Struggling with wife's moods

[The Dark Side]

Hi,

 

Let me start by saying that I love my wife massively and I have no doubt that I play a significant role in what I'm about to say.

 

I married my wife recently after being colleagues and flirting for a number of years, we started a relationship and were married in about a year.

Now the reason for my post is that she has very bad moods whenever I disagree with a choice she has made. She often makes the choices without consulting me first, to allow us to discuss them and find a resolution. For example, she will arrange weekends with family or friends and then tell me what the plans are, and that I can come along or not (I'm quite protective of our time together at weekends as we don't get any time together in the week), or that she has decided to get a second job at weekends (cash is quite tight currently).

It's not that I don't always agree, but I feel that I should be consulted with in the plan making.

 

When I don't agree and try to voice my feelings or concerns (and I appreciate that I'm not the best communicator in the world, but I do stay calm and try to be objective) she will go into a mood and go out for hours. She will also put the phone down on me if I'm trying to talk about it. Stop any communication, go into a silent mode and blank me. We can go to bed not speaking and when I, calmly, try to speak to her the following morning, I will still be blanked/ignored.

This can even happen when I'm trying to do something for her.

 

Having tried to learn from this I have tried different tactics, such as: leaving her alone, talking to her, not voicing my opinion, buying flowers and chocolates, saying sorry, not saying sorry, but I still end up in the same situation.

 

This happens quite regularly, maybe once a month on average and after the most recent one (last night, still waiting for her to wake up to see what today brings), I'm feeling a bit lost as to where I go from here.

 

Thanks in advance for your advice.

 

TDS

[Chilli]

Yeah , , but really , once a mth isn't too bad as far as the plans go, if it was every wkend that would be a pain.

But with the way she acts , hmm. dunno. l know what some will say though.

But it also sounds like she's a bit stuck in her ways, def' doesn't like having to explain herself. was she single a long time before you got together ?

[The Dark Side]

She was single for about a year before me, couple of LTR's before that. Rest of your reply I agree with

[elaine567]

Are you actively making plans for things to do with your wife at the weekends or is the diary blank and you are assuming she will be hanging around with you ?

I guess it is blank, so she then decides to fill it up with plans as there is nothing else booked.

If there is nothing else booked in, then of course she is going to be peeved when you then attempt to scupper the plans she has made.

Arranging to meet family and friends is not a crime, she is obviously not a woman who wants to sit about doing nothing so she is filling up her social calendar and keeping in touch with her nearest and dearest. She is not excluding you either, she is happy for you to come along.

I don't really think people need to consult their partner every time before making plans to see friends and family unless it is a big trip away, but I think you need to be more active in making plans with her so she knows what your plans are.

 

Some people are happy plodding along spending every free moment with their SO one on one, but others like to be more social.

I guess you are the former and she is the latter.

[jjgitties]

No advice I can give you. Some women are like that. Thats their way they show displeasure with you voicing your opinions in a matter they didn't really want your opinion on.

 

What I dont understand is why are you arguing with her over what she has planned out for you on the weekend? Did you have something else planned to do already? If you did, just tell her as soon as you plan it so she doesnt plan other stuff out.

 

FWIW.. in my case, in my marriage no one consults me on anything that is going on in the weekends. I am informed that this or that will happen. I bail if I have to work or have other things to do like rehersals. But my point is, my approval is not required for the spouse to arrange and plan our attending kids birthday parties or family functions. I just show up if its planned.

[elaine567]

FWIW.. in my case, in my marriage no one consults me on anything that is going on in the weekends. I am informed that this or that will happen. I bail if I have to work or have other things to do like rehersals. But my point is, my approval is not required for the spouse to arrange and plan our attending kids birthday parties or family functions. I just show up if its planned.

 

Yes.

It seems to me that women often control the social calendar and men just show up, I guess quite happy they didn't have to go to the trouble of planning anything.

[BaileyB]

Your wife is inconsiderate and she needs to learn how to communicate. The silent treatment is not a very effective form of communication or conflict resolution...

 

Will she go to marriage counselling with you? I think you need to tell her how this makes you feel and she needs to develop better skills - but, she needs to agree that her behavior is a problem and want to do things differently...

Edited December 2, 2017 by BaileyB

[GemmaUK]

I don't understand why seeing friends/family once a month is a problem.

 

It's a normal part of being a couple.

It never phased me when my ex would say, 'Mum called and she's invited us for dinner on Sunday'. I would do the same too with my Dad.

Neither of us needed to ask, it wasn't required.

 

If it was every single weekend of seeing the same people it would be an issue but once a month you expect to have a catch up with others.

[salparadise]

Two problems. First is different expectations as to when it's okay to make unilateral decisions on booking weekend time. Is this the only circumstance that causes such a reaction? Do you reserve the right to make unilateral decision without allowing her to do the same? Do you consult her before making plans? If the two of you can agree on guidelines as to what needs to be discussed first it might help neutralize this particular trigger.

 

But my guess is that it's not so much the practicality as that she is perceiving your objection as invalidating criticism, which she is quite sensitive to. If you're delivering the objection as criticism, some sort of reaction is understandable. I do think she is overreacting and using the silent treatment as a trump card to win an emotional conflict rather than communicating... saying how she feels and discussing it productively. This withdrawing and use of silent treatment is unfair and only escalates the emotional conflict.

 

Someone who defaults to these kinds of tactic probably has deeper issues that need to be worked on. How will she react when you disagree about a larger issue that is really important? It's a behavior she has integrated and defaults to, and I am nearly certain that it's not exclusive to this situation.

 

You need to communicate in a way that doesn't sound like direct, personal criticism. Use "I" statements –– do not say, "You" do this or that. Say "I feel..." and stick to using feeling words that are not incendiary.

 

I think some counseling is in order.

[Hoosfoos]

She is stonewalling. This is classic power tripping behavior and a high predictor of divorce. It is one of Gottman's "4 Horsemen of Relationship Failure". She has likely been using this behavior as a coping mechanism since childhood.

 

 

 

The Four Horsemen: Stonewalling ? Foundation Restoration

[BarbedFenceRider]

I guess that my wife does make the social arrangements in our family. I'm in the weird place that my wife and my mother actually get along great! So, if I have a idea I want to do, most likely, I will be doing it alone. She doesn't like outdoors type stuff (ie. hunting, camping, nature walks..) She doesn't really enjoy any of my hobbies. She supports me having them though. Occupied men are usually good men.lol

I also have the culture aspect as well. She is from Mexico, and we live on the border. Therefore, our friends and contacts are predominately Mexican. She handles that side... Anything northbound is handled by my mother. Large German family. Ha. My work schedule doesn't allow me to make huge changes on my time off. So, planning for family events is a challenge. But communication is key. I would start looking into communication coaching and then you can learn to compromise on the event planning and get on with your lives.

[Els]

Yes.

It seems to me that women often control the social calendar and men just show up, I guess quite happy they didn't have to go to the trouble of planning anything.

 

This is true for a lot of couples, and an easily-resolved problem if it was the main issue... but I don't think it is.

 

OP, personally I don't think I could be with a person who gave me the silent treatment for a whole day once a month or any time I try to bring up anything. My mum would do that to my dad a few times a year, and I thought THAT was bad. Once a month? I'd be outta there by Month 2 or 3, frankly.

 

What does she say when you bring THIS up, or does she just do the silent treatment again when you try to talk about the silent treatment? Have you tried MC?

[The Dark Side]

Wow, thanks all, some really good advice and views there.

 

I think some may have gotten the wrong end of the stick, it isn't that she sees family or friends once a month, she sees and speaks to them most days, it is that I will get the reaction once a month, irrelevant of the issue that was a trigger. She spends most evenings talking to family and/or friends, has 1 day in the week out with friends or family.

 

Thanks again all