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So I was stupid, but now he is threatening to call the FBI on me or my family


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I did something not so smart, I guess, but I am trying to determine what is the normal reaction.

 

My fiancé has been telling me that he is trying to contact the church to get the process going for setting a date for our wedding. He has been very weird about it. I set up one of the appointments and he had to work. It ended in a fight, so I asked him to please set it up.

 

That was months ago. He said they emailed back and forth and then blamed me and said he just doesn’t know my schedule.

 

So, I was getting anxious. I did a fake email and sent it to him (as if I was the church) asking if he would like to set up a time to come in….for next week. (DUMB, I know).

 

He must have never actually talked via email with them because he IMMEDIATELY called them and asked for the person and found out that the name was not real — and IMMEDIATELY accused me of doing this.

 

I told him I was working and din’t know what he was talking about and would discuss later.

 

After this, he suggested if it wasn’t me— it would possibly be my mother (who he knows dislikes him and refuses to talk to him because of prior drama in our relationship from him).

 

He called me while I was at work and told me he hired a Private Investigator. He was turning the email over to them and that he would be prepared to press charges against the person responsible.

 

I looked at the email account and he also sent a very horrible email telling the person that they are sick and disgusting piece of **** and he knows who they are. He told me that he put spyware on the email too and that their entire computer is going to be tracked and turned over to the FBI.

 

I said ok so you think this is me…or my mother and you are threatening the FBI? With a church email about coming in to talk about marriage?

 

He said he’s sick of this and he wants my mother to know that he won’t stand for it and that I better protect him and stand by him….

 

This was yesterday and today …he emailed that address again and said ‘you are hesitant to open your new emails —sicko. I have called the police on you’

 

I don’t think the police will give a ****….BUT i do think that my computer has spyware on it now and he is also still talking about the authorities.

 

I know I was wrong for what I did, but is this even close to normal ?

 

I said well, why don’t we just go in and talk to the pastor as you said …..he said his work is very busy right now…

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CautiouslyOptimistic

What?!? Huh? How old are you two?

 

Why did you send this weird fake email if you didn't want to actually meet to talk about a wedding? I think you're leaving out some crucial information. What is actually going on here?

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You two should not get married. You spend too much time lying to each other. He has been lying to you about his interactions with the church to set up the wedding. Instead of just taking the bull by the horns & calling the church then discussing with him about why he hadn't done it & why you set this elaborate hoax.

 

 

What you did is not a crime. His threats might be. He sounds seriously unstable.

 

 

Your mother doesn't like him. From what you have written it seems like she has good reason.

 

 

No this is not normal but it is a huge wake up call. You best listen.

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I DO!!! I want the wedding. I wanted to see what he would say. I think HE has been lying to me about this.

 

I just wanted to see if he would set up the time. HE IS DELAYING...

 

And we are both in our late thirties. It will be his third marriage.. My first.

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It will be his third marriage.. My first.

 

 

There is an even better reason to reconsider marrying him. He sucks at this. Don't be his 3rd victim

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It was a crime of stupidity. I just knew that I had already talked to the church and I couldn't get away wiht calling them... I should NOT have done what I did.

 

But for him to be threatening the FBI -- I just feel like wow.

 

I just want him.. to commit to me. I want him to set a date. We live together. He is not religious

 

 

You two should not get married. You spend too much time lying to each other. He has been lying to you about his interactions with the church to set up the wedding. Instead of just taking the bull by the horns & calling the church then discussing with him about why he hadn't done it & why you set this elaborate hoax.

 

 

What you did is not a crime. His threats might be. He sounds seriously unstable.

 

 

Your mother doesn't like him. From what you have written it seems like she has good reason.

 

 

No this is not normal but it is a huge wake up call. You best listen.

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I just want him.. to commit to me. I want him to set a date. We live together. He is not religious

 

 

Do you realize he can't even commit to making an appointment?

 

 

He already has 2 divorces under his belt. Commitment is not his thing. Forcing it won't work. You are going to be hurt.

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The FBI wouldn't care about this - you're hardly a threat to the people.

 

Why are you expecting him to deal with a church if he's not religious?

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CautiouslyOptimistic
It was a crime of stupidity. I just knew that I had already talked to the church and I couldn't get away wiht calling them... I should NOT have done what I did.

 

But for him to be threatening the FBI -- I just feel like wow.

 

I just want him.. to commit to me. I want him to set a date. We live together. He is not religious

 

I am not at all really following your reasoning of this train wreck, but I'm almost positive the FBI would have no interest in this crazy childish drama. Is there some other reason you're afraid of the FBI?

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BarbedFenceRider

Set aside the stupid email crap. And tell about your history. How you guys met, what are the ages. Why the mom doesn't get along with him. Who brought up marriage, and why? Why you feel need for commitment from a 2 time loser. Seriously. He may look like a diamond and smell of roses to you but , he didn't 2 times prior...

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He mandated we go through this thorough church process because his parents want it.

 

I asked for civil marriage… and church after. He said no…he wants to do this the ‘right way’. He is NOT religious. I used to go to church and he texted through it …and has avoided church over the last year….

 

He is using it as a delay tactic.

 

And no, I’m not worried about the FBI — but he is making these threats and I’m curious what the authorities would think of HIM and his spyware on my computer now…

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CautiouslyOptimistic

 

And no, I’m not worried about the FBI — but he is making these threats and I’m curious what the authorities would think of HIM and his spyware on my computer now…

 

Unless he's a member of ISIS, probably nothing.

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And we are both in our late thirties. It will be his third marriage.. My first.

 

Oh Lordy.

 

This man has already said "I do till death do us part" twice over before he is 40 years old?!?!?!?!?!

 

SEVENTY THREE - 73% of third marriages end in divorce within 5 years.

 

Do you really think that you two have a bond so strong, trust so deep, mutual understanding and compassion, support of family, plus the communication skills to end up in the victorious 27%?

 

This is NOT how a successful marriage starts. This is how a marriage that ends in divorce starts.

 

He is using it as a delay tactic.

 

Why do you want to be the third bride of a man that doesn't want to marry you?

 

Also, what sort of church is this? Did he get his other two marriages annulled?

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He had his first Catholic marriage annulled over a decade ago (he didn’t want the annulment — his ex wife did becasue he left her). Then he got married civilly for the second marriage and he seems to be using his desire for an annulment from the second marriage as a delay tactic on me.

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He's not marriage material. And, if you think you have to fake an email from the church to figure out whether or not he's marriage material, you aren't, either.

 

Run, don't walk, away from this trainwreck before you become the 3rd exMrs.

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Can you give us a list of why you want to marry him, and why you believe it will be FOREVER this time, when his other promises of forever were just temporary?

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CautiouslyOptimistic
He had his first Catholic marriage annulled over a decade ago (he didn’t want the annulment — his ex wife did becasue he left her). Then he got married civilly for the second marriage and he seems to be using his desire for an annulment from the second marriage as a delay tactic on me.

 

So he's still married to his second wife?

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GunslingerRoland

You think your fiance sabotaged your computer and reported you to the FBI, yet you still want to drag him into marriage kicking and screaming even though he seems like he doesn't want to?

 

This can't be real? Can it?

 

If it is, just reread what you've said about your relationship, imagine it as any other person, and try to figure out any reason why you would tell the person not to leave right away. I guarantee you won't be able to.

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That’s a very good point. And our relationship hasn’t been perfect, either. He uses threats of leaving me — as a way to get me into a place that I feel very insecure.

 

He really seems devoted to me… and says he loves me very much. He does a lot for me… I see that. So, it’s hard for me to think that we won’t last… we’ve been through a lot together.

 

I feel like if we could get through what we did… we will stand the test of time.


I think what does worry me though…is the fact that he cheated on his first wife and when I met him he was dating a 22 year old. (which i was not aware of until after the first year)

 

I think what is triggering me to do stupid **** like that email…is the fact that I want commitment. Yes, i have a gorgeous ring…and I live with him….but I want him wearing a wedding ring…

 

I just feel like i’m ‘not good enough’ or something… and I don’t want to waste the rest of my life. It’s like I need some ammo to tackle this. As my dad used to say …**** or get off the pot. And it’s HARD. I do love him…

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CautiouslyOptimistic
That’s a very good point. And our relationship hasn’t been perfect, either.

 

He really seems devoted to me… and says he loves me very much. He does a lot for me… I see that. So, it’s hard for me to think thHe uses threats of leaving me — as a way to get me into a place that I feel very insecure. at we won’t last… we’ve been through a lot together.

 

I feel like if we could get through what we did… we will stand the test of time.


I think what does worry me though…is the fact that he cheated on his first wife and when I met him he was dating a 22 year old. (which i was not aware of until after the first year)

 

I think what is triggering me to do stupid **** like that email…is the fact that I want commitment. Yes, i have a gorgeous ring…and I live with him….but I want him wearing a wedding ring…

 

I just feel like i’m ‘not good enough’ or something… and I don’t want to waste the rest of my life. It’s like I need some ammo to tackle this. As my dad used to say …**** or get off the pot. And it’s HARD. I do love him…

 

Sarast, I don't know the details, but I feel for you. You deserve to be the one and only, not having to deal with any exes or baggage from his last/current/ending relationship.

 

The fact that you said, "He uses threats of leaving me — as a way to get me into a place that I feel very insecure." .....this makes me sad for you. You do not have to stand for this, because it is just not normal/respectful behavior in a relationship. If you feel like it's acceptable, we are here to tell you it is not, and maybe you should get some counseling or something to advise you how to keep away from men like this.

 

You're worth more than this.

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You are plenty good enough but you are not thinking clearly. This man had scrambled your brain. He is unworthy of you but has made you believe it's your fault. It's not. It's his fault he's a crappy partner.

 

 

You want happily ever after. His definition of forever is until he gets bored.

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Thank you :( It’s very tough. I am very anxious about all of this and honestly hearing him threatening me (or my mom) with the FBI makes me think that he might not exactly be sane.

 

He THINKS he is scaring me. I was thinking about handing over my computer to document the spyware. That in of itself is illegal. He can’t do that… spying on me and all my communications? Not cool.

 

Sure I was wrong. Should I just own up to it? Tell him I did it? I have avoided saying anything. I guess I should but he will just sit there and yell at me all night and tell me i’m unstable and that’s why he won’t set a date.

 

I was crying this morning over all of his anger and threats and I told him I just want to feel safe with him and he said that my tears are nothing but an act and he can’t deal with my drama. He said that if i couldn’t stop crying he would hang up on me.

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CautiouslyOptimistic
Thank you :( It’s very tough. I am very anxious about all of this and honestly hearing him threatening me (or my mom) with the FBI makes me think that he might not exactly be sane.

 

He THINKS he is scaring me. I was thinking about handing over my computer to document the spyware. That in of itself is illegal. He can’t do that… spying on me and all my communications? Not cool.

 

Sure I was wrong. Should I just own up to it? Tell him I did it? I have avoided saying anything. I guess I should but he will just sit there and yell at me all night and tell me i’m unstable and that’s why he won’t set a date.

 

I was crying this morning over all of his anger and threats and I told him I just want to feel safe with him and he said that my tears are nothing but an act and he can’t deal with my drama. He said that if i couldn’t stop crying he would hang up on me.

 

At this point, I don't think it matters what you do. If you have self respect, there's no reason you should actually want to save a relationship with this abusive man. :(.

 

What's in it for you? What are you getting from it? And you are not allowed to say "I love him!" What are YOU getting from it?

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I know it doesn’t sound good. I feel sick to my stomach thinking about it. When we were arguing yesterday i was out of town. So i woke up around 3am and couldn’t sleep. I tried calling him early this morning and i told him i needed him.

 

He just said that i seem unstable and that he doesn’t know how i can expect him to want to set a wedding date when I’m acting so insane.

 

As i mentioned that just made me cry more.

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You shouldn't be thinking about getting married anytime soon...

 

Trust, communication, respect... All things that are essential for a healthy marriage. You don't have any of these with this man right now.

 

I think you seriously need to reconsider this relationship. Don't think about the big party... Think about what life would be like with this man.

 

HUGE RED FLAGS here. I'm sorry.

Edited by BaileyB
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