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[If reconciled] What did the affair cost you?


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Old 29th October 2017, 10:09 AM   #1
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[If reconciled] What did the affair cost you?

This is a question for ws. It's for myself, but also a general interest.

If you have been a ws who reconciled with your spouse, what "price" do you feel they paid for your affair?

What did it cost you?

If you are a bs, what price did you pay? Did any good come from it? Was it worth it?

For myself, in all honesty, there was some good that came from it. Sometimes, that's the best you can do in a crappy situation.

While I don't think that his A and the fallout was a fair price to pay, at least some good came from it. I know my husband was in a lot of emotional pain at the time, and as someone who has been lucky enough to never have gone through what he has, I can't begin to understand what it was like for him back then.

I guess it come down to taking lemons and making lemonade. Take the bad and find the good.

For what his A cost me? It's been about ten years later, and for the most part, things are really good between us. Not perfect, but really good. I can't say I trust him 100%, as I don't and never will again...but I do trust him more than anyone else. We will never have that "innocent" kind of love we used to.
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Old 5th November 2017, 12:21 PM   #2
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For those who decide not to reconcile then the cost is their M.

For those of us who do, there is no cost. Its time spent earning the things that were lost. Falling in genuine love again. Hopefully like me and yourself you recover and things are better than ever.
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Old 5th November 2017, 6:55 PM   #3
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Quote:
Originally Posted by jnel921 View Post
For those who decide not to reconcile then the cost is their M.

For those of us who do, there is no cost. Its time spent earning the things that were lost. Falling in genuine love again. Hopefully like me and yourself you recover and things are better than ever.
You are right.

I've been thinking about this for a while, not because I am in a bad place, but because I sometimes wonder what I lost.

That innocent love was wonderful, and I will never, ever have that again. I simply can not trust anyone...except myself, and that's the one person who I can usually trust to screw up

I asked my husband about this last night. He explained that he feels like he will never be the guy who he thought he was. From what he says, in his mind, he will always be the one who cheated and the one who hurt me and our children for no real reason. He said it will always bother him to know he let us down.
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Old 6th November 2017, 7:40 AM   #4
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Costs:

The elephant in the room that everyone ignores.

The paranoia from time to time.

How much is the paranoia due to what happened,
or because of being trickle truthed and not knowing
ninety nine percent of what happened and the wife
refusing to fill in the missing pieces.
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Old 8th November 2017, 9:04 AM   #5
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I think this article sums it up pretty well.

https://www.affairrecovery.com/newsl...ing-infidelity

"Staying and coping with infidelity meant sacrificing the ability to be honest with family. He couldn’t share his struggles, for fear of more complications. To stay would cost him pride. He’d always believed people who stayed were too weak to leave. To stay would cost his self-respect. He couldn’t believe things he’d said and done in his fits of rage. It would be so much easier to be away from her and not be triggered by her presence. To forgive seemed to make a mockery of all he’d sacrificed for the sake of their marriage. Instead of being proud of what he and Sandra had built, he now felt he’d been played the fool and taken advantage of."
...
  • It costs their dignity when they choose to stay rather than leave.
  • It costs them their just due when they choose to forgo justice for the sake of the relationship.
  • It costs them their sanity because they don’t control the painful thoughts invading their mind. Their present-day reality is constantly interrupted with painful memories of the past.
  • It costs them their dreams because this road isn’t one they’d ever planned on traveling.
  • It costs them health because the pain of the offense consumes their life.


For me, it's all of these things plus
- I can't watch movies that involve infidelity
- I no longer enjoy love songs on the radio
- I use to love golf but I haven't played or watch any golf in 9 years
- The holiday season is one of depression, not joy
- I'm cynical when it comes to weddings and marriage vows (rarely attend weddings)
- Although I now feel that our marriage is strong and authentic, it is still "lesser than" due to her affair
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Old 12th November 2017, 11:53 PM   #6
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It cost me exactly one pair of rose colored glasses.
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