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Marriage & Life Partnerships Debunking the old-ball-and-chain stereotype one couple at a time.

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Old 16th December 2017, 11:42 AM   #166
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You will need to stand up for yourself, Chardonnay Renee, for anything to change.
Unfortunately, your husband will not communicate/compromise, so standing for yourself will be unpleasant.

It's in you, the strength you need. You are still an accomplished, intelligent and strong woman.

Find it and do it. There isn't another way. Don't have a separate bedroom, have him stay at his apt. after the holiday.

By the way...allowing his mom to cripple you, tsk. You know who she is, she gets a rise from your pain.

Silence to her.
I agree with this. Unfortunately, CR is being abused and it can be very hard for a victim to stand up to their abuser. She also mentioned being conflict avoidant which makes it even more difficult to stand up for herself. CR's husband knows that CR is too downtrodden to assert herself and he enjoys it. He knows that she will not leave because of her children.
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Old 16th December 2017, 11:47 AM   #167
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Hi Renee, I have been dipping into your thread at various points and have been reading through your posts. The last few posts that you have made indicate that your marriage has reached a point of almost no return. In reading between the lines I find two people with strong personalities who refuse to back down on their points of view or perspectives, if you will. You have been a successful career woman and have your own sense of self worth. Sadly, your husband seems to have lost sight of that fact and the presence of your MIL only complicates matters further. I do not know if you two have tried MC or if your husband is even open to it but that might be a last ditch effort to save your marriage. To me it seems that it is at the end of it's rope for all practical purposes.

In your place I would start getting my ducks in a row, plan on getting back into the work force, look out for a place to stay on my own, ask my parents for help to set me up in my new home, consult a lawyer to find out my rights and then move out and file for divorce. In all this you should let your husband know when things are mostly irreversible as, given his attitude he will put a spanner in the works before you can get off the ground. As far as filing for divorce is concerned, once you do that it may wake your husband up to the reality of your joint situation and he may turn over a new leaf. One aspect of that would be to exile your MIL from your lives except on special occasions. However, it is time for you to take control of your life and stop accepting abuse of any kind from your spouse or your MIL. Remember,, actions speak louder than words! Warm wishes.
This is a very good plan. I don't believe that CR is ready to end her marriage though.
I think it will take another abusive incident for CR to gain the strength to walk away.
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Old 16th December 2017, 12:25 PM   #168
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Thank you so much for taking the time to write down this heartbreaking summary. What you wrote was exactly the impression I got from reading your various threads.

From what you wrote, it sounds like your husband is very financially well off, but is not rich like a billionaire (yet)? I would imagine things can only deteriorate if his business keeps expanding and making more money. In fact, I've known of couples like your situation; once the husband has accumulated enough wealth and power, his wife (who was intelligent, educated and beautiful, and who supported him through building his business before everything took off) was delegated as a mere "department" in his life; at which point, the wife wouldn't be able to get access to his finance, and of course the husband would have access to a bunch of women! If there is any consolation, you should count yourself lucky to see what you're getting into so early, instead of wasting another 10 years of your life getting trapped in such a situation (the wives of those men I know of didn't divorce their husband until their kids were 10 or so).

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Things were *different* in the past. I definitely know why they call it the Seven Year Itch. Seven years seems to be that figure where things start becoming strained.

The thing is, earlier in the relationship I needed less emotional support. When we met just over seven years ago I was a professional woman in my late twenties. I was confident, sassy and earning plenty of my own money.

I think the first cracks started appearing when my mother-in-law started being a real cow. My husband had only one other girlfriend before me since High School, as he spent almost all of his twenties in the Army, so he never really had a stable relationship. {snip}

Last edited by LoveShack.org Moderator; 17th December 2017 at 11:11 AM.. Reason: snipped ~T
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Old 16th December 2017, 12:29 PM   #169
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This is a very good plan. I don't believe that CR is ready to end her marriage though.
I think it will take another abusive incident for CR to gain the strength to walk away.
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I agree with this. Unfortunately, CR is being abused and it can be very hard for a victim to stand up to their abuser. She also mentioned being conflict avoidant which makes it even more difficult to stand up for herself. CR's husband knows that CR is too downtrodden to assert herself and he enjoys it. He knows that she will not leave because of her children.
Agree, the bottom line is OP's strength and resilience. Chardonnay Renee, you've had twins and have been raising them alone under duress. You are very strong.

Being 'conflict avoidant' is not something to wear as a banner while being abused and being a mom (or ever.)
The buck has to stop sometime and it's entirely up to OP when it does.

One more time is too many. Every person has a threshold, OP's is yet to see.

Obviously, my thoughts are with you, CR. Merry Christmas and take care.
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Old 16th December 2017, 12:43 PM   #170
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I tend to believe that, if your husband were more supportive of your feelings, the MIL issue would have been much more manageable; as annoying as she was, you could just feel sorry for such a miserable old woman who has no boundaries. I was wondering if she was like this to your husband growing up? I mean, if I had a parent like this, I would be suffering first-hand and would have more compassion for those who have to deal with her constantly.

Last edited by JuneL; 16th December 2017 at 12:47 PM..
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Old 16th December 2017, 1:04 PM   #171
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OP: Would you consider printing out a copy of this thread and give it to your mother?
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Old 16th December 2017, 1:26 PM   #172
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If there is any consolation, you should count yourself lucky to see what you're getting into so early, instead of wasting another 10 years of your life getting trapped in such a situation (the wives of those men I know of didn't divorce their husband until their kids were 10 or so).
My sincere apologies if my wording was offensive (was not able to make edits). I was trying to point out things can only get worse if your husband's business gets more successful. My prediction is that, ironically, the only wake-up call to him is when his business hits a real setback (and so do his wealth and power).

And please don't feel silly to bear his children; you should feel blessed that, as bad as your relationship with you husband is, at least this relationship brought you two precious little boys.

Last edited by JuneL; 16th December 2017 at 1:39 PM..
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Old 16th December 2017, 2:16 PM   #173
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I’m hoping that CR filing for divorce will be a wake up call if she chooses to go that route.
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Old 16th December 2017, 2:20 PM   #174
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I’m hoping that CR filing for divorce will be a wake up call if she chooses to go that route.
Yes or no. I'm concerned this might be a short-term thing. He might do something to placate the OP to stay for now, since their kids are so small...this might also be why the wives I mentioned above had stayed another 10 years: they left when the husband stopped putting up a show to placate the wife to stay.

Last edited by JuneL; 16th December 2017 at 2:24 PM..
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Old 18th December 2017, 1:15 AM   #175
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How are you Renee?
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Old 18th December 2017, 2:55 AM   #176
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How are you Renee?
I've just been feeling down the last couple of days and haven't felt like talking.

I will be all right. I have a lot to do and organise over the next week with Christmas.

I will force some positives changes in the new year. I've just got to get Xmas out the way first.
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Old 18th December 2017, 9:33 AM   #177
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I wish you well.

Hang in there. Focus on your children this Christmas. You are a strong woman and you will get through this...
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Old 18th December 2017, 7:20 PM   #178
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Thanks BaileyB.

My mum flies back in today from Sydney so I've decided to meet dad at the airport so the boys and I can have lunch after she lands.

On Friday my parents will then drive down and stay with us until after Christmas. I am very much looking forward to having them over for a few days.

I wish all of you who have supported me over this year a very good Christmas with your family and friends and a safe and happy New Year's Day.

Renée.
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Old 31st December 2017, 11:45 AM   #179
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Happy New Year, Renee!
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Old 2nd January 2018, 10:17 PM   #180
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Happy New Year, Renee!
Thanks JuneL, same to you, and thanks everyone for all the wonderful supoort I've received in some pretty trying times.

I hope everyone has had a fantastic New Year and 2018 be an amazing year for all of you.
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