Boring Marriage

[newlywedder]

My marriage has been so boring for quite some time now. We have been married for 3 years and have a 2 year old son. My husband never wants to go anywhere or do anything other than play video games.

 

He gets upset if I don't play video games with him so I do it, even though it is no longer my interest. Before marriage, we both were addicted to video games but I grew up and wanted to do other things. I mostly watch shows on Netflix while he plays his games.

 

Our routine: We both work 8 to 5 and put our son in a daycare. Then, I pick up our son and make dinner. He gets home around 6. We both play with our son until 7 pm, his bedtime. Then, 7-9 we do separate activities mostly unless I can stomach playing a video game with him.

 

He is a sweet-natured man who is a great father, however. I am lucky that he isn't violent and abusive like my father was so I tell myself that when I get down.

 

I have gained 50 lbs since he met me but he says that extra weight doesn't bother him. We have sex once or twice a month but I'd like more closeness.

 

We go on movie dates sporadically when his sister or mine can watch our son. I am too afraid to leave my baby with a stranger. I wanted to plan a Valentine's Day at a nice restaurant in advance, but my husband was like "who will watch our child?" so I didn't. Both his sister and mine now have relationships so will be unavailable.

 

Does anyone have advice on how to spruce up the marriage?

Edited January 4, 2018 by newlywedder

[Nilfiry]

Have you tried voicing these concerns with him yet?

[d0nnivain]

Get some interests of your own, besides Netflix. Even a walk around the neighborhood after dinner with your child will help with the weight gain.

 

Get involved in your community. Take up a hobby. Make yourself interesting.

[Popsicle]

It's NORMAL to be bored in a non-drama-filled marriage.

 

Let me repeat that.

 

It's normal to be bored in a decent marriage.

 

Just don't go off and cheat.

 

Let me repeat that.

 

Just don't cheat.

 

You'll have to find ways to see the positive in your marriage like you did above. Practice seeing other positives too.

 

And if you want to lose weight, lose it because you want to, not because of your husband. I have a friend who is a stunningly gorgeous and thin yoga teacher. Her husband ignores her after work and on weekends to go play video games. He's 43.

Edited January 4, 2018 by Popsicle

[newlywedder]

No, I would never cheat. I feel too unattractive anyways to go looking for someone else. lol

 

That is good advice to gain more of my own interests. I am shy so don't have any close friends other than my husband.

 

We never go on any vacations so I get so jealous looking at Facebook of everyone else's trips. He says it is because our son is too young and my husband hates traveling.

[d0nnivain]

Get off FB while you are unhappy. It will just make you nuts.

 

While other people may help you can do interesting things on your own:

 

learn to knit or sew

 

invest

 

write

 

take up gourmet healthy cooking

 

do yoga

 

Just find something to give you peace. If you want to travel take day trips with your kid.

[newlywedder]

I'd like my husband to find other interests too besides video games. Is that a lost cause?

[d0nnivain]

It's not a lost cause but it's more of a lead by example thing. My husband prefers to hide in his solitary man cave too but I can usually lure him out every so often.

[BettyDraper]

Having a young child places restrictions on your lifestyle. It’s best to gain acceptance of that fact. Learn to do fun activities at home. Children are also very expensive so it might not be feasible to afford the vacations just now. Other than that, you will have to let go of your fear of using babysitters or else you will continue to lose time with your husband. Thoroughly interview babysitters and get references.

 

You mentioned weight gain and feeling unattractive. I’ve been there and the only solution was embracing a healthier lifestyle. Exercise will make you feel happier and more confident. Start by walking 1 mile a day. Slowly increase the time and speed. Decrease the sugar and carbs in your diet. Drink at least 2 quarts of water a day. You’ll see the difference in your mood and lose weight.

[somanymistakes]

It is not weird for your husband to want to relax with video games if he is otherwise tired with work and a young kid. It is not weird to continue playing video games even though you are no longer a child, it's not something that you have to "grow out" of, it's an activity like any other. If you treat him disdainfully for still being interested in the things he was interested in when you got married, this can eventually become a problem between you.

 

Obviously, if he's neglecting you to play video games, that's a problem, as it would be if he were neglecting you for anything else. And it's not weird for you to wish he shared other interests with you as well. However, you can't really MAKE him like things. Still, if he's pushing you to do some him things that you no longer like, it's fair for you to propose tradeoffs and suggest that he at least try doing a specific thing with you.

[wmacbride]

No, I would never cheat. I feel too unattractive anyways to go looking for someone else. lol

 

That is good advice to gain more of my own interests. I am shy so don't have any close friends other than my husband.

 

We never go on any vacations so I get so jealous looking at Facebook of everyone else's trips. He says it is because our son is too young and my husband hates traveling.

 

I don't buy the "our son is too young" line. As someone who has traveled all over hell's half acre with three small kids in tow, it can be done. It can be great for kids, as they can learn more about their world and get new experiences. It can be as cheap as picking up some second hand camping equipment and going to a nearby campground.

 

Have you tried " tech free stay at home date nights"? Turn the games and Netflix off for an evening, and make supper together. Splurge on some luxury ingredients, and work together to make a meal you both enjoy. Put on some quiet music while you eat, and then relax on the couch together while you talk or just snuggle quietly.

 

If you have a backyard, can you have a bonfire some night? That can be a lot of fun, and bring back the carefree feeling of being a kid. You can get free copies of recorded dance lessons online or even at your local library,and you and your husband could learn to waltz or another dance together ( that can be very romantic and fun). Have a board game night, go for an evening together with your little one in the stroller and stop for a coffee along the way. Make up your own game of "truth or dare" or " if I had a million dollars"...silly, but it can be a lot of fun. Pretend your power's out for the night, light some candles and snuggle up and talk. If you both like wine or beer, try making your own together at home. Pick up the stuff needed to bake some leaves of fancy bread together.

 

There are so many things you can do, but it can be easy to forget that sometimes. Marriage can be along road, but there is lots to enjoy along the way. Good for you for reaching out for advice and ideas.

[Popsicle]

I wonder what the men's opinions are on this...

[BluesPower]

I wonder what the men's opinions are on this...

 

OK, he is kind of a typical man child...

 

He just wants to retreat into his cocoon after work, not realizing that he needs to engage with his wife and start doing adult things.

 

And at sex 2 times a month, you are headed for more problems. Soon the sex will drop off to very little.

 

Men, for what ever reason, think about it in this way sometimes.

 

1) Found a woman that I love.

2) Got married, had a kid.

3) Enough regular sex that I am happy.

4) (Back of their mind) I don't have to court my wife anymore because I have that locked down.

5) I am a grown a** man and if I want to just chill and play Video games that is what I will do....

 

And it generally just goes down from there.

 

This is what is happening.

 

OP has to talk to him, and help him to understand what is going on, and how it is not healthy for the relationship.

 

He is also probably addicted to Video Games as well.

 

I am not saying that this is easy.

 

Also, yes dear you will cheat. If your husband does not pay the proper type of attention to you. You get other hobbies, or a different job. A hot guy want to "Just go for coffee", and because you do not get what you need from your husband, you end up banging hot guy.

 

It happens every day.

 

I do not know why some men, and I guess some women, do this. But this is what is happening.

[wmacbride]

op,

your husband playing video games tot his extent can create a problem that goes well beyond just you and him. If your child sees him doing this so often, it's possible they may pick up the habit too.

 

There is nothing wrong with unwinding at the end of the day, but when it starts to eat up so much time, it can become a problem.

[BaileyB]

I'd like my husband to find other interests too besides video games. Is that a lost cause?

 

It's a lost cause only in that it is his decision, not yours.

 

He may chose to find other interests than video games or he may not...

 

The only thing YOU control right now, is whether you chose to sit beside him or develop your own interests. Go, do your own thing... Hopefully, it will inspire your husband.

[Just a Guy]

Hi Newlywedder, how is it that you two are having sex just twice a month so early in your marriage? It should have been thrice a week at this stage. Is either one of you witholding on the sex front? What about your libidos? Who has the higher libido? Maybe you should initiate some little play every once in a while.

 

The other thing is have you thought about MC and IC? If there is some sort of emotional or other problems either of you are harbouring then those should be addressed. What about inviting friends over for a barbeque once in a while? Are either of you into games? If so then try and get the other interested in something you both can play. Say something like tennis or Badminton. Be creative and think of things. Warm wishes.

[Just a Guy]

Hi Newlywedder, in addtion to my post above, I'd like to say that your ruling out cheating on your husband because you do not consider yourself attractive enough for other men is very erroneous thinking. I agree with Blues Power that you could very well end up down that road. There are two pertinent reasons here. One is possible self esteem issues due to dissatisfaction with your body/face and the other more important one is boredom. Boredom in a marriage is a sure shot indicator that an affair is waiting to happen. Some guy in your office who is good at reading faces will see through you and know that you are ripe for picking. He will start sweet talking you and before you know it he will be bedding you. Your first and foremost concern should be to get rid of boredom in your marriage and the second is to work off extra weight and gain your self esteem back. Then you will have armed yourself against such predators. Keep a sharp lookout for such guys. They are out there. Warm wishes.

[carhill]

I wonder what the men's opinions are on this...

IDK about the other guys but IME men get married expecting their wives to never change and women get married expecting their husbands to change. Throw that into the childhood psychology, socio-economic, sexual attraction mixer and out comes something.

 

My bet is the OP is young. However, when I was young, long before video games, I'd watch on in amazement how fellow racers, guys with kids and wives in their early 20's, would huddle around the then new arcade video game stuff, archaic stuff, when we'd stop at a restaurant after the races. I mean their wives would literally come and drag them away by the hair Still, that mixer mixed and out popped a continuing marriage, hence I came to understand that their attractiveness and compatibility outweighed the annoyances of seemingly juvenile pursuits. In fact it was normal for the young ladies to be attracted to guys who were man-boys. Sure, work that sweaty job but act like a kid, annoyingly so sometimes, when at play. That was healthy, to them, apparently. And so it goes. What's old is new

[Els]

He sounds addicted to me - and I'm saying this as a gamer with a partner who is also one. We do play games together fairly often, but it isn't the only thing we do together, not even 50% of it. I think it's normal and healthy for you to want to do other things with your husband beyond just that one activity, and unhealthy for him to not want to.

 

That being said, I'm not sure if there will be an easy solution to this, because it sounds like this is what he's been like all along. You signed up for it with full knowledge of the fact. It's possible that he can change if he wants to, but much more likely that he won't want to. While the others' advice on having your own hobbies is good, I'm not sure it will make any difference unfortunately. When someone is addicted to something, they will welcome being given additional time to indulge in it.

 

Could you try planning a few dates for both of you (at least once a week) and attending marriage counseling? I don't understand the reservations with "leaving your child with someone else" when you already do so with daycare. Surely there are reputable babysitters whom you can trust?

[sac555]

Dear OP,

It isn't unusual that he likes to do the same thing still...maybe you could suggest something like a movie on netflix together, or a date...and set it up a a few days away so he can digest it! haha Slowly start adding some activities that you think he'd like even if it's hard to get him away from the games. It does seem like we women like to do more than sit around than the guys! haha Tell him you'd really even like him to take walks with you so you could start feeling better about yourself. If he doesn't then go yourself! Hang in there! Prayers for you!

[Mr. Lucky]

Our routine: We both work 8 to 5 and put our son in a daycare. Then, I pick up our son and make dinner. He gets home around 6. We both play with our son until 7 pm, his bedtime. Then, 7-9 we do separate activities mostly unless I can stomach playing a video game with him.

 

He is a sweet-natured man who is a great father, however. I am lucky that he isn't violent and abusive like my father was so I tell myself that when I get down.

 

You seem to be setting the bar pretty low - spending an hour a day (I'd guess your H also games extensively on his days off) with his child and not hitting you doesn't make for a "great father".

 

You need to expect more and be vocal about it...

 

Mr. Lucky

[treehugger12]

It's a lost cause only in that it is his decision, not yours.

 

He may chose to find other interests than video games or he may not...

 

The only thing YOU control right now, is whether you chose to sit beside him or develop your own interests. Go, do your own thing... Hopefully, it will inspire your husband.

 

 

 

I too have a husband in his 40's (together 24 years) addicted to video games. I got so tired of it, I started doing my own thing, started working out and getting in shape, took off 30 lbs and kept it off. If I want to go do something I invite him and usually always goes, have him help you more around the house to take him away from the games. When he sees you becoming independent and doing your own thing he may change his ways a little bit. But I would not sit around and wait for him, you too have a life and you need to live it with or with out him, don't let him drag you down because of his bad habit. My mother was a single mother and she always took me traveling, so can you or take a trip with family members. Leave your son with your husband and start going to the gym or go on a family hike. Don't wait around for him. He should compromise with you, agree on a time limit for games and then make family time for a walk in the evening. Your life should not revolve around your husbands video games, it is such a time suck!

[Happy Lemming]

Here is an idea... Challenge your husband to go 30 days without playing video games. Based on the results, you should have a pretty good idea if he is addicted and how bad the addiction is.

 

In addition to other suggestions previously posted, my girlfriend and I trade books back and forth and have our own little book club.

 

We also play "Scrabble", although we bend the rules a little bit, trade letters, help each other out, etc. We don't care who wins or loses, we just try to use all of the letters. My girlfriend used to be an English teacher, so I feel my vocabulary expands each time we play.

 

Just my two cents... best of luck!

[S2B]

I'd like my husband to find other interests too besides video games. Is that a lost cause?

 

You can't make him do anything - but you can find new and exciting things for yourself! Do that!

[somanymistakes]

Here is an idea... Challenge your husband to go 30 days without playing video games. Based on the results, you should have a pretty good idea if he is addicted and how bad the addiction is.

 

In addition to other suggestions previously posted, my girlfriend and I trade books back and forth and have our own little book club.

 

We also play "Scrabble", although we bend the rules a little bit, trade letters, help each other out, etc. We don't care who wins or loses, we just try to use all of the letters. My girlfriend used to be an English teacher, so I feel my vocabulary expands each time we play.

 

Just my two cents... best of luck!

 

If a partner said "You're not allowed to do this thing you like for thirty days!" for no reason, I'd be irritated regardless of any 'addiction'. It's rude and treating a partner like a naughty child. Even a child would generally need to have disobeyed before you grounded them like that.

 

I mean, it's one thing to ask a partner to stop playing games for a while and do something with you instead, but to just randomly tell them "You're not allowed to do anything you like!" is mean.