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Drama between my parents and wife.


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Old 20th December 2017, 12:36 AM   #1
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Drama between my parents and wife.

First, my parents are judgmental, always bully to get their way, and immature.
This is something my wife has had a hard time dealing with.

We seemed to get over this problem over the last year but now we have a new problem. My parents want to celebrate their 50th wedding anniversary. My mom has already planned a vacation and booked a house for August of 2018. The dates worked fine for us because it was right before our son's first day of 1st grade. However, the school just updated the calendar for next year and the 1st day is one week earlier then normal. This means we will have to leave the vacation three early of a 7 day vacation and will miss the celebration on the 18th which is their anniversary.

My parents think it is crazy to do so. They won't re-book for a week earlier. They want him to miss the first two days of school. My wife on the other hand is dead set on our son going to the first day. Kindergarten is only mornings and 1st grade is all school day. It will be a large change for him. Therefore, my wife says he has to go to the first day. However, if we don't stay for the 18th, the celebration my parents will go nuts. I am stuck in the middle and need advice. Thanks
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Old 20th December 2017, 12:45 AM   #2
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You need to take a position on this instead of just trying to steer a course through the middle. Personally, I'd back your wife on this one.

I've also found that the way to minimise family drama is to keep visits to relatives short but frequent. After a few days of visit irritations and arguments start so avoid the week-long holiday together.
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Old 20th December 2017, 12:55 AM   #3
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Thanks Davey. I think you are right to back the wifey on this one. Short frequent visits are also a good idea. When kids are old enough I will take them by myself too.
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Old 20th December 2017, 1:32 AM   #4
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First days at school are important. Back in the day, that was a mom thing to accompany the new student to get things going on the first day. How is it with you? Will you both be there with your son?

What are the logistics of the vacation? Airplanes, trains, cars, hotels? Distance?

Do you have problems with your parents or is it mainly friction between them and your wife?

I kinda see things a couple ways. Your family, your wife and kids, are job #1. You also are very fortunate to have two parents alive and still together and celebrating their 50th.

Who else is going to be there at their 50th deal?
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Old 20th December 2017, 2:39 AM   #5
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Three hour plane ride. My brother and his wife and kids. We asked parents to move the dates but my mom wants to celebrate on the day of their anniversary no if ands or butís.
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Old 20th December 2017, 2:56 AM   #6
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Cool, short plane ride.

Myself, if I did the dates right and son starts school before 18th, I'd do the first day of school thing with him, then pop back to the celebration for a couple nights and wife can stay home with son. Pass on the whole vacation thing. Seems like wife doesn't get on well with parents anyway. Write it off to logistics. If roles were reversed, I'd have no problem taking my kid to first day of school then wife takes off to parent's anniversary. Part of marriage is being flexible.

I've seen what friction between wives and in-laws can do. It can destroy marriages. That's too bad. Good luck with your choices.
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Old 20th December 2017, 3:45 AM   #7
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I think that the problem is not your wife and not your parents. It's you. You have neglected your role, abandoned your shift, and now it is time for you to grow balls and confront your parents. This is what you do:

1. Go to your wife and tell her that from now on you're in charge about the communication and the relationship with your parents, and she can be relaxed because you will take care of everything.

2. You announce your parents that you will leave 3 days earlier because of your son schedule, and if they intend to scowl about it, you will cancel everything and won't show up at all, because you want the 4 days to be happy days. If they insist ruin the 4 days that are left, you will not show up.

Be consistent, be stubborn, don't move an inch. Your parents need a rehab period to understand that their son has started to act like a man who is responsible for his family []

Last edited by LoveShack.org Moderator; 20th December 2017 at 8:43 PM.. Reason: Civility and respect and edited some spelling
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Old 20th December 2017, 8:06 AM   #8
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Hmm.. thats a really hard bind you are in. From your post though, it kind-a sounds like your wife is right. A little kid in kinder/1st grade -- its a big deal and big changes for the little one at that time and that day. I don't know what you should do.

What if you split up, one of you goes with parents and the other ones deals with the kid in school?
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Old 20th December 2017, 11:51 AM   #9
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Your wife is right, he shouldn't miss the first days of school. Your parents will have to deal with that, and be happy you will come for half the time, or else don't go at all.

My parents are the extremely judgmental, manipulative type too. It sucks to try to deal with their expectations. But trying to appease both them and my husband ruined my first marriage. I'm determined not to let them do it again.
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Old 20th December 2017, 12:37 PM   #10
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I don't understand. In my calendar, August 18 is a Saturday. When is the 1st day of school?


Your son needs to be at the first day of school. Instead of doing the week, fly out Friday. Go to the party on Saturday. Fly home Sunday. Kid goes back to school Monday.


Why is any of this an issue?
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Old 20th December 2017, 1:45 PM   #11
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Quote:
Originally Posted by d0nnivain View Post
I don't understand. In my calendar, August 18 is a Saturday. When is the 1st day of school?


Why is any of this an issue?
The school starts one week earlier... so their Son will already be in school that week.. at least that was the way I read the dates... the school moved it from the 20th to the 13th ... I guess..

I'm with everyone on this.. Kids must be at the first day of school.. always.... and Grandparents should be more reasonable since it is their Grandchild that is starting their first day of school.
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Old 20th December 2017, 1:57 PM   #12
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50 years!
50 years!
and you, their son is thinking of missing their celebration all for the sake of some child who will not even remember his first day of school.
Your parents will be heartbroken if you are not there.
Why on earth would you even think of asking them to move the date...?
smh

If they are celebrating 50 years they are not young, this may be the last year you even have parents...
Think on...
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Old 20th December 2017, 1:59 PM   #13
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Yeah, that's how I read the dates too. School starts 8/13, Monday, and the 50th celebration is on the 18th, Saturday. Originally, before the pesky school changed the schedule, the deal would've worked perfectly, hence my compromise suggestion, as the parents apparently already had made their house rental and their anniversary will always be on the 18th of August and they made no changes. Dad can be home all week for son's first week of school, fly out Friday, party with parents, back home Sunday. Mom can stay home with son. If parents push back, son has adult conversation about boundaries
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Old 20th December 2017, 2:00 PM   #14
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Quote:
Originally Posted by elaine567 View Post
50 years!
50 years!
and you, their son is thinking of missing their celebration all for the sake of some child who will not even remember his first day of school.
Your parents will be heartbroken if you are not there.
Why on earth would you even think of asking them to move the date...?
smh

If they are celebrating 50 years they are not young, this may be the last year you even have parents...
Think on...
This isn't just "some child" though. He's the OP's son.
I was under the impression that the first day of school was a big event for parents and children.
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Old 20th December 2017, 2:08 PM   #15
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OP - If your parents are "judgemental bullies" your job is to stand up to them and defend your wife. She shouldn't be burdened with negotiating with them - that's your job as the man of the house.

Both my husband and I have "extremely difficult" mothers, so we have always protected each other from them. He stands between me and her, as he should.

Time to stop allowing your parents to bully you.
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