LoveShack.org Community Forums

Reload this Page LoveShack.org Community Forums > Romantic > Marriage & Life Partnerships

Today is my first Al-Anon meeting...


Marriage & Life Partnerships Debunking the old-ball-and-chain stereotype one couple at a time.

Like Tree3Likes
  • 1 Post By BarbedFenceRider
  • 2 Post By CautiouslyOptimistic
Reply
 
LinkBack Thread Tools Display Modes
Old 2nd November 2017, 12:39 PM   #1
Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2017
Posts: 13
Today is my first Al-Anon meeting...

and I'm starting to get cold feet about it. Please don't let me chicken out, I need to do this!

I'm starting to wonder if I should tell my husband, though. I feel so awful and guilty lying about it. We had another talk about AA last night and he still refuses to go and insists he can stop whenever he wants...he said as he was three deep into a six pack of beer.

Link to my first post in case you need a refresher on my situation:
Newly married and unhappy
emmab219 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 2nd November 2017, 12:44 PM   #2
Established Member
 
CautiouslyOptimistic's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2017
Location: Northeast USA
Posts: 1,915
Quote:
Originally Posted by emmab219 View Post
and I'm starting to get cold feet about it. Please don't let me chicken out, I need to do this!

I'm starting to wonder if I should tell my husband, though. I feel so awful and guilty lying about it. We had another talk about AA last night and he still refuses to go and insists he can stop whenever he wants...he said as he was three deep into a six pack of beer.

Link to my first post in case you need a refresher on my situation:
Newly married and unhappy
Go to the meeting, then tell him. And tell him how serious his drinking is, and if he doesn't stop, you're leaving. Let him prove he can stop if he wants to if he's so sure he can do that.
CautiouslyOptimistic is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 2nd November 2017, 12:53 PM   #3
Established Member
 
d0nnivain's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: Northeastern USA
Posts: 25,220
Go to the meeting 1st. There you will learn empowerment tools.


After you have your eyes opened, then you can figure out what to say to hubby & when


Remember at this meeting, you don't have to do much. You can just sit there. Don't chicken out. Go. It will change your life.
d0nnivain is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 2nd November 2017, 12:58 PM   #4
Member
 
BarbedFenceRider's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2017
Location: Southwest
Posts: 127
You are on the right track. Fix and empower yourself, then you will have the tools to craft the world around you. Including your marriage. I will pray for you today.
BarbedFenceRider is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 2nd November 2017, 1:00 PM   #5
Established Member
 
CautiouslyOptimistic's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2017
Location: Northeast USA
Posts: 1,915
Quote:
Originally Posted by d0nnivain View Post
Go to the meeting 1st. There you will learn empowerment tools.


After you have your eyes opened, then you can figure out what to say to hubby & when


Remember at this meeting, you don't have to do much. You can just sit there. Don't chicken out. Go. It will change your life.
Good point. Emma, nobody is going to expect you to do a lot (or probably any) talking at your first meeting. And, everyone loves when new people join their groups. Good luck!
CautiouslyOptimistic is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 2nd November 2017, 5:10 PM   #6
Established Member
 
Join Date: May 2016
Posts: 3,746
Go to the meeting... with an open heart, and open ears. Just listen and learn. It will be ok.
BaileyB is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 2nd November 2017, 5:40 PM   #7
Established Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2016
Location: California
Posts: 304
Good for you! I know it's scary and the anxiety you must be feeling right now must be incredibly high. Please let us know how it goes!
rushed is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 2nd November 2017, 8:27 PM   #8
Established Member
 
d0nnivain's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: Northeastern USA
Posts: 25,220
So . . . how did it go?
d0nnivain is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 13th November 2017, 1:58 PM   #9
Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2017
Posts: 13
Sorry to keep everyone in suspense. I went to stay the weekend with my sister the next day and just needed some time to process everything.

I’m glad I went, but in the end decided it wasn’t for me. It was nice to hear that I wasn’t alone in my struggle, but everyone there had situations that were much more serious and intense than mine (mental/physical abuse, significant other disappearing for hours at a time, lying about drinking, etc) and just felt like while my situation is definitely not a positive one, I don’t think Al-Anon is right for me. Especially after doing some reflecting and realizing our issues extend beyond just how much he drinks. Though I did have a friend over this weekend to hang out and have dinner. After she left, she commented to me that she was surprised by how much vodka he was pouring into his drinks and how many he was having...story of my life.

My sister is a life coach and an amazing person in general, so she gave me some ideas for how to move forward. Last week, I asked my husband why he drank so much/if it had anything to with unhappiness, etc. He gave me the same answers he always does: he drinks because he likes how it feels to be drunk and he’s always been this way. He admitted to me that he knows he doesn’t give me the attention I deserve and doesn’t treat me how he used to…what concerned me even more was that when I asked what his goals were for his life, his answer was to stay in his current job (despite knowing he could be making a lot more, be getting healthcare, and be treated more fairly from another employer) and that one day sure, he’d like to own a house and have kids. But there was no…ambition in that statement?

And it sort of bothered me. I see everyone around me striving to better their lives for themselves and their families. And we’re just stuck in this rut but he’s okay with it. If that makes any sense? Like he’s okay with just coasting by in life. My sister also suggested that maybe it could be an issue of me having changed a lot between 22 and 28. Which I think is true. I want different things for my life than I did back then, sure. I feel differently about a lot of things and I feel like my 36 year old husband still doesn’t want to grow up. Instead, he just loses himself in video games and alcohol, doesn't take care of himself, doesn't really do much of anything anymore. And it makes me sad because there's so much more potential there. He's such a smart, creative person!

I've been feeling pretty down all week. It doesn't help that all we do is fight anymore. We spent probably a good two hours in a yelling match the other night after a local detective came to our door to ask about our neighbor who is applying to the police academy. Sure, a strange visit but he got really rude with her, asking why the hell she was knocking on people's doors at 6 at night and why we should answer her questions when she was interrupting our evening....keep in mind I was the one at the door and he was inside listening. Totally embarrassed me in front of his woman and when I told him that later on, he said I shouldn't feel that way because he did me a favor by getting rid of her more quickly by making her uncomfortable. Even when I explained over and over that he also made me uncomfortable, he just kept saying it didn't make sense for me to feel that way. In the end, he began twisting my words saying he was just going to start being nice to everyone who knocked uninvited at our door and ask them inside to dinner-- twisting my words. When I pointed that out, he said he didn't see anything wrong with twisting my words if it proved his point?!??? Where is the logic?

I'm just so frustrated anymore. He's making an effort to come to bed more often, and hasn't been drinking so much during the week. But then on the weekend, he binges. If I say anything at all about how I still think he needs to do more, he gets really upset that I don't appreciate the effort he has made.

My friend and my sister have both said it might be time to leave, even just temporarily. There's a part of me that's ready to do that, I think. I just don't want to hurt him and I know this would really be rough for him..lately especially he's been asking if I still love him and asking me not to leave him when he knows I'm upset. But at the same time how can you ask me those things and then not change? I'm just such a people pleaser, but I don't think I can put my own happiness on the backburner to protect his feelings anymore.

Sorry for the novel-- just had a lot to get off my chest after my week away.

If anyone has an advice or thoughts on how to go about suggesting a separation, I'm all ears. I know it's going to be rough no matter what.
emmab219 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 13th November 2017, 2:13 PM   #10
Established Member
 
BluesPower's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2016
Posts: 2,392
Here is the issue...

Here is the issue...

He is an alcoholic man child. I am not sure if there is a worse combination.

Having some experience with this type of stuff, there is one thing you need to realize right now.

Alcoholics and drug addicts actually stop emotional development when they start drinking.

Because they are drinking to cope with emotional issues, and he actually does not even know what they are, there is no emotional development the entire time that they are using.

So in his case, if he started drinking at say 22, that is his emotional level. And, if he continues to drink like this and say stops at 45, he will be a 45 YO with an emotional IQ of 22.

I am not guessing about this, it is in every book about alcoholism and drug abuse. And I have witnessed it in person, and once I actually saw it in my STBXW, after she go sober, I knew there was no way we would make it.

Here was a 50 YO woman with an emotional IQ of someone maybe 25 years old. She could not/cannot own the simplest behaviors or mistakes or damage that she has done.

So what I am saying is that If you want a life with kids and a partner that will strive with you to better your lives and the lives of your kids... He is not it. And I think that he will never be...
BluesPower is online now   Reply With Quote
Old 13th November 2017, 2:45 PM   #11
Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2017
Posts: 13
Wow, what you're saying makes so much sense. Honestly, that's how I feel sometimes! That's a twenty year old trapped in a grown man's body. And it makes sense why we got on so well seven years ago, but right about when I hit twenty-six I started to feel like I was maturing more than he was.

I know you're right. I know what everyone is telling me is right and in my heart, I think I also know that this can't be the rest of my life. I'm just scared and sad. I married him thinking he was my forever, and I'll be 28 having to start all over again.

More than that, I'm worried about hurting him. He's thirty-six so I feel like I ws his last chance for kids and a family and I don't want to be the one to take that from him. If I leave, he'll be heartbroken and crushed. The idea of doing that to someone I love kills me...

I really hope I can be strong enough.
emmab219 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 13th November 2017, 4:41 PM   #12
Established Member
 
Join Date: May 2016
Posts: 3,746
Quote:
Originally Posted by emmab219 View Post
I'm worried about hurting him. He's thirty-six so I feel like I ws his last chance for kids and a family and I don't want to be the one to take that from him. If I leave, he'll be heartbroken and crushed. The idea of doing that to someone I love kills me...
Did you go to the meeting?

I'm sure it's very sad for you, but remember... You are not taking this away from him. He is making a choice. He is choosing video games and alcohol over you, building a family, and actually participating in life. That is HIS choice, and if you leave and get his attention in doing that - well, he is always able to make a different choice.

You simply can't stay and have kids with a man who stays up until the wee hours of the morning drinking and playing video games. I mean, what kind of a life is that for you and what kind of father would he really be to your children... That's not a responsible decision, to bring innocent children into this situation.
BaileyB is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 13th November 2017, 4:52 PM   #13
S2B
Established Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2015
Posts: 3,333
There is a reason why the meetings say "keep coming back" - it's up to you to DO the step work to learn what you need to know about yourself. And to take action on that.

I'd suggest doing the steps - then decide about what is best.
S2B is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 13th November 2017, 10:29 PM   #14
Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2017
Posts: 44
There is "his life", "your life" and "our life". Right now he is living "his life"

The time for asking is over, if you are at the point of considering leaving the marriage. He says he can quit anytime he wants to? Well tell him its time to quit anytime YOU want him to. It is time to put your husband in the hole. 30 days, NO drink and no toys. Don't ask. Demand. People here often say " in order to save a marriage, you must be willing to end the marriage" or something like that

You have to be the hero in this marriage. You have to make a stand today. Those who say he can not be cured are mistaken. But he will not do it on his own. This forum is littered with broken regretful men, who did not put down the bottle and the video games until AFTER the wife left.

Give it a shot. Tell him to put up or shut up. 30 days in the hole.

Starting Now. (not after the holidays) or there will not be a "our life"

Last edited by Cullenbohannon; 13th November 2017 at 10:33 PM..
Cullenbohannon is offline   Reply With Quote
Reply

Bookmarks

Thread Tools
Display Modes

 

Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
Has anyone ever been to an Al-Anon meeting? Ruby Slippers Self-Improvement and Personal Well-Being 8 14th July 2011 11:46 PM
I'm meeting his son today OliveOyl Dating 28 11th June 2011 7:53 PM
went to my first Al Anon meeting tonight Katherineos123 Addiction & Recovery 6 11th March 2011 7:58 PM
What's an Al-Anon meeting like? Teetotalina Addiction & Recovery 10 19th May 2009 4:20 AM
So I went to Al Anon today... amaysngrace Addiction & Recovery 3 26th September 2006 2:53 PM

 

All times are GMT -4. The time now is 8:26 PM.

Please note: The suggestions and advice offered on this web site are opinions only and are not to be used in the place of professional psychological counseling or medical advice. If you or someone close to you is currently in crisis or in an emergency situation, contact your local law enforcement agency or emergency number.


Copyright © 1997-2013 LoveShack.org. All Rights Reserved.