Getting all my ducks in a row...

[emmab219]

Hi everyone! Thanks to everyone's great support here, I've been making tiny steps to better myself and my situation.

 

The only problem is that I'm still not sure I'm making the right choices, and I'm still not sure if my marriage is worth saving or not. Things are constantly shifting between good and bad, depending on the day of the week.

 

I can't even talk to my alcoholic husband about his drinking anymore because he just gets defensive and says he is doing much better. Maybe in his mind he is, but he doesn't get that it's not enough for me. Sure, maybe he is drinking less but it is still excessive. He tried not to drink during the week anymore but it never succeeds and he binges on the weekends. For example, he drank an entire bottle of Crown Royal on his own between Saturday and Monday...Crown he had bought for me because he drank the small bottle I had purchased to share with a friend one night during the Thanksgiving holiday.

 

Monday he finished off the one or two shots that were left in the bottle after I went to bed. Tuesday he didn't drink. Wednesday he drank a six-pack of Christmas ales and the one beer I was saving for myself for Thursday night. He replaced my beer he drank, but then was asking if he could have some of them! I said no, and thankfully he listened. All the beers were accounted for in the morning. I drink maybe one beer a week for myself, on Thursday nights. He hasn't come to bed with me except two or three times this week, and all those times it was him crawling into bed after midnight. And I've said this before, I don't want to make him come to bed if he isn't tired but my entire life I imagined marriage to be going to bed with someone and having that time together...we still haven't had sex since early September. Maybe even August.

 

I'm also still worried about his weight gain...over 50 pounds. And this sounds awful, but I'm not as attracted to him as I once was so even if he ever did try to initiate sex, I don't know that I would be interested...I get working out is hard to do. Especially when he gets home around 7pm after working all day long. But I really want him to try.

 

I guess I just keep telling myself that things aren't that bad. That it could be worse and he doesn't deserve me leaving him. I still love him very much, and there are still many days where I enjoy his company. But something just feels so off between us anymore. There isn't the same connection that there used to be. The dynamic is all wrong.

 

Last night, I found a therapist in my area to make an appointment with and wrote down several divorce attorneys in the hopes of getting a consultation. This morning I started researching apartments close by and emailed one asked for more details...I even made a budget to see if I could afford living on my own and I think I can.

 

He doesn't know any of this....which makes me feel worse. I've told him I'm unhappy, and I think he can sense that. Yet I can't voice how I feel or what I'm thinking without upsetting him or getting called an *******. I do make insensitive remarks sometimes, dropping hints about leaving, and I know I shouldn't. I just don't know what to do and I'm scared. This man has been seven years of my life, almost my entire twenties.

 

I keep making plans to leave and pushing them aside because I don't know if it's the right choice, and I don't know if I can actually do it. I don't want to make a mistake and realize it too late. I don't even know how to have the conversation with him about all of this anymore. We fight and then nothing changes. If I even utter the word 'separation' or 'divorce' I'm worried about what will happen, about him blaming me and being the bad guy and I love him so much so I don't want to hurt him.

 

But I keep thinking I'm still pretty young...twenty-eight isn't too late to start over, right? I don't know. I just wanted to get some more off my chest, say I'm making my plans, but am still unsure every single day if I'm doing the right thing.

 

Thanks for reading, everyone.

[lucy_in_disguise]

Of course 28 is not too old to start over... There is no such thing as too old if the relationship is no longer acceptable for you.

 

Not that you need to justify you decision to anyone, but choosing not to stay married to an alcoholic is a perfectly reasonable choice.

 

If you are still on the fence about it, one thing I'd suggest is being more clear about your boundaries. If you truly believe he is an alcoholic (and from what you have posted, it sounds like he is) you need to make it clear that the only option that is acceptable is that he stops drinking completely. I think anything short of this would result in continued resentment as you continue counting his drinks and comparing them to an unstated/ undefined norm.

 

You can't make him agree to this, but he may open to it if he realizes the alternative is divorce. If he is at all open to trying this, he is going to need a lot of support. I would suggest you quit as well in solidarity as having alcohol around the house and having a different set of standards apply to you would be tough. AA or another program or some therapy could also be helpful.

 

You would also need to recognize that he is recovering from a disease- this may mean putting your other issues (like the weight gain and lack of sex) on hold while he deals with this.

 

Only you can decide if it's worth it. But I think the alcohol dependency is a big issue and he will need to agree to seek help for you to consider staying.

Edited December 8, 2017 by lucy_in_disguise

[BluesPower]

Listen...

 

If you are counting beers it has already gone too far.

 

You have to decide if you can be married to an alcoholic. If not you need to leave.

 

That may shock him into getting straight but don't count on it.

 

I have lived with a drug addict and they will never get sober until they are ready and some of them are never ready. Same with alcohol.

 

You need to make a decision...

[MJJean]

You're married to an alcoholic. Alcoholics can't drink. Ever. At all. So, really, he isn't "doing better" when it comes to his alcoholism if he's still drinking.

 

Do you want to have children some day? If so, do you want them raised by an alcoholic is a sham marriage? No? Then you need to leave.

[1fish2fish]

The active drinking is only part of the problem of alcoholism. Alcoholics would rather numb than feel, and alcohol is the tool they choose to not have to deal with their emotions.

 

Even if he does quit drinking, he's going to interact with people and have the some thoughts, attitudes and behaviors as when he was drinking. This is what the term "dry drunk" means. And, it's the number one cause of relapse.

 

This is why he can't just cut down OR even stop drinking. He also needs therapy/AA to reprogram his thought and behavioral patterns. On average, it takes at least 2 years before an alcoholic learns how to have emotionally healthy, loving relationships, and that's with AA plus therapy.

 

If he does choose to seek outside help with his addiction, look into Alanon for yourself because you're going to need the support...assuming you decide to stay with him.

 

Wishing you the best with whatever you decide!