Unhappy in Marriage

[Pippie75]

Hello everyone,

 

I have posted here before regarding issues with my husband. I am not happy with my marriage. We have been married for a little over 4 years, together for about 11. We've had issues since out dating years, breaking up multiple times and reuniting. At this time, we argue several times a week over things that shouldn't matter. How I load the dishwasher, I say the wrong thing at the wrong time, I try to hug him at the wrong time, etc. I feel as though he constantly criticizes me. I told him this and he said he is frustrated because I can't change such simple little things. I always feel as though he wants me to change. We don't enjoy the same things and he brings it up constantly. How he can't be himself and that I don't share in his likes. When it comes to sex and intimacy, its a disaster. We rarely have sex and he has to be forced to be affectionate. Just a side note: I think he masturbates in the bathroom, because he goes in there for a really long time with his phone. If I bring anything up regarding how long he is in there, he explodes with anger and frustration and tells me that he has stomach issues and that I am being invasive. I know he's lying because I've seen the downloaded porn on his phone. I can say, that I have lost interest in my marriage. I am trying to live my life as though he doesn't exist, but that is almost impossible because he does and I am married to him. I never imagined myself in a relationship like this. There is no friendship anymore, no passion, and he brings me down. He is always telling me how unhappy he is and that most of it is my fault. I don't know how much more of it I can take. I know that if I could turn back the clock and never married him, I would be a lot happier right now. I just needed to let these thoughts out and hear some objective opinions. Thoughts?

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

If there are no children involved, perhaps you two should go your separate ways.

[BaileyB]

If there are no children involved, perhaps you two should go your separate ways.

 

Exactly my thought. I'm not sure why you would want to stay in such an unhappy marriage. Your husband sounds like a miserable person to live with...

[Pippie75]

I have had the same thoughts many, many times. I am not sure why I can't go through with it. We do not have children and I am not dependent on him financially. If fact, I make more than he does and I own my own business. I almost wish he would cheat on me to give me a solid reason to leave him. I know that sounds strange. I don't know why I can't just walk away.

[BaileyB]

I have had the same thoughts many, many times. I am not sure why I can't go through with it. We do not have children and I am not dependent on him financially. If fact, I make more than he does and I own my own business. I almost wish he would cheat on me to give me a solid reason to leave him. I know that sounds strange. I don't know why I can't just walk away.

 

I'm sure it's hard to make the decision. But, the fact that he is emotionally abusive isn't reason enough for you to leave?

[d0nnivain]

Whatever you do, don't get pregnant. You will make a decision about what to do when you are ready, not before. Divorce is a life changing thing because marriage is not disposable. From your past dating relationship you have some reason you keep coming back. Are you afraid to be alone?

 

Have you ever told him that you are on the verge of divorce? You can't keep living on egg shells. Both of you are going to have change if this will work. Otherwise, it may be time to get out once & for all.

[BaileyB]

- we've had problems since we were dating, breaking up multiple times and reuniting

- we argue several times a week over things that shouldn't matter

- I feel as though he constantly criticizes me

- he is frustrated because I can't change such simple little things

- we don't enjoy the same things and he brings it up constantly, how he can't be himself and that I don't share in his likes

- when it comes to sex and intimacy, its a disaster. We rarely have sex and he has to be forced to be affectionate.

- I think he masturbates in the bathroom, if I bring anything up regarding how long he is in there, he explodes with anger and frustration and tells me that I am being invasive.

- I know he's lying because I've seen the downloaded porn on his phone.

 

- I am trying to live my life as though he doesn't exist

- there is no friendship anymore, no passion, and he brings me down

- he is always telling me how unhappy he is and that most of it is my fault.

- I know that if I could turn back the clock and never married him, I would be a lot happier right now.

 

Sometimes this little exercise is helpful to really look at what you have written.

 

The most disturbing thing for me is how you have written that he blames you for the problems in the relationship and for his unhappiness. If he is unhappy in the relationship, then that is HIS responsibility. You should not have to change what you do to accommodate how he wants something done, or take up some of his interests, to make this man happy. Because, the sad truth is that it probably doesn't matter what you do... He will likely never be happy.

[avvril3000]

I'm sorry you've end up stuck in an unloving, unfulfilling and emotionally abusive relationship. There is no other way to say it except that you should just leave. It will be scary and hard but your future self will thank you so dearly for it. We're only on this earth for a set amount of time - why waste your years with someone who makes you feel miserable and unworthy?

 

The point of relationships isn't to have a room mate who always judges you and doesn't want to be affectionate. The point of a relationship is to have someone who is your best friend, your confidant, your partner in crime, someone who adores you and every part of you and thinks you're the best thing thats ever happened to them. Someone who makes you feel warm and safe.

 

You're not getting that from him and while you married him, you aren't required to stay with him if he doesn't give you what you need from a relationship. This will only make your life sad.

 

You will be better off without him, and starting new. And i think you know this deep inside.

[Just a Guy]

Hi Pippie, you had seven years and many break ups to help you decide not to marry this man. So why did you? What you have presented here is your side of the story. It would be interesting to know what your husband would have to say given the same set of circumstances. At face value it looks like you two are the definition of incompatibility. However, I think there is a deeper connection between you two which brought you together and is now, in spite of the odds, keeping you together. Have you two tried MC and IC to discover what the fun dental problem could be?

 

You said you are not financially dependent on your husband and, in fact, have your own business and earn more than him. I think the genesis of your problem lies here. For one thing, he may feel a little intimidated and threatened by a wife who is independent in her capacity to support her self, earns more than him, and is successful at what she does. If he is working at a job where he is not happy and does not see much scope for career advancement, this could be eating at his entrails and he may be writhing in discomfort from that prospect. However, his frustration is reserved for home. Also, by belittling you, he still manages to retain an element of control. He is then the superior person and you, for all your success, are a bumbling nincompoop and that makes him feel better. At heart, he may be feeling emasculated by your success and his own mediocrity. Although you say you have given up on the marriage, at some deep level you are hoping someone will come up with a magic solution to rectify this problem between you two and you can then go back to being a loving couple. If that were not true why would you come to a forum like this one to vent and ask for help.

 

Having said this, I think your marriage is salvageable if you are prepared to put in the effort required to resuscitate it. As the person more aware of what is going wrong, you may have to take the lead. Suggest that both of you undergo IC for your individual hangups( don't lay the blame entirely at his feet) and subsequently to attend MC together to hash out your problems and his insecurities. If your husband is under qualified to hold a better position than he does then, if you can afford it, help him to improve his qualifications so that he gets a better paying job with brighter career prospects. Life is a challenge and marriage is the biggest challenge. You font run away from it at the first encounter with problems. You learn to surmount them together. Warm wishes.

[Intertwinedhearts_53]

I read through your story and my heart just breaks for you. I was in the same boat you are in,about a year ago. The constant fights, the feeling of “I cant do anything right for you anymore.” The sexless, hopeless marriage. We were ready to go our separate ways and just be done with it. Our saving grace was marriage counseling. It brought up and out all of the crap we hadn’t dealt with before, and all of the underlying issues that were driving up apart. It was not a fun process, but one that was very eye opening. Now a year later our marriage is stronger, granted there are still issues, but 100x better then where we were a year ago. We learned how to communicate, and ultimately how to love each other again. Have you thought about counseling? Would it be something your husband would be interested in? It takes two to make it work, and I hope that your husband will be on board. I wish you the best, and hope and pray things will get better for you.

[Arieswoman]

Pippie75,

I am sorry you are in this situation.

 

Sometimes when we are in the middle of something we can't "see the wood for the trees", so what you need is a broader perspective.

 

From the ouside looking in it seems you are married to a manipulative, abusive guy with anger management issues, who is slowing eroding your self-confidence.

 

The simple answer would be to just leave, but I know that is easier said than done.

 

So I would suggest that you get some counselling for yourself to explore why you are accepting this kind of behaviour. (There is no need to tell him about this) I would guess that there has been some kind of long-term abuse in your background and you have gravitated towards this guy because he mirrors the model of an abuser from your past.

People can become so worn down that they accept abuse as "normal" - you need to break that pattern.

 

Stay strong x

[Pippie75]

Thank you for sharing your thoughts. It is not an easy situation to be in at all. The funny thing is, he has actually suggested that I see a counselor because I am the one, who in his eyes, is unhappy and needs help. Oh, and I also have anger problems according to my husband. He is not open to marriage counseling. I have suggested it before and he does not want to go. He says he has done everything he can for the marriage and states "what else do you want me to do for you and change for you?" Those have been his exact words to me. I am not sure how to proceed. Either one of my options is difficult, to stay or to go. But I feel time slipping away. I feel guilty for having allowed this to go on for so long and having wasted so many years to only end up in this place. I have to make a decision one way or another.

[stillafool]

Hello everyone,

 

I have posted here before regarding issues with my husband. I am not happy with my marriage. We have been married for a little over 4 years, together for about 11. We've had issues since out dating years, breaking up multiple times and reuniting. At this time, we argue several times a week over things that shouldn't matter. How I load the dishwasher, I say the wrong thing at the wrong time, I try to hug him at the wrong time, etc. I feel as though he constantly criticizes me. I told him this and he said he is frustrated because I can't change such simple little things. I always feel as though he wants me to change. We don't enjoy the same things and he brings it up constantly. How he can't be himself and that I don't share in his likes. When it comes to sex and intimacy, its a disaster. We rarely have sex and he has to be forced to be affectionate. Just a side note: I think he masturbates in the bathroom, because he goes in there for a really long time with his phone. If I bring anything up regarding how long he is in there, he explodes with anger and frustration and tells me that he has stomach issues and that I am being invasive. I know he's lying because I've seen the downloaded porn on his phone. I can say, that I have lost interest in my marriage. I am trying to live my life as though he doesn't exist, but that is almost impossible because he does and I am married to him. I never imagined myself in a relationship like this. There is no friendship anymore, no passion, and he brings me down. He is always telling me how unhappy he is and that most of it is my fault. I don't know how much more of it I can take. I know that if I could turn back the clock and never married him, I would be a lot happier right now. I just needed to let these thoughts out and hear some objective opinions. Thoughts?

 

What are you going to do?

[standtall]

You guys need counseling first...If you made vows and took them seriously, then you owe it to make your best effort at marriage counseling. If that fails, then punt.

[hippychick3]

Thank you for sharing your thoughts. It is not an easy situation to be in at all. The funny thing is, he has actually suggested that I see a counselor because I am the one, who in his eyes, is unhappy and needs help. Oh, and I also have anger problems according to my husband. He is not open to marriage counseling. I have suggested it before and he does not want to go. He says he has done everything he can for the marriage and states "what else do you want me to do for you and change for you?" Those have been his exact words to me. I am not sure how to proceed. Either one of my options is difficult, to stay or to go. But I feel time slipping away. I feel guilty for having allowed this to go on for so long and having wasted so many years to only end up in this place. I have to make a decision one way or another.

 

I think you should see a counselor immediately in order to help you take the necessary steps to navigate your way through a divorce. You deserve to spend the rest of your life happy and have the opportunity to meet someone more loving and compatible and deserving of you.

[Pippie75]

I do not know why I realized this out of nowhere. But someone shared with me that perhaps my husband feels inferior to me, and through his comments tries to bring me down. I feel that is true. Let me elaborate. I have a busy day today, and of course, aside from running a business, I also clean the house, do all the grocery shopping, cook, take care of the dogs, and all the extras. My husband goes to work, comes back and 3:30 and lays on the couch. If I ask him to vacuum and dust he accuses me of micromanaging him. Its ridiculous. The only thing he does is take out the garbage. Anyway. Last night I said I would wake up at 5:30 today so I can have time to do all the grocery shopping for the week before my morning meeting. However, I was exhausted and did not wake up until 6:15. The first thing out of his mouth when I walked into the kitchen was: "So much for 5:30, huh?" Not good morning, not a kiss, not a hug, he just pounced on the fact that I woke up 45 minutes later than I initially said I would. I just took some coffee and walked out. He got his opportunity to be critical first thing in the morning.

Here is another thing he does: My husband could lose about 50-60 pounds. He never works out, eats junk food, and drinks ( not heavily). I try to watch what I eat, I work out 3 to 4 days a week, and (I am truly not trying to brag here), I look about 10 years younger than my age of 42. He always points that out, as though to compliment me. But that is followed by: "You do have some problem areas and you refuse to do what I suggest so the older you get, the worse it will get." I always believed that the person you choose to spend your life with should think of you as the best, more beautiful person in the world. I never felt that way with him, and I certainly don't feel it now. He is also very critical of himself as well. He will say he looks disgusting and has to lose weight, that he knows he can do better professionally, etc. But I feel as though maybe he is projecting all of that unto me and that 's not fair. Thoughts?