Love isn't easy? (If guys could answer, especially)

[Alishathefirst]

My husband and I got married 7 years ago. It has never been an easy marriage by any means. There have been times where we've taken a break. Times we both wondered what in the world we were doing. We stayed together mainly because we have a son and he deserves to have two parents in the household and a stable life. We have worked on our relationship almost this entire time. There have been tragic situations and some we made ourselves.

 

I have a few questions however. If the men here could answer especially, I'd love your opinion, to give me better perspective on what's going on. My mind jumps to conclusions and I just don't know.

 

Sometimes, when we are laying in bed, and I know he's wanting intimacy but I don't. I speak up and say not right now or such. It's not like it's never. There are many times I spontaneously 'help him out' or engage. Sometimes I do and sometimes I don't. I've had past 'issues' that make intimacy difficult for me. I've gotten better I think, but it's hard to tell. Anyway, I'll use the last time as an example.

 

We were laying in bed and I had told him not now. I was exhausted from the days work. I could feel him 'gently' thrusting against me. As if I couldn't feel what he was doing, so I'd push him back a bit and tell him not right now. Then after a while, especially if he thinks I'm asleep. He'll start even more gently push against me. This latest time, I just got up and he looked shocked as if he thought I wouldn't notice.

 

So, is this weird? Or is this somewhat normal for guys to do? I've never really had a normal relationship so I don't know. Does every guy do this? Are they unable to control themselves when they are turned on and can't stop themselves if it gets touched in any way?

 

I mean, I don't think I've 'neglected' him in this way. I've tried initiating things before or made sure to find time for him for intimacy plus it makes me happy to make him happy. I do my best to help him know I love him, his body, mind, and soul.

 

Yet, this feels...wrong. Like he's not respecting me, and when he stops sometimes it's not because he's respecting me at all. It's like he's pushing my boundaries and trying to get me to just give in to give him what he wants. Then it doesn't feel loving at all. Like it's about being with me, like it's just about him getting off and not being with me. If this makes sense.

 

I know I'm rambling a bit, I'm sorry. This sort of thing makes me a bit nervous. The talking about it to others part, not necessarily the intimacy part.

[S2B]

As long as you pull that power card - sex will never be enjoyed between you two.

 

Why don't you face your prior issues so you can enjoy your man?

 

Why not heal so you can view sex and intimacy as a positive experience?

 

You carry your negativity into your marriage. Deal with that first...then be loving and kind to your husband.

 

FWIW - everyone has a hard life...and most marriages have loads of tough times. What you do to combat that is what makes a difference.

 

Start doing what you can.

[Alishathefirst]

What do you mean power card? I'm sorry, I just don't understand. I know I haven't exactly dealt with everything, but I'm doing the best that I can. I've been talking with a counselor about these things and working through them, and talking about them with him. I'm trying to be respectful and have open communications with him.

 

I can view sex and intimacy as a positive experience. That just wasn't one of them, which was why I was bringing it up. I don't know why it happens.

 

You say then be loving and kind to my husband. How am I not? If it sounds like I'm being anything other than confused, that's not what I'm meaning. I'm truly wanting to understand how what I have done isn't?

 

I'm not in any way trying to say my life is harder or my marriage is more difficult. Not trying to compare at all. Just saying it seems just to be really tough and I'm trying to figure it out so it can get better, to know what to do, because I'm just at a loss on what to do about things.

[S2B]

How often do you have sex with your husband? How often of those times do YOU initiate it?

 

Sorry - just gathering info for now to see how to help.

[Alishathefirst]

I understand, it's no big deal. I want others to ask questions to try and figure it out. I usually try and engage at least once a week if not more. We both have full time jobs so sometimes it doesn't work, but sometimes if I'm not up to it. I still help him out. It's usually okay? I feel happy I could make him feel good, not bothered at all, and he seems happy. But like I said, it's just the once in a while when I say no I'm not up to it or something.

[S2B]

I understand, it's no big deal. I want others to ask questions to try and figure it out. I usually try and engage at least once a week if not more. We both have full time jobs so sometimes it doesn't work, but sometimes if I'm not up to it. I still help him out. It's usually okay? I feel happy I could make him feel good, not bothered at all, and he seems happy. But like I said, it's just the once in a while when I say no I'm not up to it or something.

 

It's odd that you describe it like you're doing him a favor.

 

Do you really enjoy sex? It's something you could use as enjoyment and as a true and authentic way to enjoy loving/being loved.

 

I sense an imbalance - like it's something you want to with hold - as if it's power that you hold onto - instead of love where there's no sense of any power imbalance. When it's loving behavior the power play never becomes a part of it - it's equally given and received - so it's effortless.

 

Does that makes sense? Can you be open to changing that mind set?

[Alishathefirst]

Isn't it a favor? In the none sort of tally sort of way. I mean, I'm not keeping tabs on exactly how often I do it for him. It's like a favor in a gift sort of way. My way of showing him how much I love him and his body as they are basically one and the same together.

 

I actually really do like sex, but it can't be anything where I feel like I'm forced into the situation where I feel I have no choice.

 

But maybe there is something to what you are saying. I've felt like he wasn't putting himself entirely in the moment, like he just wants to get it over with. But perhaps he's picking up on how I feel sometimes. Not that I really do want it to just be over with, but there is a fear inside that I can't seem to get rid of. A fear that if I really just. Goodness just saying it is hard. If I am entirely, and completely vulnerable, something bad might happen?

 

Do you think what happened might be the reason he is doing what he is? Like what I described at first?

[S2B]

Ya gotta get rid of that fear. Fear has no business meddling in love and loving behavior.

 

Being vulnerable to the one you love is why you're in that relationship.

 

Why have your guard up? To protect yourself from being loved fully? No no no... you're going about this all backwards...

 

Stop allowing the past to affect what is good... that makes you the victim again every time - the victim of yourself for allowing that bad scenario control what could be the ultimate happiness for you.

 

Let that $hit go honey... let it go.live in moments that are beautiful and embrace that they are meaningful.

 

Connect with your H every chance you get - that way you can grow that love bigger!

 

Life's too short - make things great! Do your part and enjoy the times you have.

[Alishathefirst]

If it was that easy, I would have done it. It's a really sensitive subject going into what's behind all of that, but I think it's already understood. What I'm protecting myself from is it happening again, because sometimes it feels like he's not respecting me when I say no which is what I was mentioning.

 

I'm trying to wrap my head around this, because it's just plain confusing. My brain gets muddled. I feel like I can't be vulnerable because he can't respect when I say no. I try and say yes more often than no, because I know it's not exactly fair to have some sort of power. I don't want to even see it as power at all because that's horrible to me. Power has no place in the bedroom unless it's someone's kink, but that's another subject.

 

I feel like this is a little too focused on me and not both. Yes, it makes me a bit uncomfortable delving into mine, but I am open to hearing what others have to say and trying to understand it. I mean. Is it really my past that is making me think he's not respecting me when he starts doing that when I say no?

[S2B]

If it was that easy, I would have done it. It's a really sensitive subject going into what's behind all of that, but I think it's already understood. What I'm protecting myself from is it happening again, because sometimes it feels like he's not respecting me when I say no which is what I was mentioning.

 

I'm trying to wrap my head around this, because it's just plain confusing. My brain gets muddled. I feel like I can't be vulnerable because he can't respect when I say no. I try and say yes more often than no, because I know it's not exactly fair to have some sort of power. I don't want to even see it as power at all because that's horrible to me. Power has no place in the bedroom unless it's someone's kink, but that's another subject.

 

I feel like this is a little too focused on me and not both. Yes, it makes me a bit uncomfortable delving into mine, but I am open to hearing what others have to say and trying to understand it. I mean. Is it really my past that is making me think he's not respecting me when he starts doing that when I say no?

 

Sit him down and talk it through. Tell him how you feel and then listen to how he feels.

 

Then come up with a plan that works for both of you.

 

 

It is focused on you because you are the only one you can change. It's all about how you can change the dynamics of this.

 

Btw - women always have more power in the bedroom- misuse of that power can really kill the loving atmosphere.

 

Talk it through.

[Alishathefirst]

I feel like we've hashed this out so many times. I understand I'm the only one that can change. That part I completely agree with. I guess I don't understand what I can change or what not, besides the fear based things which aren't always there any more.

 

I agree than women have a lot of power. I've seen it misused. I agree it really does go badly if handled wrong. I've always tried to keep respect in the bedroom. I've tried to make sure he understood where I stand on various things. If I didn't want to, I usually explained why.

 

I'll be frank. I would love to have more trust and intimacy. To have a sort of beautiful loss when it comes to the bedroom. TO share a moment without the rest of the world barging in. Where we focus on each other a hundred percent. Where we can love each other until time doesn't matter any more. Until our souls are once again at peace in each other's arms.

 

It just doesn't feel like it's there yet. I'm trying to get closer to that, but it seems to be at a stand still. How can I better help him understand when he pushes against me when he thinks I won't notice bothers me? How can I establish trust better when I feel he's testing my boundaries to see what line he can cross? Is it really all up to me to open the discussion up about all of this again? Is it nagging if I do?

 

What I feel like happens is I'll try and engage him by expressing my interest. In our usual way that he knows what I'm up to. The best case scenario is he notices immediately and we have a bit of fun. We're both smiling and take a shower together. And we go to sleep together.

 

What usually happens from my point of view is he gets excited to be engaged. He skips any and all foreplay. I'll try and guide him to what I'm hoping for, but most of the time he's excited enough he ignores it. I try and let it go and just go with the flow as people say. And I get my head back in the game. We do the usual but he seems to try and just get the job done as fast as he can. Not enjoy the experience, the journey to the summit , but just rush off and leap off the cliff as soon as possible. I end up being a tad disappointed and try and ask if we can still be together and spend time together. He seems to be agreeable until he'll suddenly say he has to go check something on his phone. Then it's all over.

 

I hope this gives better insight. How can I change my behavior so he's more willing to stay? Because the reason I get disappointed is because its over. It would go away if we could hug, cuddle, kiss and in general be affectionate afterwards. How can I make this better because it feels like its creating a rift between us. The biggest being a couple days ago where I got him off and asked him if he would be willing to come help me out. And he stared at me blankly as if he didn't know what I was talking about. Then proceeded to tell me that he wouldn't do that. Not now not ever.

[S2B]

So he needs to understand if he's not going to participate on a level that please you completely - the vault is closed until further notice.

 

He's horny. He's selfish. He's a man.

 

Approach with a boundary and make it perfectly clear "you are a woman that needs care and attention".

 

If he's not willing to become attentive to your needs as much as his then he needs to help himself every day moving forward.

 

Then see how much he becomes willing to pay attention to what pleases you.

 

He needs to quit being selfish.

 

Keep working on your trauma. It's the root of the issue.

[Alishathefirst]

So, you are saying there's not really much I can do to encourage him to be more so besides shut it all down? I'll certain keep working on my issues. I never stop doing so until I reach a point where it no longer affects me.

 

I suppose I was hoping there could be something I could do. Someway to help him understand. I know I can't change other people or their behavior. Which is all fine and well, but understanding can be reached. Maybe there isn't a way to reach that until he's willing to see both sides and be more open minded about what to do about things.

[S2B]

So, you are saying there's not really much I can do to encourage him to be more so besides shut it all down? I'll certain keep working on my issues. I never stop doing so until I reach a point where it no longer affects me.

 

I suppose I was hoping there could be something I could do. Someway to help him understand. I know I can't change other people or their behavior. Which is all fine and well, but understanding can be reached. Maybe there isn't a way to reach that until he's willing to see both sides and be more open minded about what to do about things.

 

My suggestion was made after you've said you've explained it to him several times.

 

If he's not respecting you after that and violating you that way I can't offer other things without him knowing there are consequences for his complete disregard for your feelings.

 

He needs a wake up call - this is based on what you can change.

 

Hopefully your change affects him enough to consider changing himself too.

[chinadiary]

I understand that in marriage you sometimes have to have sex when you wouldn't choose to. But somebody masturbating on you isn't cool. If he's so horny he can't help himself, he should respect your no, get up and do it somewhere else.

 

It sounds as if you're a rape survivor. It would be awful if the man you loved pushed you away, when a little more attention to your sexual needs could make your intimate time better for both of you.

 

Have you considered going to sex therapy together? They'll teach you to enjoy each other's bodies completely long before they bring sex in.

[SexDepraved]

My very first post on here. Your question is what I am going through with my girlfriend. I would honestly say, from a guy's perspective, you have to look put yourself in his shoes. It makes him feel like he's not "wanted" in a way. Also, that there is something "wrong" with him.

 

That is always going to be on his mind, thinking he may be doing something wrong that does not turn you on.

 

Just my honest opinion.

Edited November 25, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Merge

[road]

OP, how many times a week do you have sex?

 

How many times a week does your husband ask for sex?

 

Of that how many times is it the full deal?

 

How many times you just helped him out?

 

How many times do you tell him no?

[elaine567]

Is it really my past that is making me think he's not respecting me when he starts doing that when I say no?

 

It has nothing to do with your past, he is selfish.

The "Not now, not ever" comment is not a good sign.

There is NOTHING you can ever do on your own, to change that mentality.

You could be super loving, have sex with him every night and day, pander to his every whim and he will still just take, take, take...

 

YOU could shut him down and "force" him to "help you out" but it will not be done willingly and he will start to resent you for it.

He likes sex the way things are.

 

I guess you were being the "good wife" and sex was all about his orgasm and how he felt.

Now you are older and wiser, you want sex to be better for you.

It is not, I feel, that uncommon and is often the reason for women shutting down sex all together.

She wants sex to be more of "an experience", and he is happier with a physiological release as and when he needs it = sexual incompatibility.

 

He was dumbfounded because he has been "trained" to discount your needs and demand his own. Hence the pushing of your boundaries when you clearly said no and his blank refusal to do something that would satisfy you.

He has learned sex is only for him and he has essentially now told you that.

 

It is a fundamental disconnect and I am not sure how you get over it.

That is why it is so essential to find people who "get" you sexually and who are on the same page.

[chinadiary]

Again, I think sex therapy would help. Although it sounds as if he's the sort of guy who would refuse.

 

Does he care if you orgasm?

 

He needs a male friend to tell him that if you don't orgasm, that you will not want sex with him.

[salparadise]

It's odd that you describe it like you're doing him a favor. [...]

I sense an imbalance - like it's something you want to withhold - as if it's power that you hold onto - instead of love where there's no sense of any power imbalance. When it's loving behavior the power play never becomes a part of it - it's equally given and received - so it's effortless.

As long as you pull that power card - sex will never be enjoyed between you two.

What do you mean power card?

 

Isn't it a favor? In the none sort of tally sort of way. I mean, I'm not keeping tabs on exactly how often I do it for him. It's like a favor in a gift sort of way.

 

This attitude –– that you're doing it FOR him –– runs consistently throughout these posts. And not only that, but that you are inherently entitled to limit his access to sex based on gender, mood, drive, issues (whatever that is), and that when you do have sex that he should be appreciative that you're up for it occasionally. This is not going to bode well for the long term health of your marriage. Resentment will set in and it will manifest in myriad ways, none good.

 

Women do have power. You understand that very well... the part you're not getting is that exercising that power (by withholding) is detrimental. You can easily win every battle, with the outcome being you lose the war.

 

Think about the horniest you've ever been in your life... then think about how it would feel to you if the only person who could fulfill your desire said, eh, I don't think so. I just don't want to be bothered with it tonight. That's probably what he feels every time you reject his advances. With men it's more physiologically intense. When he wakes up in the night grinding on you, it's because he's in a high state of arousal that you probably don't quite relate to. You're called it disrespect because you already told him no. Do you really think that he can just switch it off as easily as flipping a light switch? Why don't you reframe it to something like, he's highly aroused –– poor guy, the man I love, needs to cum, desires me intensely, and I have the power to take care of his needs, and I want to because I love him. Try and tune into your submissiveness... that's power too, ya know.

 

I was in a marriage where this dynamic was happening. Eventually I became so resentful that I started withholding too. It was like, screw this... if I'm not allowed to initiate sex when I want it, I'm not going to be johnny-on-the-spot once a month when her hormones put her in a state of frustration. Let's see how this works out. Well, she was aghast that I'd have audacity to turn her down.

 

I've been in a few relationships since then, and one in particular had the diametrically opposite dynamic. She never turned sex down... we'd have sex in the afternoon, at bedtime, again at 3am, and again at first light. Ok, that didn't happen ALL the time, but the point is that her mentality was such that there was not limit on my access. I'm sure there must've been times when she wasn't into it as much as me, but I never, ever heard a complaint.

 

Learn to enjoy that power in a way that brings you together.

 

Dialogue from Schindler's List:

 

Schindler: "He begs for his life, he knows he's going to die. And the Emperor... pardons him. This worthless man, he lets him go.

 

Goeth: I think you are drunk.

 

Schindler: That's power, Amon. That is power.

[kgcolonel]

Here's an idea that may satisfy both of your needs.

 

1. Agree with your H on the frequency of the sex per week....may at this stage, 2x's a week.

 

2. You select the nights that you're open to interaction (you're now in control and hopefully less fear). On these nights establish a signal, i.e. candles or lingerie etc, something he can't miss. (We're guys, we can step over dirty laundry and not even notice...)

 

3. You create the scene, i.e. at bedtime in the bedroom or a nooner etc that works for you. Again, you're in control and he by you initiating, feels pursued and valued.

 

4. Agree that if he's in need on a day that you have not chosen, he is welcome to "self-satisfy" but not next to you in bed, take care of business before coming to bed.

 

I have learned in my 34 years of marriage that rarely are both partners in That mood at exactly the same time. Either one declining the opportunity is seen and felt as a rejection by the other. Mutual respect is a must and a happy medium is needed. Many psychologists suggest to go with the flow and you'll soon Be in the Mood but I personally don't feel that if you're not there, you should "feel the obligation".

 

One last idea is to create a setting that is arousing to you and this will help it be more about you getting something rather than "doing him a favor". Trust me, guys don't want charity work here....that is as bad as rejection. More communication is needed between you and your H.

[d0nnivain]

I'm a woman. But a couple of things jumped out at me.

 

First you need to understand a basic idea: women need to feel loved to have sex but men need sex to feel loved. If you want more romance, give him more sex.

 

I also don't understand why a woman would frequently turn down her partner. One of my EXs had a very high sex drive. Sometimes I'd be too tired. When he would nudge at me like OP's husband. I usually had the same response: OK but you gotta get me going & I'm probably just gonna lay there. My partner was fine with that. To him it was better than a straight up no. More times then not, I'd end up getting a second wind but not always & he'd be more gentle then. It was a compromise. Early on he had suggested I just lay there & "let him". I thought it was odd but the least I can do. We talked about it over the years & he often commented that it was something that showed him more deeply then a lot of things that I really cared about him.

 

So OP, my suggestion is give the above a try. If you can get your husband to get you aroused or at least use lube, I think it will solve several other issues in your marriage.

[chinadiary]

Does no one else think it's problematic that he isn't interested in helping HER orgasm and that he flat out refused????

[chinadiary]

I got him off and asked him if he would be willing to come help me out. And he stared at me blankly as if he didn't know what I was talking about. Then proceeded to tell me that he wouldn't do that. Not now not ever.

 

 

 

Not now not ever. In response to him getting HER off.

 

What woman desires a man with that attitude?

[somanymistakes]

Guys, marital rape is still a crime.

 

OP - unfortunately there are many guys who DO feel entitled to a woman's body, especially if they married her. That you are a prized possession who is obligated to provide sex at all times and places, and if you do anything else, you are an evil bitch making a power play.

 

THAT SAID - if you constantly feel like having sex with him is doing him a favor, rather than a thing you both enjoy together, then the relationship is broken on your end as well.

 

It should not be something he demands of you. It should not be something you offer to him only to placate him. It certainly shouldn't be something where he expects you to get him off and flatly refuses to help you have any pleasure of your own.

 

Honestly, my opinion of this situation is that your relationship with your husband is likely damaged beyond saving, especially if you've been in counseling all this time and it's STILL this bad.

 

I say leave him, then take some time to rediscover the joy of sexual pleasure and intimacy for yourself, then try to find a new relationship based on MUTUAL DESIRE. Sex should be something you both WANT to do together!