I think I want to leave...

[emmab219]

I posted an update to my situation with my alcoholic husband but decided to move it to a new thread, since this has less to do with Al-Anon and more to do with my deciding to possibly exit the situation.

 

My sister is a life coach and an amazing person in general, so she gave me some ideas for how to move forward. Last week, I asked my husband why he drank so much/if it had anything to with unhappiness, etc. He gave me the same answers he always does: he drinks because he likes how it feels to be drunk and he’s always been this way. He admitted to me that he knows he doesn’t give me the attention I deserve and doesn’t treat me how he used to…what concerned me even more was that when I asked what his goals were for his life, his answer was to stay in his current job (despite knowing he could be making a lot more, be getting healthcare, and be treated more fairly from another employer) and that one day sure, he’d like to own a house and have kids. But there was no…ambition in that statement?

 

And it sort of bothered me. I see everyone around me striving to better their lives for themselves and their families. And we’re just stuck in this rut but he’s okay with it. If that makes any sense? Like he’s okay with just coasting by in life. My sister also suggested that maybe it could be an issue of me having changed a lot between 22 and 28. Which I think is true. I want different things for my life than I did back then, sure. I feel differently about a lot of things and I feel like my 36 year old husband still doesn’t want to grow up. Instead, he just loses himself in video games and alcohol, doesn't take care of himself, doesn't really do much of anything anymore. And it makes me sad because there's so much more potential there. He's such a smart, creative person!

 

I've been feeling pretty down all week. It doesn't help that all we do is fight anymore. We spent probably a good two hours in a yelling match the other night after a local detective came to our door to ask about our neighbor who is applying to the police academy. Sure, a strange visit but he got really rude with her, asking why the hell she was knocking on people's doors at 6 at night and why we should answer her questions when she was interrupting our evening....keep in mind I was the one at the door and he was inside listening. Totally embarrassed me in front of his woman and when I told him that later on, he said I shouldn't feel that way because he did me a favor by getting rid of her more quickly by making her uncomfortable. Even when I explained over and over that he also made me uncomfortable, he just kept saying it didn't make sense for me to feel that way. In the end, he began twisting my words saying he was just going to start being nice to everyone who knocked uninvited at our door and ask them inside to dinner-- twisting my words. When I pointed that out, he said he didn't see anything wrong with twisting my words if it proved his point?!??? Where is the logic?

 

I'm just so frustrated anymore. He's making an effort to come to bed more often, and hasn't been drinking so much during the week. But then on the weekend, he binges. If I say anything at all about how I still think he needs to do more, he gets really upset that I don't appreciate the effort he has made.

 

My friend and my sister have both said it might be time to leave, even just temporarily. There's a part of me that's ready to do that, I think. I just don't want to hurt him and I know this would really be rough for him..lately especially he's been asking if I still love him and asking me not to leave him when he knows I'm upset. But at the same time how can you ask me those things and then not change? I'm just such a people pleaser, but I don't think I can put my own happiness on the backburner to protect his feelings anymore.

 

Sorry for the novel-- just had a lot to get off my chest after my week away.

 

If anyone has an advice or thoughts on how to go about suggesting a separation, I'm all ears. I know it's going to be rough no matter what

[S2B]

Do what's best for YOU!

 

He's not gonna stop drinking. His issues of why he drinks are not something he is willing to address. He gets numb for a reason.

 

He chooses the alcohol over you on a regular basis.

 

That's all you need to thoroughly understand.

 

Nothing changes until YOU change it.