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The begining of the end?


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Old 13th January 2018, 12:10 PM   #16
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Well things went from bad to worse. I talked to my husband about how Ive been feeling, how overwhelmed I am and how upser I am that he left. I told him that although I understood why he had to take the job it still felt like I ws left holding the bag and couldnt help but wonder if he was committed to our marriage or if whenever he didnt like something he would find a way out.
His response was that he felt the life we had here where Im atwas fake and he had to go to build our “real” life.
Today he called me and told me that bassically he doesnt want me to go through with the transfer of the embrios this week, that is not the right time and that he doesnt think we should do it until we are in the same place again.
That broke my heart

Ive been going thru hell and back to get to this point. Though he presents it as him looking out for me from my perspective is even more fuel to the he wants out fire.

I couldnt talk much after that as I got really upset. Just told him that fine, if he doesnt want to do this I had to accept it and that I would call the center to cancel the transfer. Intold him I had to go and hanged up.

Im devastated by all this.
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Old 13th January 2018, 3:51 PM   #17
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(((Hugs)))I'm sorry that things aren't working out the way that you wanted. I do agree with him that with things as unsettled as they are between you that delaying the embryo transfer is a good thing. You're feeling overwhelmed already and adding a child to the mix right now doesn't seem like a good thing.

Did you enter the military intending to make it a career? Is selling the house and sending the dogs to him a possibility? It seems that he is trying to prepare for the end of your contract. You could have told him not to take the job, but you chose to go along with it.

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We’ve been married three years. I was not in the military yet. In fact I joined when he told me he wanted to be a stay at home dad and/or work free lance. I figured I needed something solid so I joined ( another reason Im so bitter about this) I do plan to get out. I am very unhappy in the job I have and its something he knows so he said he wanted to ensure we had something solid when I did get out.
Was entering the military a joint decision? It seems that you should put more emphasis on figuring out what really works for you, rather than doing things solely based on his wants.
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Old 14th January 2018, 10:04 AM   #18
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Quote:
Originally Posted by 4givrnt4gtr View Post
Well things went from bad to worse. I talked to my husband about how Ive been feeling, how overwhelmed I am and how upser I am that he left. I told him that although I understood why he had to take the job it still felt like I ws left holding the bag and couldnt help but wonder if he was committed to our marriage or if whenever he didnt like something he would find a way out.
His response was that he felt the life we had here where Im atwas fake and he had to go to build our “real” life.
Today he called me and told me that bassically he doesnt want me to go through with the transfer of the embrios this week, that is not the right time and that he doesnt think we should do it until we are in the same place again.
That broke my heart

Ive been going thru hell and back to get to this point. Though he presents it as him looking out for me from my perspective is even more fuel to the he wants out fire.

I couldnt talk much after that as I got really upset. Just told him that fine, if he doesnt want to do this I had to accept it and that I would call the center to cancel the transfer. Intold him I had to go and hanged up.

Im devastated by all this.
Gosh I'm sorry 4get. Your husband sounds either very lost to me, or else very insensitive/ a dick.

How does the embryo transfer work? Could you easily just freeze what you have, and impact it later? Or would that involve starting over to some extent?

If the latter, I am probably going to get flamed for this, but if I were you, I'd be thinking "this is bullsiht" right now, and probably go through with the transfer anyway. He may not know what the eff he wants or distinguish "real life" with fake, but if you want a kid, and you're already having issues- well, I guess I wouldn't waver off that path or take any chances. But if you feel you are near divorce right now, maybe that's not the best advice.

Either way... Please take care of yourself. Your husband may be saying all the wrong things, but how you react to that is still somewhat under your control. Someone has to think of your wellbeing, and it may need to be you. Set a limit on how upset you will allow yourself to become, and remember that no matter how bad things seem right now, you never know what joy the future has in store for you.
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Old 26th January 2018, 4:07 AM   #19
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Hi 4g, any up dates? How are you holding up? Do you have anybody with you for moral support? Do let us know how things are with you. Warm wishes.
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Old 2nd February 2018, 10:36 AM   #20
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Thank you all for your support!
Its been a crazy month since the last time I wrote. After I posted Intook a bit of time to think. The reality is that we’ve been trying to have a baby since 2015 and we had never been as close a we were there. I also agree, as someone else said, that my husband is a bit lost and priorities are confusing. However, I tend to be a person that omce Im on the road to something I cant easily stop and deviate.
Later that day my husband emailed me a very heartfelt email about the reason he had to take the job. He told me he had been very depressed and miserable without a job for so long and had tried to hide it from me to not put more burden than I already had. He said this job gave him some confidence and a sense of purpose again. He also said he would support me in any decision I made about the baby and if him being gone caused me so much grief then he would be willing to come back. After talking a bit more we decided to go ahead with the transfer. He decided to come to be present at the transfer and we both got very emotional at the end

Ofcourse, the treatment worked. I am newly pregnant with possible twins. Although scary both our families are supportive and I know we will
make it work. Understanding his decision made a whole world of difference for me. I no longer fear that he wants to leave, and he has made a lot of effort to showe he is still very invested in us. He will continue to work and then play it by ear when the time for the birth gets closer. So I guess its been a good ending despite it all
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Old 3rd February 2018, 2:44 PM   #21
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Hi 4g, great news! Congratulations and I do hope you have a safe pregnancy and a normal delivery. The best of luck to both of you.
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Old 4th February 2018, 4:11 AM   #22
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Well, you got what you wanted and your husband came through in many ways. You must be very relieved and happy. Congratulations.

However, I would like to point out a couple of issues that are still not resolved in your marriage. It seems to me the time to fix communication problems is when there's not a lot at stake and people aren't emotionally threatened.

What I see is that you just take your husband's position at face value from what he says. You don't (as far as it sounds from how you reported it) make sure you know WHY he's doing and saying things. It didn't make sense to me probably because it didn't make sense to you. It took me three posts to understand that his position was actually quite viable because you hadn't said he didn't have a job. Once you explained that, everything about his timing made more sense. One spouse not having a job is usually a very big deal. Don't you all need for both of you to be working?

But it's also clear that you didn't explain all that because you were so obsessed - understandably - with the possible loss of all you'd worked for.

So I wonder how clear you both were in explaining what you needed.

This might be the time for some marriage counseling, along with parenting classes. Good luck.
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Old 4th February 2018, 11:50 PM   #23
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Hi Merrmeade, what you say makes sense. Apparently, neither of them were able to sus out each other's deep needs and therefore ignored them. As a man I can empathize with the husband feeling depressed and unworthy because he did not have meaningful employment. As such his enthusiasm in embracing this opportunity for full time employment is understandable. It is also a job that he likes and finds fulfilling. On the other hand, it is understandable that the OP, who seems to have fertility/ problems conceiving has this great desire for making a success of her IVF program. She has invested a lot of herself into it both physically and emotionally. One can say that both of them are justified in their views of their positions. However, this has created a big chasm between them and now that there seems to be a light at the end of the tunnel, they need to address this problem, later if not sooner, otherwise it will become the elephant in the room in their relationship going forward.

So, yes both counselling and patenting sessions are needed. The only point is when? Now may not ne the best time as for one thing, they are separated because of their jobs and for another, both are quite involved in their jobs right now. I think that when the OP is able to finish her contract and move back to be with her husband, that the time would be right for such counselling. More than anything else it all depends on how deeply invested both of them are in each other and in their relationship. Warm wishes.
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