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Past interaction with employer affecting my marriage today. Help!


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Hey guys,

 

So this isn't really about infidelity but about trust issues my husband has with me. Here is my long story:

 

9 years ago I get a text from my then boss saying that he sent me a picture to my work email and I need to delete it. My husband already had my phone in his hands when I got this and he saw it and asked about it. The story behind that text was that my boss texted me asking how the office was doing and I said it's slow and boring. In return he says for me to send him a sexy picture. My boss and I had a work friendship and he is also friends with people in my family so this is a person that is not just around at work. I took it as a joke really. So I decide to mess with him back and I replied "You first". I realize that was the wrong response. I never actually wanted nor did I expect a photo. I thought it was all fun and a joke.

 

My problem is that at the time I tried to lie to my husband about it (who was only my boyfriend at the time) I figured I would talk to my boss about it and make sure it never happened again and that my husband didn't have to know my boss had disrespected me in this way and that I allowed it. I was ashamed. I tried to hide it and deleted the whole text thread. Well my husband (now untrusting of me) rechecked my phone and was rightfully very suspicious as to why I deleted the messages. So I fessed up and told him the complete story but now it was too late. I already messed up by deleting the messages because now my husband has to just trust what I say is the truth. In his mind he's thinking I sent a photo back, or maybe this wasn't the only time something like this had happened. He's thinking maybe there is more than this sexy picture and I'm just not telling him.

 

So this was 9 years ago and we argued, we discussed it and decided to move on and rebuild trust. At the time I felt like I couldn't leave that job because I had bills and me and my husband had just had a newborn daughter. He was still finishing college. He was only 21 years old. We didn't even live together because I wanted him to concentrate on school. He didn't have a good job. So I stayed working with my boss after I explained to him that I was uncomfortable with what had happened and he never once disrespected me like that again. So I thought everything was fine. For 9 years me and my husband did great. He trusted me...we were happy. Got married, had a second daughter and now I'm pregnant with #3.

 

But now this issue has resurfaced in an ugly way. As of 2015 I no longer work at the office with my old boss. I became a stay at home mom. However, our family started struggling financially. I felt comfortable asking my old boss to give me some work I could do from home because I knew he had a little side business going that pays well. So I did this for 5 months and again my husband didn't express any discomfort with this. Like I said, I thought we were moved on. But apparently I was very wrong.

 

My husband started acting very paranoid, suspicious of my every motive. Every joke I said or anything I did was a reason to question me and mistrust me. I didn't understand where it was coming from. He finally admitted to me that he's been feeling like he did the wrong thing in trusting me with my boss all these years. He's convinced there is something else with my boss and I. This jealousy has been going on for 6 months now. If we're at a party, I get accused of cheating on him every time I go to the bathroom and some other guy goes to the bathroom at the same time as me. This has happened twice. He's accused me of hugging his cousin for too long and was asking if I had feelings for his cousin. He's feeling very insecure at the moment, and I don't know how to handle it. I get angry. Because all these years I thought we were past this issue. I never cheated on my husband. I am not known to be a flirty girl. I know that I made a mistake and I'm ashamed for deleting the text messages.

 

Anyway, this is a long post. There is more to this story but this is the general gist. I don't even know if I have a question, I just need to share and read what others think. I'm going through hell right now with so much sadness and so much anger. I'm 4 months pregnant and I know this can't be good for the baby. I haven't been a fully supportive wife because I'm mostly mad that we are discussing the past and I just want this to be done.

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<snip> If we're at a party, I get accused of cheating on him every time I go to the bathroom and some other guy goes to the bathroom at the same time as me. This has happened twice. He's accused me of hugging his cousin for too long and was asking if I had feelings for his cousin. He's feeling very insecure at the moment, and I don't know how to handle it. I get angry. Because all these years I thought we were past this issue. I never cheated on my husband. I am not known to be a flirty girl. I know that I made a mistake and I'm ashamed for deleting the text messages.

 

<snip>

 

How does this happen? Your in the bathroom together?

 

I think I would question my wife if she went to the bathroom with some guy at a party. It would be like WTF were you doing.

 

Sorry you are going through this. Once trust is broken it is very hard to get it back. I think your husband has a very good imagination and low self esteem. Something has rattled his thoughts to get them going again on the past. Did anything happen prior to him reopening this with you?

 

I would think that he has mind movies running through his head that he can’t stop. Marriage counseling might help the two of you work through this.

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Hmm, I'll be honest, I don't believe a word of what your saying. If I were in your husband's shoes I would just chalk it up as you having a very long term affair with your "boss" and tell you to kick rocks since you don't act trustworthy still to this day, and that's going from your version of events...I wonder what your husbands view looks like.

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How does this happen? Your in the bathroom together?

 

I think I would question my wife if she went to the bathroom with some guy at a party. It would be like WTF were you doing.

.

 

I didn't understand what you meant and it suddenly clicked. You are thinking of a house party maybe? Where only one bathroom would be available. I assumed she meant work party or something more formal, at a hotel or ??. In that setting people walk off to the bathroom all the time, and will be in separate restrooms, but leave at similar times?

 

OP what exactly did you mean about the bathroom part?

 

It seems extremely odd he would all of a sudden be so untrusting after so much time has passed with you working for the boss, taking a break, and now working from home for the same boss. Something just doesn't add up.

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It seems extremely odd he would all of a sudden be so untrusting after so much time has passed with you working for the boss, taking a break, and now working from home for the same boss. Something just doesn't add up.

 

No, I think it is entirely plausible as he never actually got over that incident.

It was rug swept and he never really got the definitive answer he needed.

They didn't do the whole full blown reconciliation thing as to her it was not cheating, it was a stupid d*ck pic, and the husband had no real proof of anything, but no doubt his mind went into overdrive.

I guess he believed she cheated with the boss and he decided to stay married anyway for I guess the new born.

Fast forward and the boss makes a reappearance and the husband is triggered big time. All that buried resentment, upset, panic and fear has resurfaced and now he is bashing, accusing and making the OP miserable to make himself feel better.

 

OR

 

It may be now that the husband is the one cheating and all these accusations are a mere projection of HIS guilt.

2 young kids, pregnant wife, 9 years married, 30 years old... He is a prime candidate to be cheating, sorry to say.

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If what you said is true, this was all a bad joke, if your behavior has otherwise been above board for 9 years, I do not understand that your husband suddenly got all bent out of shape 6 months ago.

 

 

If you value your marriage, ask your husband what he needs by way of transparency to simmer down & rebuild trust. If his request is reasonable & in this case I think quitting your PT job is reasonable, give your husband what he wants. If you want to stand firm & holler about him not trusting you, your marriage may end. Granted you need trust to have a relationship but you also need compromise.

 

 

I was jealous of one of my husband's work colleagues. That woman actually did more to reassure me then my husband did. Anyway, I needed him to unfriend her on social media. He put up a fuss, which made me nuttier but eventually he did as I asked. They still interacted at work but there was nothing I could do about it. Since there was really nothing to it in the 1st place, when the OW got married to her now husband I felt so much better.

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I didn't understand what you meant and it suddenly clicked. You are thinking of a house party maybe? Where only one bathroom would be available. I assumed she meant work party or something more formal, at a hotel or ??. In that setting people walk off to the bathroom all the time, and will be in separate restrooms, but leave at similar times?

 

OP what exactly did you mean about the bathroom part?

 

It seems extremely odd he would all of a sudden be so untrusting after so much time has passed with you working for the boss, taking a break, and now working from home for the same boss. Something just doesn't add up.

 

All it would take is a trigger. People that have been cheated on or thought their SO had cheated on them will have these moments. The thing is to figure out what triggered him.

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Couple of things happening here...

 

1) Your husband is having an affair and he is transferring his guilt to you. This does not seem too likely though as you did not write about and red flags from him.

 

2) This was way more serious than you ever thought and you both swept it under the rug. Then you start working for the same boss again, and that triggered him and it all came rushing back to him. Now he is paranoid like he was before and you don't know what to do about it.

 

***************

 

So let's talk about this. First of all this was not sexual harassment in any way. You were being flirty with your boss and you did not shut him down like you should have from the start, so don't even go there.

 

Then you lied to your husband. And THEN you came clean about it.

 

This is all your fault, you may as well had an affair with your boss because that is what it looks like.

 

Listen, you caused this with your flirting and your lying and you are upset at your husband because he is triggered about your "Affair".

 

I have to say that you are way, way out of line in every way.

 

I also have to agree with some of the other posters here. You are leaving out some big details here because I am having a hard time believing you from what you wrote in your initial post. It just does not ring true.

 

For example, did you cheat on your BF before you married your husband?

 

Something is not right with this story, but I can tell you this... You are the one that is going to have to fix it, because it is your fault.

 

And find a different part time job because this one is not good for your marriage...

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Good morning members and welcome to the thread starter..... I moved this from CFJ to the Marriage forum since this appears to be a marriage issue and I'm seeing no statements of current affair activity so let's work the marital issue as presented. Thanks and please continue!

 

Edited to add I re-titled the thread to more accurately reflect the content offered.

Edited by William
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I think the only way to get through this is to quit working for your old boss and take full responsibility for what happened. By packaging this as a joke done in poor taste, your boss taking advantage of the situation, you being naive, and your attempt to cover up this "misunderstanding" to spare him of getting the wrong idea is demonstrating you are not accepting responsibility for the situation. Worst of all, by accepting new work from your boss proves to your husband you really were not that appalled by the situation or thought about how it may affect him.

 

You have to own it. Meaning, you must understand this was not sexual harassment--it was consensual flirting. Acknowledge by telling your boss "you first," you knew or should have known there was a good chance he was going to take you literally. And admit covering it up was not done to spare your husband of his feelings but to purposefully and deliberately deceive him to hide the fact that you knew you engaged in inappropriate behavior.

 

Most importantly, you need to look for another side job because you need to demonstrate to him that you understand the gravity of the situation. If you really believe now that your boss disrespected you and your relationship, you should not want to work for him. It boils down to having respect for your partner and your relationship.

 

Be accountable and put your husband first; this is the only way to regain his trust.

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This is all your fault, you may as well had an affair with your boss because that is what it looks like. ...

 

 

That's a little harsh. Yes, somebody's perception can be that person's reality but the appearance of an affair is much lesser sin then the actual affair. It's also much easier to provide transparency & regain trust.

 

 

OP, would your husband believe your boss if that man told him there was never an affair? Granted your DH may think the boss is just a co-consipirator but it may help.

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That's a little harsh. Yes, somebody's perception can be that person's reality but the appearance of an affair is much lesser sin then the actual affair. It's also much easier to provide transparency & regain trust.

 

OP, would your husband believe your boss if that man told him there was never an affair? Granted your DH may think the boss is just a co-consipirator but it may help.

 

I agree with you most of the time... But here, no way.

 

Once she lied at all, trust was over and he does not REALLY know if anything she is telling him is true.

 

And it is not easier to regain trust or any transparency because of what you said... co-conspirator.

 

And then to go back to work for him, how stupid a move was that?

 

No, this is on her plate all the way, and it happened in the worst possible way such that her husband does not, and never will, know what actually happened.

 

This is why the trickle truth is so hurtful to the BS in the first place, they never really know.

 

And let's face it, she was flirting with her boss, that is why she tried to hide it in the first place.

 

And I still say that there is a lot more to know about this situation that OP is not telling us...

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You make valid points Blues Power. My only point was that the appearance of an affair is a lesser sin then the affair. Being accused of doing something is different then actually doing it.

 

 

The OP does have to clean up this mess though & probably the best way will be to get a new job.

 

 

I am a bit concerned that her husband thinks she's having an affair with any / every man who walks out of a room about the same time she does. That seems a bit over the top on his part.

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OP, I know that they're not 100% accurate but do you think that volunteering for a polygraph would help ease your H's mind on both the original suspicion and on anything since?

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USA1AH: We were at a club and I tell my husband I need to use the restroom and I go and I'm very quick about using the bathroom. 3 -5 minutes maybe. But he has said that some other guy friend of ours, just so happens to go the mens bathroom at the same time and if come out around the same time, he starts imagining that maybe I was up to something with this guy. He's gotten really mad at me and even asked me for a divorce once because I came back from the bathroom at the same time as another friend of ours. He also said the friend put an arm on his shoulder and gave him a look, whatever that means.

 

Granted, I used to work with this friend for 3 years or so in that same office so I understand my husband for having a suspicious imagination because he doesn't trust me or those guys I worked with. The thing that really gets me, is that it's been 9 years since the "dick pic". I thought we had build trust by this point. He's never ever been like this before. And all of a sudden he's a depressed mess. It's daily fighting almost.

 

The only thing that happened recently is that I contacted my old boss and started working with him getting him leads because it paid so well and I could do it from home. The moment my husband started talking and expressing his discomfort with this I stopped working with my old boss. I think that maybe I was dumb? Insensitive for thinking I could have a normal relationship with my old boss and didn't think of my husbands feelings? I just really thought we talked it through and decided things were okay, especially since I continued working in that office after the dick pic incident. (sigh) I know I made a lot of mistakes...I should've quit that job instantly. I just know that at the time both me and my husband were in college, that job was flexible and paid well, my husband didn't have a good job at the time. I don't know. I know it's not good to dwell on the past. I want to work to make things better but I don't know how.

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Hmm, I'll be honest, I don't believe a word of what your saying. If I were in your husband's shoes I would just chalk it up as you having a very long term affair with your "boss" and tell you to kick rocks since you don't act trustworthy still to this day, and that's going from your version of events...I wonder what your husbands view looks like.

 

DKT3...How did you establish that I don't act trustworthy till this day, based off of one post? I did make a mistake in staying at that job for as long as I did. I don't deny that.

 

I never had a long term sexual/romantic affair with my boss, but I know this is what my husband is suspecting. I do understand my husband for being suspicious but this was 9 years ago. Why didn't we have all these fights about it then? Why is he depressed about this 9 years later?

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I didn't understand what you meant and it suddenly clicked. You are thinking of a house party maybe? Where only one bathroom would be available. I assumed she meant work party or something more formal, at a hotel or ??. In that setting people walk off to the bathroom all the time, and will be in separate restrooms, but leave at similar times?

 

OP what exactly did you mean about the bathroom part?

 

It seems extremely odd he would all of a sudden be so untrusting after so much time has passed with you working for the boss, taking a break, and now working from home for the same boss. Something just doesn't add up.

 

 

Jdoublenn: No I was not going to the bathroom withanother man. It was at clubs and other public settings.

 

It has been 9 years since the "dick pic" incident and we were past it, or so I thought. I simply don't understand how he was so trusting of me for the 9 years after it and all of a sudden is questioning himself for "allowing" me to work with my old boss for so long. I'm not denying that I made a mistake in deleting text messages, and working at that office for as long as I did. I so wish I could go back and change it. I don't know why my immature mind thought it was okay to stay there. But I keep reassuring my husband that I didn't have a sexual or romantic or emotional relationship with my old boss because that is the truth. It just doesn't look good that I stayed there and on top of that contacted my old boss again for another job from home. Ugh! So many mistakes. I wish my husband would have let me know how uncomfortable he was with my old boss from the beginning 9 years ago. But he made it seem like we talked it out and everything was cool.

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No, I think it is entirely plausible as he never actually got over that incident.

It was rug swept and he never really got the definitive answer he needed.

They didn't do the whole full blown reconciliation thing as to her it was not cheating, it was a stupid d*ck pic, and the husband had no real proof of anything, but no doubt his mind went into overdrive.

I guess he believed she cheated with the boss and he decided to stay married anyway for I guess the new born.

Fast forward and the boss makes a reappearance and the husband is triggered big time. All that buried resentment, upset, panic and fear has resurfaced and now he is bashing, accusing and making the OP miserable to make himself feel better.

 

OR

 

It may be now that the husband is the one cheating and all these accusations are a mere projection of HIS guilt.

2 young kids, pregnant wife, 9 years married, 30 years old... He is a prime candidate to be cheating, sorry to say.

 

 

Elaine567: thank you for your insight. What do you mean that we did not have a full blown reconciliation? I don't know if this makes a difference but at the time of the dick pic, we were 3 years together with a newborn. Not married yet. We were both in college and he said he didn't want to marry just because of a child and I agreed and waited till we were ready.

 

Also I know not many of you will understand this because you don't know me or my husband, but I choose to trust him when he says he hasn't cheated on me because he is that good of a guy and I know he would never ever do that. I know where he is all the time. :) But this did cross my mind...that he has a guilty conscious because so much time has passed since this incident and now he's very depressed about it all. He regrets not telling me to quit that job years ago. He regrets trusting me after the incident. I DO understand where he's coming from. It's just maddening to me that this is resurfacing because I know myself and I know I would never do anything to hurt my husband and now he's paranoid about everything I do or say.

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OP,

 

I’m not getting on you, but you must understand how minimizing the entire situation is not boding well for you. Reread what you wrote. Ask yourself are you really painting an accurate picture of the situation or are you still in CYA mode. Describing a photo of someone’s genitalia as a “sexy photo” isn’t really giving an honest representation and accurate description of important details.

 

You’re asking him to believe that nothing ever happened until one time he requested a “sexy photo” you decided to “play along” and told him, “you first,” and he sent you a d*** pic. That’s it. End of story? You must understand how hard that is to believe? I’m not saying you’re lying, but you must concede that it looks really bad.

 

Here’s a guy, who knows your family and without any indication of how you might react just goes 0-60 with a d*** pic? And then he just stopped after you told him that it was inappropriate? It just doesn’t add up.

 

Now, your husband, then boyfriend (I’m guessing it makes a difference because you felt the need to clarify), probably suppressed it; he buried it real deep. He likely never dealt with those feelings. He likely did not believe you then but chose to ignore it. When you contacted your old boss again, it likely blew the lid off and all those feelings came bubbling to the surface.

 

I’m not a doctor but the symptoms he is displaying are very similar to PTSD. He is reliving what he expected all along and that is why he is accusing you of cheating in those aforementioned situations.

 

Please be honest with yourself, so you can be honest with him. The truth will set you both free.

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I want to work to make things better but I don't know how.

 

 

You have already quit the job so that is a start. You work to make things better by point blank asking your husband what you can do to regain his trust. Then you do what he asks.

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If you value your marriage, ask your husband what he needs by way of transparency to simmer down & rebuild trust. If his request is reasonable & in this case I think quitting your PT job is reasonable, give your husband what he wants. If you want to stand firm & holler about him not trusting you, your marriage may end. Granted you need trust to have a relationship but you also need compromise.

 

 

D0nnivain: yes I quit that work from home gig the minute my husband expressed he was uncomfortable with it. My husband has also expressed he didn't like other friendships I've had with male friends since before I even met him and I have no problem distancing myself from these friends for my husband. I love him and I want him to regain trust in me. Thing that kills me is that I thought we had already done that years ago. Something about working with my old boss again has triggered him and now he is jealous/suspicious of any man that was my friend.

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D0nnivain: yes I quit that work from home gig the minute my husband expressed he was uncomfortable with it. My husband has also expressed he didn't like other friendships I've had with male friends since before I even met him and I have no problem distancing myself from these friends for my husband. I love him and I want him to regain trust in me. Thing that kills me is that I thought we had already done that years ago. Something about working with my old boss again has triggered him and now he is jealous/suspicious of any man that was my friend.

 

Here is the deal. When he suspected you of cheating, and you allowed too much flirting as I said before, deleted the pic and all of that... You guys did not realize that you were dealing with an infidelity situation. So, at that stage of life, you both handled it wrong.

 

To make it worse you deleted everything so you had no proof that "Nothing" happened, so in his mind he just ate the SH*T sandwich and buried it deep.

 

In his mind he thought you were sleeping with your boss. And everyone knows that you were flirting with him, weren't you, because you would not have deleted everything if you were not flirting. So you did not want him to see that or the pic.

 

So when you went to work for your boss it came back fresh for him, like it happened yesterday.

 

For him, in his mind, because of your actions, he thinks you were sleeping with your boss, and all indications were that you were sleeping with him.

 

Does that start to make sense. War veterans suffer from flash backs from combat for years after they return, this is what is happening to your husband.

 

Get it now????

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I think you understand where you went wrong.

 

 

Your boss crossed too many lines. Old family friend or not, those kinds of pictures are never appropriate in the work place! Your boss was wholly inappropriate for sending something like that.

 

 

However, your husband can't very well expect you to stop interacting with any member of the opposite sex. Men are 1/2 the population. He has to find a reason to trust you again. Help him with that.

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This is all your fault, you may as well had an affair with your boss because that is what it looks like.

 

I have to say that you are way, way out of line in every way.

 

For example, did you cheat on your BF before you married your husband?

 

And find a different part time job because this one is not good for your marriage...

 

BluesPower: You're right in that I felt a lot of shame for not shutting my boss down. Previous to this interaction, my boss was a family friend, and cousins with some far family members. I didn't know how to handle it at the time. I was immature for "flirting" with him back and figured he'd take it as a joke but I know now that is naive.

 

I don't understand how you're saying I might as well of had an affair with my boss? He sent me a dick pic. How is this equivalent to having a full blown affair with another man? I never had feelings for my boss in the slightest way. It was simply an inappropriate incident at work, that YES, I am to blame for because I didn't shut it down. My husband knows that I'm ashamed for what I did. I never said this was not my fault.

 

I have never cheated (neither emotionally or sexually) on my husband or anyone I've ever dated. The story about my boss, is 100% true the way I am telling it. Not sure why it's hard to believe that a man sent me a dick pic and that's all there was to it but that's fine. I'm the only one that knows the truth since I can't actually prove it to my husband. 9 years ago he decided to trust me again and like I said, we were secure, happy, and this didn't come up again until 6 months ago.

 

I did quit the PT job the minute my husband told me he had a problem with it. My husband is more important to me than "friends" or a job. I'm upset because my husband did not express to me way earlier, that he had a problem with my relationship with my old boss. As a matter of fact, I do feel stupid for not realizing that maybe given our history, I shouldn't of contacted my old boss for a PT job. I am kicking myself over it, believe me. I don't know why I thought my husband had moved on from it. My old boss (being that he is a family friend) frequently goes to the same parties as us and they've been friendly with each other and I never foresaw a problem. That's not an excuse...just some background to help you understand a few things.

 

Of course, I'm the one that needs to regain his trust, as I'm the one that lied to him. He asked me the other day what is the extent of my relationship with my old boss. I don't know what compelled my boss to send me that text, honestly. I worked with several men and there was a lot of "locker room" talk in that office. They didn't care that I was around. I didn't demand respect for myself because I didn't want to seem uptight I guess. These men I worked with were all familly or friends of family. I should've quit that job or demanded more respect. Maybe he felt like he could flirt and it would be okay? I don't know.

 

I do want to work this out with my husband. I know what my truth is and I know he's having trouble believing me and I know why. That's fine...he'll never truly know I guess, unless he decides to trust me blindly. I just need advice on how I can make this better for us, as we are both suffering badly right now.

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I think the only way to get through this is to quit working for your old boss and take full responsibility for what happened. By packaging this as a joke done in poor taste, your boss taking advantage of the situation, you being naive, and your attempt to cover up this "misunderstanding" to spare him of getting the wrong idea is demonstrating you are not accepting responsibility for the situation. Worst of all, by accepting new work from your boss proves to your husband you really were not that appalled by the situation or thought about how it may affect him.

 

You have to own it. Meaning, you must understand this was not sexual harassment--it was consensual flirting. Acknowledge by telling your boss "you first," you knew or should have known there was a good chance he was going to take you literally. And admit covering it up was not done to spare your husband of his feelings but to purposefully and deliberately deceive him to hide the fact that you knew you engaged in inappropriate behavior.

 

Most importantly, you need to look for another side job because you need to demonstrate to him that you understand the gravity of the situation. If you really believe now that your boss disrespected you and your relationship, you should not want to work for him. It boils down to having respect for your partner and your relationship.

 

Be accountable and put your husband first; this is the only way to regain his trust.

 

 

OneLov: Thank you! You are absolutely correct in all you said. I really don't have anything else to say but thank you. And I did quit that part time job the minute my husband expressed he wasn't okay with it. I do tend to excuse my mistakes by saying I thought it was a joke, etc...And that's part of the problem.

 

I don't know if this makes a difference in my story, but my boss is a family friend and I know he made a mistake in disrespecting me and my relationship. I talked it over with him 9 years ago that what he did was wrong and that I was sorry for having entertained him. I forgave him too easily, wanting to keep the peace. He never disrespected me again after that incident and I thought "okay, it's buried".

 

I never considered that it wasn't buried for my husband, though. I have so many regrets.

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