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She travels for work constantly


Marriage & Life Partnerships Debunking the old-ball-and-chain stereotype one couple at a time.

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Old 31st October 2017, 12:36 PM   #31
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I work in a male-dominated field, and until about a month ago, I also had to travel every week. Dinners and drinks with coworkers and clients were all but required- we had to share a rental car, so everyone was stuck together for 14+ hours a day. I work in consulting and refusing to participate in social events would not have worked out well for my career with the company.

Most people hated the travel. We would have all preferred to stay home to have dinner and go to bed with our families.

Personally, I never engaged in, or observed, inappropriate behaivior. But I heard a lot of stories. And the travel was tough on my relationship even though my boyfriend never expressed any insecurities about it. It's hard to stay connected when you're apart so much. The divorce rate at my firm was pretty high- as is the rate of singles and people who don't have kids.

Here's the deal- your insecurity will absolutely destroy this relationship. Having a job with these types of commitments is hard enough without a partner who questions your every move.

However, if this lifestyle is going to be permanent for her, imo deciding it's not for you is a reasonable decision to come to. You may not want the risks and challenges that are part of this package.

So, talk to her and figure out how this job fits in with her greater plan. But don't guilt-trip her for doing her job.

My years traveling were hard, but I dont regret them. I am thankful my boyfriend was so supportive, and am also very glad to have left the travel behind me. It was not something I wanted for myself long-term, but was a good investment in my career.
I also traveled a great deal. It was always my intention to never give my wife reason to be uncomfortable with my actions. His lady is not doing that, in my experience, when a partner gets annoyed with things of this manner it's a red flag.

It would be wise of her to cut out the hanging out part of these trips, at the very least the drinking.

OP, here is the thing, it's not wise to forge on in a relationship with a partner who doesn't give your concerns real consideration.
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Old 31st October 2017, 1:20 PM   #32
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Thank heavens your not married. She is really into her work now, and you are her security blanket when she is "home". Which sounds like, not much these days. Being the supportive boyfriend, you should support her work ethic. But I would probably put the chills on the "relationship" part for now. You even said that she focused on work and doesn't even have time to call and stuff...Even if all is above board with her workmates, she may just want to concentrate on herself and her career. Which is fine, but you need her to be honest with the relationship part. The line "You just need to know I love you.." Is a bit euphemistic and lame.
I always related it to a family pet of sorts. Please don't take it wrong, just that when you walk your dog in a park and it suddenly darts away, you let go of the leash right? Otherwise, you get taken for a ride and end up getting hurt. Go ahead and walk the park my friend, but when she pulls to hard....You need to let go. And find somebody who wants to put as much effort into a relationship as you do.. Best of luck.
Oh yeah, and please....NO KIDS. Be careful. There is some drama you don't need!
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Old 31st October 2017, 1:20 PM   #33
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I don' think OP is insecure. I think he is like a lot of traditionally raised men who have found themselves behind the times and outdated. He wants a GF who is not out traveling all the time. He wants a stay-close-to-home woman. There is absolutely nothing wrong with this. Beating him up as being insecure is off the mark.


And she is not doing anything wrong either. She sounds like a straight-up lady.


The problem here is that he is simply with a woman who is not compatible with him. He needs to end this relationship and find a lady who doesn't travel for work and who is not married to her career. Simple as that.
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Old 31st October 2017, 1:21 PM   #34
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Since you need to lead her into considering your feelings and she doesn't seem too worried about handing you peace of mind on a silver platter - you two may not be a good match.

Besides, how can you build intimacy and closeness with someone who is gone all the time and doesn't contact you often while away? You can't!

IF she made you her top priority she would be calling and texting YOU!

Instead she's drinking with coworkers and ignoring your contact = she's not that into you.
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Old 31st October 2017, 1:40 PM   #35
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This woman is working. Socializing over beer is perfectly normal and expected, and when done by adults with boundaries, doesn’t lead to cheating. OP’s insecurities would annoy me no end, and yeah, I’d be short with him too. That doesn’t mean I’m cheating. It means I’m tired of not being trusted. It means my boyfriend needs to stop being a clingy whiner and start treating me and my career with respect. There is nothing wrong with what she’s doing.
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Old 31st October 2017, 2:06 PM   #36
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OP....

My husband has traveled 50 % of the time for the past 15 years....
35 years ago I had an affair and two years later he had a revenge affair. So we have infidelity in our history.

If you are having difficulty...and doubts and fears about your partner traveling...you should absolutely discuss it...but I would like to address something here.

Many times the fears we have are our own insecurities...and not necessarily reflective of anything our partner has done or said. So the fears you have are within you...and she may or may not be the cause or the problem.

There has to be trust in a relationship...and if she has never given you a reason to doubt her...if she has never lied to you...then the issues here are the fears within you and not her behavior.

Is some fear healthy? of course it is. We should all listen to our gut feelings....we should all be aware that infidelity is always a possibility. But is your situation a healthy fear or a crippling fear?

TO me the most important part of your story is...do you feel comfortable discussing your fears with her? and if you are not comfortable communicating your fears and insecurities with your partner...you have a huge obstacle in your relationship to overcome.

If the basic foundation of communication is broken..how then do you build on that foundation? If you are not comfortable discussing basic feelings with each other....how can you possibly progress as a couple and establish a comfortable relationship that you feel free to discuss ALL subjects.

I don't think she is cheating...I don't think she is even thinking about cheating...my bigger fear for the both of you is that neither of you is being honest about your feelings...and for this relationship to grow and mature..there simply has to be honesty and trust...not just trust that you wont cheat...but trust that you can share your deepest fears with each other and that the other partner will always have your best interest at heart.

The other part i want to point out is "delivery". If you approach her about this subject...and she becomes immediately defensive...is it the way you approached it? If someone comes at me in an accusing manner...I immediately become defensive...so I would remind you that your approach to her can cause her reaction to be less than desirable.

I wish you luck and I really hope you can work through this if the two of you really love each other and want to build a life together.
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Old 31st October 2017, 2:22 PM   #37
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OP...I also want to add this

My husband travels....which means i am home without him. So I have every opportunity to cheat that he has.

If I were doing the traveling and he was the one staying home....we both would still have the same opportunity.

Are you more likely to cheat because she is gone? You could ....you could go out and do whatever you want while she is gone. But you don't....just like I don't.

We ALL can cheat if we want to...we all have the opportunity to do so....it is a matter of what we choose to do.

I believe with all of my heart that my husband has been faithful to me on all of his travels without me. Could he cheat? yes Could he cheat and i would never find out about it? yes

Could I cheat while he is gone? yes Could I cheat and he would never find out? yes But I know that I have been faithful to him.

One of the things we have always made sure we do is keep in contact. We text, we call. We hold each other accountable and we hold ourselves accountable to each other.
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Old 31st October 2017, 3:49 PM   #38
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If a person wants to cheat they are going to find a way to do so, whether on a business trip, in the broom closet at the office or at a lover's apartment during lunch hour. You cannot stop your partner from cheating if that is what he or she is going to do. All you can do is control how you react to it if you find out they have.
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Old 31st October 2017, 3:57 PM   #39
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You need to trust her. It really would not bother me if my husband travelled a lot. He has had jobs that involved some travel every month or so, but it's never been a concern.

This is her job and as she's not done anything for you to get suspicious about, then you really need to trust her.

If the issue is that you miss her a lot ... that's something else. High powered roles can involve frequent travel ... try and be more supportive.
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Old 31st October 2017, 5:15 PM   #40
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This is a girlfriend, not a wife. She's not beholden to him. If he cannot find a way to accept her work and social life, then he needs to break up with her and find a more compatible partner.
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Old 31st October 2017, 5:20 PM   #41
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I also traveled a great deal. It was always my intention to never give my wife reason to be uncomfortable with my actions. His lady is not doing that, in my experience, when a partner gets annoyed with things of this manner it's a red flag.

It would be wise of her to cut out the hanging out part of these trips, at the very least the drinking.

OP, here is the thing, it's not wise to forge on in a relationship with a partner who doesn't give your concerns real consideration.

I agree that a good partner listens to the other's concerns & addresses them. But she can't very well not socialize. It's part of the job. Her annoyance may be a function of how many times the OP had brought up this same broken record & refuses to accept that she is not cheating. While her statement that the men she's hanging with are married themselves is not a guarantee that they are faithful to their wives, it's some indication that she's trying to reassure her partner / the OP.
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Old 31st October 2017, 5:31 PM   #42
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I don't see a problem with him not liking his girlfriend traveling with other men. That's just him. He has values, and her work life conflicts with those values. Neither she or he is in the wrong. They are simply incompatible. Nothing she can do would appease him, nor should she try to appease him.
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Old 31st October 2017, 5:45 PM   #43
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Then why is this in the marriage forum?
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Old 31st October 2017, 6:43 PM   #44
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I don't see a problem with him not liking his girlfriend traveling with other men. That's just him. He has values, and her work life conflicts with those values. Neither she or he is in the wrong. They are simply incompatible. Nothing she can do would appease him, nor should she try to appease him.
and it is up to him to decide what he can or cannot tolerate within his own relationship and not up to others to decide that for him based upon their own opinions and prejudices.

If her traveling is something he cannot live with...then he certainly can choose to end the relationship...but he should do so because it is what is right for the both of them. It would be a shame to throw away a relationship without first exploring every available option to save it.

I don't know enough about either of them to declare them incompatible
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Old 31st October 2017, 7:05 PM   #45
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I agree that a good partner listens to the other's concerns & addresses them. But she can't very well not socialize. It's part of the job. Her annoyance may be a function of how many times the OP had brought up this same broken record & refuses to accept that she is not cheating. While her statement that the men she's hanging with are married themselves is not a guarantee that they are faithful to their wives, it's some indication that she's trying to reassure her partner / the OP.
I am currently a plant manager five buildings and 750 employees, it's a world-class company with many plants worldwide. We get a constant influx of visitors, as well as doing our fair share of visiting. Rarely, very very rarely do I socialize outside of what pertains to work. So yes, she can avoid the socializing, it's likely not a part of her job, in fact I would guess her company doesn't endorse the drinking.

Reassurance or gaslighting, from our veiw it looks the same, right?
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