Suspicious behavior with female coworker?

[Hotmama7171]

Been married almost 20 years. I operate a home business with good income. My husband recently went back to the corporate world. I feel he had been acting depressed/bipolar for the past 6 months or so. He seemed unmotivated to do anything around our house to help me out and spent half his days watching tv instead of working in our home business. About 3 years ago, we hit a bump in our marriage after I found out he was doing porn online every day and possibly in chat rooms (he denies this). Also during this time, he received a supposed "wrong number" text from a weird number very early in the morning. I googled the number and it belonged to a prostitute. He denied knowing her and said it was "wrong number". This is highly possible, but given the amount of porn he was doing, I still had my doubts/suspicions. It took a while for me to get over all of this. I have finally been at the point where I was trusting him fully again.

 

So, like I mentioned above, he has just went back to work in the city starting about a month ago. He landed a great job with a wonderful company at a salary he wanted. The team he works on is a new team and will eventually consist of about 10 people. Right now, there are 2 managers and my husband and his female colleague. She is married as well. I have been happy he got a job that makes him happy. For the past month, I have been taking on pretty much all of the housework, running my own business, and also purchasing his entire work wardrobe for him because he hates to shop. I have also spent extra hours making sure he has clean clothes every day and stay up late often to wash, dry, hang up his clothing, etc. I feel I have tried to be a good supportive wife and help him out.

 

The first week, he came home and told us about his two managers in great detail. Also- he mentioned his female colleague briefly one day but it wasn't a very detailed conversation (so I don't really know much about her except HE says she's a married lesbian). Last week after my husband went to bed, I was still up catching up on some chores. Our oldest child (age 18) who still lives at home was with me. He told me that his Dad told him that he went out to lunch with his colleague Tiffany today. I said "really". Then I thought- that's a bit weird that he didn't mention this to me. My son told me that it was a lunch with just my husband and Tiffany only- nobody else at work went. Also- he told me that he walked with Tiffany around the city for about an hour showing her some of the sights as she wasn't from this area and wasn't familiar with it.

 

The entire night, I was pretty frustrated that he failed to mention this to me (that he took another woman to lunch by himself). That morning as he left for work, I texted him to "have fun at lunch today". He immediately started calling me, but I didn't answer the phone as I was tired and wanted to catch a bit more sleep. He tried to call me about 7 times. That evening when he got home, I asked him about this private lunch with Tiffany. He said it was no big deal and that I needed to get some trust. He made fun of me and my "trust issues". He made me feel soooo bad! (Remember- those trust issues I had were caused by things that he did several years ago).

 

I told him that I didn't feel it was a good idea to start this practice of taking another woman to lunch because he's new at the company and it looks bad in the eyes of your boss and other coworkers. Also- I don't know the woman and I'll admit it does make me jealous to think of him and another female going alone given all that he and I have been through several years ago (we almost split up back then). I expressed these concerns to my husband and he hit the roof. He called me all kinds of names and told me I was basically a jealous a#hole. I kept trying to explain the situation and even sent him examples of articles online about how it's not a good idea. I asked him to please consider my feelings and not do it again in the future. He was so mad. He opened the door to go out to run an errand. On his way out, he told me he wasn't putting up with my stress and maybe we should just get separated. He stayed out for about an hour at the mall. He came back and we continued arguing about it. He still felt it was perfectly fine to take Tiffany out by himself at lunch. We didn't really speak for days. I mostly ignored him and told him I was moving on with work, etc. Then one day around lunchtime, he texted me from his office to tell me "just to let you know, I picked my lunch up and am eating at my desk. I will be doing this "until further notice". This text infuriated me. WTF does he mean by "until further notice"???? So we fought again.

 

We didn't speak thru the next weekend. Several days later, he finally told me he wouldn't do lunch alone with her again and that he's sorry I got so upset (not sorry that he said all those mean things to me). He actually got mad at me and said I started the whole thing by texting him to "have fun at lunch" that day. I just have a bad feeling about the whole thing. Why did he get so defensive if she's just a lesbian colleague. I looked at our phone bill and saw where he called a divorce attorney one morning before work and also during his lunch. So apparently, this issue means so much to him that he's willing to start calling attorneys about getting separated. WTF. Who does this?

 

Also- something you need to know is: several years ago, he and I had discussed not lunching/dining with the opposite sex alone. I went to a training class and a male colleague offered to take me to lunch. I wasn't comfortable with it and said no. I told my husband about it. He said "I hope you didn't do it". I told him I did not. So, we had the discussion about whether we should go lunch/dinner with the opposite sex alone. My husband said this practice is NOT a good idea. This was HIS idea to not do it. But flash forward, and now he has break his own rules. I am now left 1) hurt that he put me thru pure hell for a week insisting that it's ok to continue eating alone with Tiffany for lunch at work 2) not trusting him now because he kept this from me to start with (my son is one who told me) 3) blindsided and in shock that he would go to great length to call divorce attorneys.

 

I have looked up a photo of Tiffany online and she is not that attractive- she's not ugly but she's certainly not someone that would cause me to dump my wife for. So, I think this whole thing is just weird. I'm tired of him playing these games with me and playing with my heart. Right now, my heart is padlocked and he won't be getting in any time soon! What do you think?

[elaine567]

I have no idea whether this lunch date was innocent or not, but when a man is calling a divorce attorney then you need to not ignore that.

 

If you are certain he was not discussing some other issue with an attorney, then you need to get your ducks in a row and be prepared for whatever he may throw at you.

He may already be stashing cash so keep your eyes and ears open. Do not be too trusting and naive.

Go to an attorney and find out your rights.

 

This is serious stuff.

You have to take it very seriously, as men tend not to want to leave marriages. They usually have too much to lose, they only go if they are indeed VERY unhappy or if there is a woman behind them pushing them to leave.

The fact he is consulting an attorney is a very bad sign IMO.

Edited November 11, 2017 by elaine567

[Hotmama7171]

Yes I am getting my ducks in a row. I'm meeting with my attorney very soon. It would be hard to believe he would throw in the towel because of her. He claims she's a married lesbian.

 

When I got upset several years ago after finding the porm and supposedwromg number text from hooker, he has always held that against me. It took me a while to get over. In that case, it was a long story, but he made a rule that we let each other know when we masturbate to porn. That was a rule created by him! So he broke his own rule.

 

In this case with his coworker-same thing. He tells me "hey don't ever go to lunch with a guy one-on-one. Then he just goes and does it himself but gets mad enough at my reaction to threaten divorce? It just doesn't add up.

[elaine567]

I don't think anyone would want to divorce over a fight about going out with a co-worker for lunch. I guess your main problem started long before you found the porn and the prostitute...

[Hotmama7171]

I'm unsure because honestly we were happy. We had regular sex, went on trips, etc. Then, boom- I found the porn. He was doing it every night (he sleeps alone because I bother him - I'm a restless sleeper.) I wasn't a snooper- just had an incident where he got the wrong number text that ended up being a hooker. He was acting weird that day. We own a business together and he tried to keep me at home that day and didn't want me coming to our office. I thought it was weird so I snooped on his phone and saw the deleted text from hooker. I also found out later that he was doing the porn at our office- there were deleted programs on the computer to sights like LiveJasmin (video chat). He was up to something. Porn alone wasn't what I worried about-and get this: he made a rule that we shouldn't masturbate alone. He said we should only do it together. Once again he broke his own rule.

[Hotmama7171]

I just feel like he's been sneaky and disrespectful. He came up with the rule but thinks it doesn't apply to him.

[Hotmama7171]

I have an appt with an attorney this week. I guess the hubby better take notice as well.

[Ana-Iva]

Very rarely will a man own up to any connection with a hooker! My ex too had hookers come over to his place (when we did not even know each other) and he never admitted to it. He had their emails in which he arranges price, place and time and the deal is done. But he still denied that they ever really met, he said he did not open the door when they came over, he said once he opened the door but changed mind, etc. In either case, I tried hard to give it a chance that what he was saying was true, but now I know better. He was a liar in general and lied about this as well. If something doesn't make much sense and can only be attributed to some weird coincidence then it is usually the case that it is true, and he is just lying to you about it, getting angry for not trusting his lies, and so on. They get good at it when there is something to hide.

 

As far as female coworker - why not go to his company and have lunch with him yourself? Meet her when you come to pick him up and then go on asking how are you and your wife doing these days, or invite her and her wife over for a dinner (or something like that). See the expression on her face... You should definitely meet her, and he should have no issue with it at all because he claims they are just friends.

 

My guess is that he is lying to you about many things, from the description of the situation where he makes the rules and breaks the rules. He has no consideration for your feelings at all.