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Marriage & Life Partnerships Debunking the old-ball-and-chain stereotype one couple at a time.

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Old 7th December 2017, 9:53 PM   #61
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CR....no amount of financial stability is worth rape, ongoing sexual abuse and emotional abuse. Most counselors will not work with couples in an abusive marriage. They will often refer the abused partner to individual counseling where the focus will be raising self esteem as well as working through codependency.

What if your boys were old enough to understand what their father yelled at his mother? Do you want your boys to become abusive like their father?
You live in a prison of material wealth and emotional terror. Free yourself and your boys. Do it for your children if you can't do it for yourself.

If you need inspiration, read "All That Shimmers" by Jade Jaeger. Like you, she was an Australian housewife. She left her millionaire husband because he was emotionally abusive and a serial cheater.

Denial and rationalizations will only work for a while, CR. You clearly understand that your marriage is toxic or else you would not have reached out on LS and shared this information with us.
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Old 7th December 2017, 10:29 PM   #62
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Whose idea was it?
Hosting Xmas for 18 people whilst you have 17 month old twins is madness...
It wasn't any one persons idea so much as it was "our turn" to host Christmas. Last year my parents had Christmas lunch at their place.

However, because their property is a good two-hour's drive out of town, my mother-in-law whinged and bemoaned "having" to travel "out to the sticks" for Christmas.

The year before we had Christmas at my in-laws' house and before that it was my brother-in-law and his wife who hosted Chritmas.

So, I guess, the batton has been passed on to me. Also, given that we've moved into our new place within the last two years, this place is the literal definition of a "party home."

My father-in-law (who is a wonderful man) has also offered to help. We have an outdoor kitchen setup which is fantastic, but he said he'll bring his Weber along so we didn't stain our cooktop with the garlic sauce he intends to cook the prawns in.

My mother is simply an amazing woman and will help out a lot. My sister-in-law is also lovely and will help. She's a not the most perceptive person, but give her a task to do and she works hard.

As daunting as it sounds, I won't be left to do it all myself. I will have help and, out of the eighteen people, that's five children - two of which are my boys who'll hardly eat a great deal.

I'll get through it. It's just getting my head around it which will be key. Once I get organised, I'm sure I'll be fine. I've already got both of the turkeys and my lovely local butcher will have a big leg of ham with my name on it ready to go.

Everything will be all right.
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Old 7th December 2017, 11:24 PM   #63
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Are you actually planning to play happy families on Christmas Day when you're living with a rapist?

Wow CR. I hope you see a therapist soon.
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Old 7th December 2017, 11:25 PM   #64
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Everything will be all right.
Just sending you a hug. I am also very worried about your emotional wellbeing. I hope you get the help that you need.
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Old 7th December 2017, 11:50 PM   #65
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I think it's bad for a marriage to sleep in separate rooms, but that doesn't mean that you're going to divorce. Plenty of people in sexless marriages who stay married. And really, staying married, regardless of your level of happiness in the marriage, is all that matters.
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Old 8th December 2017, 2:08 AM   #66
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OP, could you at the very least talk to a professional about this? Get a counselor and a legal advisor. Get yourself informed and then make your decisions based on that.

I want to stress, again, that rape or sexual assault, even if you are married (and perhaps even more so), is a CRIME. You seem to be in denial about that, talking about celebrating Christmas and whatnot. How would you feel if, many years hence, you saw your child talking happily about celebrating Christmas with a person who was constantly assaulting and abusing them? What kind of example are you planning to provide here?
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Old 8th December 2017, 2:56 AM   #67
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I think it's bad for a marriage to sleep in separate rooms, but that doesn't mean that you're going to divorce. Plenty of people in sexless marriages who stay married. And really, staying married, regardless of your level of happiness in the marriage, is all that matters.
In this case, I really have to disagree.
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Old 8th December 2017, 3:29 AM   #68
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In this case, I really have to disagree.
I suspect (or at least I hope) Popsicle was being sarcastic.
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Old 8th December 2017, 3:31 AM   #69
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I suspect (or at least I hope) Popsicle was being sarcastic.
Whew, I certainly hope so!
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Old 8th December 2017, 3:44 AM   #70
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I am feeling quite overwhelmed by all of the responses here and I'm unsure as to how to proceed. As mentioned previously, I have an appointment booked with my GP next week as I am feeling rather anxious.

There is no way I will be making any rash decisions and leaving just yet. I won't be ruining Christmas by doing anything that will undermine what will be a great day for everyone. I need more time to think.

I know things have reached a head and I know that my husband feels he's in the wrong as he has backed off completely.

Yes, I am upset about his actions. However, I am unsure and very uncomfortable about using the term "rapist" to define his actions. Technically I did consent, after all...

I thank you all for your feedback and please know that I have read and will consider all of the advice offered moving forward.

Warm wishes and best regards,

Renée.
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Old 8th December 2017, 6:33 AM   #71
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You didn't consent. It was angry sarcasm. Had my wife told me that same thing, I'd have backed off quickly, then apologized.
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Old 8th December 2017, 7:03 AM   #72
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I find it very disturbing that anyone would tolerate that amount of abuse in order to keep a lifestyle/life/relationship.

I completely accept that it is your choice and of course, you have the right to make your own choices. But is it sustainable, long term? And it probably isn't affecting your children too much now, they're too young to understand, but long term? That is not a healthy model to bring children into.
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Old 8th December 2017, 7:05 AM   #73
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You didn't consent. It was angry sarcasm. Had my wife told me that same thing, I'd have backed off quickly, then apologized.

Gives me hope, that there are some nice guys around.
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Old 8th December 2017, 7:19 AM   #74
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Gives me hope, that there are some nice guys around.
I am sure GoldenR is a lovely guy, but this is not about being "nice", this is about being "normal", nothing about what CR's husband does is "normal".
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Old 8th December 2017, 8:16 AM   #75
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Gives me hope, that there are some nice guys around.
Indeed. Most men, would not have taken that as consent to have sex. Most men, would have immediately backed off and shown concern for their partner's emotional distress. The fact that he didn't do either, is very concerning.

I'm sure this discussion is very overwhelming. I do hope that you are able to find a counsellor or talk with your mother to help you to process all that has happened.
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