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Am I being too negative about my marriage.


Marriage & Life Partnerships Debunking the old-ball-and-chain stereotype one couple at a time.

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Old 28th December 2017, 9:32 AM   #16
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Well it's clear he is not going to change. OP what are you going to do besides complain about this?
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Old 28th December 2017, 9:34 AM   #17
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Have a sitdown with him. But first, make notes of the things he says when you make suggestions to him to go out and be more active. Then read them to him. Next, let him know that his habits are making you feel left out and incline to find what you are missing from someone else. Ask him if he wants that to happen. Sometimes you have yo be direct.

Please answer mine. Thanks.
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Old 28th December 2017, 9:44 AM   #18
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He won't change without huge motivation.


So, file for divorce, and present him with the papers. Tell him he can start changing now (and tell him specifically what you need in order to stay), or he'll be single in the near future.


He may make an effort, but isn't going to stick with it, I think. I'm almost certain that you'll have to finalize the divorce.
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Old 28th December 2017, 10:13 AM   #19
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We are in our late 50's....The suggestions you mentioned like making small changes... I have tried everything I could of.. He has been this way for along time. I think I'm just getting tired......

By all means leave if you're unhappy.

You'll need to accept that you'll be alone. Responsible for funding a household alone. No one to talk to at home when you're lonely.

I left my husband 20 years ago. I don't regret it, but it's a much harder life, being alone than being in a couple.
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Old 28th December 2017, 10:33 AM   #20
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I appreciate all of the replies and advice. I really do. You guys are a tough bunch, but in a good way. Thank you for that. I need to make up my mind on what I'm gonna do. Its gonna be a very hard decision.
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Old 28th December 2017, 10:37 AM   #21
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Originally Posted by Begoz View Post
Have a sitdown with him. But first, make notes of the things he says when you make suggestions to him to go out and be more active. Then read them to him. Next, let him know that his habits are making you feel left out and incline to find what you are missing from someone else. Ask him if he wants that to happen. Sometimes you have yo be direct.

Please answer mine. Thanks.
Weird Love Triangle
Done that before. He changed for a little while and fell back into the same pattern. I guess I am at just as much fault, for being accepting of him and his patterns.... cause I stayed after he fell back to his old ways.
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Old 28th December 2017, 10:53 AM   #22
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Here is a wacko idea. How would he react if he thought you had a new boyfriend. If this might shake him out of his lethargy, and motivate him to change, then get a boyfriend or make him think you have a boyfriend (your choice). When he complains then tell him to change his ways or else accept the idea that you are seeing someone else. This would be cheaper than filing for divorce.
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Old 28th December 2017, 10:55 AM   #23
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We are in our late 50's....The suggestions you mentioned like making small changes... I have tried everything I could of.. He has been this way for along time. I think I'm just getting tired......
Maybe he needs a bit of a shock or reality check. What would happen if you tell him you want a temporary separation? Just be honest, tell him exactly what you feel. You are unhappy. You have not found anyone else and are not sleeping with anyone else and you have no intention to date or sleep with anyone. You are just very unhappy and need a separation to get your head straightened out.

Maybe the shock of being alone and having to fend for himself and do stuff for himself and being in a house all alone might give him a wake up call?

The bigger question is, where will you move out to? You got parents or someone you can move in with a few months?
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Old 28th December 2017, 10:58 AM   #24
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Originally Posted by Guildford View Post
Here is a wacko idea. How would he react if he thought you had a new boyfriend. If this might shake him out of his lethargy, and motivate him to change, then get a boyfriend or make him think you have a boyfriend (your choice). When he complains then tell him to change his ways or else accept the idea that you are seeing someone else. This would be cheaper than filing for divorce.
Thats not good. Its not good to play games and mind games with people, especially with people you are in a marriage with who you have known (and dont forget, they know you!) for 35+ years.
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Old 28th December 2017, 11:09 AM   #25
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Guildford View Post
Here is a wacko idea. How would he react if he thought you had a new boyfriend. If this might shake him out of his lethargy, and motivate him to change, then get a boyfriend or make him think you have a boyfriend (your choice). When he complains then tell him to change his ways or else accept the idea that you are seeing someone else. This would be cheaper than filing for divorce.

You are right it is a wacko idea.
Making people jealous rarely works the way you want it to.
This is a 35+ year marriage, not a HS romance, and even then... not the brightest idea.
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Old 28th December 2017, 12:33 PM   #26
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It is not a wacko idea if it is the truth. There was a recent affair. Perhaps she should tell him about the other MM.

What I think you should do, OP is face the truth. You love your husband, that is obvious. However if he continues to carries on this way, you wontt have to worry about divorce. Your hisband is going to die a early death.

If he is 340 lbs and approaching 60, he could pass at any moment. A massive heart attack in his sleep is very possible. It is time to stop asking and start telling. Unplug that tv WHILE HE IS WATCHING IT. Get him some walking shoes. Clean out the fridge and keep it clear.

My Fiancees father is like your husband. He feels like he has worked all his life and there wasn't much left to do in life except exist. We worked very hard to change his thought process. We started the path by taking away the option to do nothing. He now has a different lifestyle pattern and is doing much better.

You have very little time. If you don't save him from himself, you will bury him....soon.
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Old 28th December 2017, 1:16 PM   #27
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It is not a wacko idea if it is the truth. There was a recent affair. Perhaps she should tell him about the other MM.
OK I missed that.
The poor guy is probably depressed as hell.
Even if he doesn't know about the actual affair, he will have sensed something going wrong in his marriage and some people will just retreat into themselves, isolate themselves, spend time watching TV or playing video games, anything to not have to face what is wrong.
He will likely be comfort eating too.
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Old 28th December 2017, 1:26 PM   #28
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heartbrokenlady #13

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If you're an over 50s woman, there pretty much are NO men interested. They want younger women.
I can't agree with that.

I married for the second time when I was nearly 50 and my husband was 5 years younger. We met at church.

A good friend of mine started living with a guy 5 years ago, she's now 74 and he's 69. they met at Scottish Dancing classes.

Mature people are just as capable of finding a partner as younger people, and are often better at it because hormones aren't getting in the way of logic !

Last edited by Arieswoman; 28th December 2017 at 1:35 PM..
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Old 28th December 2017, 4:20 PM   #29
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To Cullenbohannon:

He knows about it. The whole truth.

It was an emotional thing, and It was a contributing factor to me rearranging my life and leaving my job.

Last edited by dogloverof2; 28th December 2017 at 4:33 PM..
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Old 28th December 2017, 4:45 PM   #30
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heartbrokenlady #13

I can't agree with that.

I married for the second time when I was nearly 50 and my husband was 5 years younger. We met at church.

A good friend of mine started living with a guy 5 years ago, she's now 74 and he's 69. they met at Scottish Dancing classes.

Mature people are just as capable of finding a partner as younger people, and are often better at it because hormones aren't getting in the way of logic !


Lucky. I know a lot of 40+ women and the general consensus is that good men interested in women our age are as rare as hens teeth.

Of course we're capable of relationships, but finding a good guy who,isn't looking for a woman 10-20 years younger than himself...
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