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Sex in Marriage - How do you compromise?


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I'm not sure what I'm hoping to get out of this, maybe some insight into how others feel so I can decide if I have a real problem that needs to be addressed or I'm just dealing with something that all married couples go through.

 

To set the stage my wife and I have been married for twenty years, I am 49 and she is 57, we were both married previously and have three children. Our oldest (my daughter) is 28 and no longer at home, she is married and lives elsewhere. My step-daughter is 24 and still lives at home, we have a son together who is 16 and obviously also still lives at home.

 

Like most married couples our sex life started out vigorous and often, about three to four times a week the first two years. After the birth of our son in year four things started a slow but steady decline. I don't want to paint a picture that we are in a sexless marriage, I have read many threads on this site where poor folks have sex like twice a year or something and we are nothing like that. We have sex now twice a month on average, some months maybe once but mostly two seems the magic number these days.

 

My wife's interest in sex has faltered far more than mine, she has battled menopause issues and Rheumatoid Arthritis which have negatively affected her libido. Where I am healthy and still desire sex on a regular basis she has made it clear on a number of occasions that she doesn't really think about it anymore and if I was to get hit by a bus tomorrow would probably never have sex again and be perfectly happy that way.

 

When we do have sex it is generally still pretty good, despite what she says she still seems to enjoy it once we get going. I do find myself almost always being the initiator which makes sense with what I mentioned above though sometimes I find myself longing for her to take the reins. If for no other reason her seducing me would make me feel more wanted, it gets old always having to be the one taking charge.

 

In every other way our marriage seems very good, its always been an easy relationship, our personalities seem to complement each others well and we have a variety of shared interests.

 

Over the last four years or so I have grown increasingly frustrated with our sex life, I could easily still be a three or four times a week guy and that simply doesn't work for her. She thinks twice a month is a compromise, if it was totally up to her it would likely be more like once or twice a year. I understand that she has physical limitations but it can get really depressing not being able to be with her.

 

I have started to wonder recently if the problem might be my own, that I may be hyper-sexual or even addicted to sex in some way. I didn't use to think that but now that I can't count on my wife for regular sex anymore I find that I dwell on it more and more. Between the times we are together I spend a lot of time looking at porn and I self gratify everyday sometimes twice a day. My wife is aware of the porn and she thinks I am just trying to compensate for our lack of sex which is partly true but I think there may be more to it. What usually happens is that her and I have sex and I'm happy, then within a day or two I want to go again and she doesn't so I turn to porn. For the next week I'm generally o.k. with the self gratification but it starts to get old quickly and I long for a true physical connection. From there I start to slowly become more unhappy each day and start to resent my wife who doesn't need sex and seems happy as a clam in everyday life without it. By the time we get to about ten to twelve days or so from the last time we had sex I'm a basket case, angry and withdrawn desperate to be with her. Finally around the two week to three week mark she breaks down and does something for me because she can see I'm very unhappy, then we reset and it starts over.

 

I guess I am wondering if this is normal for long time married couples? I went to a therapist once a year or so ago and mentioned that I thought I could be addicted to sex in some way because I seem to be incapable of being happy without it but he waved me off. According to him just jerking off to porn everyday doesn't make you an addict, even thinking about sex constantly doesn't indicate that unless it has an obvious debilitating affect on your daily life. Since I can still function at work and in public and I'm not chasing hookers and putting my name on Craigslist seeking companionship he indicated that I was a typical frustrated middle-aged married guy and I just had to suck it up like the rest of us.

 

All I know is that I hate this treadmill I am on, I never feel truly happy and given that my wife will never prioritizes sex anymore at the level I desire it would seem I am doomed to always feel that way. At least until my libido finally crashes then maybe I won't care either.

Edited by TexasRob
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BarbedFenceRider

"Suck it up like the rest of us"....Wow. I don't think the way you described your relationship to this point sounds outlandish. You have a good bonding and just want to express that with a healthy sexual attraction to...You guessed it, Your wife! Amazing how that happens. You did state that she does come from a previous marriage. She is now in her late 50s and she just wants a partner for security and financial reasons. Do we call that checked out sexually now? I just don't think you can fully bond in marriage without some sort of intimacy involved. And I don't mean bunko gatherings or long walks in the neighborhood. Geeesh!

Sounds like your wife is now a room mate.....

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She is three years away from sixty.

 

You are eleven years away from sixty.

 

You cannot un-marry her now or un-have a child

with her.

 

When there is a large age gap number the odds

are high that sooner then later that sexual desire

will not match up.

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BarbedFenceRider

My grandparents still went at it like teenagers as I was told by my mom. (uh, okay mom, thanks...) lol Also, I remember transporting at least half a dozen patients in the Geriatric stage due to angina and other maladies from sex...Just sayin'

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She thinks twice a month is a compromise, if it was totally up to her it would likely be more like once or twice a year.

Sounds like she thinks she has already compromised.

 

But if you are really that unhappy then you need to tell her how unhappy you are.

Just pressing her for more sex will turn her off, but if you put your exact feelings on the line, as you have a good relationship otherwise, then she will listen as long as you are not going to dish out ultimatums or threats.

Nothing worse than bitter barbs thrown in her direction or hussy fits, or whiny pleas or the obvious fishing for sex thinly disguised as doing something "nice", like some men do in this situation, all it gets them is less sex than they were already getting... She is not stupid.

 

If she loves you and it she sounds like she does, then she will not want to see you unhappy.

Communicate.

Women tend to like adult communication.

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I guess intellectually I knew that one day our age difference would be more telling, when we were 29 and 37 it didn't seem a big deal, now, different story. I just didn't expect this kind of decline, and that it would affect me so profoundly, I didn't realize how much I would miss the sex until is wasn't on the table anymore. Now I pine for the days when we she used to tempt me into bed with sexy outfits or we would make out on the couch like teenagers during our favorite shows and end up doing it on the floor.

 

I realize those days don't last forever, I'm just not ready to let go and she seems like she already has.

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You want 3x a week. She wants once every two months. You compromise at once every two months, basically. If she's going along more often, she's making a big effort for your sake. Usually these situations default to the frequency of whoever wants it less. Yes, it sucks, and there is rarely a happy solution short or finding a new mate.

 

At her age, it is going to be an effort to get in the mood. Sex may not even occur to her without an external stimulus. Perhaps some hormonal supplements (progesterone, estradiol, and testosterone cream) would help boost her libido, if she's willing to pursue that option with a hormone specialist or endocrinologist.

 

You can try all the usual things - more attention, more romancing, more dates alone as a couple, especially away from home, etc. They may have a temporary effect, unless you are very lucky. Usually, such things end up being enjoyed for themselves, and don't lead to more sex. You won't know unless you try. Good luck! (You'll need it.)

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Carhill -

 

We actually are still relatively affectionate with each other, she still kisses me when she comes home from work everyday and likes to cuddle with me on the couch when we watch T.V. She likes to hold hands in public when we go for walks so all that kind of thing is still there. Heck she will even still flirt with me quite often but that can be a two edged sword, back in the day the flirting led at least half the time to something more, now it generally doesn't mean anything. Sometimes it ticks me off that she will flirt with me and get my hopes up and then come bedtime just come in and roll over and go right to sleep.

 

I'm like - "Hey weren't you just flashing your breasts at me while I was brushing my teeth and talking about how much I must like them and then - nothing?"

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I’ve always been very skeptical of a couple being able to talk their way out of a mismatch in sexual desires. Mostly, because a person can’t just turn up their sexual desire on demand.

 

If you go to your wife and tell her everything that you shared with us, what can she do with that information? She can have sex with you more often, but it will be unwanted on her end. She’ll essentially be performing a duty. And you’ll then realize she is only having sex with you because you are pushing it on her, but that will ruin things for you because you will want a willing and enthusiastic partner in bed, not a duty f*** that feels like you are masturbating with a lifeless doll.

 

In my opinion, your two options are to “suck it up” like the therapist told you or you can leave the marriage and find a partner with a similar sex drive.

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Central -

 

We touched on the idea of hormone therapy but she is reluctant and I can't blame her, her mother did that kind of thing when her libido died and she ended up getting breast cancer later which the doctors blamed on the therapy. The same thing happened to her Aunt who died from cancer the year we met so I understand her fear and would never force that on her.

 

We do date nights on occasion, sometimes it leads to sex sometimes not, I try not to force the issue one way or the other but I will admit given my higher libido I'm disappointed when it doesn't. At the end of the day I guess I get jealous of the fact that she can lead her life without sex and be perfectly happy and content while I am miserable more often that not.

 

That leads me back to this thought that there is something wrong with me, why can't I be happy when I'm not having regular sex with my spouse? It doesn't seem to bother her and I have friends that I have confided in who think twice a month is dandy and don't understand what I'm complaining about.

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todreaminblue
My grandparents still went at it like teenagers as I was told by my mom. (uh, okay mom, thanks...) lol Also, I remember transporting at least half a dozen patients in the Geriatric stage due to angina and other maladies from sex...Just sayin'

 

 

smilin...lol...ahem...love this post had to repeat it...by the time i find my guy who will be mine for life i might be geriatric i do reckon in that walkers could be used as props if you put some silk ribbons on them....

 

hey op....do you have regular date nights.......two times a month.....to me isnt a compromise.......deb

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BarbedFenceRider

except I could see where OP does communicate with the wifey and tell her how she makes him feel. And he wants to express that to her. Why doesn't she want to be with him? If it is a round about statement about age or doesn't need it...Then you can see that she just doesn't see him as the partner she married. Just a room mate. I can see that "duty-sex" is also gross. Partners who lay there are just as bad as anything else. Very emasculating.

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Be_Strong -

 

Yeah that is kind of the ridiculous part though isn't it, I love most everything about my wife except for the lack of sexual intimacy so if I went looking for another partner what would that ad look like on the internet -

 

WANTED - A woman who is exactly like my current wife but likes sex - Thanks

 

Just seeing it spelled out makes me feel even worse.

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After thinking about this some more, I think you should approach your wife and ask her if there is anything that she thinks YOU could do to increase her desire to have sex with you. It’s less confrontational that way and instead of coming across as a demand that she has sex with you more, it comes across as an offer from you to do more for her.

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OP, is your spouse in constant pain from the RA?

 

Since sex is apparently sparse, how does she communicate her love for you to you? You to her?

 

I get the libido thing. It's real. What I'm trying to reconcile is, accepted, one avenue of expressing love, care and intimacy is diminished but that still leaves a world of interactions to express your marital love for each other.

 

Does the lack of sex in the bedroom leak out of the bedroom? If yes, how? Examples? One I've commonly seen is the sexually denied partner doing a quid pro quo with emotional intimacy, cutting that off or souring the milk. Does that apply? No? What?

 

Do you want a compromise? Does your spouse? Are you/she willing to look at the larger picture of marital intimacy as part and parcel of that compromise?

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except I could see where OP does communicate with the wifey and tell her how she makes him feel. And he wants to express that to her. Why doesn't she want to be with him? If it is a round about statement about age or doesn't need it...Then you can see that she just doesn't see him as the partner she married. Just a room mate. I can see that "duty-sex" is also gross. Partners who lay there are just as bad as anything else. Very emasculating.

 

She has rheumatoid arthritis, that is often a very painful, debilitating and tiring condition.

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todreaminblue
Be_Strong -

 

Yeah that is kind of the ridiculous part though isn't it, I love most everything about my wife except for the lack of sexual intimacy so if I went looking for another partner what would that ad look like on the internet -

 

WANTED - A woman who is exactly like my current wife but likes sex - Thanks

 

Just seeing it spelled out makes me feel even worse.

 

dont feel bad because you want to share love making with your wife more often....i can tell from your post you want her to enjoy your lovemaking too......have you tried date nights time away from home just you and her....?.deb

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Carhill -

 

I think you could argue that she still shows love for me in other ways, she is still a relatively affectionate wife and we have fun together doing shared activities that we both enjoy. I do admit that her idea of showing love and affection and mine have always been a bit different. She had always been more about "acts of service" as she puts it, cooking, helping clean, taking out the garbage without being reminded etc. All of which I do, she really doesn't like gifts or grand gestures, she thinks they say more about the giver than the person getting them.

 

I, on the other hand, am almost exactly the opposite, I love a nice gift and a grand gesture would not go amiss. I have reconciled over the years that she is not one to do those things, she is one of the worst gift givers I have ever met. She is a very practical person and tends to give people things she would want or would be useful by her definition so prepare yourself for socks and sweaters at Christmas.

 

Like I said in my earlier post as the days between sexual encounters go on and I become more restless and embittered I do tend to become grumpy and withdrawn. I try not to be that way because I realize that only pushes her away but it is a measure of how desperately I need to feel that sexual intimacy that it becomes so emotionally difficult for me to go without. That is why I ask the question about the normalcy of those feelings, sometimes I feel like a drug addict who can only go so long without his "fix" and then he becomes unstable.

 

Where the RA becomes a problem isn't so much the pain, she actually functions well on her medications, its the side affects that cause more problems in finding time for intimacy. She doesn't like to take her RA meds during the week because they make her tired and listless so she usually waits until Friday night, which makes her tired and listless on the weekends instead so we run into this conundrum -

 

Monday - Thursday - "Want to have sex?" "No, too tired and stressed from work"

Friday - "Want to have sex?" "Sorry, took my meds and I'm so tired now"

Saturday - "Want to have sex?" "Sorry meds still kicking my ass, need to go to bed early tonight"

 

Sunday - Pray she doesn't start worrying about work on Monday.

Edited by TexasRob
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todreaminblue
Carhill -

 

I think you could argue that she still shows love for me in other ways, she is still a relatively affectionate wife and we have fun together doing shared activities that we both enjoy. I do admit that her idea of showing love and affection and mine have always been a bit different. She had always been more about "acts of service" as she puts it, cooking, helping clean, taking out the garbage without being reminded etc. All of which I do, she really doesn't like gifts or grand gestures, she thinks they say more about the giver than the person getting them.

 

I, on the other hand, am almost exactly the opposite, I love a nice gift and a grand gesture would not go amiss. I have reconciled over the years that she is not one to do those things, she is one of the worst gift givers I have ever met. She is a very practical person and tends to give people things she would want or would be useful by her definition so prepare yourself for socks and sweaters at Christmas.

 

Like I said in my earlier post as the days between sexual encounters go on and I become more restless and embittered I do tend to become grumpy and withdrawn. I try not to be that way because I realize that only pushes her away but it is a measure of how desperately I need to feel that sexual intimacy that it becomes so emotionally difficult for me to go without. That is why I ask the question about the normalcy of those feelings, sometimes I feel like a drug addict who can only go so long without his "fix" and then he becomes unstable.

 

i dont think you are a sex addict.....my ex is.........what defines a sex addict to me is a man or woman who causes harm to their partner by cheating to get more sex.....

 

my ex was hyper sexual ...we were together fifteen years....we had sex a lot......in the first five years......it wasnt unusual for us to have sex twice a day sometimes three times a night..in the last ten .....it was pretty much every day ..if not twice..we were intense together......

 

.i am hyper sexual in a relationship but thats where i stop....i dont go outside a relationship I am in which is common to sex addicts to stray..my ex went outside our relationship even though i had denied him once in fifteen years.....

 

i think you need to have a heart to heart with your wife not because you are a sex addict at all...but because your needs are going unmet...and a more mutual compromise be discussed....would your wife consider taking up yoga.......deb

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Thanks Deb -

 

I agree that I need to talk with her more about this issue though we have discussed it quite a bit in the past and it doesn't really change things much. At the end of the day as another poster pointed out it is the one who wants it least who tends to get their way.

 

She thinks twice a month is a good compromise but its not close to what I would be comfortable with in terms of frequency. I wish sometimes I had recognized this about myself before we married. I actually feel sorry for my wife being married to a hyper-sexual man who craves sex with her the way I do and gets grumpy and withdrawn when he doesn't get it. I can imagine it must be hard on her to know I want her in that way but be unable to make herself want it to.

 

I assume you mean do yoga for the RA? She tried that early on but got away from it because she was so tired in the evenings and didn't want to go after a long day at work, maybe I could try to talk her into going back.

Edited by TexasRob
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todreaminblue
Thanks Deb -

 

I agree that I need to talk with her more about this issue though we have discussed it quite a bit in the past and it doesn't really change things much. At the end of the day as another poster pointed out it is the one who wants it least who tends to get their way.

 

She thinks twice a month is a good compromise but its not close to what I would be comfortable with in terms of frequency. I wish sometimes I had recognized this about myself before we married. I actually feel sorry for my wife being married to a hyper-sexual man who craves sex with her the way I do and gets grumpy and withdrawn when he doesn't get it. I can imagine it must be hard on her to know I want her in that way but be unable to make herself want it to.

 

I assume you mean do yoga for the RA? She tried that early on but go away from it because she was so tired in the evenings and didn't want to go after a long day at work, maybe I could try to talk her into going back.

 

i think yoga might help....do you have a pool near you? water therapy....walking in water and exercising in water.........what about if you did couples yoga......could become spicy...:0) if getting to venues is hard after work what about in the privacy of your own home... take a couple of classes get the basics down pat..... then get some dvds.....suggestion number one... never drink and yoga...

 

 

when was the last romantic interlude your wife and you had together that physical intimacy ended the night...what does turn your wife on.....and last date night was when?

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Sorry to read about your post. Your marriage sort of sounds like mine though we are 10+ years younger.

 

It's very hard to be in a marriage like that and continue to be happy.

 

I am and have been actively looking for a new lover and am looking to leave my wife because of it. Hopefully the marriage changes or someone new materializes.

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Hey TexasRob,

 

I am a few years your junior (33) and my wife is 13 years older than me. I've documented my own problems which are seemingly a lot more comprehensive than yours - hence my thread was not strictly related to sex. Sex has been a big problem in our marriage though. Our (non-sexual) compatibility seems a fair way off compared to yours. It's good to read that at the very least the rest of your relationship is pretty good. Like you, I had my first at age 21 with my wife. My wife also had 2 kids from a previous relationship so we have 4 kids all up, including our daughter who is 7. I don't know about you, but for me having the step kids and our own has been a challenge. Her kids are pretty good really, but even good kids pose as an ongoing challenge in many ways.

 

Communication is one of our biggest problems. People often think that the age difference is a big deal when it isnt. When you year back all the layers, we as people see the world very similarly. From our political, social and ethical standpoint, we are very in sync. All of those alignments transcend generations hence age gaps bot being a factor. It's our application of our values which translates to our actions where there is a misalignment. It's that which commincation underpins - something which wouldn't change one iota if we were the same age or if she was even 13 years my junior.

 

Most of your feelings on sex and lack of it mirror mine. I can only last so long before I get really agitated and feel like emotionally withdrawing. Releiving yourself only works for so long before you crave the touch of your significant other. When they doll out all the excuses it can start to really get you down. I only had this discussion a few nights ago with my wife. Long story short, she says that she has too much going on in her head to even think about sex. She does handle all of the kid's stuff while I work, but sometimes it feels like she takes on additional responsibilities for people and the like just to have an outlet to avoid sex.

 

I'm also worried about the age gap and sex when she gets to 50+ years old. I could potentially still be in my 30s when she starts going through menopause. I have heard that some women's sex drive can pick up post-menopause so that is what I hope happens. By the time she goes through menopause, the kids might be old enough to be relatively independent. Her older 2 kids pretty much are now. I know that post-menopause sexual desire increase is perhaps unlikely in your wife's case because, even if it were to somehow happen that her libido increased, physically she probably won't desire thw act any more than she already does due to her RA.

 

All I can say is good luck my friend. I wish you all the best and it's good to know that other men feel almost exactly the same way I feel when lacking a frequent and fulfilling sex life.

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I think you have hit a new normal. Her body is not trying to reproduce so has settled in and having sex is a reward for you for the years in the past. Giving you some pleasure is her reward. That ritual sex has hit twice a month is better than many

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