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Drama between my parents and wife.


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First, my parents are judgmental, always bully to get their way, and immature.

This is something my wife has had a hard time dealing with.

 

We seemed to get over this problem over the last year but now we have a new problem. My parents want to celebrate their 50th wedding anniversary. My mom has already planned a vacation and booked a house for August of 2018. The dates worked fine for us because it was right before our son's first day of 1st grade. However, the school just updated the calendar for next year and the 1st day is one week earlier then normal. This means we will have to leave the vacation three early of a 7 day vacation and will miss the celebration on the 18th which is their anniversary.

 

My parents think it is crazy to do so. They won't re-book for a week earlier. They want him to miss the first two days of school. My wife on the other hand is dead set on our son going to the first day. Kindergarten is only mornings and 1st grade is all school day. It will be a large change for him. Therefore, my wife says he has to go to the first day. However, if we don't stay for the 18th, the celebration my parents will go nuts. I am stuck in the middle and need advice. Thanks

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You need to take a position on this instead of just trying to steer a course through the middle. Personally, I'd back your wife on this one.

 

I've also found that the way to minimise family drama is to keep visits to relatives short but frequent. After a few days of visit irritations and arguments start so avoid the week-long holiday together.

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Thanks Davey. I think you are right to back the wifey on this one. Short frequent visits are also a good idea. When kids are old enough I will take them by myself too.

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First days at school are important. Back in the day, that was a mom thing to accompany the new student to get things going on the first day. How is it with you? Will you both be there with your son?

 

What are the logistics of the vacation? Airplanes, trains, cars, hotels? Distance?

 

Do you have problems with your parents or is it mainly friction between them and your wife?

 

I kinda see things a couple ways. Your family, your wife and kids, are job #1. You also are very fortunate to have two parents alive and still together and celebrating their 50th.

 

Who else is going to be there at their 50th deal?

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Three hour plane ride. My brother and his wife and kids. We asked parents to move the dates but my mom wants to celebrate on the day of their anniversary no if ands or but’s.

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Cool, short plane ride.

 

Myself, if I did the dates right and son starts school before 18th, I'd do the first day of school thing with him, then pop back to the celebration for a couple nights and wife can stay home with son. Pass on the whole vacation thing. Seems like wife doesn't get on well with parents anyway. Write it off to logistics. If roles were reversed, I'd have no problem taking my kid to first day of school then wife takes off to parent's anniversary. Part of marriage is being flexible.

 

I've seen what friction between wives and in-laws can do. It can destroy marriages. That's too bad. Good luck with your choices.

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I think that the problem is not your wife and not your parents. It's you. You have neglected your role, abandoned your shift, and now it is time for you to grow balls and confront your parents. This is what you do:

 

1. Go to your wife and tell her that from now on you're in charge about the communication and the relationship with your parents, and she can be relaxed because you will take care of everything.

 

2. You announce your parents that you will leave 3 days earlier because of your son schedule, and if they intend to scowl about it, you will cancel everything and won't show up at all, because you want the 4 days to be happy days. If they insist ruin the 4 days that are left, you will not show up.

 

Be consistent, be stubborn, don't move an inch. Your parents need a rehab period to understand that their son has started to act like a man who is responsible for his family []

Edited by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Civility and respect and edited some spelling
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Hmm.. thats a really hard bind you are in. From your post though, it kind-a sounds like your wife is right. A little kid in kinder/1st grade -- its a big deal and big changes for the little one at that time and that day. I don't know what you should do.

 

What if you split up, one of you goes with parents and the other ones deals with the kid in school?

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startingagain15

Your wife is right, he shouldn't miss the first days of school. Your parents will have to deal with that, and be happy you will come for half the time, or else don't go at all.

 

My parents are the extremely judgmental, manipulative type too. It sucks to try to deal with their expectations. But trying to appease both them and my husband ruined my first marriage. I'm determined not to let them do it again.

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I don't understand. In my calendar, August 18 is a Saturday. When is the 1st day of school?

 

 

Your son needs to be at the first day of school. Instead of doing the week, fly out Friday. Go to the party on Saturday. Fly home Sunday. Kid goes back to school Monday.

 

 

Why is any of this an issue?

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I don't understand. In my calendar, August 18 is a Saturday. When is the 1st day of school?

 

 

Why is any of this an issue?

 

The school starts one week earlier... so their Son will already be in school that week.. at least that was the way I read the dates... the school moved it from the 20th to the 13th ... I guess..

 

I'm with everyone on this.. Kids must be at the first day of school.. always.... and Grandparents should be more reasonable since it is their Grandchild that is starting their first day of school.

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50 years!

50 years!

and you, their son is thinking of missing their celebration all for the sake of some child who will not even remember his first day of school.

Your parents will be heartbroken if you are not there.

Why on earth would you even think of asking them to move the date...?

smh

 

If they are celebrating 50 years they are not young, this may be the last year you even have parents...

Think on...

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Yeah, that's how I read the dates too. School starts 8/13, Monday, and the 50th celebration is on the 18th, Saturday. Originally, before the pesky school changed the schedule, the deal would've worked perfectly, hence my compromise suggestion, as the parents apparently already had made their house rental and their anniversary will always be on the 18th of August and they made no changes. Dad can be home all week for son's first week of school, fly out Friday, party with parents, back home Sunday. Mom can stay home with son. If parents push back, son has adult conversation about boundaries ;)

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50 years!

50 years!

and you, their son is thinking of missing their celebration all for the sake of some child who will not even remember his first day of school.

Your parents will be heartbroken if you are not there.

Why on earth would you even think of asking them to move the date...?

smh

 

If they are celebrating 50 years they are not young, this may be the last year you even have parents...

Think on...

 

This isn't just "some child" though. He's the OP's son.

I was under the impression that the first day of school was a big event for parents and children.

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OP - If your parents are "judgemental bullies" your job is to stand up to them and defend your wife. She shouldn't be burdened with negotiating with them - that's your job as the man of the house.

 

Both my husband and I have "extremely difficult" mothers, so we have always protected each other from them. He stands between me and her, as he should.

 

Time to stop allowing your parents to bully you.

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This isn't just "some child" though. He's the OP's son.

I was under the impression that the first day of school was a big event for parents and children.

 

And his parents 50th wedding anniversary isn't?

50th wedding anniversaries are like hen's teeth, kids go to school every day, and like I said he won't even remember it...

 

Drive to school, put the child into the school, drive home, pick up child a few hours later.

A non event, as it will still be a few days later.

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Even if school starts the week earlier & you can't go to the beach house for the whole week, the compromise remains you fly out Friday after school. You are there on Saturday for the party & you come home Sunday, after enjoying a long weekend with your parents for their anniversary.

 

 

It's only a 3 hour flight. Yes, that is not as much fun as a whole week at the beach but it allows the OP & his family to do both: be at the first day of school without the child missing any days AND attend the party.

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Many make great points. We already went through a very stressful period where several years ago when I finally stood up to them. It did not go well. Then there were some other more minor issues where I stood my ground again. They did not like it. Then we had a period where things seemed to go back to normal. Not this issue came up.

 

Everyone is right I will stand up tot he parents and keep my wife out of it.

 

The Vacation ends on the 19th of August. His first day of school is the 16th. We could go for the beginning and then leave on the 15th. Three hour plane ride and then two hour drive from the airport.

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The Vacation ends on the 19th of August. His first day of school is the 16th. We could go for the beginning and then leave on the 15th. Three hour plane ride and then two hour drive from the airport.

 

 

I'd do the long weekend instead. Your mother wants you there for the party. Yes, the drive to the AP makes it an all around p.i.t.a. but this anniversary will only come around once I a life time. Don't miss it & do everything in your power to make it painless on your wife. If money permits consider a car service too & from the AP. That cost is a small price to pay for safety & family harmony.

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Aiuta le mani

Hey! Thanks for sharing here! You mention that your parents are hard to deal with but I see that you want to honor them as much as you love your own! There is nothing wrong with that! You are doing your best to be a good son and a good husband and that is the right approach! You need to make decisions that will let both your parents and your family know that they are all very important for you! If I were in your place, I would split and ask my wife to leave early and take your child to school so you can stay with your parents! Whatever decision you and your wife agree on, announce it calmly and let everyone know that it is set!

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That's would be my suggestion. Not sure if I have missed something, but are both parents required to show up on your son's first day of school (sorry I didn't do first grade in the US)?

 

Sound like you're at a tough spot between your parents and your wife. However, someone in your spot really needs to be a little more flexible and compromising.

 

Hey! Thanks for sharing here! You mention that your parents are hard to deal with but I see that you want to honor them as much as you love your own! There is nothing wrong with that! You are doing your best to be a good son and a good husband and that is the right approach! You need to make decisions that will let both your parents and your family know that they are all very important for you! If I were in your place, I would split and ask my wife to leave early and take your child to school so you can stay with your parents! Whatever decision you and your wife agree on, announce it calmly and let everyone know that it is set!
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In this situation, I'm not sure that there is any one "right" answer.

 

My grandparents chose to celebrate their 50th anniversary on a different day, six months before their actual anniversary, because they didn't want to disrupt Christmas for everyone or force their older family members to travel during the winter. It's a very important day, but it is just a day.

 

As adults, as parents, we make sacrifices all the time for our children. It's sad that your parents are not able to celebrate on another day - to allow their grandson the opportunity to attend his first day of school and reduce the conflict between you and your wife.

 

It doesn't sound like your parents are the kind of people to make this kind of sacrifice. I'm sorry OP, it must feel like you are between a rock and a hard place.

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That's would be my suggestion. Not sure if I have missed something, but are both parents required to show up on your son's first day of school (sorry I didn't do first grade in the US)?
My first day, my SAHM dumped me off in front, wished me well and then the nuns took over :D

 

Obviously, things have changed in 50-some years. Back then parents didn't sweat kid details. Three squares, a bed, some love and yeah do your chores. Getting a ride to school was a nice perk. Else it was walk or the bus. Kids were active and independent back then.

 

Sound like you're at a tough spot between your parents and your wife. However, someone in your spot really needs to be a little more flexible and compromising.
Tough row to hoe with wife and in-laws at loggerheads. I have a feeling no matter what choice the OP makes, he's going to get it :D
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OP - If your parents are "judgemental bullies" your job is to stand up to them and defend your wife. She shouldn't be burdened with negotiating with them - that's your job as the man of the house.

 

Both my husband and I have "extremely difficult" mothers, so we have always protected each other from them. He stands between me and her, as he should.

 

Time to stop allowing your parents to bully you.

 

My husband and I are in the same situation.

We both have crazy mothers. We barely interact with them and my husband always stands up for me if his mother puts me down.

That's how every husband should protect his wife if his mother is insufferable.

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My first day, my SAHM dumped me off in front, wished me well and then the nuns took over :D

 

Obviously, things have changed in 50-some years. Back then parents didn't sweat kid details. Three squares, a bed, some love and yeah do your chores. Getting a ride to school was a nice perk. Else it was walk or the bus. Kids were active and independent back then.

 

 

Me too. But, on my first day of grade one, I cried on my teachers knee and it was the photo on the front page of the local newspaper. ;)

 

The first day of grade one is a pretty big day, I don't blame you OP for wanting to be there with your family...

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