trueblue2017 Posted December 1, 2017 Share Posted December 1, 2017 (edited) I've been married just over ten years. The first 5 were glorious. The second 5 were comfortable and happy. Recently, I am feeling lonely, more than usual, even when he's right next to me. Do we all end up this way? Is that just how it goes once you've been married for a long time? I was formerly married for 18 years and it was a completely different situation with a lot of abuse and fear, and ultimately, I turned to infidelity for comfort, for happiness, to feel good about myself and to feel loved and all of the things I should have been feeling in my marriage. I should have just left, but I had kids and I was also very afraid and never thought I would get out of it alive, but amazingly, I finally did! I vowed to myself not to do that this time around. But now I am starting to feel those things I was feeling before seeking out extramarital affairs. The things I am feeling are lonely, serious lack of WORDS (I love talking and sharing and he doesn't talk much), lack of anything interesting such as shared hobbies or passions, most of the hobbies that we share are things that I know he loves, so I join HIM in doing them such as watching sports, watching TV & movies. He is majorly into television, where I could be happy not even owning a TV, I'd rather read a book, take a class, create something, or be outdoors. Could too much television be responsible for the demise of a good relationship? Could too much television contribute to extreme boredom and loneliness? In the beginning, or the better days of our relationship, the TV watching was not as constant as it is now. Maybe he's bored too and watching more because of that? But I honestly think he's totally happy just laying around watching TV. Sex is phenomenal, but I honestly attribute that mostly to me (I only say this because I am very sexual and I initiate a lot because I like a lot of sex, and I am very adventurous sexually, and of course he goes with it, and I am always doing new, wild, exciting things.) So, if we had sex and watched TV 24/7, he would be totally content. But I feel that I need MORE!!! I try to talk to him about TV, but he says that he works all day (so do I) and he likes to relax with TV. Is it normal for a person to turn on the TV when they get home after work and leave it on the entire night, night after night, every night? Is it normal for someone to be happy and content with just watching TV 24/7? Am I being demanding or high maintenance because I want more to life than TV? The "boob tube?" I appreciate any help or insight anyone can give out there. Please don't hesitate to be honest with me. Thank you so much! Edited December 2, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Link to post Share on other sites
Mysterio Posted December 2, 2017 Share Posted December 2, 2017 True Blue to get more responses. You may want to break up your post a bit with paragraphs. I think you and your man need to get out more and shake up your dynamic a bit more. Link to post Share on other sites
jjgitties Posted December 2, 2017 Share Posted December 2, 2017 Is it normal for a couch potato to like to sit around and watch TV all the time? Yes, I think so. When you were seeking out extra marital affairs in your previous marriage, where did you go to seek them out? Its sounding like you are your husband aren't compatible as people. He likes doing different things than you. But at least the sex is good so thats a good thing. Link to post Share on other sites
ByMyself01 Posted December 2, 2017 Share Posted December 2, 2017 My ex was an excessive TV watcher and although he dumped me, he wasn't a bad guy. It sounds like your husband is just laid back. At least he's glued to a TV and not another woman or his phone. Accept him as he is. Link to post Share on other sites
neowulf Posted December 12, 2017 Share Posted December 12, 2017 One word. Communicate. When these feelings start to crop up, deal with them head on. Don't ponder them in isolation. Let your husband know you're starting to feel a little bored and disconnected. Try to get his buy in on things. Try to engage him. Men are funny in that we can easily fall into a "If it ain't broke" kinda attitude. If he's happy and comfortable, he may be oblivious to you being unhappy. Talk to him, openly about your unease. Give him the chance to try and work with you to fix things. It's only when people turn away from each other for their answers that things fall apart. I'd also recommend taking a week or two away from each other. Nothing hammers home how much you miss one another than suddenly being apart. Perhaps seperate holidays would help to get a sense of missing each other? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted December 12, 2017 Share Posted December 12, 2017 Marriage is boring so yes it’s normal. There are many benefits to marriage but excitement isn’t one of them. Just get used to it if you want all the perks of marriage. And DONT cheat. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Hecan Posted December 12, 2017 Share Posted December 12, 2017 Marriage is NOT. Boring. It's what the two if you make it!! Sounds like your "love language" includes intimate conversation, maybe words of affirmation? You have been married 10 years. If you don't tell him just that, just what you need, he won't know. Don't assume !! Also, consider planning something. It's ok to be tired after work. What about weekend ? Or when you have time off ? PLAN With him for things to do. You have to put forth effort ( as does he). Come up with things besides sports on TV that you both would like. So glad you are no longer in an abusive relationship. This one sounds pretty laid back. Communicate what YOU need and then ask him what he needs. Don't accept mediocrity. ( but don't cheat and don't give up easily. ). If every marriage ended when things got in a rut, I am sure most wouldn't stay married. That's why it requires work! Good luck !!! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
dichotomy Posted December 12, 2017 Share Posted December 12, 2017 (edited) He is majorly into television, where I could be happy not even owning a TV, I'd rather read a book, take a class, create something, or be outdoors. So whats stopping you doing this - yourself - while remaining in the marriage and without cheating. Go read a book - or join a book club with others, take a class, join a hiking group or bird watching, get a membership at a gym or yoga studio, volunteer, etc... lots to do out there. Suggest you might try to limit as much as possible to womens groups - but anything should be fine. Look sex is good, he is nice (not abusive) but boring. Thats not half bad! So go add a bit more - in your own life. Edited December 12, 2017 by dichotomy 2 Link to post Share on other sites
MrsSimpf Posted December 13, 2017 Share Posted December 13, 2017 Congratulations on bringing your life to such a better place after life with an abuser. How awful/difficult! This husband sounds very loyal to you--and apparently treats you well, but he may in fact just love television and brings you stability but not excitement. We woman at this stage of life still want some excitement! We went through the same thing when the kids were grown. I'd joke that I was left with him, who rarely initiated anything fun with me. Sooo, we had many talks about it. Your husband obviously loves you in that he is home with you. That's a good thing. Is it possible he is very used to you taking the lead in things, such as you described about sex? Perhaps talking to him about scheduling some new activities together may be all you need to do to enjoy new things? Perhaps agree to one night a week initially that there is no TV and explore a new activity or a dinner out or an outdoor something? Communication is key--and continuing the trust in your relationship (no infidelity) is key so you can each open your minds to new things together. Yes, you may need to keep taking the lead but it doesn't mean you can get there together. And yes, it's normal after some years to settle into routines that can be super boring! Being mindful to do interesting things together is what we need to do--like watering perennial flowers. They can't thrive year after year without nourishment. In our case, we now have our "famous day trips," which are about once a month. It works for us, with our jobs and other commitments. Sending prayers for you to create new memories and connections together. Link to post Share on other sites
SteadyPace77 Posted December 17, 2017 Share Posted December 17, 2017 Why can't he wind down from work by spending time with you? Perhaps one day a week the TV is off limits during a certain time and you both can carve out time together. A compromise is needed. Does he know how unhappy it makes you when he's in front of the TV all evening? It may be common sense but some guys need to be hit on the head in order for the message to register. Kudos for keeping the sex life amazing. Link to post Share on other sites
Xamer Posted December 17, 2017 Share Posted December 17, 2017 I feel the same I have been married for 18 years. I have just decided to leave . All my husband does is watch tv and sleep. We once had great sex now we have none. Sometimes I wonder if humans are really meant to stay with the same person for ever. Although I have parents and grandparents who had long marriages I wonder if it's the norm. Awful to say. Maybe I will meet another and change my opinion. I'm only 42 and I feel if I don't leave I will cheat so I've decided to leave. Good luck to you I hope it gets better. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
SteadyPace77 Posted December 17, 2017 Share Posted December 17, 2017 I feel the same I have been married for 18 years. I have just decided to leave . All my husband does is watch tv and sleep. We once had great sex now we have none. Sometimes I wonder if humans are really meant to stay with the same person for ever. Although I have parents and grandparents who had long marriages I wonder if it's the norm. Awful to say. Maybe I will meet another and change my opinion. I'm only 42 and I feel if I don't leave I will cheat so I've decided to leave. Good luck to you I hope it gets better. Married 15 years and am beginning to wonder the same thing myself.. Link to post Share on other sites
Arieswoman Posted December 17, 2017 Share Posted December 17, 2017 Trueblue2017, Has he always been a big fan of the "Idiots' Lantern" of is this something that has developed gradually? Link to post Share on other sites
treehugger12 Posted December 17, 2017 Share Posted December 17, 2017 I feel the same I have been married for 18 years. I have just decided to leave . All my husband does is watch tv and sleep. We once had great sex now we have none. Sometimes I wonder if humans are really meant to stay with the same person for ever. Although I have parents and grandparents who had long marriages I wonder if it's the norm. Awful to say. Maybe I will meet another and change my opinion. I'm only 42 and I feel if I don't leave I will cheat so I've decided to leave. Good luck to you I hope it gets better. I’m in the same boat but a little older and married 24 years and I did cheat once a few months ago, I know it was wrong but my marriage has run totally dry, my husband is a major gamer and just I don’t feel connected with him anymore:( Link to post Share on other sites
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