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Sex in Marriage - How do you compromise?


Marriage & Life Partnerships Debunking the old-ball-and-chain stereotype one couple at a time.

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Old 13th December 2017, 3:49 PM   #46
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Originally Posted by wmacbride View Post
Um, yeah.

When I rad this, all I could think was maybe if the sex was a bit better, the woman might want it more.

I don't think this is what's going on with the op.He sounds like he is trying to make it good for her too. The thing is that if it is painful due to her RA, there may not be much he can do.
I agree with you. Frankly it somewhat concerns me that anyone could enjoy having sex with a partner who clearly isn't enjoying themselves and is just doing it to appease them. (Not saying the OP does, but just the poster you quoted). There cannot possibly be any "bond" or true intimacy with that kind of sex.

I do think the OP's wife should be more open towards foreplay and other things that don't hurt her, though. There are lots of ways that two willing participants can work around RA, but the key word here is "two". He can't really do anything to make sex better for her if she's unwilling to communicate about what she needs or to try anything new.
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Old 13th December 2017, 3:54 PM   #47
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OP,
with her RA, is she getting her blood tests done regularly? Some meds. for it can really do a number on your red blood cells, leaving you feeling really bad.

I do hope you two can find a way through this. It sounds like you both love each other a lot.
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Old 13th December 2017, 4:38 PM   #48
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Originally Posted by wmacbride View Post
Um, yeah.

When I rad this, all I could think was maybe if the sex was a bit better, the woman might want it more.

I don't think this is what's going on with the op.He sounds like he is trying to make it good for her too. The thing is that if it is painful due to her RA, there may not be much he can do.
That may be true but again, he has said that she does not take good care of herself despite her RA and eats things that only prove to aggravate her symptoms rather than heal them.

This speaks to my earlier point that many women, once they get to a certain point in their lives be it age or when they start having to deal with hormonal and/or physical issues, give up and shut down rather than fight tooth and nail to reclaim their vitality, not just for their partner and relationship but for themselves most importantly.

The message she is sending, whether it's right or wrong, is that HE is not a priority, neither is their sex life. If they were, she would do everything her power to do whatever was necessary to feel better and therefore be open to being intimate with her hubby more than just once a month, if he's lucky.

And before anyone gets their knickers in a twist that I'm shaming wives, this goes for men too. Men aren't immune to checking out early in their relationships. I married a man with a basket full of 'issues' that severely affected our sex life for years.

It can be a total mindf*ck for those of us on the receiving end of things.

I have a real hard time feeling sorry for people, man or women, who cry about whatever issues they have in their life that bleed into their relationship but do the bare minimum to help themselves or their situation.

When you're married, it's no longer just about you. You have someone else to think about too.
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Old 13th December 2017, 4:55 PM   #49
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I think in general it should be a two way street where effort and understanding is present on both sides. To answer the question in the thread title more generally... the SO and I generally have somewhat similar libidos, but as is the norm in LTRs, it fluctuates on both sides. Sometimes he wants it more often, sometimes I do.

For us, the general principle is that neither of us will ever pressure the other or make a big deal out of it if they decline sex at a particular time. But this is also balanced out by the fact that we will always tackle issues that we are facing in the bedroom together and put in the effort to have good sex, rather than letting our sex life dwindle. There have been times that I wasn't really feeling it, but let him carry on anyway. This isn't because of fear or duty or whatever (which would get old real quick), but rather because I know that he will do everything in his power to get me into the mood and to lead me to the screaming, shaking finish. I am usually not disappointed.
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Old 13th December 2017, 5:08 PM   #50
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wmacbride - Thanks for your kind replies, it sounds like my wife and your husband are on the same mix of drugs but I think in our case my wife's RA is less severe than your husbands. The medications seem to work well for her and her pain is minimal most of the time, she gets regular blood tests and her doctor tracks her liver functions carefully. They do leave her listless and tired the first 24 to 48 hours after she takes them though which as I mentioned is usually on Friday night. This means she almost always struggles on the weekends. It makes sense from a financial standpoint for her to take her meds then since she is the primary breadwinner in our family and her job is more important than mine so she needs to be sharp for work. It does, however, often have a negative impact on intimacy between the two of us.

Its a tough subject to communicate about, when I get grumpy and withdrawn she sometimes gets angry with me and will say from her point of view I give her the feeling that "If you can't put your dick in me than I'm useless to you, our marriage just boils down to a **** or you can't be happy, we should be more than that to each other"

I don't disagree with her, our marriage should be more than just the bedroom and I think realistically it is, we have a lot more between us than just sex and have for a long time. It has just been in the last five years or so when the disparity has started to grow so much larger that I have become dissatisfied. I wish I could be happy with twice a month, I really do, for her sake as well as mine. I may try offering her couples counseling again, we have tried it before but it was a mixed bag. The counselor would often tell me I would need to accept that my wife is aging faster than me and has physical problems I don't have so I need to find other things to focus on than sex. She suggested taking up a hobby or volunteer work for instance. I tried that, took up Astronomy, I now own three telescopes and have some wonderful photo's of Saturn and Jupiter if anyone is interested. It didn't make my longing for sex go away though, I just dwell on it staring at the sky instead of the T.V.

Maybe I should just quit to, let myself get fat and out of shape, let my health decline and then maybe my sex drive would finally crap out and I wouldn't care about it anymore either.
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Old 13th December 2017, 5:13 PM   #51
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Being the primary breadwinner is a big responsibility especially for someone suffering from chronic pain. I wouldn't be surprised if her low sex drive was related to that Would there be a possibility of you stepping up a bit in that aspect to relieve some of that pressure from her?
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Old 13th December 2017, 5:29 PM   #52
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Elswyth - That is not a bad suggestion but not really realistic, I make a decent living, I am the manager of the IT Network and LAN Server department for a major university. Since it is academia it doesn't pay as well as it would in the private sector but the benefits are good. My wife works for a private company in an executive capacity and makes about twice what I do. I make up for my end by taking on more of the household duties, I do most of the cooking since I tend to get home earlier than her. I clean the kitchen every night whether she cooks or I do so she can get some extra rest. When the kids were younger I was the one who drove them to activites and stayed home when they were sick. I do the laundry on the weekends except for her clothes because most of them are dry clean only and she is picky about how the rest get washed and folded. I vacuum and dust and pickup around the house every night before I go to bed so she doesn't have to mess with it. I try to make her life as easy as I can, most nights while I'm folding laundry and running around the house picking up she is parked in front of the computer on Facebook (that woman loves her some Facebook that's for sure)

Are jobs are both stressful in their own ways, mine is more flexible on hours than hers so that is why I became the more domestic one.
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Old 13th December 2017, 5:47 PM   #53
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OP. Use search function on this site. Frequency is discussed a lot. Some peeps on here are in relationships where they haven't slept together for years. My own situation is about once every 8 or 10 weeks. All depends on her bad moods. You are getting it better than some on here.

The downward spiral comes when you just start giving up asking or initiating sex because you can't be bothered to deal with the drama and fights anymore. That's where I am at in my life. I psych myself into believing we are room mates with kids and occasional ly have sex. It's either that or constantly fight about it.
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Old 13th December 2017, 5:48 PM   #54
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Could she be depressed?
Depression tends to kill libido

Quote:
People with rheumatoid arthritis (RA) are about twice as likely to be depressed as people without this inflammatory autoimmune disease.
11 Rheumatoid Arthritis and Depression Facts - Health
She is 57 and facing a chronic disease that may disable her or even kill her prematurely. That can't be easy for her.
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Old 13th December 2017, 6:30 PM   #55
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No not depressed I'm afraid, when we went to counseling together they evaluated both of us for depression and she was deemed fine. Oddly enough I was diagnosed as clinically depressed and they put me on WellButrin, I've been taking a low dose ever since. Our counselor felt like a lot of my issues came from my previous marriage, my ex-wife cheated on me constantly and was emotionally and physically abusive, I only stayed with her as long as I did because of our daughter. After our divorce and many years later she was diagnosed as severely bi-polar, today she is medicated and happily remarried with two children by her second husband so good for her I guess.
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Old 13th December 2017, 6:31 PM   #56
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The message she is sending, whether it's right or wrong, is that HE is not a priority, neither is their sex life. If they were, she would do everything her power to do whatever was necessary to feel better and therefore be open to being intimate with her hubby more than just once a month, if he's lucky.

^^This. As many has said, age isn't the factor. The RA while an issue isn't a deal breaker. But she still works...She still has this huge life that she gets tired from...

He is rewarded with holding hands? WTF...Thats **** testing. Then asking for medication to essentially medically castrate him? Really?? That's cute. Lets poison dear hubby.

He is the safety net, room mate. She needs to do a lot better acknowledging his position in this family if she truly values having a husband.
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Old 13th December 2017, 7:07 PM   #57
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Originally Posted by BarbedFenceRider View Post
The message she is sending, whether it's right or wrong, is that HE is not a priority, neither is their sex life. If they were, she would do everything her power to do whatever was necessary to feel better and therefore be open to being intimate with her hubby more than just once a month, if he's lucky.

^^This. As many has said, age isn't the factor. The RA while an issue isn't a deal breaker. But she still works...She still has this huge life that she gets tired from...

He is rewarded with holding hands? WTF...Thats **** testing. Then asking for medication to essentially medically castrate him? Really?? That's cute. Lets poison dear hubby.

He is the safety net, room mate. She needs to do a lot better acknowledging his position in this family if she truly values having a husband.
i agree with your post i read the post about op getting meds...and i really hope that she doesn't understand that what she suggested is actually that medication is chemical castration to lower levels of testosterone...it happens with anti psychotics leaving impotency as the most common side effect you just cant turn it off..these drugs need to be taken on a regular basis orally or by three month injection and impotency is very common its one reason why it is schizophrenic males refuse to take meds....or stop taking them......

ops wife seems almost cavalier about intimacy....leaving it on his shoulders to bare with lack there of....

and being married is also about maintaining intimacy mutually.......i feel for the wife.....i feel for op....i hope they can work this out...i feel she is the one who actually needs professional help....the marriage should come first.....before work...before kids....because if the marriage is strong in all aspects ...life and everything else is in proper perspective.....

i am a big girl....and there are ways to have sex where pain levels or uncomfortable positions can be less so...having sex in water is one way...theres always a way to compromise....and she doesnt seem willing......i hope op doesnt go the medication route...that would be tragic....he isnt a sex offender who deserves to be chemically castrated...it is a horrible
f......ed up solution.......deb
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Old 13th December 2017, 11:12 PM   #58
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Elswyth - That is not a bad suggestion but not really realistic, I make a decent living, I am the manager of the IT Network and LAN Server department for a major university. Since it is academia it doesn't pay as well as it would in the private sector but the benefits are good. My wife works for a private company in an executive capacity and makes about twice what I do. I make up for my end by taking on more of the household duties, I do most of the cooking since I tend to get home earlier than her. I clean the kitchen every night whether she cooks or I do so she can get some extra rest. When the kids were younger I was the one who drove them to activites and stayed home when they were sick. I do the laundry on the weekends except for her clothes because most of them are dry clean only and she is picky about how the rest get washed and folded. I vacuum and dust and pickup around the house every night before I go to bed so she doesn't have to mess with it. I try to make her life as easy as I can, most nights while I'm folding laundry and running around the house picking up she is parked in front of the computer on Facebook (that woman loves her some Facebook that's for sure)

Are jobs are both stressful in their own ways, mine is more flexible on hours than hers so that is why I became the more domestic one.
You sound like a very decent fellow. I could probably learn a thing or 2 from the message you are sending. Housework is one of those areas I struggle routinely to do my share. I do work long hours with a long commite in a fairly physical job, so I'm pretty tired when I get home. The problem is I don't earn enough to buy my way out of household chores. I definitely think that fact hurts my chances of sex. Sad but true. All things being equal I think couples with more money have more sex as there's a lot less stress overall in the relationship.
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Old 13th December 2017, 11:25 PM   #59
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OP,
If your wife is taking methotrexate, from what I understand, you only take it once a week. for the next few days, you feel like crap ( it's the same drug used to treat some forms of cancer).

Something you might want to suggest to your wife is medical cannabis with high CBD levels. It really helps with pain, inflammation and can also lift your spirits. Since the THC levels can be very low, it won't make her "high", but the pain relief can be wonderful, and it doesn't leave you feeling nasty.
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Old 14th December 2017, 5:40 AM   #60
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Elswyth - That is not a bad suggestion but not really realistic, I make a decent living, I am the manager of the IT Network and LAN Server department for a major university. Since it is academia it doesn't pay as well as it would in the private sector but the benefits are good. My wife works for a private company in an executive capacity and makes about twice what I do. I make up for my end by taking on more of the household duties, I do most of the cooking since I tend to get home earlier than her. I clean the kitchen every night whether she cooks or I do so she can get some extra rest. When the kids were younger I was the one who drove them to activites and stayed home when they were sick. I do the laundry on the weekends except for her clothes because most of them are dry clean only and she is picky about how the rest get washed and folded. I vacuum and dust and pickup around the house every night before I go to bed so she doesn't have to mess with it. I try to make her life as easy as I can, most nights while I'm folding laundry and running around the house picking up she is parked in front of the computer on Facebook (that woman loves her some Facebook that's for sure)

Are jobs are both stressful in their own ways, mine is more flexible on hours than hers so that is why I became the more domestic one.
Ah, okay, fair point. Yes, in that case it does sound like both of you are trying to do your best re: supporting your family, just in different ways. I do think that if your wife is working a high-stress job (most executives I know are extremely stressed), it is natural that it may affect her libido.

On the flip side, most executives also make a good amount of money. Is an early retirement (or at least partial retirement) for her an option if you two save up some?

Is she up for having a "date night" every Saturday or something like that?
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