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Old 2nd December 2017, 6:20 PM   #16
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Originally Posted by BaileyB View Post
Indeed. This has less to do with understanding the pressure and exhaustion of motherhood than it has to do with a man who likes to get whatever he wants, when he wants it. And, he doesn't like to be told No.

Let's consider again the example of the time when someone in CR family had the audacity to schedule a wedding on the day of the "big game," and her husband threw a tantrum and refused to attend the wedding.

CR, this is not a power struggle that you are going to win. You have to fight the battles that you will win, and this is not one of them. Not with this man.
When I recall CR's very first thread about her MIL, I realized that the apple doesn't fall far from the tree. CR's husband was raised by an imperious and rude woman.

CR, what about taking your sons and going to your parents house for a little while? I know that I suggested marriage counseling but when I looked at your other threads, it became clear that your husband refuses to see a counselor.

I feel like you've given up so much of yourself to please a narcissistic and selfish man. A gilded cage is still a prison.

I believe in having sex with my husband even when I may not feel like it. However, that generous act occurs within the dynamic of a mostly happy marriage. If my husband treated me like a blow up doll, I doubt that I would be so eager to please him.
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Old 2nd December 2017, 6:28 PM   #17
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Originally Posted by Ruby Slippers View Post

Can you get a little help with the kids & house so you have more energy for sex with your husband? I'm sure he works pretty hard to support you and the kids, and you have the luxury of staying at home. Your job is to take care of the house, kids, and your husband.
I agree that, since your husband seems to be financially well off, you might want to hire help with cleaning and other errands.

On the other hand, I don't think staying at home is considered a luxury by every woman. The OP has expressed a few times that she wanted to go back to work, but was strongly discouraged by her husband and mother-in-law. That was also one source of her unhappiness.
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Old 2nd December 2017, 6:46 PM   #18
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I agree that, since your husband seems to be financially well off, you might want to hire help with cleaning and other errands.

On the other hand, I don't think staying at home is considered a luxury by every woman. The OP has expressed a few times that she wanted to go back to work, but was strongly discouraged by her husband and mother-in-law. That was also one source of her unhappiness.
I agree. Staying at home comes with different challenges which people aren't even aware of.

It's sad that CR's wishes are not taken into consideration when it comes to how she chooses to be a mother. It's as if CR's husband wants her to stay home as a status symbol. He also wants to put CR a dependent position so that she will feel obligated to tolerate anything from he and his mother.
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Old 2nd December 2017, 7:58 PM   #19
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Renee, I feel like we have had this conversation before. I think you know what people's opinions are of your husband.

As much as you are very justified for not wanting to be groped while you are sleeping... He should, and isn't, respecting the boundaries you set when you say no.

However, I can't imagine that he is going to be happy about this. He wants more sex with you, not less. You continue to engage in a power struggle with your husband. I understand that you are tired, because of your young children. But, one or two times a week for this man, is not enough. If you make sex the bartering chip in your relationship and withhold sex and affection, he is the kind of man to feel very justified in seeking it elsewhere.
I don't see it as a power struggle. All I see it as is me looking for a bit of respect coming back my way. I'm not one of those people who 'point scores' but at the same time, I'm not going to lose track of an imbalance.

If my husband chose to focus on my feelings a bit more he wouldn't focus on himself so much. That goes without saying, but for him, anything less than his full quota and he bemoans being ripped off!
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Old 2nd December 2017, 8:07 PM   #20
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People can move into separate rooms for many different reasons that may not actually hurt a marriage if there is enough of a desire to maintain connection.

Mismatched shift patterns, illness, chronic pain, post-surgery, insomnia, snoring, etc.

BUT you want a separate bedroom to actively avoid your husband and sex, then that is probably a disaster for your marriage.
And I agree with BaileyB, he WILL cheat.
OP, I can totally understand where you are coming from.
Reading what you have said on previous threads he is not an easy man to deal with, he is arrogant, entitled, narcissistic, spoilt, demanding, controlling... why do you stay?

There is more to life than money.
I don't want to move into the spare bedroom to avoid sex altogether. Primarily, I just want more sleep! I'm a light sleeper and I need my full eight hour sleep or I really struggle and feel very flat and lethargic throughout the day.

Why do I stay, you ask? Put simply; I love him. Of course there's more to life than money. My husband didn't have money when I met him. I was actually earning more than he was when we met!

Since he became financially successful over the last three years, that's where things slowly started to change. I noticed an erosion of the equality and "team first" relationship dynamic we used to have.

Whilst leaving my husband will mean I'll do well financially anyway, regardless of that, my parents also have money so either way it is of little concern. I just think we need some marriage counseling.

I really hate the idea of divorce. I don't want my boys to grow up without their dad. They love him to bits and so too does he love them. I am not a nasty or vindictive person at all. I just want us to be a happy family.
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Old 2nd December 2017, 8:15 PM   #21
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Twice a week is plenty with twins of 17 months. I think he underestimates how hard it is.

Maybe you should go away for a couple of days and see how exhausting it is.

He needs to respect you or maybe he'll get the message of you get up and go to thr spare room.

He is what many women would call a sex pest and it just reduces the desire to be intimate when you get harassed and badgered. It may help for him to know how his behaviour is a turn off for you.
Twice a week would be a big stretch. As I said previously, it's one-to-two times a week, max! In reality it's more like one in every five days on average.

If I move into the spare room I do hope it sends a message. However, sending a message is not my primary objective. What I want is sleep, and I hope he gets that my decision would be to obtain more sleep and these are the measures I feel I need to take.

I have told my husband on many occasions that harassing and groping is a turn off. He'll stop for a night and if we don't have sex the following night he will huff and puff and make it known he's grumpy.

He says he gets so horny in his sleep because I don't have sex with him enough. He says he wakes up in the night with an erection and just wants to make love to me. He says he can't get enough of my body.

Sure, it's nice to be desired. But it's also nice to be respected and have my boundaries respected, too.
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Old 2nd December 2017, 8:35 PM   #22
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I don't see it as a power struggle. All I see it as is me looking for a bit of respect coming back my way. I'm not one of those people who 'point scores' but at the same time, I'm not going to lose track of an imbalance.

If my husband chose to focus on my feelings a bit more he wouldn't focus on himself so much. That goes without saying, but for him, anything less than his full quota and he bemoans being ripped off!
It's very disturbing that you talk about sex as a quota to be met.
This tells me a lot about how you're feeling in your marriage.
Your husband does not respect your boundaries or feelings. He is treating you like an employee which he pays for sex and he expects you to "meet your quota".
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Old 2nd December 2017, 8:35 PM   #23
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I'm so sorry that you're going through this, Renee.

If you feel like you need to sleep in a separate room because your husband doesn't respect your boundaries, I'm afraid this is the beginning of the end for your marriage unless you're willing to have sex more often.

Sex is the barometer for a couple's relationship. Emotional conflicts are played out in the bedroom. I think you feel resentful and stifled so you withhold sex as a way to assert your needs.

I would recommend marriage counseling rather than moving out of your bedroom.
I'm never not willing to have more sex, under the right circumstsnces. I've tried to schedule sex, but my husband has dismissed the idea as ridiculous. He said that "if you remove the spontaneous element of sex then it becomes boring and regimented."

I countered by suggesting that if it's a more comfortable method for me, and he ends up getting more anyway, what's there to lose? He then suggested we schedule it "every day and twice on Sunday. Clearly, he's not prepared to take any compromise seriously.

I have suggested marriage counseling recently, and his response was almost word-for-word as I'd have predicted: "Where the f**k am I going to find the time for that?" He does work, on average, fourteen hours a day, so that is a barrier.

I told him that we have unresolved issues and we perhaps need a third-party opinion from a professional with no vested interest in anything other than fixing our relationship. His response: "Those chumps have a vested interest in perpetuating your own preconceptions just to keep you going back."

I'm at a bit of a loss as to how to proceed. For the moment I just need more sleep. I am more sensitive and emotional when I'm tired and that's certainly not helping my tolerance levels.
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Old 2nd December 2017, 8:40 PM   #24
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Twice a week would be a big stretch. As I said previously, it's one-to-two times a week, max! In reality it's more like one in every five days on average.

If I move into the spare room I do hope it sends a message. However, sending a message is not my primary objective. What I want is sleep, and I hope he gets that my decision would be to obtain more sleep and these are the measures I feel I need to take.

I have told my husband on many occasions that harassing and groping is a turn off. He'll stop for a night and if we don't have sex the following night he will huff and puff and make it known he's grumpy.

He says he gets so horny in his sleep because I don't have sex with him enough. He says he wakes up in the night with an erection and just wants to make love to me. He says he can't get enough of my body.

Sure, it's nice to be desired. But it's also nice to be respected and have my boundaries respected, too.
It doesn't sound like your husband will respect your boundaries though.
I feel like you're being emotionally abused, CR. You tiptoe around your husband because placating him is the only way to keep peace in your home.

A marriage can never be successful without compromise. Your husband is going to throw a tantrum once you move to another bedroom. How do you plan on dealing with that?

Success has gone to your husband's head and now he thinks that he is permitted to treat others poorly just because he is a man of means. That is a distinctly new money attitude which shows a lack of class and breeding.
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Old 2nd December 2017, 8:49 PM   #25
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I'm never not willing to have more sex, under the right circumstsnces. I've tried to schedule sex, but my husband has dismissed the idea as ridiculous. He said that "if you remove the spontaneous element of sex then it becomes boring and regimented."

I countered by suggesting that if it's a more comfortable method for me, and he ends up getting more anyway, what's there to lose? He then suggested we schedule it "every day and twice on Sunday. Clearly, he's not prepared to take any compromise seriously.

I have suggested marriage counseling recently, and his response was almost word-for-word as I'd have predicted: "Where the f**k am I going to find the time for that?" He does work, on average, fourteen hours a day, so that is a barrier.

I told him that we have unresolved issues and we perhaps need a third-party opinion from a professional with no vested interest in anything other than fixing our relationship. His response: "Those chumps have a vested interest in perpetuating your own preconceptions just to keep you going back."

I'm at a bit of a loss as to how to proceed. For the moment I just need more sleep. I am more sensitive and emotional when I'm tired and that's certainly not helping my tolerance levels.
I can relate to every word of this, although my ex was willing to go to counseling. He wasn't willing to be criticized while there, as it turns out, but he was willing to go because he thought it would all go in his favor.

I wish I had sage advice. All I can offer is a hand holding <3.
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Old 2nd December 2017, 8:53 PM   #26
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Hi Renee, I cannot really say much about your situation and I think the ladies on here have analysed things in detail and given you a pretty clear picture along with the possible consequences that could flow from your moving to a separate bedroom. One thing stands out to me and that is that you and your husband are completely incompatible sexually. I do not know what the rest of your married life is like but if what you say about your sex life holds true then I doubt things would be hunky dory in other spheres of your marriage.

Having said that, I have to also say that you have to give deep thought to whether you are feeling happy and fulfilled in this union. If you are not then you know what you have to do. The fact is that marriage is all about compromise and adjusting to one another's rough edges. Both partners have to give some and take some. If one partner expects the other to do all the adjustment while remaining intractable themselves then as the words of the song go 'I'm on a Highway to hell' hold true! You have a lot on your plate and you would do well to give it a cool once over and then make your decision. Warm wishes.
When we first met we would have sex daily and sometimes on multiple occasions daily. The sex was fantastic, everything was fantastic. I felt as though, as a team, we were the "Dream Team" and that we could take on the world. I felt valued, empowered and most all, happy.

We faced challenges like every relationship has had to. One of them, namely, being family and in particular, my mother-in-law. I never saw her as being an encumbrance to our ever-lasting happiness, though.

After marriage, my husband's business (which I helped him build) went from strength to strength. I thought I was seeing the fruits of our labour culminating in the combined success of our hard work.

Instead, I was seeing a more detached man who was spending more and more time away. Sure, he was running the business and I get that. However, he was losing focus of us, and in the process, I was finding myself being pigeon-holed into roles I was unprepared for, and unhappy about.

Since having our twins, my mother-in-law is around a lot more. Her behaviour has been well-known here from what I've posted on my other treads. I find her extremely overbearing and rude. In recent times my husband has defended me against her, so that's been something at least.

My frustration is that my husband is either unwilling or unable to see and/or care about how he's enabling our union to be slowly destroyed. He's unwittingly subjugating me into his own paradigm by ignoring my cries for help.
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Old 2nd December 2017, 9:17 PM   #27
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Have you tried to explain to your husband the drain on you physically and emotionally of being the mom of twin seventeen-month-old boys?

Seems to me you're doing pretty good to be able to be intimate with him twice a week under the circumstances. That is not to say you shouldn't be doing it, though!

You need your sleep! Your body may still be trying to recover from pregnancy and delivery! Not to mention the rigorous demands of twin toddler boys!
Yes, I have. The problem with my husband is that he's one of those people who lives on five hours sleep, max. He's in bed by midnight and up no later than five o'clock in the morning for an early gym session.

He'll be back in an hour, have a quick shower and a bite to eat and be out the door by 6.30am to open up the office by 7.00am. I won't see him back home until around 8:00pm, where he'll be working on his laptop while having dinner until 9:30pm.

He will bath and feed the boys in between working and he's great with changing nappies (or daipers as you Americans call them). He will play with and stir up the boys before bedtime, though, which is really annoying as it's then up to me to settle them down and get them to sleep.

When I've had a go at him about that and in general just behaving like a big child himelf, he'll tell me to "chill out you killjoy." Or he'll say in an obviously passive-aggressive way, out loud the boys within my presence: "Off to bed, boys, or the fun police will lock us all up!"

Point being, by this time I'm exhausted and nearly ready for bed myself. My husband is only just winding down from his day and won't want to go to bed for another couple of hours. I, on the other hand, just want to talk to him about some urgent happenings throughout the day and retreat to bed.

If I go to bed early, he will accuse me of sex avoidance. If we go to bed together and he initiates something and I say no, he'll want to know why. If it's because I'm tired, stressed, emotionally drained or whatever, it's always: "Oh, that old chestnut."

He just doesn't seem to understand or care. He thinks I should have as much energy as him. That I should take on as much stress as him, and do so without any emotional support. Then willingly f**k him, including head and letting him finish in my mouth when it's that time of the month, whenever the mood strikes.

Sorry for being crass, but that's what I'm facing right now.
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Old 2nd December 2017, 9:25 PM   #28
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Yes, I have. The problem with my husband is that he's one of those people who lives on five hours sleep, max. He's in bed by midnight and up no later than five o'clock in the morning for an early gym session.

He'll be back in an hour, have a quick shower and a bite to eat and be out the door by 6.30am to open up the office by 7.00am. I won't see him back home until around 8:00pm, where he'll be working on his laptop while having dinner until 9:30pm.

He will bath and feed the boys in between working and he's great with changing nappies (or daipers as you Americans call them). He will play with and stir up the boys before bedtime, though, which is really annoying as it's then up to me to settle them down and get them to sleep.

When I've had a go at him about that and in general just behaving like a big child himelf, he'll tell me to "chill out you killjoy." Or he'll say in an obviously passive-aggressive way, out loud the boys within my presence: "Off to bed, boys, or the fun police will lock us all up!"

Point being, by this time I'm exhausted and nearly ready for bed myself. My husband is only just winding down from his day and won't want to go to bed for another couple of hours. I, on the other hand, just want to talk to him about some urgent happenings throughout the day and retreat to bed.

If I go to bed early, he will accuse me of sex avoidance. If we go to bed together and he initiates something and I say no, he'll want to know why. If it's because I'm tired, stressed, emotionally drained or whatever, it's always: "Oh, that old chestnut."

He just doesn't seem to understand or care. He thinks I should have as much energy as him. That I should take on as much stress as him, and do so without any emotional support. Then willingly f**k him, including head and letting him finish in my mouth when it's that time of the month, whenever the mood strikes.

Sorry for being crass, but that's what I'm facing right now.
Well, kudos for him for helping with the boys. My ex was exactly the same way, and I really did appreciate it.

But that didn't give him a right to act like I was then obliged to bend to his every sexual whim if I personally wasn't feeling it. My desires mattered too, and so do yours.

My ex was (and still is) a great dad. But I was also a great mom and was anyone congratulating me on that? Is anybody congratulating you? Does a dad get extra "sex points" for doing what he's supposed to be doing anyway?

Sorry, a tangent on my part .

It's very difficult to be married to a man like your husband .
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Old 2nd December 2017, 9:31 PM   #29
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My opinion probably won't be popular here, but I took the time to read the thread and I have an opinion, so I'll go ahead...

Can you get a little help with the kids & house so you have more energy for sex with your husband? I'm sure he works pretty hard to support you and the kids, and you have the luxury of staying at home. Your job is to take care of the house, kids, and your husband.

I'm guessing most men would like decent or better food and sex as absolute basics. It's not hard to guess that if he's not getting decent sex more than twice a week, he'll start looking elsewhere. I'm a woman, and if I were married and only having sex twice a week, I'd be very disappointed and I'm sure pretty cranky.
I have a clener come once a week. We also have a gardener come as my husband quickly ran out of time and patience to maintain our garden. It does need a lot of maintenance to keep it looking optimal.

If you're referring to a Nanny, forget it! There's no way my husband would let a stranger in the house, to look after his children. He won't even allow me to enroll them in daycare once a week as a bit of respite!

Most men would like better food and sex as absolute basics. By food, you're not implying some euphemism or metaphor for something else, other than the literal consumption of a human being's necessiy for energy sources, no?

I cook a lot as I love cooking. Healthy meals, although I try to encorporate a balanced diet of lean meat and lots of vegetables. My hubby likes my cooking for the most part, but my mother-in-law had a go at me for feeding her husband too much "rabbit food" once. He sniggered and said nothing else.

As for sex, what do you suggest? Frequency, duration, what? The last time we had sex was the catalyst for why I'm looking to sleep in the spare room. The motivation has always been there, but the sour tatse in my mouth was what pushed me over the edge.
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Old 2nd December 2017, 10:27 PM   #30
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Well, kudos for him for helping with the boys. My ex was exactly the same way, and I really did appreciate it.

But that didn't give him a right to act like I was then obliged to bend to his every sexual whim if I personally wasn't feeling it. My desires mattered too, and so do yours.

My ex was (and still is) a great dad. But I was also a great mom and was anyone congratulating me on that? Is anybody congratulating you? Does a dad get extra "sex points" for doing what he's supposed to be doing anyway?

Sorry, a tangent on my part .

It's very difficult to be married to a man like your husband .
I know, right! No, nobody congratulates me as such. But yeah, my hubby always manages to make himself seen in the right places at the right times, doing the whole "awesome dad thing.

Don't get me wrong, he is an awesome dad with the boys. However, he's also awesome at engineering scenarios whereby he has everyone believing that I'm so lucky to have him. He's certainly excels at PR.
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