LoveShack.org Community Forums

Reload this Page LoveShack.org Community Forums > Romantic > Marriage & Life Partnerships

I am considering sleeping in the spare room


Marriage & Life Partnerships Debunking the old-ball-and-chain stereotype one couple at a time.

Like Tree254Likes
Closed Thread
 
LinkBack Thread Tools Display Modes
Old 2nd December 2017, 10:36 PM   #31
Established Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2017
Location: Northeast USA
Posts: 3,147
Quote:
Originally Posted by Chardonnay Renée View Post
I know, right! No, nobody congratulates me as such. But yeah, my hubby always manages to make himself seen in the right places at the right times, doing the whole "awesome dad thing.

Don't get me wrong, he is an awesome dad with the boys. However, he's also awesome at engineering scenarios whereby he has everyone believing that I'm so lucky to have him. He's certainly excels at PR.
I totally get you <3.
CautiouslyOptimistic is offline  
Old 2nd December 2017, 10:42 PM   #32
Established Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2013
Posts: 1,555
Isn't there anyone you know that you could bring in for a couple of hours a day to watch your boys so you can catch a nap? That may not solve all of your problems but at least you'd be getting some sleep which would go a long ways toward helping you be alert in the evening to visit with your husband.

You mentioned your husband doesn't trust a stranger to look after the boys (understandable) but if you knew someone you both trust and you didn't leave the house, would he be ok with that?

I'm mostly concerned about your sleep. If you can get your sleep you can then focus on whatever else you need to deal with. Sleep deprivation is the worst!

One of my babies ate all night long it seemed. I had an hour and 45 minutes between feedings and he nursed for 45 minutes! I know what it's like to be sleep deprived. It ain't pretty and it's rough on mommies and daddy's R!
LivingWaterPlease is offline  
Old 2nd December 2017, 10:57 PM   #33
Established Member
 
Chardonnay Renée's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2017
Location: Adelaide, Australia
Posts: 191
Quote:
Originally Posted by BettyDraper View Post
When I recall CR's very first thread about her MIL, I realized that the apple doesn't fall far from the tree. CR's husband was raised by an imperious and rude woman.

CR, what about taking your sons and going to your parents house for a little while? I know that I suggested marriage counseling but when I looked at your other threads, it became clear that your husband refuses to see a counselor.

I feel like you've given up so much of yourself to please a narcissistic and selfish man. A gilded cage is still a prison.

I believe in having sex with my husband even when I may not feel like it. However, that generous act occurs within the dynamic of a mostly happy marriage. If my husband treated me like a blow up doll, I doubt that I would be so eager to please him.
I have done that one before. Going to my parents' house is great, but doesn't fix any of our problems. My parents have no idea of the issues we have. My dad loves my husband to bits. I'm not really inclined to want to burst the bubble at this stage.

I know that my mum thinks something is up with me. She's a smart woman and very perceptive. She's always "there" and knows I know that, even if it's not in physical presence. My dad, on the other hand, is your typical, dopey male who needs things spelt out for him before he gets it!

I honestly don't want to get into it too much with my parents. I don't want them to be mad or sad about me. I don't want division or conflict. I hate confrontation. I just want my husband to stop being a dick and I need to find a way for him to do that!

I have given up a lot to be with my husband. I took a leaf from your book, however, and accepted that I could still do things and gain fulfillment from helping people by volunteering.

I have registered with a charity set up by a wonderful woman who helps orphaned/disadvantaged children who are separated from their siblings due, primarily, to living in seperate foster care homes. She sets up camps and other activities and assigns a carer, or "buddy" to partner up with a child and engage in activities.

Yesterday I went to my first activity day. With my experience as an Occupational Therapist, I absolutely felt in my element helping these kids; many of whom have special needs - my buddy in this case had a severe language disorder among other development disorders.

Hell, even my mother-in-law was supportive of me partaking in this cause. She babysat the boys the whole day so I could go. While that might not sound like much, it's a big thing as she's never wanted to help me in the past at all!
Chardonnay Renée is offline  
Old 3rd December 2017, 1:41 AM   #34
Established Member
 
Chardonnay Renée's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2017
Location: Adelaide, Australia
Posts: 191
Quote:
Originally Posted by JuneL View Post
I agree that, since your husband seems to be financially well off, you might want to hire help with cleaning and other errands.

On the other hand, I don't think staying at home is considered a luxury by every woman. The OP has expressed a few times that she wanted to go back to work, but was strongly discouraged by her husband and mother-in-law. That was also one source of her unhappiness.
As mentioned above, we have a cleaner come once a week. While this in no way alleviates me from all of my domestic duties, it goes someway to helping ease the load.

I wanted to go back to work because I love my job. Helping children with special needs is extremely rewrding for me. However, I have found a number of charities where I can put my skills to good use so this has helped in that regard.

My husband has every right to expect that I back him up at home when he's working as long as he does every day.

The nature of his job and business is such that he's never really going to be able to leave and pick up our kids from daycare if they happened to get sick. Or, alternatively, stay home when they are sick.

The reality is that if I went back to work, my career would have to play second fiddle to my husband's business.

My husband has also suggested that I do some admin work at home, given that the time has come that he'll need to outsource this sort of stuff.

He's suggested that he pay me a wage, from the business's turnover, which will be my "own" money to do with as I please.

While it might sound odd to essentially be his employee, it does make sense and everything is then above board. And, it will feel like I am earning my own money and contributing which, in reality, is exactly what I'll be doing.
Chardonnay Renée is offline  
Old 3rd December 2017, 9:00 AM   #35
Established Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: India
Posts: 1,702
Hi Renee, I just took note of your moniker. Apparently you are a wine connosieur and Chardonnay your preferred poison. I have recently been introduced to imbibing wine and my preference is Shiraz.

At any rate, I think you will have to think out of the box to be able to solve the problem facing you. If you could contact a sex therapist maybe he/ she could help you with ideas on how to handle this situation or defuse your husband without hurting his feelings. Alternatively, you could use a 'Pick me up' to give you the energy and stamina to deal with his enhanced libido.

I would suggest that you should confide in your mother as she would be able to give you ideas on how to handle your husband. With her experience in life I am sure she would come with innovative ideas on how to handle the situation. Explore all possible avenues before you throw in the towel. Warm wishes.
Just a Guy is offline  
Old 3rd December 2017, 12:58 PM   #36
Established Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: Earth
Posts: 1,986
Quote:
Originally Posted by Chardonnay Renée View Post
Yes, I have. The problem with my husband is that he's one of those people who lives on five hours sleep, max. He's in bed by midnight and up no later than five o'clock in the morning for an early gym session.

He'll be back in an hour, have a quick shower and a bite to eat and be out the door by 6.30am to open up the office by 7.00am. I won't see him back home until around 8:00pm, where he'll be working on his laptop while having dinner until 9:30pm.

He will bath and feed the boys in between working and he's great with changing nappies (or daipers as you Americans call them). He will play with and stir up the boys before bedtime, though, which is really annoying as it's then up to me to settle them down and get them to sleep.

When I've had a go at him about that and in general just behaving like a big child himelf, he'll tell me to "chill out you killjoy." Or he'll say in an obviously passive-aggressive way, out loud the boys within my presence: "Off to bed, boys, or the fun police will lock us all up!"

Point being, by this time I'm exhausted and nearly ready for bed myself. My husband is only just winding down from his day and won't want to go to bed for another couple of hours. I, on the other hand, just want to talk to him about some urgent happenings throughout the day and retreat to bed.

If I go to bed early, he will accuse me of sex avoidance. If we go to bed together and he initiates something and I say no, he'll want to know why. If it's because I'm tired, stressed, emotionally drained or whatever, it's always: "Oh, that old chestnut."

He just doesn't seem to understand or care. He thinks I should have as much energy as him. That I should take on as much stress as him, and do so without any emotional support. Then willingly f**k him, including head and letting him finish in my mouth when it's that time of the month, whenever the mood strikes.

Sorry for being crass, but that's what I'm facing right now.
Your marital issues aren't about sex, CR. They are about the obvious lack of empathy for your struggles as a SAHM and respect for your sexual boundaries. Your husband's behavior is controlling and bordering on abusive. Would a loving spouse completely disregard your feelings and DEMAND that you give blow jobs?
Elswyth and basil67 like this.
BettyDraper is offline  
Old 3rd December 2017, 1:13 PM   #37
Established Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2017
Location: USA
Posts: 1,047
Quote:
Originally Posted by Just a Guy View Post
I would suggest that you should confide in your mother as she would be able to give you ideas on how to handle your husband. With her experience in life I am sure she would come with innovative ideas on how to handle the situation. Explore all possible avenues before you throw in the towel. Warm wishes.
I agree that it's a great idea to confide in your mother. At the very least, it helps to have someone really close to listen to you. Also, the fear about bursting their bubble (that their daughter has married a dream husband) may have added your stress.
JuneL is offline  
Old 3rd December 2017, 1:14 PM   #38
Established Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2016
Posts: 558
I just read this whole thread thru.

Nothing is going to change either of your sex drives. Not counseling. Not getting help around the house. Not banishing the MIL from your house. Not reducing his work hours.

He wants more. You basically don't want it ever, as it sounds like when you do have sex with him, you're just giving in to him to get you thru the next 5 days.

A bad sex life in marriage pretty much = an unhappy marriage. You probably think about bedtime and the stress that comes with it all day, while he thinks about bedtime throughout the day as well, but his is with a mix of hope and frustration, mostly frustration.

Nothing is going to change him from wanting sex from his wife. Unless you can somehow start giving it to him more, and willingly (not like, "OK, fine,let's do it, just hurry!"), you will either wind up divorced, or you'll wind up living with him while he cheats on you. (Would you even care if he cheated? I mean, if you don't want him like that, would you really care if he sought it out elsewhere, yet still came home to you?).

My point is, this isn't going to end well without some bending on your part. I'm not telling you to bend, and I'm also not defending your H. Just telling you what to be prepared for if you don't acquiesce.
GoldenR is offline  
Old 3rd December 2017, 1:19 PM   #39
Established Member
 
Popsicle's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2013
Posts: 8,184
Okay, so if you sleep in another room, when are you going to have sex? How will that go?

Last edited by Popsicle; 3rd December 2017 at 1:21 PM..
Popsicle is offline  
Old 3rd December 2017, 4:13 PM   #40
Established Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2017
Location: USA
Posts: 1,047
Quote:
Originally Posted by JuneL View Post
I agree that it's a great idea to confide in your mother. At the very least, it helps to have someone really close to listen to you. Also, the fear about bursting their bubble (that their daughter has married a dream husband) may have added your stress.
p.s. Perhaps you can hire someone to come a couple of hours each afternoon, and you can have a power nap while your toddlers are napping. The helper can help around the house a bit while you are all napping, but she's not taking care of the kids directly.
JuneL is offline  
Old 3rd December 2017, 4:55 PM   #41
Established Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: Earth
Posts: 1,986
Quote:
Originally Posted by GoldenR View Post
I just read this whole thread thru.

Nothing is going to change either of your sex drives. Not counseling. Not getting help around the house. Not banishing the MIL from your house. Not reducing his work hours.

He wants more. You basically don't want it ever, as it sounds like when you do have sex with him, you're just giving in to him to get you thru the next 5 days.

A bad sex life in marriage pretty much = an unhappy marriage. You probably think about bedtime and the stress that comes with it all day, while he thinks about bedtime throughout the day as well, but his is with a mix of hope and frustration, mostly frustration.

Nothing is going to change him from wanting sex from his wife. Unless you can somehow start giving it to him more, and willingly (not like, "OK, fine,let's do it, just hurry!"), you will either wind up divorced, or you'll wind up living with him while he cheats on you. (Would you even care if he cheated? I mean, if you don't want him like that, would you really care if he sought it out elsewhere, yet still came home to you?).

My point is, this isn't going to end well without some bending on your part. I'm not telling you to bend, and I'm also not defending your H. Just telling you what to be prepared for if you don't acquiesce.
Perhaps I'm missing something but I don't get the impression that CR never wants sex. She just has a lower sex drive than her husband does and she's exhausted from taking care of her children. What makes you say that CR never wants sex?

I believe that couples should meet each others sexual needs as much as they can. About an hour ago, I was going to go lift weights while dinner was cooking but my husband wanted to make love. We had sex instead and it was wonderful. I don't think that I would be so accommodating if my husband didn't treat me well outside of the bedroom and I would probably be less interested in sex if we had babies as well. CR's husband doesn't care about her feelings and challenges as a new mom; telling her to be more sexual does not solve the underlying issues.

I've observed this dynamic occurring when children are born. Husbands feel sexually frustrated while the wives are knackered from pregnancy, childbirth and the energy drain that comes with parenting. I guess some husbands aren't understanding because they do not suffer physically to bring kids into the world and husbands tend to do far less childcare than women do. Seeing how common this situation is makes me very happy to be childfree.
BettyDraper is offline  
Old 7th December 2017, 7:54 AM   #42
Established Member
 
Chardonnay Renée's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2017
Location: Adelaide, Australia
Posts: 191
OMG! What happened to this forum? I couldn't access it for four days!
Chardonnay Renée is offline  
Old 7th December 2017, 10:29 AM   #43
Established Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2016
Posts: 558
Quote:
Originally Posted by BettyDraper View Post
Perhaps I'm missing something but I don't get the impression that CR never wants sex. She just has a lower sex drive than her husband does and she's exhausted from taking care of her children. What makes you say that CR never wants sex?
She wants to sleep in another room to get away from her H that wants it. That pretty much says it all.
GoldenR is offline  
Old 7th December 2017, 11:48 AM   #44
Established Member
 
Elswyth's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2007
Posts: 25,078
Based on your other threads, I think you should be considering separation.

But to answer this thread alone... couples can sleep in separate rooms for various reasons (snoring, insomnia, working different shifts, etc) and still have a healthy, intimate relationship. For YOUR reason though, it's not really going to solve the main problem.

Quote:
The last time we had sex was the catalyst for why I'm looking to sleep in the spare room. The motivation has always been there, but the sour tatse in my mouth was what pushed me over the edge.
I'm worried about you. Did he have sex with you against your will? You do know that marital rape is a legal offence (and rightly so) in Australia, right?
__________________
~Perfection is about accepting that we cannot control everything and letting go of some of our preconceived notions.~ -Spiritofnow-
Elswyth is offline  
Old 7th December 2017, 12:07 PM   #45
Established Member
 
Elswyth's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2007
Posts: 25,078
Quote:
Originally Posted by BettyDraper View Post
Your marital issues aren't about sex, CR. They are about the obvious lack of empathy for your struggles as a SAHM and respect for your sexual boundaries. Your husband's behavior is controlling and bordering on abusive. Would a loving spouse completely disregard your feelings and DEMAND that you give blow jobs?
Exactly. Lack of sex is just one of the many symptoms of this very messed-up marriage IMO. Her wanting to sleep in a spare room is also a symptom, and similarly doing so only fixes a symptom. Nothing changes at the core.

A spouse who demands blowjobs when you're feeling ill is a person who should NOT be getting blowjobs from you. Or your life or your love, really.

If you're staying "for your kids", I can't imagine that growing up with a father like that is good for your sons, OP. Kids emulate what they observe. Do you really want to raise boys who will likely treat their own partners with such contempt, disregard, entitlement, and abuse? On the other hand, if they had a stepfather who treated you with love and consideration, might they not emulate that instead?
Elswyth is offline  
Closed Thread

Bookmarks

Thread Tools
Display Modes

 

Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
I slept with my room-mate without knowing he had been sleeping with our other room-ma Cealabeala Friends and Lovers 46 26th July 2012 3:26 PM
Not Sleeping in the Same Room a deal-breaker? avon20 Marriage & Life Partnerships 10 29th May 2012 8:44 PM

 

All times are GMT -4. The time now is 1:52 PM.

Please note: The suggestions and advice offered on this web site are opinions only and are not to be used in the place of professional psychological counseling or medical advice. If you or someone close to you is currently in crisis or in an emergency situation, contact your local law enforcement agency or emergency number.


Copyright © 1997-2013 LoveShack.org. All Rights Reserved.