!. If he can do it you can do it and given that you are also an extrovert it shouldn't be difficult at all. After that be prepared for the impending storm. Sometimes it may be worth wounding his ever needy ego just that little bit to remind him that what goes around comes around! Warm wishes.

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Nomi, I'm with you on this one. If I were dating a guy who behaved this way with strangers, women or men, has nothing to do with jealousy but more to do with good taste, I'd be uncomfortable with it.

 

The thing that would make me more uncomfortable than the fact he wasn't focusing on me would be that it's an invasion of a stranger's time and space to try to get their attention. To me, it makes a person look boorish.

 

If I were out and about and walked by a table in a restaurant where a couple I didn't know were seated and the guy made some remark and turned to me to see how I'd react I doubt I'd respond, probably would ignore as it would seem to me to be pushy.

 

Now, as far as being the life of the party, animated and engaging with others at a party, that would be ok with me, even with other women friends.

 

I've dated a guy who, after dating a couple of years, has gotten too engaged with waitresses, receptionists, etc., before and it began to get old. There were other problems that began to surface about the same time, too, so I broke up with him. Right after I did I learned he'd been having an affair for awhile while dating me.

 

I don't think the problem in this instance is yours at all.

 

LivingWaterPlease, I'm sorry to hear of your experience and I'm glad to hear you kicked the guy to the curb. You deserve much better!

 

Thank you for sharing your thoughts. Yes, those are my points exactly! It's common courtesy 101 to focus your attention on engaging with whoever you're dining out with. Me too I don't mind at all if my boyfriend is friendly/ enjoys a great banter with other women even if they were strangers! The key is knowing whether it's appropriate behaviour for a specific social situation. For example, my boyfriend went to a car racing event with a male friend and he told me they got chatting with a group of women. To me that was totally fine. They were all at the event to have fun, and he wasn't on a date with me. It made me happy to hear he had a great time at the car racing.

 

I certainly don't expect him to completely stop bantering and having fun with others who happen to be female just because he's in a relationship. I sure as hell still banter harmlessly and get to know my male colleagues, clients, strangers etc.

 

In general though, I take great care to show whoever I'm out having a meal with (boyfriend, family, my female friends), that my attention is focused on them.

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Certainly a different vibe than you originally presented where his behavior seemed more over-the-top rather than inappropriately flirtatious.

 

Can you give an example of something he's said or done you're uncomfortable with?

 

Mr. Lucky

 

An example where I found his behaviour to be inappropriate for the situation: on my birthday the year before last, he took me out to a restaurant for a romantic dinner. We were dressed up and it was clearly a date. Throughout the evening, I carried the conversation (when it's just the 2 of us, this is mainly the case), making sure he was enjoying himself.

 

We live in a country where tipping is not the norm, and hence interaction with wait staff is normally minimal.

 

There were plenty of wait staff there that night, but in the middle of the meal, he called a young, attractive waitress over to our table, because he wanted to offer a compliment about one of the dishes, and asked her if she knew the recipe. She was very polite about it, and the 2 of them chatted about the recipe for the dish. We were in the middle of our meal, so we stopped eating, our cutlery down, whilst he and she chatted.

 

Later when we had dessert, he called the same waitress over to our table again, to ask a question about the item he'd ordered. Once again, she was perfectly polite about it. Then he continued to chat to her about the last time he'd had the same dessert, when it was, and so forth. It was clear he'd turned the charm right up and was rather taken with her. I could tell she'd noticed it too (not that I blamed her at all!) His body language, tone of voice and attentiveness to her gave away that he found her attractive. It was this that bothered me the most, not the fact that he wanted to talk to her. Part of me wonders whether he used "the recipe" as an excuse to talk to her. He very rarely cooks!

 

Later he went to the front of the restaurant to get the bill for the meal. I was still sitting at the table, but I saw that he went to seek out the same waitress.

 

It came across that it was really important to him that he made a good impression on her.

 

I don't mind at all if he wants to engage with women when I'm not around (just because he's in a relationship doesn't mean he can't get to known any females), but I feel that this type of behaviour on a date night (and on my birthday) is insensitive. Context here is key.

 

Another example where I felt his behaviour was annoying - the 2 of us were eating at a fancy fast food joint. We were bantering about something humorous, when a young waitress walked past. I saw that he saw her, then immediately raised his voice as he continued to joke, and then checked to see whether she had noticed. The girl was young enough to be his daughter. At that point I actually felt embarrassed for him. This is not the first time this has happened in my presence.

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I feel I've caused confusion from my use of the word "extrovert".

 

I define an extrovert as someone who gains energy from social interactions, and an introvert as someone who finds social interactions tiring, and require time alone to recharge. Most people apparently fall somewhere in between on the continuum of extroversion and introversion. I learnt this in a lecture about psychology that was part of a unit I was studying at uni.

 

For example, in my own office, there's a girl in her 20s who stands out as the Chatty Cathy in her department. She inserts her opinion into every conversation around her, and loves to give relationship advice. She has many friends. But she seldom joins us at work drinks, saying she'd rather go home and watch Netflix. She's described herself as an introvert.

 

On the other hand, one of the managers in my area is a man in his 50s. He's friendly but not the life of the party. He's come along to almost every work function ever held. He's always smiling and looks completely at ease even though he hardly ever carries the conversation. He's always one of the last to leave. In my eyes, he's more of an extrovert because he enjoys social interaction.

 

Recently I ducked out for a quick lunch, one on one, with a male colleague from my department. He is as loud and cheery as they come and an outrageous flirt. So I expected flirty banter from him to the waitresses and was surprised that at the lunch, he focused his attention solely on me across the table, and his manner towards the waitstaff could only be described as "polite". Even if he HAD been flirty to staff, I wouldn't have really minded because he's not my boyfriend and doesn't really owe me the respect in that regard.

 

I had the last 2 examples in mind when I wrote in my original post that "there are many extroverts out there who don't feel a need to constantly engage with strangers!"

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I agree - but it's up to her to have a voice and express how it makes her feel.

 

I also made a mental note that this type of man will usually cheat - due to the need for validation from others.

 

Has he ever given you reason to wonder if he's cheated?

 

Thanks S2B. What you said makes complete sense, and that has vaguely crossed my mind too. However I've not in recent times had any reason to suspect cheating.

 

There was an incident where, roughly a year into our relationship, I found what looked like lipstick on our bed, and scratches on his chest. But that alone wasn't proof of cheating. That was the only time I ever had a reason to suspect anything, and ended up letting it go due to lack of proof.

 

In general, he's an affectionate, good natured man who treats me with great respect. We have a great home life and great chemistry, and he's made it clear he's very committed to our relationship.

 

I feel that his behaviour with women are more to do with a need for attention (and as some of you very correctly pointed out, a trait of extroversion), and is of no reflection of his feelings for me. His level of emotional intelligence is not high. I've noticed him displaying a lack of empathy to others (both males and females) in other situations, not out of malice, but out of cluelessness.

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There were plenty of wait staff there that night, but in the middle of the meal, he called a young, attractive waitress over to our table, because he wanted to offer a compliment about one of the dishes, and asked her if she knew the recipe. She was very polite about it, and the 2 of them chatted about the recipe for the dish. We were in the middle of our meal, so we stopped eating, our cutlery down, whilst he and she chatted.

 

Later when we had dessert, he called the same waitress over to our table again, to ask a question about the item he'd ordered. Once again, she was perfectly polite about it. Then he continued to chat to her about the last time he'd had the same dessert, when it was, and so forth. It was clear he'd turned the charm right up and was rather taken with her. I could tell she'd noticed it too (not that I blamed her at all!) His body language, tone of voice and attentiveness to her gave away that he found her attractive. It was this that bothered me the most, not the fact that he wanted to talk to her. Part of me wonders whether he used "the recipe" as an excuse to talk to her. He very rarely cooks!

 

Later he went to the front of the restaurant to get the bill for the meal. I was still sitting at the table, but I saw that he went to seek out the same waitress.

 

It came across that it was really important to him that he made a good impression on her.

 

I wonder if, since this all takes place in front of you, he thinks you're somehow impressed by his ability to get other women to pay attention to him? You used the word "clueless", and he does indeed seem ignorant of context and effect.

 

I don't see a lot of hope for change and I'm not sure why this only now has become so troubling for you. Sounds like his behavior has been consistent...

 

Mr. Lucky

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I feel I've caused confusion from my use of the word "extrovert".

 

I define an extrovert as someone who gains energy from social interactions, and an introvert as someone who finds social interactions tiring, and require time alone to recharge. Most people apparently fall somewhere in between on the continuum of extroversion and introversion. I learnt this in a lecture about psychology that was part of a unit I was studying at uni.

 

For example, in my own office, there's a girl in her 20s who stands out as the Chatty Cathy in her department. She inserts her opinion into every conversation around her, and loves to give relationship advice. She has many friends. But she seldom joins us at work drinks, saying she'd rather go home and watch Netflix. She's described herself as an introvert.

 

On the other hand, one of the managers in my area is a man in his 50s. He's friendly but not the life of the party. He's come along to almost every work function ever held. He's always smiling and looks completely at ease even though he hardly ever carries the conversation. He's always one of the last to leave. In my eyes, he's more of an extrovert because he enjoys social interaction.

 

Recently I ducked out for a quick lunch, one on one, with a male colleague from my department. He is as loud and cheery as they come and an outrageous flirt. So I expected flirty banter from him to the waitresses and was surprised that at the lunch, he focused his attention solely on me across the table, and his manner towards the waitstaff could only be described as "polite". Even if he HAD been flirty to staff, I wouldn't have really minded because he's not my boyfriend and doesn't really owe me the respect in that regard.

 

I had the last 2 examples in mind when I wrote in my original post that "there are many extroverts out there who don't feel a need to constantly engage with strangers!"

 

It has nothing to do with being an introvert or extrovert.

 

I think you are getting the description of an extrovert mixed up... what you're describing as an extrovert in your boyfriend should be described as being a blatant A hole who's disrespectful to you.

 

There's a difference - extrovert means outwardly social - that's not your boyfriends intent... he's obviously on the hunt for random waitresses and such that pay attention to him. He is a problem. Don't let him be your problem.

 

I've dated a long time - and was married a long time too, to a beautifully attractive man... any man seeking validation the way you're describing is a man looking for a woman to cheat with.

 

Openly flirting with that waitress and leaving YOUR table to pay his bill = he went to get her number! Stop being so blind.

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I completely understand and I would feel the same way if I was in your position. In fact I have been in your position. I was dating one man who was incredibly charming and hilarious, and females would often openly flirt with him in front of me. After 2 months I could not handle it and I left the relationship.

 

In another one, I already loved him. But he would become louder and more playful and funnier when girls were around. We used to work together and If there was a female coworker around us he would pay more attention to her than with me. It is an insecurity issue within us. We are jealous and insecure that he is trying to impress other women in front of us when he should be trying to impress us. And believe me if it was the other way around your boyfriend would flip out and put up a fight. I tested this and did the same thing that he did to me, And he was so upset that he would not talk to me for the rest of the day.

 

If your man acts this way particularly with other women it is because he is insecure and he is looking for attention and a self-esteem booster with these women. He wants the attention and admiration that he gets from you from other women as well, and although he may come off as the most confident man in the world believe me he is just as insecure as the rest of us.

If you have been dating him a while you need to verbalize this. He might not see it as a big deal and he might even say that you're acting crazy but he would despise it if you did the same thing.

 

Once you talk to him about this issue, if he does not stop then he does not have the same respect that you do for him.

 

Personally, I am too insecure for that extroverted because usually they are unintentionally flirtatious, Which makes it difficult to Verbalize issues.

I really hope for the best!

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