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Is there hope for spouses who don't vacation together?


Marriage & Life Partnerships Debunking the old-ball-and-chain stereotype one couple at a time.

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Old 21st December 2017, 2:36 PM   #16
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@d0nnivain - I have mentioned that and to him it sounds like I am jealous of his time with his friends. He also feels as if I am working against his independence.
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Old 21st December 2017, 2:42 PM   #17
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Wow. It seems to me like he has one foot out the door.


I'm all for working things out in a marriage . . . for better or worse & all that but you need a partner who cares about the marriage.


DH & I have different vacation preferences so we find ways to compromise. It's the only way it works.
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Old 21st December 2017, 2:55 PM   #18
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@d0nnivain - yeah, that's what I thought last year when all of this started. But now I think he actually just wants to do his own thing with regard to his hobbies and not be questioned about it. I still feel that he is dedicated to being married -- but simultaneously doing his own thing. And letting me do my own thing. But I don't want to do my own thing! As much as I love my mom and traveling with her, I would love for him to come on trips abroad with me!
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Old 21st December 2017, 3:45 PM   #19
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He also feels as if I am working against his independence.
That's the thing though, married people don't get to be independent. When he married you, he agreed to consider you in all decisions and share his life with you. If he wanted to do all his travel by himself, or with his friends, he should have stayed single.

Of course, he can keep his independence and enjoy the occasional trip with the boys. But, not at the expense of traveling and sharing experiences with you.

I have a feeling that this guy is going to learn this lesson the hard way, and he will be a great second husband... I say this only because, he has a lot to learn about the compromise required to have a good marriage.
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Old 21st December 2017, 4:24 PM   #20
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@Elswyth - it's important that you bring that up, actually. It comes down to finances. Before we got married, I would arrange and pay for all our vacations together. After we got married, neither one of us really thought it would make sense to dip into the joint account for vacations he's not interested in. If I paid for everything out of my own account again, he would have no problem going with me. He just doesn't want his money (in the joint account) going toward it. I'm not sure I can blame him too much for that. But I don't want to pay for him out of my own account when vacationing with me isn't a priority for him. He would rather have his own money go to the expenses (of which there are many) of maintaining his multiple bikes and of the annual ski pass and everything involved with out of state trips.
Oh. Wow. I'm not necessarily against using money to solve problems, but you have to be really careful to be sure that you're not just sweeping issues under the rug with it. Otherwise they'll inevitably rear their heads again later on, which is pretty much what's happening in your case now. This is something that should have been properly addressed before you married IMO.

Has he shown you in other ways that he prioritizes your marriage? It really concerns me that he seems to show zero desire in searching for a solution or a compromise that would make you happier. As long as HE'S happy, everything's hunky dory. It seems very selfish to me.
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Old 21st December 2017, 4:25 PM   #21
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You will grow apart if he doesn't prioritize keeping and growing the bond with you instead of with his buddies. Maybe marriage counseling? It seems to be an impossible situation.
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Old 21st December 2017, 11:00 PM   #22
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I definitely contributed to the situation we're in by paying for all vacations at the beginning of our relationship. At that time I was making more money than he was and I thought it was the right thing to do. I agree that the money was able to cover up some deep issues for a little while. I can't think of any examples where he has prioritized the marriage over his needs. Maybe he has and just hasn't told me. He is resistant to marriage counseling. I think it is a great idea.
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Old 21st December 2017, 11:20 PM   #23
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Well, of course he is resistant to marriage counselling. He's not going to appreciate hearing that he needs to grow up and be more considerate of your needs...

To me, he sounds like a little boy who has never grown up. Selfish, self centred, and entitled... Not such great qualities to have in a life partner.
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Old 21st December 2017, 11:27 PM   #24
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He often tells friends that one of our secrets to happiness is that we both have fulfilling hobbies apart from each other. He says "don't let your spouse be your hobby" - in that, avoid being attached at the hip and not having separate interest.
I definitely agree with this, but this advice is so very dependent on personality type and how independent you are as a person. Since OP's husband didn't start these time consuming hobbies until after they were married, I totally understand why she doesn't like it.
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Old 22nd December 2017, 12:03 AM   #25
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I agree, there is some compromise in order.

I am in a similar position, in that my husband is really into mountain biking, BMX and motorcross and I can't stand two wheels (I tried, eventually he stopped buying me bikes!).

Even though I don't mountain bike, I join him on summer trips to the sierras. He goes and rides, I go and hike, or float on Lake Tahoe etc. Play with photography, see some local sights, I occupy myself.

We meet up for lunch perhaps, and definitely all hang out at the end of each day.

Some trips its just him and the boys, and others I go on.

He also goes snowboarding which isn't my jam. I go snowshoeing and other things and enjoy some winter snow.

That said, I have my own time consuming hobby, horseback riding, and at times I like it when he goes on his boys trips because it means I have more time to ride!

He often tells friends that one of our secrets to happiness is that we both have fulfilling hobbies apart from each other. He says "don't let your spouse be your hobby" - in that, avoid being attached at the hip and not having separate interest.
I love the way you and your hubby compromise. It's good to occupy ourselves when our husbands are enjoying their hobbies.

I'm starting riding lessons in the spring! I'm very excited about that.
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Old 22nd December 2017, 3:01 AM   #26
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I definitely contributed to the situation we're in by paying for all vacations at the beginning of our relationship. At that time I was making more money than he was and I thought it was the right thing to do. I agree that the money was able to cover up some deep issues for a little while. I can't think of any examples where he has prioritized the marriage over his needs. Maybe he has and just hasn't told me. He is resistant to marriage counseling. I think it is a great idea.
That's very sad. How long have you two been married for? It's possible that this may not be worth saving. Definitely don't have children and don't even risk pregnancy until this has been resolved.

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Originally Posted by CautiouslyOptimistic View Post
I definitely agree with this, but this advice is so very dependent on personality type and how independent you are as a person. Since OP's husband didn't start these time consuming hobbies until after they were married, I totally understand why she doesn't like it.
I don't think the issue in this case is that he has hobbies of his own - IMO the issue is that ALL his leave/spending money/spare time goes to those hobbies and he isn't interested in putting any of it into his marriage. That would be a dealbreaker for a lot of people, I think.
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Old 22nd December 2017, 3:01 AM   #27
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You two sound incompatible. Do you think you can live the rest of your life like this? If you've talked about things and no compromise has been made, you just have to accept or I guess move on!
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Old 22nd December 2017, 7:30 AM   #28
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He sounds quite rigid in his views, ie., about the money, about travelling outside the US and about independence. Yuck.

I'm as independent as they come. Last year I went to Spain and New Orleans w/o my hubby. He wasn't able to come to Spain (I went with my brother and a best friend), and NOLA was totally a girlfriend trip. He just came back from celebrating a friend's 40th bday in Japan. In the split between who travels, for fun, without the other, it's definitely 70-30 me.

Here's the thing, tho. We ALSO plan TONS of trips together, not based on one person's hobby, but just to get away and experience something as a couple. Also, we are very open to the other joining if they want to - tho neither of us would insist on joining what are obviously single-sex getaways for birthdays.

As independent as I am, your H's travel schedule would be unacceptable to me unless we had the kind of lifestyle where we could, basically, travel 30% of the time. I mean....that is ALOT of travel not only w/o you, but with absolutely no thought to your preferences and needs as a couple.

Our separate travel never makes my H or me feel that the other isn't a priority. If it did, the amount of travel that we do would be unhealthy. It sounds unhealthy for you.

It also sounds like you are conflict avoidant. That won't help you figure out a marital framework that makes you BOTH happy.
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Old 22nd December 2017, 9:20 AM   #29
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I do not think that his friends just started skiing and biking
after you go married.

I think your Husband did these things before he courted
you. Just that he put these things on hold. Now married
and he has you "under contract" he has gone back to
his old hobbies.

Sofa slugs do not magically become Johnny can't sit still
over night. I think this husband has pulled the old bait and
switch.

Also I do not like separate money. Until direct deposit I never
signed my own pay checks. Just handed them over to her.

I have read at least two dozen stories where the WS and their
AP belonged to the same bicycle club, then affair stories that
involved running clubs, bowling and softball leagues.

Then these ski trips will be him and his friends hanging out
at bars, and your husband will be doing his best to be a good
wing man for his buddies.

Another example of do not marry people that have hobbies
that neither one will do for the other.

Separate vacations are not how relationship bonds are kept
strong.

Divorce is the only option for you have no kids, still young to
find a better mate.

What is the point of going to work on to spend your free time
apart?

Well for your part time husband he does not have to worry about
meals week days, and there will always be clean clothes for
him to take when he leaves for his separate holidays. And then
his wife there to clean them when he returns.
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Old 22nd December 2017, 11:19 AM   #30
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anna121 - your life is what I strive for. It is definitely very healthy to have your own hobbies and do your own thing. And you've managed a great balance. I have my own travel, he has his, and we are not meeting in the middle for much of anything. I crave that mutual experience that has nothing to do with either person's hobbies!
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