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"Don't want to come home anymore"


Marriage & Life Partnerships Debunking the old-ball-and-chain stereotype one couple at a time.

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Old 6th November 2017, 11:57 PM   #1
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"Don't want to come home anymore"

Long post, long story. I will try to be quick
My fiance is currently in an accelerated medical program. She goes to school at 8am until 4pm, then does a few hours of home work most nights. Then off to bed at about 9. She then works all day both days of the weekend.
I take care of the bills, the cooking the cleaning, renovating the house, and everything else that needs to be done. She does not help around the house and never really has. She says that kind of stuff does not matter to her and "It's not fun." Like I get off on doing all that stuff.
Now, add in the fact I have 2 kids from previous relationships. One of which (my 18yr old son) has special needs. I recently gained full guardianship of him and obviously need to attend to him more than other children. I do however, admit I am a bit of a helicopter dad and do not make him do as much as I need to. I am working on it though.
Since I have had my son with us more our alone time (minimal as it was) has suffered. Before she started her program our sex life was very much like 50 shades... on coke. Then after she started it was more like 2 shades of vanilla on Nyquil. I never complained, I knew she was under a tremendous amount of stress. Once my son was with us more it was 1 shade.
The other day she told me she feels like she has to compete for attention. That she does not want to come home anymore. And she's afraid this is the beginning of the end.
We are going out on our date night soon and trying to figure it out. But, I am feeling like I am doing everything humanly possible and maybe i should just face the fact that my life is just going to be me and my kids in a little shack and 50 shades of porn on KY.
Wanted to hear others' thoughts
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Old 7th November 2017, 8:33 AM   #2
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Try sexting her during the day. Get her some flowers. Buy her some new lingerie. Remind her that things will be better when her program of study culminates in a job. See if you can squeeze in a 50 shades weekend at least once per month. Consider getting a housekeeper & some respite care for your special needs son.
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Old 7th November 2017, 9:44 AM   #3
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Sorry but if she chooses to compete for your attention with your special needs son, then that is on her. This is the life she chose - accelerated study and a relationship with the father of a high needs child. From what you write you are doing more than enough.

'And she's afraid this is the beginning of the end' is a meaningless statement unless she wants it to be the beginning of the end. She is trying to guilt you into doing even more than you are or putting her above your child.

Is there anything you could do to make life easier on both of you? PP mentioned a cleaner and respite care - even just once a week might help. But that won't solve the problem of you both being burnt out and exhausted from the life you have BOTH chosen but only she is bitching about.

I think it's a 'suck it up buttercup' moment - just for now. Things will get better but she needs to be a little more patient and less self-centred.
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Old 7th November 2017, 11:20 AM   #4
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Sorry but if she chooses to compete for your attention with your special needs son, then that is on her. This is the life she chose - accelerated study and a relationship with the father of a high needs child. From what you write you are doing more than enough.

'And she's afraid this is the beginning of the end' is a meaningless statement unless she wants it to be the beginning of the end. She is trying to guilt you into doing even more than you are or putting her above your child.

Is there anything you could do to make life easier on both of you? PP mentioned a cleaner and respite care - even just once a week might help. But that won't solve the problem of you both being burnt out and exhausted from the life you have BOTH chosen but only she is bitching about.

I think it's a 'suck it up buttercup' moment - just for now. Things will get better but she needs to be a little more patient and less self-centred.
This! I don't understand people who choose to date those with kids and then complain that they aren't getting enough attention-especially if their partners are single parents of high needs children! What on earth do they expect?

OP, the situation is temporary. You will find more time for each other once your girlfriend finishes her program. In the meantime, use some of d0nnivain's suggestions.
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Old 7th November 2017, 11:27 AM   #5
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This! I don't understand people who choose to date those with kids and then complain that they aren't getting enough attention-especially if their partners are single parents of high needs children! What on earth do they expect?
I agree but the OP said he recently got full guardianship of his special needs son. That change may have impacted how the med student saw her role in the OPs life.

Dating somebody who doesn't have FT physical custody of their children is different then dating somebody who does.
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Old 7th November 2017, 8:30 PM   #6
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I agree but the OP said he recently got full guardianship of his special needs son. That change may have impacted how the med student saw her role in the OPs life.

Dating somebody who doesn't have FT physical custody of their children is different then dating somebody who does.
I guess...children still come first in any circumstance.
I've dated men whose parental obligations often changed plans even when they didn't have FT custody.
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Old 8th November 2017, 7:29 AM   #7
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When I went to the Paramedic academy, I was single. Thank God I was. It totally enveloped my whole being. If I was involved with another person, life would have detonated. You having a life already and in motion makes her like another "dependant". Are you paying for this schooling as well? Hope not. Also, she will likely have others in her classes or program for emotional support other than you. You won't be able to relate. And finding time for just you two will seem more like a chore. I've seen lots of threads here that show the man in the house "competing" for attention from the Lady. This is the first for me with the other way around. You sound like a cool dad. Scratch that. A super dad. You are able to lug your life around and keep a household together is spectacular. I wish the best for you. Just keep on being yourself, and if you do end up not being compatible, cherish the good times and look forward to new ones.
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Old 8th November 2017, 2:21 PM   #8
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I can relate a little bit, as we have three kids and two of them are considered "special needs".

It's been my experience that your kids can surprise you. Our oldest, who we had though for a long time would always have to live at home was just accepted into a program where she will be able to get both her law degree and her master's in library science. She's also a published author with a fairly large following.

Our "middle kid" who has a health issue but isn't really "special needs" has been accepted into a BSC. program that will also give her a certificate in forensic science, and she got a hefty entrance scholarship that will pay fr most of her tuition, books and other expenses.

Our son, who is less high functioning, was able to recognize the other day that I was losing my balance and steadied me without being asked. That may not sound like much, but to us, it's huge. He was able to "read" me, which he hasn't been able to do before.


I'm mentioning all of this because I know how easy it can be to "helicopter", especially when it's a kid with special needs. That doesn't help them.

Also, with respect to your romantic partner. If she can't handle competing with your child for your attention, then you have a problem. I'm sorry I can't offer a solution, but I do suggest that you spend a bit of time and tease out what it is you need from her in the relationship ( beyond the sex). Once you feel you have that figured out, sit her down and have a heart to heart talk with her. Let her know your thoughts an feelings, and get hers. Ask her if she feels like she can be a step mother to your child. Not everyone is cut out for that. Find out what she needs and decide if you can give that to her.

Figure all of this out before you get even more enmeshed with her. Also, and I don't like to be too negative, but the " I don't want to come home" sounds a bit like cheaterspeak to me. Be careful.
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Old 8th November 2017, 2:41 PM   #9
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I'm sorry but two people in love and crazy about one another will always find a way to make time for one another.

Yes, you have your hands full with your children and their needs.

Yes, she has her hands full with school and homework.

It takes two to tango. Rather than complain about the situation and sit back and watch it go down in flames, what are you doing to protect it? What is she doing to fix things?

As for a "date night soon", what does that even mean? I understand that time is valuable right now but having a date night doesn't have to be a make-work-project that takes weeks of time energy and money to plan. It's about being creative with what you have available and committing to a specific day or time once a week or once a month. Even texting/sexting during the day will go a long way I think.

Anything is better than what has been after all. It's a start and it all starts with baby steps.

And for the record, I'm sending an AMEN to Waterwoman's response.
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Old 8th November 2017, 4:00 PM   #10
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That's a tough situation, especially since the relationship was so strong in the beginning. I would definitely have questions about continuing with the engagement given the recent swing in feelings (and the correlated swing in your sex life). The signs are palpable that something has changed in her mind, so much so that she actually said she doesn't want to be there. I am sorry for you and your situation, as I am the eternal optimist and hope the best for everyone, but you both need to have a real conversation about where things stand and where you each see them going. Best wishes....
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Old 9th November 2017, 12:19 PM   #11
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Dude. my wife just finished after going back to school after raising 3 kids...they were all older teenagers....I get it. She was a hermit for 4 yrs. In the beginning she asked me if I could support her during it. I committed to it eagerly by doing all...cooking, cleaning, working overtime, kids sports, etc. She has graduated and is now back to being the main care giver and homemaker...she work 32 hrs a week..

We survived, so can you. Nut up and give her a break...I did it and it sucked, but the payoff in respect for her accomplishment, and her respect for you anteing up is worth it. You guys are a team.
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Old 11th November 2017, 11:18 AM   #12
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It sounds like a very exhausting situation. You each have very demanding responsibilities, but this is life and there will always be challenges in life. Both of you need to decide if you want to do life with each other for the rest of your lives. Have you thought about taking time to really evaluate the relationship and decide if you desire a future together based upon who each of you are and what your responsibilities are? Your girlfriend will be out of school at some point, but she will likely be the same person when she gets her job and you will always have a special needs child. Sometimes, our expectations of others doesn't match the reality. Perhaps, it is time to examine each others realities and make a decision about staying together or moving forward n a real life commitment, like marriage. Healthy communication and healthy conflict resolutions are two key ingredients to a successful relationship. Why not start there?
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Old 11th November 2017, 12:10 PM   #13
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If she is in med. school to graduate as a doctor then do not assume things will get any better time wise once she graduates, it may even get worse, depending on the field she wishes to enter.
Medicine tends to consume people with a passion, so do not assume you will get the old gf back any time soon, if ever.
Graduation is just the first hurdle.
Medical students tend to walk, talk and breathe medicine, so it is little wonder she chooses to stay away from the issues at home.

I am guessing she is single and she has now been "lumbered" with an 18 yo special needs child full time in her home.
He is yours and you love him and you no doubt would walk through hellfire for him.
BUT he is nothing to her, you can't expect her to probably ever feel the need to mother him or get more involved, she has far bigger fish to fry here.

I think she is probably right, it is the beginning of the end.
Your lifestyles are just too different, and you are now on disparate paths.

Sorry.
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Old 11th November 2017, 11:00 PM   #14
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Hi Light, I think Elaine has summed up your situation rather neatly. Add to what she has had to say that it appears your fiancee seems rather selfish and self centered and you can see where your relationship is headed. To her, her career is more important than your relationship and all the baggage that has brought into her life. Apart from that, from the way you have written, it appears that for you she is another child in the family, not an equal partner with you in a relationship like marriage where both partners are expected to pull their weight. There used to ne a song "I never promised you a Rose garden" when I was a kid growing up. It rings so very true in your case. Try Googling it and go through the words.

Someone else suggested that your fiancee may be on the verge or is actually cheating on you. Hence her remark, "I don't feel like coming home"! This may be true or not but even if it isn't those words are a precursor to a failing relationship and you would do well to heed the warning signs. I think it is time to dit your fiancee down and have an in depth discussion about your relationship and its future. The discussion itself should be calm and matter of fact and you should be prepared for it to lead to some inevitable conclusions. The thing is if your fiancee feels she is being held back by the relationship and the weight of baggage in it, then she has or will become resentful and that can lead to the parting becoming very bitter and acrimonious. Better to part on amicable terms in my opinion. Sorry this post is pessimistic but everything points in the direction I have been indicating. Your fiancee would have to be a much more understanding and appreciative person than she has been presented as. Best wishes.
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