Jump to content

She travels for work constantly


Recommended Posts

Now this may sound pathetic but I feel physically sick and anxious everytime my partner goes away for work. It was never a huge issue but lately theyve given her a promotion and although I'm happy for her I cannot stop feeling anxious everytime she's away as it's every week.

 

The past 10 days for example

Monday she was away for 2 nights in a hotel in Liverpool

Came back Wednesday then Thursday and Friday she was away in Scotland and then she came back and then tonigbt until Wednesday she's away in a hotel in london. What makes this harder for me is her work colleagues are also staying at 5he hotel in different rooms or that's what I'm told. The other problem is... they're all men. So my girlfriend this time is away for 3 days in a fancy hotel with 4 men. I hate that it makes me insecure as I've never felt this in any relationship but I hate it. Tonigbt she's gone for a drink with them and it always seems to involve beer. These meetings always seem to revolve around a day meeting then meals and beers at night. What's wrong with me

Link to post
Share on other sites

I think any guy would feel uneasy if they were in your situation. Your gf may have no intentions of doing anything wrong. But you can be sure that of those 4 or 5 other guys, more than one of them have their eyes on her. And regardless of her intentions, going out for drinks with them should not be happening.

 

Now you need to decide where you go from here. Ask her how she'd feel if the situation were reversed. Open up a conversation with her, watch her reaction.

 

Trust your gut.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

Ive spoken to her just now and told her it makes me incredibly uneasy. She replied in kind of annoyance that I didn't trust her so I said 'what if the roles where reversed' she then said all you need to know is that I love you.

 

I dont know how much more I can take living anxiously like this while she's out with these men every week. Everytime she goes to these hotels there's always 1 or 2 of her male colleagues there too.

Link to post
Share on other sites

I'd feel uneasy in your position too. Can you join her on one of these trips sometime, so you can get a feel for her interactions with these men in a bid to put your mind at ease, or justify your feelings?

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

I cant go on any of them as the hotels are paid for by the company and i have work the follpwing day so cant get to london and Back.

 

I dont know what To do as I love her to pieces and know she does me but when she took this job she promised it would be the odd evening away but the past 3 months it's every week

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

An even bigger problem is she's the type to concentrate on who she's with so if she's out on these meals etc she won't reply to my texts as says she doesn't like having her phone on her while she's with work colleagues.

 

I'm very fearful that this could be the end of my perfect relationship and the sad part is, it may be the end just because of my imagination :(

Link to post
Share on other sites

Bottom line, you have three things that you can do...

 

1. Trust her, and accept the fact that she has to travel for work. Maybe there is something she can do to alleviate your anxiety - like keep her phone with her to answer your texts when she can (even if it's a "I can't talk now, text later" or call before bed - but otherwise, you just have to deal with it.

 

2. Travel with her. Probably not practical, I assume that you have your own job.

 

3. Break up with her.

 

If it was me, I know that nothing would ever happen and I would probably be unhappy that my boyfriend didn't trust me. But considering how upset you are, I would understand and do what I could to ease your anxiety. The fact that she is being somewhat evasive and rather dismissive about your concerns and your feelings is the most interesting thing for me. I wouldn't be happy about that, if I was you.

 

Do you have any reason not to trust her? Has she ever been unfaithful in this or other relationships? Have you been cheated on in the past?

Edited by BaileyB
  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

She's replying to texts tomight but I think that's because she knows how hard shed find it if I was away.

 

She says she's never cheated before on anybody bar 1 kiss in a nightclub when she was 21. I trust her on that and she does seem honest as she told me outright the 4 men who where going tonight and their names. I keep thinking if she wanted to hide it she didn't even need to tell me tjey where going she could of just hid that part altogether and say she's going to bed or something. I just wish shed be home more and all this new job never even started

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

I asked her who they are and she's said they're all married with children or she wouldn't of gone for drinks with them. I trust her but I wish I could stop feeling anxious

Link to post
Share on other sites

Depending on how serious she is about this relationship, she may have to find another job eventually. It's pretty hard to maintain a relationship and/or have a family when you are traveling every week for work.

 

I hope you are able to work this out. All you can do is communicate and trust her - unless she gives you reason to think otherwise.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

Maybe when she’s home you can try to find ways to make more of your time together?

 

I understand why this would make you a bit uncomfortable but what is she supppossed to do, stay holed up in her room after the work day’s over?

 

Her response when you talked to her seemed a bit insensitive, and it’s a little concerning that you weren’t clear on how often she’d be away before she took the job. It sounds like she either undrestimated her travel time or choseto downplay it. If she downplayed it on purpose I think she knew you’d get upset and wanted to avoid talking about it with you. In which case Id think you’ve exhibited this kind of insecurity towards her before.

 

If it’s the former and she just didn’t think about it, she needs to work on communicating to you a little more and fleshing our how her decisions impact the both of you not just her.

 

Honestly I think your anxiousness in this scenario is too intense for this insecurity to be isolated to this one instance. Are you sure you’ve never been anxious like this before when sh s away around other guys?

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

This is her job. She's not going on these trips or spending time with her colleagues because getting away from you is a priority (although it will become a priority of you don't get a handle on your irrational insecurity)

 

 

In a male dominated world she needs to hang with the boys to get her job done. She needs the info & the connections which will only come her way if she's out with the guys for beers after work. She is after a sale or a promotion, not a roll in the hay.

 

 

Trust her & act like it.

 

 

I'm not thrilled when my husband is out late on business trips but he texts me when he gets back up to his room. I don't always reply because often it's too late for me but no later then my night owl would be turning in at home.

 

 

She's doing her job, not cheating on you. Until you can grasp that you will not have a future with her.

  • Like 5
Link to post
Share on other sites

Monday she was away for 2 nights in a hotel in Liverpool

Came back Wednesday then Thursday and Friday she was away in Scotland and then she came back and then tonigbt until Wednesday she's away in a hotel in london. What makes this harder for me is her work colleagues are also staying at 5he hotel in different rooms or that's what I'm told. The other problem is... they're all men. So my girlfriend this time is away for 3 days in a fancy hotel with 4 men. I hate that it makes me insecure as I've never felt this in any relationship but I hate it. Tonigbt she's gone for a drink with them and it always seems to involve beer. These meetings always seem to revolve around a day meeting then meals and beers at night. What's wrong with me

 

Nothing. Nothing at all.

 

 

Please don't ever marry her.

  • Like 3
Link to post
Share on other sites
So I've got some people agreeing with me that they'd be uneasy too and the other half saying I'm being 'irrational'.

 

 

Welcome to the internet.

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites

Seeing as how I don't think you can get over your insecurities, I think the relationship is only going to go downhill from here. You're always going to be insecure about her travels, and she will probably start to resent you for your insecurity (her annoyance when you first mentioned it probably means the resentment has already started).

 

My ex was very insecure. He hated it when I went out drinking with my coworkers even though there was zero flirting involved among any of us. It was really annoying dealing with his constant texts when I was out.

 

My current boyfriend doesn't seem to have that jealousy problem. He's fine with me going out drinking with my coworkers. And I'd be perfectly fine if he went out drinking with any of his as well.

 

You can't control other people. If they're going to cheat, they're going to cheat. And if they do, then you don't want to be with them anyway.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

Okay, I'll be the counter balance here....I have traveled for my work for 30 years. Not one time have i been approached or approached someone. This is the DNA of who I am. That said, during a conversation a while back the discussion got to "getting hit on". I stated that I have never been hit on and my good "female" friend stated that I have married written on my forehead. I suppose that I do and candidly am greatful for that as I have never had to rebut an advance. I assure you that I'm no toad (humor??) but one should be able to stand on one's own integrity. I get that you're uneasy but this is likely a self confidence issue or more likely a lack of activity in your time where you have too much idle time. Do you think this could be the case?

 

I assure you that business travel, no matter how nice the hotel is, it is not your own bed and not as comfortable as your own home. Trust me on that.....

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites

If you're going to stay in this you'd better cut out any needless texting or communication. It makes you look needy, clingy and weak. Extremely unnattractive.

 

This is your life too. There's nothing wrong if it's driving a big wedge in your relationship to move on and find someone who's is more geared to your lifestyle.

 

Good luck

  • Like 5
Link to post
Share on other sites
Seeing as how I don't think you can get over your insecurities, I think the relationship is only going to go downhill from here. You're always going to be insecure about her travels, and she will probably start to resent you for your insecurity (her annoyance when you first mentioned it probably means the resentment has already started).

 

My ex was very insecure. He hated it when I went out drinking with my coworkers even though there was zero flirting involved among any of us. It was really annoying dealing with his constant texts when I was out.

 

My current boyfriend doesn't seem to have that jealousy problem. He's fine with me going out drinking with my coworkers. And I'd be perfectly fine if he went out drinking with any of his as well.

 

You can't control other people. If they're going to cheat, they're going to cheat. And if they do, then you don't want to be with them anyway.

 

Good advice. Better apply it.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
Ive spoken to her just now and told her it makes me incredibly uneasy. She replied in kind of annoyance that I didn't trust her so I said 'what if the roles where reversed' she then said all you need to know is that I love you.

 

Her answer.....it's very wayward-ish. No true answer to your question, and very gaslighting.

 

If she's not cheating, it feels like she's thinking about it.

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites

I agree with the others that her annoyed answer to your fears and concerns is worrying. To me, she sounded annoyed because you saw through her exterior so easily. She is angry with herself for being so transparent. That being said, you have no right to make any demands on her time that she doesn't want to give. She is in this job, and that is her reality. Your reality is that you don't like being the 'house husband', being talked down to in a condescending manner... I am surprised she didn't tell you to take your Midol...:mad: Since you have no control over what she does, you need to take control over what you can do. I would tell her something along the lines of how you are happy she has found such a fulfilling job, and hope she has many more successes in her life. But, you wont be there. You need a woman who is going to stay near home. Otherwise if you do stay, be prepared to take a big hit to your manhood...

  • Like 3
Link to post
Share on other sites
I asked her who they are and she's said they're all married with children or she wouldn't of gone for drinks with them. I trust her but I wish I could stop feeling anxious

 

That isn't exactly something to ease your mind, though she may think it is. Married guys who want to cheat would rather do it with a woman who has an SO or husband because then they have something to lose as well, so will keep it a secret. I'd be concerned, but as previously stated if you become clingy you will piss her off , so your choices are be vigilant but silent, or move on. If marriage is on the table I wouldn't even think about it until you have this completely sorted in your head.

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites

As someone who spent 90 days of every year away on business for about 30 years, I have seen both male and female spouses cheat when on business trips. Starts with drinks after work so that you can sleep easier in a strange bed. The drinks lower your inhibitions and the excitement of cheating and the taboo of it in a place where your spouse will never find out, is enticing.

 

I have had girls throw themselves at me, calling my room drunk and wanting me to invite them in. I even had one girl grab my crotch and massage it and I turned her down. I had more than one room key passed to me. I never had sex with any girls when on a business trip. I was a good target though because I was a senior executive and not bad to look at. Women are genetically designed to seek out alpha males.

 

My best friend's wife left him for her boss. He never questioned all of her business trips and working late. Men who feel that their wive's would never cheat are the easiest to cheat on. What disturbed me the most is how a loving wife can talk to her husband on a cell phone and tell him that she loves him in the middle of rubbing a guy's crotch. Some even get indignant when their husband accused them of cheating. It simply amazed me how a loving wife could lie so easily when she wanted sex with another man. I was told a few times that they got a kick out of talking to their husbands during sex with other guys. I actually had that happen once when I was young and into married older women who wanted someone with stamina.

 

You either put it out of your mind or let it gnaw at you until you blow up during an argument. My wife says that what the eyes do not see, the heart cannot feel. We know that sex can be just sex but the difference is that men usually cheat just for sex while women do it for emotional reasons and that more easily leads to love. Things were not like this in my generation because married women had very limited contact with men without their husbands being there. Now with a lot of women in the workplace and freedom to travel, things are different.

 

Odd are on your side as only 40% of females have admitted to cheating. Guys used to ask me how did I know that my wife was not cheating on me when I was away so much. I just told them even if they were having sex with multiple men every day, it has not made even a rippled in our marriage or love so who cares.

  • Like 3
Link to post
Share on other sites

Hi Travel, I guess you are in an awkward position. You are right about feeling upset with your situation since, for one thing, you are not getting much quality time with your GF. Secondly, since she is working in an all male environment, the likely hood of her going astray when she is on these trips is is right up there. Of course it all depends on her moral compass but with drinks even normally circumspect folks are likely to have lowered inhibitions and one thing can lead to another and they get the stamp of a cheater. I would like to know how long you have been with your GF and does she have a high libido? If she does then the chances of her straying increase manifold. Apart from that what has your relationship been like? What is it like when she returns from one of these trips? Is she warm and loving or is she aloof and distracted with work or whatever? Do you guys have any date nights?

 

That said the real problem that I see here is that of your insecurity. I would suggest that you see an IC for some therapy to help you with this as, even if you break up with this GF you might suffer from the same problem with a new one. There are two paths that you can take. One is to let your insecurity lead you and you exit this relationship. The other is that you place your trust in your GF not to do the wrong thing but keep verifying from time to time. You will have to work out some system whereby you can get some sort of a way to keep tabs on her and check that periodically to satisfy yourself that she is on the straight and narrow. I wonder if your insecurity ids triggered by your gut? If that be the case then your battle is already lost. Think about what everyone has told you and take action. If you ever think she is in fact cheating, then the best would be to employ a PI to dig out the truth and you will have the evidence to proceed whichever way you want. Warm wishes.

Link to post
Share on other sites

I do think your level of anxiety about this is somewhat worrisome. Men and women do not share hotel rooms on legitimate business trips, if her company does not at least provide gender-segregated rooms they can be subject to legal action. Beers after work is normal. If she didn't do any of that, chances are she would be relegated to a lower-paying and dead-end role.

 

I mean... if she was going to cheat on you, she could just as easily do so without having to go through this elaborate ruse. There isn't any point worrying about it.

 

That being said, constant travel can be draining for a relationship. So you are perfectly within your rights to not want to be with someone who constantly travels for her job. I guess to me, it would be a question of whether this constant traveling is temporary or permanent.

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites
×
×
  • Create New...