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Hello Everyone me and my wife have been together for 12 years and married for 1 and a half. From the beginning of the relationship o have always made the most money, therefore paying the majority of the bills.

 

I have always shared my money with her, asking if she needed money or if she needed help paying something. Within the last year she has started making more money than me, about $70k while still paying the bills she paid when she made the 30k.

 

We recently had a counseling session and where we spoke about some financial issues i was having and her response was “those are his debts” . This shocked me as i thought we were supposed to be a team. Another discussion we had she asked to borrow my truck and my response was “ that’s our truck just like your car is our car we are married now” her response “that’s my car not yours... we never had these type of issues when she didn’t make good money.

 

Should i be worried ? She has gotten raises from 40k to $70k within the past 2 years yet her contribution to the household has stayed the same

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LivingWaterPlease

Have you brought this topic up with your counselor? What does he/she have to say about it?

 

The attitude you describe her as having does seem selfish and disconnected to me.

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What's the background story here? Are you a low income earner because the job you love doesn't pay well? Or is it because you have not bothered looking for better work?

 

I just want to rule out the idea that she's doing this because you're not putting in much effort and she's tired of enabling you.

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Hello Everyone me and my wife have been together for 12 years and married for 1 and a half. From the beginning of the relationship o have always made the most money, therefore paying the majority of the bills.i have always shared my money with her, asking if she needed money or if she needed help paying something. Within the last year she has started making more money than me, about $70k while still paying the bills she paid when she made the 30k. We recently had a counseling session and where we spoke about some finisncsils issues i was having and her response was “those are his debts” . This shocked me as i thought we were supposed to be a team. Another discussion we had she asked to borrow my truck and my response was “ that’s our truck just like your car is our car we are married now” her response “that’s my car not yours... we never had these type of issues when she didn’t make good money. Should i be worried ? She has gotten raises from 40k to $70k within the past 2 years yet her contribution to the household has stayed the same

 

If this is not settled now it will mess up your marriage in the future. Divorce now and maybe she won’t be able to take half of everything like she will be later.

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Hello Everyone me and my wife have been together for 12 years and married for 1 and a half. From the beginning of the relationship o have always made the most money, therefore paying the majority of the bills.i have always shared my money with her, asking if she needed money or if she needed help paying something.

 

so this is logical easy one

get your monthly bills split(gas, heat, cable, mortgage, rent, food, misc)

your car belongs to you, insurance repairs etc. her so on

 

now...the big one Credit cards. all credit debt you accrued in your name, regardless if it was to get laid, is yours, own it

 

hers too!!

 

If your looking for back pay over 10 years, your fD, let it go, be happy, choice made, done

 

if it takes you to the point of resentment, get a lawyer

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So you pay a majority of the bills. But are those bills the normal, expected bills, like rent/mortgage, utilities, and basic necessities? Or are there a lot of unnecessary debts, like from credit cards or buying vehicles your can't afford, or other poor spending?

 

Is it possible that she's reluctant to start really sharing/splitting finances because you're not good at managing them yourself?

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Hi Compound, seems like you don't have a wife but a business partner. She owns her stuff, you own yours and your debt is yours as hers is hers. So I guess if you want this partnership to continue,, you have to draw up a fresh agreement where you share the debt burden equally. What about sex? Does she borrow your you know what when she needs it and do you borrow hers? The way you have presented your marriage it seems to be a completely ridiculous union and not worth the paper which legalizes it. Someone mentioned that you should divorce now before you end up losing half your worth to her later on. She does not seem to be your wife but your banker. Just run like mad. Best wishes.

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Open a joint account and both agree to put a set sum into it every month to cover joint expenses like the mortgage, services, food shopping, essential repairs, even holidays or a "joint" car, etc.

 

Everything else is kept separate, separate bank accounts, separate credit cards, separate savings accounts...you have your own money and she has hers. Any big joint expenses can be covered by each putting more money into the joint account.

That way there is no resentment built up, the essentials are paid for every month, and you both have control of your own money to do what you want with.

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Open a joint account and both agree to put a set sum into it every month to cover joint expenses like the mortgage, services, food shopping, essential repairs, even holidays or a "joint" car, etc.

 

Everything else is kept separate, separate bank accounts, separate credit cards, separate savings accounts...you have your own money and she has hers. Any big joint expenses can be covered by each putting more money into the joint account.

That way there is no resentment built up, the essentials are paid for every month, and you both have control of your own money to do what you want with.

 

I would agree with this except to say that many couples pay a proportion of the bills based on their percentage of the household income. For example, if she makes 60% of your combined income, then she pays 60% of the bills.

 

Otherwise I agree that any money left over for each person can be considered their own discretionary money. If she wants a nice car, she can pay for it. If you rack up debt that’s not mutual, you pay for it. Now neither person can judge the other for how their spend “their” money.

 

Try to come to mutual agreement about any existing debt.

 

If you can’t come to reasonable terms like this, then I’d say you have a serious problem and one that commonly leads to unresolved resentment and eventually divorce.

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This is a huge issue. Finances break up more marriages then anything else, including cheating.

 

People also find it difficult to talk about money but you have to. Sit down & tell her that things have to change now that she's earning more. You need an equitable split & you do need her to be more of a team player.

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somanymistakes

Stick with the counselling, hopefully it will help you communicate. There are many different possibilities for what could be going on here and while I can suggest them, they might be totally off-base. The most important thing is for you two to talk out your expectations of each other and WHY you each feel that way.

 

But if you do want my random suggestions for what might be going on in her head:

 

It's possible she's always felt quietly resentful of you for having more money than her and making her feel like a weak dependent, even if you were never intentionally mean about it, she may have been frustrated by feeling like she had to ask you for favors. Now that the tables are turned, she may feel like she's getting revenge for the past.

 

It's equally possible that the problem is the exact opposite - that she likes 'being taken care of' by you, that she has been raised and socialised to expect that the man is always the provider, and that she has no understanding of what it means to be a responsible partner. She may think that it's totally obvious that you are responsible for supporting the household and anything extra she makes is just supposed to be her bonus.

 

And then, of course, she may have lost trust in you for some reason, and be trying to protect her resources (because she fears you are bad at money-managing, because she wants to leave, etc).

 

You need to understand what is motivating her in order to know how to resolve it.

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So, this is what I think your wife is saying OP: "What is yours is ours and what is mine is mine". WTF.

 

This isn't a problem with OP's marriage as it is with OP's wife's *attitude*. I mean, let's recap here (all the below details were said in the OP by the way):

 

1. OP made more money than his wife throughout all but the last year or two, so he had been financing at least most of the relationship.

 

2. OP's wife just recently started to make more money than the OP, BUT she is resistant in taking up more of the financial burden.

 

3. Furthermore, OP's wife sees everything that is hers as hers, and everything that is the OP's as belonging to BOTH of them. :confused:

 

I'm not sure counseling will work, unless your counselor calls your wife out on her selfishness.

Edited by Imajerk17
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Hello Everyone me and my wife have been together for 12 years and married for 1 and a half. From the beginning of the relationship o have always made the most money, therefore paying the majority of the bills.i have always shared my money with her, asking if she needed money or if she needed help paying something. Within the last year she has started making more money than me, about $70k while still paying the bills she paid when she made the 30k. We recently had a counseling session and where we spoke about some finisncsils issues i was having and her response was “those are his debts” . This shocked me as i thought we were supposed to be a team. Another discussion we had she asked to borrow my truck and my response was “ that’s our truck just like your car is our car we are married now” her response “that’s my car not yours... we never had these type of issues when she didn’t make good money. Should i be worried ? She has gotten raises from 40k to $70k within the past 2 years yet her contribution to the household has stayed the same

 

I would definitely be concerned. It appears that she has become more selfish, but I must admit, we don't know all of what is going on to warrant this change.

 

1. You've only been married for 1.5 years of your 12-yr relationship. So, she has been this way only since the marriage.

 

2. She has more to lose now. Now that you are married, her assets and debts(including yours), depending on your state, becomes more complicated.

 

3. Is she right? Are some or all of the debts yours? Any of it from before you two were together?

 

4. Has she ever indicated, in any way, that her involvement with you had anything to do with needing financial support? Was she in a stable financial position when you two met and before deciding to live like a couple?

 

5. Do you have kids together?

 

6. Have you been having marital problems outside of finances? Had you been having financial problems (prior to her raises)?

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I would agree with this except to say that many couples pay a proportion of the bills based on their percentage of the household income. For example, if she makes 60% of your combined income, then she pays 60% of the bills.

 

OK but the amount paid into the joint account does not need to be equal, it is money that both need to agree on but it needs to cover the joint expenses.

Say for instance outgoings are 5000 per month, then one can pay 2000 and the other 3000 if both agree to that or 4000 and 1000 even, if that is deemed fair.

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OK but the amount paid into the joint account does not need to be equal, it is money that both need to agree on but it needs to cover the joint expenses.

Say for instance outgoings are 5000 per month, then one can pay 2000 and the other 3000 if both agree to that or 4000 and 1000 even, if that is deemed fair.

 

Finances are top 2/3 reasons why couples fail. I simply do not understand when people say that it is not that important to them. I will wait for the OP's answers to my questions, but when I was married to my ex who made 3x or more than I did, she never made me feel like I was not pulling my weight. We split the household expenses. If there was something bigger, a trip, vacation, my ex didn't mind at all putting up the money, if I couldn't. We both saved for ourselves, so we mostly agreed that we should both have our own money for ourselves w/o feeling compromised. Of course, my ex was the one with big debts while I had (have) none. So, it did get a little frustrating at times to think that so much of our income was going to paying off irresponsible debt.

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Hi Compound, can you clarify as to why you two waited ten and a half years before tying the knot? Did this have anything to do with the financial imbalance between you two? How is it that your wife has been steadily improving on her emoluments while you are stuck at the same level? As compared to her what is your income level? I still think my first post holds true. Best wishes.

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You must of course continue talking about it in the sessions. But if the worst happens and she turns out to be such an ***hole, remember that you still have the power! just remember that.

 

Because right now the she earns money for being married to you, you lose money for being married to her. Separation will change that. she she'll start losing money.

 

If (and only if) she is such a gold digger, well, she is very much aware of these calculations. She will find it hard to give up you as a cash machine. But as others pointed, her motive could be different (although other motives are equally bad)

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Her attitude is definitely concerning. If you were a completely new couple and you had never supported her financially before, then I would be on her side - but you two have been together for a long time and you supported the two of you when she was encountering financial difficulties. For her to not return the favour when you need it is completely selfish.

 

Although, I do wonder if there is something you're not telling us about - how did you incur these debts?

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OK but the amount paid into the joint account does not need to be equal, it is money that both need to agree on but it needs to cover the joint expenses.

Say for instance outgoings are 5000 per month, then one can pay 2000 and the other 3000 if both agree to that or 4000 and 1000 even, if that is deemed fair.

 

Certainly.

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What's the background story here? Are you a low income earner because the job you love doesn't pay well? Or is it because you have not bothered looking for better work?

 

I just want to rule out the idea that she's doing this because you're not putting in much effort and she's tired of enabling you.

 

How is she "enabling" him if he's still paying the majority of the bills (according to him)?

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Well, like others have said, finances are a HUGE part of a successful relationship.

 

Some like to keep everything separate (that never made much sense to me) and others like to inter-mesh everything.

 

My husband and I were together 14 (YES! Fourteen) years before we got legally married - but yet co-mingled our funds from the very beginning.

 

At first it made sense because we were BROKE. We needed to pull all of our money together to pay our bills.

 

And then later it just made sense. What is mine is his, what is his is mine. We both have primary cars we drive, but they are "our cars". We pay the rent on our house, we pay for "us" to go out etc.

 

 

We consult each other before any large purchases (and its usually the other one that pushes for the purchase - "we can afford it honey, get it! I want you to have it" )

 

For a while he made more than me. He was working when I was laid off. I have been working through his lay offs.

 

These days I make double what he does. Doesn't mean I buy more things for myself, it means there is more money for US to enjoy.

 

We feed off of each other's happiness - why in the world would we want to divide things into his and mine?

 

This is a major issue OP - I am glad you will be talking to a counselor about it, because it needs to be addressed.

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My husband and I were together 14 (YES! Fourteen) years before we got legally married - but yet co-mingled our funds from the very beginning.

 

Yeah, ditto. We do still have personal accounts, but we also share a joint account that we each put money into based on income. I honestly can't imagine living with a partner (married or unmarried) while keeping finances completely separate. Doesn't it get really tiring slashing grocery bills down the middle? What if she uses more toilet paper than he does? :o

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GunslingerRoland

This is why I think for most marriages separate accounts are not a good thing. Here you are in a marriage where she is living one class of lifestyle, while you are living another.

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