Where I am today

[alsudduth]

So we are at 1 year, and 4 and a half months into reconciliation and NC with OM.

 

Things are going okay. We aren't in wedded bliss, though we aren't fighting or resentful that I can tell.

 

I continue to try everyday to be a better wife and mother. Some days are easier than others. Some days I really feel like my husband is just back to his old withdrawn ways, like being unresponsive to my attempts at being close with him which causes me to put up a wall of protection....but I see changes in other ways, such as engaging with our children on his own and making an effort to do things as a family. He is also very involved in getting our back yard in our new home in shape for us to enjoy.

 

The other day, I initiated some sex, and it seemed like he didn't really want to, even though he did give in and we enjoyed ourselves. It made me feel stupid for trying......

 

BUT THEN. Then I remembered. I am in control of myself. I can't change who he is, or what his mood is, (He seems to come around a few hours or so after I've tried to engage or be playful and wants to engage or be playful) and that the only thing I can do is keep trying, because it's not about him at the end of the day...it's about who I want to be as a wife and a mother and a person.

 

I have friends and family ask me a lot if I'm happy....and I've come to realize that I am as happy as I can be right now. I have a lot of good things going for me. Do I sometimes think I personally could be happier with a more compatible partner? sure. But that would mean my children wouldn't be happy, and that would make me unhappy..essentially trading one point of happiness for another point of unhappiness. So it just is what it is. I love my Husband, and I love my family, and so I'm happy enough.

 

I wanted to write this post to get my feelings out, and it's probably all over the place, but I have realized for certain that I don't want to leave my marriage and that has helped me become more determined to be a better wife and mother, because hopefully all it can do is make me happier and more content.

 

In short, I'm working really hard to stop dwelling on the things that make me unhappy and really focus on what I have.

 

Anyway, some people might call it settling, but I call it being happy with the choices I've made. Even if I struggle to do so sometimes. Any advise to make it easier?

[BluesPower]

So we are at 1 year, and 4 and a half months into reconciliation and NC with OM.

 

Things are going okay. We aren't in wedded bliss, though we aren't fighting or resentful that I can tell.

 

I continue to try everyday to be a better wife and mother. Some days are easier than others. Some days I really feel like my husband is just back to his old withdrawn ways, like being unresponsive to my attempts at being close with him which causes me to put up a wall of protection....but I see changes in other ways, such as engaging with our children on his own and making an effort to do things as a family. He is also very involved in getting our back yard in our new home in shape for us to enjoy.

 

The other day, I initiated some sex, and it seemed like he didn't really want to, even though he did give in and we enjoyed ourselves. It made me feel stupid for trying......

 

BUT THEN. Then I remembered. I am in control of myself. I can't change who he is, or what his mood is, (He seems to come around a few hours or so after I've tried to engage or be playful and wants to engage or be playful) and that the only thing I can do is keep trying, because it's not about him at the end of the day...it's about who I want to be as a wife and a mother and a person.

 

I have friends and family ask me a lot if I'm happy....and I've come to realize that I am as happy as I can be right now. I have a lot of good things going for me. Do I sometimes think I personally could be happier with a more compatible partner? sure. But that would mean my children wouldn't be happy, and that would make me unhappy..essentially trading one point of happiness for another point of unhappiness. So it just is what it is. I love my Husband, and I love my family, and so I'm happy enough.

 

I wanted to write this post to get my feelings out, and it's probably all over the place, but I have realized for certain that I don't want to leave my marriage and that has helped me become more determined to be a better wife and mother, because hopefully all it can do is make me happier and more content.

 

In short, I'm working really hard to stop dwelling on the things that make me unhappy and really focus on what I have.

 

Anyway, some people might call it settling, but I call it being happy with the choices I've made. Even if I struggle to do so sometimes. Any advise to make it easier?

 

I am wondering... Are you able to talk to him about this kind of stuff? Because you should be. And honestly, with what you two have been through, I have a real problem with him not being affectionate and not jumping at the chance to make love.

 

What kind of conversations are you two able to have about those issues? I know that it is hard to have those types of convos but it really has to be done or eventually someone will have another affair.

 

And, does he just get off the hook for his infidelity since you had an affair as well, because that is not cool in any way.

 

Think about this, newest girl friend is really a dream right now. And I know it is not years together yet, I get that, but I am talking about compatibility.

 

She is as affectionate as I am and it is a wonderful thing, it is hard to describe. When we are together, we are always cuddling and we fall asleep holding one another. Heaven.

 

As for sex, the default is sex on demand unless there is a reason. For me, when I am in love with a woman I want her all the time. And the on demand thing works both ways. Even if I am tired, she gets what she needs and visa versa.

 

I know it is hard to keep this up in a long term marriage, but shouldn't we all strive for that???

[MidlifeMama]

So we are at 1 year, and 4 and a half months into reconciliation and NC with OM.

 

Things are going okay. We aren't in wedded bliss, though we aren't fighting or resentful that I can tell.

 

I continue to try everyday to be a better wife and mother. Some days are easier than others. Some days I really feel like my husband is just back to his old withdrawn ways, like being unresponsive to my attempts at being close with him which causes me to put up a wall of protection....but I see changes in other ways, such as engaging with our children on his own and making an effort to do things as a family. He is also very involved in getting our back yard in our new home in shape for us to enjoy.

 

The other day, I initiated some sex, and it seemed like he didn't really want to, even though he did give in and we enjoyed ourselves. It made me feel stupid for trying......

 

BUT THEN. Then I remembered. I am in control of myself. I can't change who he is, or what his mood is, (He seems to come around a few hours or so after I've tried to engage or be playful and wants to engage or be playful) and that the only thing I can do is keep trying, because it's not about him at the end of the day...it's about who I want to be as a wife and a mother and a person.

 

I have friends and family ask me a lot if I'm happy....and I've come to realize that I am as happy as I can be right now. I have a lot of good things going for me. Do I sometimes think I personally could be happier with a more compatible partner? sure. But that would mean my children wouldn't be happy, and that would make me unhappy..essentially trading one point of happiness for another point of unhappiness. So it just is what it is. I love my Husband, and I love my family, and so I'm happy enough.

 

I wanted to write this post to get my feelings out, and it's probably all over the place, but I have realized for certain that I don't want to leave my marriage and that has helped me become more determined to be a better wife and mother, because hopefully all it can do is make me happier and more content.

 

In short, I'm working really hard to stop dwelling on the things that make me unhappy and really focus on what I have.

 

Anyway, some people might call it settling, but I call it being happy with the choices I've made. Even if I struggle to do so sometimes. Any advise to make it easier?

 

Hi,

I can relate to this so very much. I feel the same. I have been struggling with a decision to end my 25 year marriage. We are very different people with very different sexual desires.

I go between ready to end it and move on and this is life, it's decent, it's good enough. My children are grown. Youngest is now 21 and planning to marry in a year or so. I see the state of the world and want to embrace my family and hold them close. I deny my desire to find someone more compatible. Someone with a pulse.

 

We look around and go through life and decide for ourselves what is GOOD ENOUGH. We deny our true desires out of fear. But, when you are a Mother I feel that our desire to protect our children is so strong that we paralyze ourselves to change.

 

Your children are still young, I presume. Believe me, even when they are grown, your desire to maintain a family unit is still there. So, I guess you need to realize that feeling may never go away. If that is your strongest desire to stay, it will always be there.

 

I don't know your story, I should go back and read if you don't mind. Sounds like you had an affair and stayed with your husband and trying to make it work. I did the same, though he doesn't know. I struggle daily with putting on a happy face and deciding this is GOOD ENOUGH or leaving. I wish I had good advice for coping with this limbo.

 

LostandLonging's post on Wanting to Leave a Good Relationship is what I have been contributing to and following. It's a tough subject...loving a spouse but not really, truly being in love and deciding to live that way.

[dreamer2018]

Dear Alsudduth,

 

I'm very proud of your perseverance in your pursuit of a healthy marriage. You have done a wonderful job. You understood and acknowledge all your faults and accepted the responsibilities for all your actions. You have done all that you can do and I'm so very proud of you.

 

Unlike Midlifemama, she accepted nothing! Midlifemama, you were involved in an affair and neglected to share that with your spouse. It is my opinion that you never wanted to reconcile and never gave it a chance. You cheated without any consideration for your spouse and left him without answers. You need to tell him you had a PA.

[afoolto no end]

I want to say that reading your post about you and who you want to be is a story we don't all get to read all the time.

You are doing something healthy for you and your family being who you need and want to be despite anyone else.

I hope you keep the strength you have grown for yourself and all the happiness you need falls into place.

when people think separately live separately the love goes missing pretty quick being aware of that really is the first step to connecting to the ones you love.

Proud of you.

[alsudduth]

I am wondering... Are you able to talk to him about this kind of stuff? Because you should be. And honestly, with what you two have been through, I have a real problem with him not being affectionate and not jumping at the chance to make love.

 

What kind of conversations are you two able to have about those issues? I know that it is hard to have those types of convos but it really has to be done or eventually someone will have another affair.

 

And, does he just get off the hook for his infidelity since you had an affair as well, because that is not cool in any way.

 

Think about this, newest girl friend is really a dream right now. And I know it is not years together yet, I get that, but I am talking about compatibility.

 

She is as affectionate as I am and it is a wonderful thing, it is hard to describe. When we are together, we are always cuddling and we fall asleep holding one another. Heaven.

 

As for sex, the default is sex on demand unless there is a reason. For me, when I am in love with a woman I want her all the time. And the on demand thing works both ways. Even if I am tired, she gets what she needs and visa versa.

 

I know it is hard to keep this up in a long term marriage, but shouldn't we all strive for that???

 

 

It's really hard to communicate when one person is a pretty good communicator and the other isn't. But I try. I could try harder I think, but I mostly feel like I'm talking to myself. I think one of the things that holds me back is that I tried for over a year prior to him asking for a divorce to ask him if everything was okay in the relationship, and he lied. He told me everything was fine and I was just being insecure until BOOM, he's having an affair and wants a divorce. So I feel like I won't get a true answer from him on where he is because he doesn't like confrontation. Neither do I, but as you said, if we can't communicate then we are going to be in trouble again later down the line.

 

Don't get me wrong, I love my husband and continue to do right by him, and I wouldn't stay in the marriage just for the kids if staying married was horrible, but it's not and my kids are happy and I'm good with that.

[alsudduth]

 

And, does he just get off the hook for his infidelity since you had an affair as well, because that is not cool in any way.

 

 

No he doesn't. I think he pays for it through my insecurities, and mistrust. It's not crazy. We don't talk about the affairs at all anymore since we had the issue with the OW contacting me and finding out he had lied about his affair. I try really hard to not just rug sweep the problem, which is why I try to make changes for myself to better myself, and learn from my mistakes.

 

I can only hope he is doing the same. I refuse to stalk his phone or be a crazy jealous person. His choices are his own. If he cheats on me again because he can't communicate his challenges in our relationship, that is 100% on him, and it will be his loss.

[alsudduth]

I want to say that reading your post about you and who you want to be is a story we don't all get to read all the time.

You are doing something healthy for you and your family being who you need and want to be despite anyone else.

I hope you keep the strength you have grown for yourself and all the happiness you need falls into place.

when people think separately live separately the love goes missing pretty quick being aware of that really is the first step to connecting to the ones you love.

Proud of you.

 

Thank you for your kind words. I hated myself during my A. It was not who I thought myself to be. I always prided myself on my morals, and continue to be ashamed of what I let myself become. I'm trying to prove to myself that I AM that moral person, it's important for my kids to see that we do not hurt others. They do not know of the affairs (or at least they haven't said anything) My daughter I think has suspicions as she was old enough when it started with my husband to know that he had done something very wrong to me.

[alsudduth]

Hi,

 

 

I don't know your story, I should go back and read if you don't mind. Sounds like you had an affair and stayed with your husband and trying to make it work.

 

He had an affair and then I had an affair. I have a lot of posts, but feel free to read them all

[jenkins95]

Hi alsudduth

 

I find this thread very moving and I am extremely impressed at how you are working to make the best of yourself, your marriage…and especially your family. I truly applaud you for your excellent attitude. I wanted to send you a (((big hug))).

 

Things are going okay. We aren't in wedded bliss, though we aren't fighting or resentful that I can tell.

I continue to try everyday to be a better wife and mother. Some days are easier than others.

I have friends and family ask me a lot if I'm happy....and I've come to realize that I am as happy as I can be right now.

Anyway, some people might call it settling, but I call it being happy with the choices I've made. Even if I struggle to do so sometimes. Any advise to make it easier?

 

Yes, I relate very much to a lot of what you said and I think, deep down, a huge number of people in long term marriages will have struggled with some of the issues that you have listed, whether infidelity has been involved in those marriages or not. There may be marriages out there which are ecstatically happy from the beginning until death do us part, but I suspect that they are in a very small minority – that’s certainly been my experience when I observe my own circle of friends and family. There are a lot of very successful long term marriages in that mix, but all have had their issues and many of my married friends have hit the “is this all there is?” and “am I really with the right person?" kind of questions. I think it is part of modern human nature.

 

When I say “modern” human nature, I really allude to the fact that it is only very recently that so much emphasis has been placed on the importance of happiness and perfection. Today’s media tells us that we should be living life to the full every minute, in perpetual joy and excitement…and that anything else is just settling. I personally find this very dangerous not to say disingenuous. For millions of years, humans have fought to survive – literally living meal to meal, and this is still the case in many areas of the world. Happiness is a relatively new luxury to a very lucky selected few. But one only has to observe the natural world to see that perpetual happiness is very far from a natural state. Long lives (80 plus years) are also a new luxury. Up until the 1800s, it was very rare for an individual to get much past 50. The luxuries of modern western life - plentiful food, lots of leisure time, high expectations, the pursuit of happinness and perfection, long lives, etc have led to a new set of problems - the kind of problems we see every day on LS.

 

All this is not to say that we shouldn’t try to be happy – of course we should! But the relentless pursuit of happiness…of MORE happiness (“I’m kind of happy with my H, but could I be happier with someone else?”)…of perfection, just sets us up for discontent, frustration and failure. When you write “I am as happy as I can be right now” and “some people might call it settling, but I call it being happy with the choices I've made”, I applaud this so highly. I really do. During our own reconciliation, my wife and I have felt this many times…but we continue the effort and we (plus the children) get the payoff every day. It IS worth it!

 

Here is another line that I think a lot of people relate to.

 

Do I sometimes think I personally could be happier with a more compatible partner? sure.

 

People often wonder about whether there are people more compatible for them, and the answer, in every case, is a resounding “Yes”. There are 7 billion people out there – what are the chances that we’ve chosen and married the one most compatible person in the world for us? Almost zero. Let me indulge my annoying habit of reducing things to numbers! So, say we are with a spouse who is 60% compatible with us. We are happy (enough), have children, a good job, a nice community/friends, etc. Then we meet someone who is 70% compatible with us. Do we blow up the worlds of several people and turn our lives upside down, just so that we can be with someone a little more compatible and…yes…perhaps be a little "happier"? This is a personal decision. Some do - after all the divorce rate is 45%. But if everyone did this, the divorce rate would probably be over 90%. Sadly, very often that new person “normalises” after a while and we realise that while they are better and more compatible at x, y and z, they are less compatible at a, b and c. And a lot of damage was caused to find that out….and then you meet Mr 75%! Do you do it again and blow up further lives? Isn’t it better to honour the commitment originally made with Mr 60%, enjoy that 60% and work like crazy on the other 40%?

 

This is another very valid point here: -

 

But that would mean my children wouldn't be happy, and that would make me unhappy..essentially trading one point of happiness for another point of unhappiness. So it just is what it is. I love my Husband, and I love my family, and so I'm happy enough.

 

Very true. In an age where divorce is accepted, even encouraged, it is easy to downplay the upheaval that children will go through. Sure, good parents can divorce in the best possible way for the children and minimise the damage, and I applaud those parents. But surely, it should be every family’s aim to stay together if they possibly can – this is a better goal to aspire to than even the best divorce. To make your marriage work and navigate the ups and downs is the ultimate gift you can give to your children. I know my own parents considered giving up on marriage a few times. I even came home from school to find my mother packing her case once. But in the end, they always did the work, got through the tough times and kept the family unit together. I am eternally grateful for this, as too are my siblings. I would like to add that I would not have wanted them to stay together had the marriage been truly awful/abusive, etc. It wasn’t – it was a “normal” marriage, with normal disappointments, normal frustrations, normal conflicts, normal arguments, normal highs, normal lows and normal happiness levels! This, I suspect describes your marriage too, alsudduth, and mine!

 

Don’t get me wrong. It’s great to read how happy people, like Blues, newly in love are, about how great the sex is, etc. But I’m sure Blues will be the first to agree that his relationship likely will not feel like that 5 years down the line. Sure, it will hopefully still be great. But the hormone levels and the newness will have settled and the relationship will feel a lot more “normal” by then. As long as Blues and his partner do the hard work, it can stay great…but right now they don’t have to – it is working off its own hormone-fuelled steam! The real hard work will start when the initial shininess wears off (I hope that’s not for a while Blues – sounds like you’re having a lot of fun )

 

Here’s an article which spoke to me considering the idea of “settling”: -

 

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/maybe-its-just-me/201201/better-way-think-about-settling-in-relationships

 

So much of it is in our own minds – if we convince ourselves that there’s something better out there and that we are just "settling", then it will play with our minds and torment us. If, on the other hand, we shut those kinds of demons out and commit to being the best we possibly can in our current set of circumstances, we can find happiness and satisfaction from within in most cases. But not all - I agree that many marriages are right to end, but I think that far too many are given up on that could be salvaged.

 

Personally, I admire you alsudduth. I am truly proud of you. People like you do a lot to restore my faith in human nature. Please keep going, make your marriage wonderful (as wonderful as it can be) and keep posting!

Edited November 17, 2017 by jenkins95

[alsudduth]

Hi alsudduth

 

I find this thread very moving and I am extremely impressed at how you are working to make the best of yourself, your marriage…and especially your family. I truly applaud you for your excellent attitude. I wanted to send you a (((big hug))).

 

 

 

Yes, I relate very much to a lot of what you said and I think, deep down, a huge number of people in long term marriages will have struggled with some of the issues that you have listed, whether infidelity has been involved in those marriages or not. There may be marriages out there which are ecstatically happy from the beginning until death do us part, but I suspect that they are in a very small minority – that’s certainly been my experience when I observe my own circle of friends and family. There are a lot of very successful long term marriages in that mix, but all have had their issues and many of my married friends have hit the “is this all there is?” and “am I really with the right person?" kind of questions. I think it is part of modern human nature.

 

When I say “modern” human nature, I really allude to the fact that it is only very recently that so much emphasis has been placed on the importance of happiness and perfection. Today’s media tells us that we should be living life to the full every minute, in perpetual joy and excitement…and that anything else is just settling. I personally find this very dangerous not to say disingenuous. For millions of years, humans have fought to survive – literally living meal to meal, and this is still the case in many areas of the world. Happiness is a relatively new luxury to a very lucky selected few. But one only has to observe the natural world to see that perpetual happiness is very far from a natural state. Long lives (80 plus years) are also a new luxury. Up until the 1800s, it was very rare for an individual to get much past 50. The luxuries of modern western life - plentiful food, lots of leisure time, high expectations, the pursuit of happinness and perfection, long lives, etc have led to a new set of problems - the kind of problems we see every day on LS.

 

All this is not to say that we shouldn’t try to be happy – of course we should! But the relentless pursuit of happiness…of MORE happiness (“I’m kind of happy with my H, but could I be happier with someone else?”)…of perfection, just sets us up for discontent, frustration and failure. When you write “I am as happy as I can be right now” and “some people might call it settling, but I call it being happy with the choices I've made”, I applaud this so highly. I really do. During our own reconciliation, my wife and I have felt this many times…but we continue the effort and we (plus the children) get the payoff every day. It IS worth it!

 

Here is another line that I think a lot of people relate to.

 

 

 

People often wonder about whether there are people more compatible for them, and the answer, in every case, is a resounding “Yes”. There are 7 billion people out there – what are the chances that we’ve chosen and married the one most compatible person in the world for us? Almost zero. Let me indulge my annoying habit of reducing things to numbers! So, say we are with a spouse who is 60% compatible with us. We are happy (enough), have children, a good job, a nice community/friends, etc. Then we meet someone who is 70% compatible with us. Do we blow up the worlds of several people and turn our lives upside down, just so that we can be with someone a little more compatible and…yes…perhaps be a little "happier"? This is a personal decision. Some do - after all the divorce rate is 45%. But if everyone did this, the divorce rate would probably be over 90%. Sadly, very often that new person “normalises” after a while and we realise that while they are better and more compatible at x, y and z, they are less compatible at a, b and c. And a lot of damage was caused to find that out….and then you meet Mr 75%! Do you do it again and blow up further lives? Isn’t it better to honour the commitment originally made with Mr 60%, enjoy that 60% and work like crazy on the other 40%?

 

This is another very valid point here: -

 

 

 

Very true. In an age where divorce is accepted, even encouraged, it is easy to downplay the upheaval that children will go through. Sure, good parents can divorce in the best possible way for the children and minimise the damage, and I applaud those parents. But surely, it should be every family’s aim to stay together if they possibly can – this is a better goal to aspire to than even the best divorce. To make your marriage work and navigate the ups and downs is the ultimate gift you can give to your children. I know my own parents considered giving up on marriage a few times. I even came home from school to find my mother packing her case once. But in the end, they always did the work, got through the tough times and kept the family unit together. I am eternally grateful for this, as too are my siblings. I would like to add that I would not have wanted them to stay together had the marriage been truly awful/abusive, etc. It wasn’t – it was a “normal” marriage, with normal disappointments, normal frustrations, normal conflicts, normal arguments, normal highs, normal lows and normal happiness levels! This, I suspect describes your marriage too, alsudduth, and mine!

 

Don’t get me wrong. It’s great to read how happy people, like Blues, newly in love are, about how great the sex is, etc. But I’m sure Blues will be the first to agree that his relationship likely will not feel like that 5 years down the line. Sure, it will hopefully still be great. But the hormone levels and the newness will have settled and the relationship will feel a lot more “normal” by then. As long as Blues and his partner do the hard work, it can stay great…but right now they don’t have to – it is working off its own hormone-fuelled steam! The real hard work will start when the initial shininess wears off (I hope that’s not for a while Blues – sounds like you’re having a lot of fun )

 

Here’s an article which spoke to me considering the idea of “settling”: -

 

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/maybe-its-just-me/201201/better-way-think-about-settling-in-relationships

 

So much of it is in our own minds – if we convince ourselves that there’s something better out there and that we are just "settling", then it will play with our minds and torment us. If, on the other hand, we shut those kinds of demons out and commit to being the best we possibly can in our current set of circumstances, we can find happiness and satisfaction from within in most cases. But not all - I agree that many marriages are right to end, but I think that far too many are given up on that could be salvaged.

 

Personally, I admire you alsudduth. I am truly proud of you. People like you do a lot to restore my faith in human nature. Please keep going, make your marriage wonderful (as wonderful as it can be) and keep posting!

 

Wow, Jenkins. Thanks. You wrote what I was feeling and trying to say 100000X's more eloquently than I ever could have! ((((HUGS)))) back to you!

[jenkins95]

Wow, Jenkins. Thanks. You wrote what I was feeling and trying to say 100000X's more eloquently than I ever could have! ((((HUGS)))) back to you!

 

Wow, thank you! But I thought what you wrote was brilliant - it really spoke to me!

 

I am really rooting for you alsudduth. You seem like such a lovely, genuine person and I feel your vulnerability in your posts. Your family are very lucky to have you. Wishing you all the very best

Edited November 17, 2017 by jenkins95

[Bebe11]

Your wisdom is refreshing. I truly believe that your marriage can be stronger in the future. Continue being the best wife and mother you can be! Keep fighting for your family! Cheering you on!