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Husband has no interest in sex


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Silvia García

The facts: Been married 9 years. We are both 34. Have a teenage child, and a toddler. He works, I do not. He's had a check up, testosterone is fine, but he does have diabetes, he's on medication. These issues started before the diagnosis and have been pretty much the same since. I have tried talking with him many, many times. He refuses to participate and ignores me and gets upset. His only answer to anything is, "I don't know or what do you want me to say?"

 

The situation: I feel we do not have sex often enough, there have been times 2-3 months have gone by. I'd say once a week is the most. Not only is it very infrequent, it's very boring. There's no enthusiasm on his part, no flirting or trying new or different things. If I say or do something playful, I get no response or something very lame, for lack of a better word. I have told him how much it bothers me and I have offered a lot of ideas on how to improve things.

 

My efforts: I have tried to share fantasies, ask about desires, dislikes, and just general sex talk. I bought and wore sexy lingerie. I've sent sexy texts and pics to him, of myself and also other women I think he would like (online/ famous, not anyone we actually know). I asked him to watch porn with me*, I am very fun and open, I offer to give him oral sex, I like all sorts of positions, I like to watch him masterbate, I give him massages, love notes... And plenty more.

 

His efforts: After we are in bed, he will ask "you tired?" Through out the day, no flirting. No, "I've been thinking about you, about what I want to do to you/ with you". He's never asked me to wear the lingerie, or to do anything in particular. In response to my texts, he just replies something like " Oh nice". When I asked him to watch porn with me, he said he's not into it, but would try if I really wanted to. We did, I enjoyed it, he didn't seem to, said he would rather not.*

 

*Related/ More recent issue: In regards to him saying he did not like to watch porn and that he's always told me he had little desire, low sex drive... I've never doubted this, just accepted it and tried to help improve it. However, about a year ago a very weird situation occurred. I asked to use his phone, mine was charging or got left in the car or something.

 

So I went over and got his, he asked why I wanted it, what was I doing, then sat next to me while I was on it, and seemed really irritated, and after just a few mins he said he needed to check something and pretty much just took it from me. That was weird behavior, and got me curious. So a while later, I checked the phone out, really with no idea what I was gonna find. Well In his history, going back for at least a year, porn searches at least 2-3 times a week. Tons of videos and websites.

 

Honestly, I wasn't really upset. I have no problem with watching porn. I do it on occasion. But, but... I still want to have sex with my husband. It's not right he's looking at porn, but not having sex with me. I'm confused, if he has low desire, why look at porn so much? Why refuse/ lie about it when I ask?

 

Yes, he knows I know. We've talked about it, well I tried. He will not admit it, to this day, denies it. What makes an even bigger issue. I'm not stupid. I know how phone and web history work. I can see the actual search terms he typed in, these are not pop ups that he just kept closing. It hurts me that he's in such denial and has no trust in me.

 

I'm seeking advice here, because he will not talk about it. I want to work on the problem and make things better.

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His looking at porn does not necessarily have anything to do with his sex drive. Maybe he is only attracted to the women he sees in porn?

 

Is it possible that he does not find YOU attractive any longer? Is it possible that he lacks the intimate confidence and he is trying to hide or avoid dealing with that by not having sex?

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Silvia García

I have asked if it is me. I've told him if that's the case, then to please tell me. He says it is not. I've been the same look pretty much since we've been together. He doesn't like my hair any different, it's very long, so I do not cut it. I dress nice, do my make up, keep the house clean, make dinner... All the good wife things. I don't know about his confidence, I didn't think that was the case, just because when we do have sex, he doesn't seem to have a problem. I mean, he is able to make me orgasm and he is as well. I always compliment him and make sure he knows I'm satisfied. I would very much appreciate the same. How can looking at porn not have anything to do with sex drive? For example, me personally, I look because I'm in the mood, or I look to get in the mood, if I see that I want to have sex. I don't look at it... For no reason? If you can explain more, I would appreciate your opinion.

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I have asked if it is me. I've told him if that's the case, then to please tell me. He says it is not. I've been the same look pretty much since we've been together. He doesn't like my hair any different, it's very long, so I do not cut it. I dress nice, do my make up, keep the house clean, make dinner... All the good wife things. I don't know about his confidence, I didn't think that was the case, just because when we do have sex, he doesn't seem to have a problem. I mean, he is able to make me orgasm and he is as well. I always compliment him and make sure he knows I'm satisfied. I would very much appreciate the same. How can looking at porn not have anything to do with sex drive? For example, me personally, I look because I'm in the mood, or I look to get in the mood, if I see that I want to have sex. I don't look at it... For no reason? If you can explain more, I would appreciate your opinion.

 

Provided that he is telling you the truth, if he is capable of satisfying you when it happens, well, is he capable EVERY time you two have sex? No problems holding an erection? If not, then the lack of sex may very well be that he is just not that interested in having sex with you.

 

He could be going to porn to satisfy himself b/c he is not interested in doing it with you. His drive may be fine, but his interest in you is not.

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CautiouslyOptimistic
I have asked if it is me. I've told him if that's the case, then to please tell me. He says it is not. I've been the same look pretty much since we've been together. He doesn't like my hair any different, it's very long, so I do not cut it. I dress nice, do my make up, keep the house clean, make dinner... All the good wife things. I don't know about his confidence, I didn't think that was the case, just because when we do have sex, he doesn't seem to have a problem. I mean, he is able to make me orgasm and he is as well. I always compliment him and make sure he knows I'm satisfied. I would very much appreciate the same. How can looking at porn not have anything to do with sex drive? For example, me personally, I look because I'm in the mood, or I look to get in the mood, if I see that I want to have sex. I don't look at it... For no reason? If you can explain more, I would appreciate your opinion.

 

I'm not a psychologist, and don't understand the mental mechanics behind it, but it is very common for men who are addicted to porn to have no actual sex drive with their partners.

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I second CautiouslyOptimistic. What are his fitness levels like? When I was unfit, I felt very unattractive and hence my sex drive went down a bit. Conversely, I started working out recently and my drive is back. How bad is his diabetes? Severe diabetes can cause major libido issues.

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My only comment to you will be, it could be one of thee things.

- his medical condition is affecting his ability to perform sexually and he is embarrassed about it and hiding it and self conscious about it.

- he has very low interest in actual sex and sex drive but is addicted to online pornography. online porn is all mental .... there is no physical aspect to it and it much cleaner

- he does not find you attractive sexually and you do not turn him on.

 

FWIW, my own married sex life is **** as well. I have a wife that has zero interest in sex or sexual activity. And when it does happen its always let get it over with as soon as possible as i want to sleep. It's a very bad place to be if you are the opposite of that in the relationship. It sort of keeps eating at you from the inside and you are perpetually in a state of limbo between: does she/he not love me anymore? does she/he not want me physically anymore? is she/he having sex with someone else?

 

It's a very bad place to be in mentally. It causes depression, mood swings, alcoholism and all sorts of things.

 

FWIW, I have given up trying. I go running and to the gym and try to keep myself busy at work and extra curricular activities to keep myself sane. There is nothing more I can do other than wait for it sort itself out on its own.

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Silvia García
Provided that he is telling you the truth, if he is capable of satisfying you when it happens, well, is he capable EVERY time you two have sex? No problems holding an erection? If not, then the lack of sex may very well be that he is just not that interested in having sex with you.

 

He could be going to porn to satisfy himself b/c he is not interested in doing it with you. His drive may be fine, but his interest in you is not.

 

Well if he won't tell me the truth, that's not on me. I think physically I'm fine. Neither of us have changed much. He's not perfect either. Yes, when we do have sex, Everytime, it is good. He seems to enjoy it, I always feel good, he easily gets an erection and he lasts a good amount of time.

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Silvia García
I second CautiouslyOptimistic. What are his fitness levels like? When I was unfit, I felt very unattractive and hence my sex drive went down a bit. Conversely, I started working out recently and my drive is back. How bad is his diabetes? Severe diabetes can cause major libido issues.

 

He's normal height and weight. I don't think his condition is considered severe. He does not need to check blood levels at home. Only goes to a check up every 3 months, it's always fine. He takes daily pills. We both do moderate exercise. We are similar in physical health.

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Silvia García
My only comment to you will be, it could be one of thee things.

- his medical condition is affecting his ability to perform sexually and he is embarrassed about it and hiding it and self conscious about it.

- he has very low interest in actual sex and sex drive but is addicted to online pornography. online porn is all mental .... there is no physical aspect to it and it much cleaner

- he does not find you attractive sexually and you do not turn him on.

 

FWIW, my own married sex life is **** as well. I have a wife that has zero interest in sex or sexual activity. And when it does happen its always let get it over with as soon as possible as i want to sleep. It's a very bad place to be if you are the opposite of that in the relationship. It sort of keeps eating at you from the inside and you are perpetually in a state of limbo between: does she/he not love me anymore? does she/he not want me physically anymore? is she/he having sex with someone else?

 

It's a very bad place to be in mentally. It causes depression, mood swings, alcoholism and all sorts of things.

 

FWIW, I have given up trying. I go running and to the gym and try to keep myself busy at work and extra curricular activities to keep myself sane. There is nothing more I can do other than wait for it sort itself out on its own.

 

Yes, I'm constantly thinking and feeling as you discribed. It's very difficult. I'm giving him chance after chance to talk and tell the truth. I do try to focus on myself and concentrate on other things, but this is my whole life we're talking about. I'm not ready to give up. I don't want to live with someone who doesn't want me sexually, for whatever reason. I don't think he would want to live like that either. Like I've mentioned, the times we are together, it's really good. He easily gets an erection, he makes me orgasm, so does he. Which is why I'm not convinced he has any real physical problem, or with me.

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Silvia García
It sounds like your husband has no interest in sex with you. He is still interested in sex.

 

Very possible. If you felt that way, would you tell the truth? Knowing your partner has an issue with it and it keeps causing problems/ arguments? Would you decide to stay your whole life with someone you do not find attractive and do not want to have sex with? I wouldn't.

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Silvia García
I'm not a psychologist, and don't understand the mental mechanics behind it, but it is very common for men who are addicted to porn to have no actual sex drive with their partners.

 

Thanks, I really don't understand all that either. I'll keep that in mind. I wasn't thinking he was addicted to it. I just found it odd. I'd say sometimes it's 2-3 times week at most. Usually 1-2 times a month. As I said, I also enjoy it, to get in the mood. That's the difference. If I look at it, I want to have sex with him. But I guess it doesn't work that way for him.

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Since he's it giving sex to you - and he's lying about his interest in porn - why are YOU continuing to reward his behavior by pampering him with back rubs etc?

 

 

He's not making effort for you - demand professional help to get some form of honesty from him. He's just not honest so you have nothing to work with.

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Very possible. If you felt that way, would you tell the truth? Knowing your partner has an issue with it and it keeps causing problems/ arguments? Would you decide to stay your whole life with someone you do not find attractive and do not want to have sex with? I wouldn't.

 

Not everyone is you.

 

Don't assume that having sex with you means he is particularly attracted to you. Men and women have sex all the time with someone they feel rather "meh" about. If it's partnered sex with someone they're "meh" about or masturbating yet again, an awful lot of people are going to choose the partnered sex.

 

Talking to friends and family plus some years on a few relationship forums showed me that a surprising number of people are married to someone they aren't chemically attracted to because that attraction wasn't a high priority in their mate selection thought process. And those people will often stay married because they are emotionally, socially, financially, and spiritually (if religious) attached and don't see any reason to give that all up for "mere" sexual attraction.

 

If I were a man who had been married 9 years, got along with or even loved my wife, had minor children, knew my wife was having serious problems with the lack of sex, and wasn't attracted to her or didn't enjoy sex with her, would I tell her?

 

ABSOLUTELY NOT!

 

I wouldn't want to risk her seeing the lack of attraction as a dealbreaker and divorcing me. Divorce means losing my affectionate relationship with my spouse, leaving my home, seeing the kids less, paying child support, possibly paying alimony, dividing up assets, possibly losing friends, possibly losing close relationships with in-laws, ending a decade of traditions, on and on. Nope. I'd keep my mouth shut and deny any such thing.

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Silvia García
Since he's it giving sex to you - and he's lying about his interest in porn - why are YOU continuing to reward his behavior by pampering him with back rubs etc?

 

 

He's not making effort for you - demand professional help to get some form of honesty from him. He's just not honest so you have nothing to work with.

 

I have lessened my efforts and "pampering". He doesn't really seem to care. I don't look at it as a reward, just normal behavior, showing love, I want to do that for my husband. But I see what you're saying.

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Silvia García
But if you have sex once a week that doesn't qualify as no interest.

 

I say once a week at most, it's usually less. In my opinion it is lack of interest, only doing something that seldom. Also, I mentioned its not only the quantity, but all the other actions that go along with it. Flirting, playing, talk, fun... Not just the actual act.

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Silvia García
Not everyone is you.

 

Don't assume that having sex with you means he is particularly attracted to you. Men and women have sex all the time with someone they feel rather "meh" about. If it's partnered sex with someone they're "meh" about or masturbating yet again, an awful lot of people are going to choose the partnered sex.

 

Talking to friends and family plus some years on a few relationship forums showed me that a surprising number of people are married to someone they aren't chemically attracted to because that attraction wasn't a high priority in their mate selection thought process. And those people will often stay married because they are emotionally, socially, financially, and spiritually (if religious) attached and don't see any reason to give that all up for "mere" sexual attraction.

 

If I were a man who had been married 9 years, got along with or even loved my wife, had minor children, knew my wife was having serious problems with the lack of sex, and wasn't attracted to her or didn't enjoy sex with her, would I tell her?

 

ABSOLUTELY NOT!

 

I wouldn't want to risk her seeing the lack of attraction as a dealbreaker and divorcing me. Divorce means losing my affectionate relationship with my spouse, leaving my home, seeing the kids less, paying child support, possibly paying alimony, dividing up assets, possibly losing friends, possibly losing close relationships with in-laws, ending a decade of traditions, on and on. Nope. I'd keep my mouth shut and deny any such thing.

 

That all makes since. That's why I decided to ask for other opinions, I realize that not everyone will think like me. I worry about those things just much also. I guess I'll just have to decide how to deal with it, and just not give up, and still encourage some change.

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Silvia García
Cheating, maybe...

 

I'm not really worried about that. I'd rather not think that way, unless I had a legit reason. There's a lot going on, but nothing that makes ME suspicious of that. I can see how many people might come to that conclusion though.

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That all makes since. That's why I decided to ask for other opinions, I realize that not everyone will think like me. I worry about those things just much also. I guess I'll just have to decide how to deal with it, and just not give up, and still encourage some change.

 

I'm not saying don't try or just give up, but to be realistic you do need to decide if there is a limit and what that limit is because there is a possibility that nothing will change.

 

I'm not really worried about that. I'd rather not think that way, unless I had a legit reason. There's a lot going on, but nothing that makes ME suspicious of that. I can see how many people might come to that conclusion though.

 

If not cheating, if not lack of attraction to you, how suspicious would you be of simple lack of time and energy? Some men and women say they masturbate with or without porn because they have the need for sexual release, but not the time or patience or energy or all of the above to see to the needs of a partner. Maybe that's why sex with you is rare-ish.

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Very possible. If you felt that way, would you tell the truth? Knowing your partner has an issue with it and it keeps causing problems/ arguments? Would you decide to stay your whole life with someone you do not find attractive and do not want to have sex with? I wouldn't.

 

I'm sure that thousands of married couples do. Most to keep the family unit together, finances, property,etc., lots of reasons beyond sex.

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Silvia García
I'm not saying don't try or just give up, but to be realistic you do need to decide if there is a limit and what that limit is because there is a possibility that nothing will change.

 

 

 

If not cheating, if not lack of attraction to you, how suspicious would you be of simple lack of time and energy? Some men and women say they masturbate with or without porn because they have the need for sexual release, but not the time or patience or energy or all of the above to see to the needs of a partner. Maybe that's why sex with you is rare-ish.

 

Yes, I can see that. He's tired from work, and maybe it's too stressful to worry about satisfying me as well. It's definitely quicker and easier to just worry about yourself sometimes.

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Silvia García
I'm sure that thousands of married couples do. Most to keep the family unit together, finances, property,etc., lots of reasons beyond sex.

 

Yes, you're right. It's unfortunate. I hope that won't be our situation.

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