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I am considering sleeping in the spare room

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Old 1st December 2017, 4:53 AM   #1
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I am considering sleeping in the spare room

Hello everyone.

I am considering sleeping in the spare bedroom. I am so tired of not getting any sleep. I am sick of being groped all night if I refuse to have sex with my husband. Before anyone asks, we have sex one-to-two times a week on average.

With our seventeen-month-old twin boys which I look after full-time as a stay-at-home mum, many days I am exhausted and simply not in the mood to be touched intimately as frequently as my husband desires.

I have constantly explained to my husband that if he keeps pressuring me for sex, he will only push me away. I'm unsure as to whether he has some kind of sex addiction and cannot help himself, or if he just blatantly disrespects my need for personal space.

An incident happened a few nights back which has been the catalyst for my thinking that it's time to consider sleeping in the spare room. I know that my husband will be very unhappy, though, so I do consider such actions with some trepidation.

I understand that everyone's circumstances are individual, but I'd be curious to know if there are other couples out there who sleep in separate rooms; how has that impacted the relationship? Has it helped or caused more issues?

Thanks in advance for any helpful feedback.

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Old 1st December 2017, 7:01 AM   #2
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Renee, I feel like we have had this conversation before. I think you know what people's opinions are of your husband.

As much as you are very justified for not wanting to be groped while you are sleeping... He should, and isn't, respecting the boundaries you set when you say no.

However, I can't imagine that he is going to be happy about this. He wants more sex with you, not less. You continue to engage in a power struggle with your husband. I understand that you are tired, because of your young children. But, one or two times a week for this man, is not enough. If you make sex the bartering chip in your relationship and withhold sex and affection, he is the kind of man to feel very justified in seeking it elsewhere.

Last edited by BaileyB; 1st December 2017 at 7:28 AM..
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Old 1st December 2017, 10:21 AM   #3
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In my experience, sleeping in separate rooms is always the start of the end. Once you start doing that you're not a couple anymore, you're just house mates.
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Old 1st December 2017, 12:20 PM   #4
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People can move into separate rooms for many different reasons that may not actually hurt a marriage if there is enough of a desire to maintain connection.

Mismatched shift patterns, illness, chronic pain, post-surgery, insomnia, snoring, etc.

BUT you want a separate bedroom to actively avoid your husband and sex, then that is probably a disaster for your marriage.
And I agree with BaileyB, he WILL cheat.
OP, I can totally understand where you are coming from.
Reading what you have said on previous threads he is not an easy man to deal with, he is arrogant, entitled, narcissistic, spoilt, demanding, controlling... why do you stay?

There is more to life than money.
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Old 1st December 2017, 1:17 PM   #5
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Twice a week is plenty with twins of 17 months. I think he underestimates how hard it is.

Maybe you should go away for a couple of days and see how exhausting it is.

He needs to respect you or maybe he'll get the message of you get up and go to thr spare room.

He is what many women would call a sex pest and it just reduces the desire to be intimate when you get harassed and badgered. It may help for him to know how his behaviour is a turn off for you.
'Love is giving someone the power to destroy you, but trusting them not to'
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Old 1st December 2017, 6:42 PM   #6
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I’ve been with my husband for 25 years, we have been sleeping in separate rooms for the last several years, he is impossible to sleep with and I’m a light sleeper, it is very common and I’ve seen it on the news a few times now how common it is. Everyone needs there sleep, it’s not healthy to lose so much sleep. I’m a better wife since I get a good night sleep. Maybe if you get more sleep, you’ll be more willing to have sex, doesn’t always have to be in bed when your trying to sleep. They’re are plenty of fun places for that
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Old 1st December 2017, 9:20 PM   #7
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I'm so sorry that you're going through this, Renee.

If you feel like you need to sleep in a separate room because your husband doesn't respect your boundaries, I'm afraid this is the beginning of the end for your marriage unless you're willing to have sex more often.

Sex is the barometer for a couple's relationship. Emotional conflicts are played out in the bedroom. I think you feel resentful and stifled so you withhold sex as a way to assert your needs.

I would recommend marriage counseling rather than moving out of your bedroom.
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Old 1st December 2017, 9:30 PM   #8
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Originally Posted by BettyDraper View Post
I'm so sorry that you're going through this, Renee.

If you feel like you need to sleep in a separate room because your husband doesn't respect your boundaries, I'm afraid this is the beginning of the end for your marriage unless you're willing to have sex more often.

Sex is the barometer for a couple's relationship. Emotional conflicts are played out in the bedroom. I think you feel resentful and stifled so you withhold sex as a way to assert your needs.

I would recommend marriage counseling rather than moving out of your bedroom.
I have to agree with this. My ex and I were having sex 3-4 times a week and he was still behaving like your husband, accusing me of being abnormal for not wanting it more, even when I told him I'd discussed it with plenty of my married girlfriends and knew I was not abnormal like he insisted I was. Still, he persisted and never respected my needs at all. It ended up creating a really awful cycle of me withdrawing from him (spending time with neighborhood girlfriends), him getting angry and being really mean and even more demanding sexually because he was feeling neglected, me withdrawing more, him being more mean, me withdrawing more, and then eventually him acting out by seeking sex on hook-up websites and Craigslist (and finding it). We went through nearly two years of counseling/separation/getting back together before we ultimately divorced because I just couldn't forgive him. (Then we later reconciled, after divorce, and that ended up in even more heartbreak for me than the first time around).

I only share my story as an example. I really don't know what the answer is. I've gone through times of saying "how hard would it have been to just have sex every day?" to preserve my family. But, even that would not have been good enough for him because he didn't only require sex every day, but adoration and lust, and with the way he treated me, I just could not fake that every single day. I didn't adore him or lust after him when he was verbally and emotionally abusive to me on the days I didn't feel like having sex. It's hard!

I don't think the solution is to go to a separate bedroom, but I hope that you two can maybe figure this out with a good counselor and a softening of your husband's heart to recognize your needs, and a softening of yours to meet him in the middle.

By the way, twins rock. I am one .
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Old 1st December 2017, 10:59 PM   #9
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This is really interesting. if your having sex twice a week, your getting it in.
whats interesting about this is he associates sex with love and affection. I'm sure of it. Before I could recognize love and affection outside of sex, It was all I knew....comfort, were in, together, you love me.

it wasn't until I was older that I learned intimacy and sex were different.

he is killing you. but this is exhibit A of how communication breaks down.

his sex drive is communication. you don't have to bang him. but if you can get him to understand why, you will be happier. he doesn't recognize your boundary. be forgiving and tell him why you have it. and make him respect it
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Old 1st December 2017, 11:06 PM   #10
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Hi Renee, I cannot really say much about your situation and I think the ladies on here have analysed things in detail and given you a pretty clear picture along with the possible consequences that could flow from your moving to a separate bedroom. One thing stands out to me and that is that you and your husband are completely incompatible sexually. I do not know what the rest of your married life is like but if what you say about your sex life holds true then I doubt things would be hunky dory in other spheres of your marriage.

Having said that, I have to also say that you have to give deep thought to whether you are feeling happy and fulfilled in this union. If you are not then you know what you have to do. The fact is that marriage is all about compromise and adjusting to one another's rough edges. Both partners have to give some and take some. If one partner expects the other to do all the adjustment while remaining intractable themselves then as the words of the song go 'I'm on a Highway to hell' hold true! You have a lot on your plate and you would do well to give it a cool once over and then make your decision. Warm wishes.
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Old 2nd December 2017, 12:45 AM   #11
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Have you tried to explain to your husband the drain on you physically and emotionally of being the mom of twin seventeen-month-old boys?

Seems to me you're doing pretty good to be able to be intimate with him twice a week under the circumstances. That is not to say you shouldn't be doing it, though!

You need your sleep! Your body may still be trying to recover from pregnancy and delivery! Not to mention the rigorous demands of twin toddler boys!
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Old 2nd December 2017, 11:26 AM   #12
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I would encourage everyone who has responded to this thread to read CR's other threads.
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Old 2nd December 2017, 11:59 AM   #13
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Indeed. This has less to do with understanding the pressure and exhaustion of motherhood than it has to do with a man who likes to get whatever he wants, when he wants it. And, he doesn't like to be told No.

Let's consider again the example of the time when someone in CR family had the audacity to schedule a wedding on the day of the "big game," and her husband threw a tantrum and refused to attend the wedding.

CR, this is not a power struggle that you are going to win. You have to fight the battles that you will win, and this is not one of them. Not with this man.
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Old 2nd December 2017, 12:35 PM   #14
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I recall a male friend of my exW, actually an old BF of hers in high school, going through a similar experience with a couple of young kids in the house and his quip was, well, after drinking a bit ....'all I want is helmet (his polite euphemism for oral sex I learned) and a little understanding once in awhile'..... We were around him and his family a fair amount and he was a hard worker and engaged father but apparently had issues in this area with his wife. Well, sadly his wife and unborn son were killed in a car crash when a street racer hit her, and he later married her best friend and after that never a complaint. They were apparently more compatible. Happens.

Personally I don't think the spare bedroom as a permanent retreat will assist in achieving a healthy marriage but, used occasionally, it could give you better sleep to more fully explore your options. IMO, if your H is 'my way or highway' on every middle ground suggestion, I'd be heading for the exit. Yeah, I know there are kids but people deal with that every second of every day. Those kids are sponges right now and everything they absorb will be with them for life. Back when I was a kid I vividly remember the occasional trips my mom made to the spare bedroom. Why? My dad snored like a freight train. Heck I could hear it through the closed door. Good enough reason for me. Learned that with my exW, who also snored. I refused to do the other bedroom thing so wore earplugs. She didn't believe me so one night I set up a microphone and recorded her, burnt it to a CD and put it in her car Ha!

Anyway, no easy answers IMO. Like our MC stated at our last session, you've got a decision to make. Best wishes in your choice!
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Old 2nd December 2017, 6:11 PM   #15
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My opinion probably won't be popular here, but I took the time to read the thread and I have an opinion, so I'll go ahead...

Can you get a little help with the kids & house so you have more energy for sex with your husband? I'm sure he works pretty hard to support you and the kids, and you have the luxury of staying at home. Your job is to take care of the house, kids, and your husband.

I'm guessing most men would like decent or better food and sex as absolute basics. It's not hard to guess that if he's not getting decent sex more than twice a week, he'll start looking elsewhere. I'm a woman, and if I were married and only having sex twice a week, I'd be very disappointed and I'm sure pretty cranky.
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