Potential Divorce with small kids

[todd18us]

Ever since we had kids, my wife is just not the same person. I am also different. And I don't expect people to stay the same as kids are a life changing experience. However, my wife has become mean and controlling. For example, my wife went on a girls trip for several days. She was going to take the train from the airport, but I surprised her with the kids and picked her up. My three year old started to have a melt down as we were waiting for her in the airport. My wife came out and my 5 year old gave her a big hug but my 3 year old just laid on the floor. My wife says to me "back to reality" and was mad at me that I came to the airport. She says I should have known that my daughter would not be able to handle it. Basically making feel bad for trying to do something nice. It is like being nice goes against me.

 

I love my kids so much and they are so young still, the thought of only seeing them 50% of the time is devastating to me. But not sure I can deal with this negativity, mean, controlling ways.

Edited October 29, 2017 by todd18us

[GoldenR]

Constantly angry at you for no reason coupled with a girls' weekend.....

 

It sounds like she's in an affair. You need to investigate. Start with phone records. And if you see a **** ton of texts/calls to one number, that's where you start.

Edited October 29, 2017 by GoldenR

[road]

Constantly angry at you for no reason coupled with a girls' weekend.....

 

It sounds like she's in an affair. You need to investigate. Start with phone records. And if you see a **** ton of texts/calls to one number, that's where you start.

 

Yes you cut her time down with the OM by eliminating the

train ride. Did you see any of the GF's from the trip?

 

Time to investigate. Hide a VAR in WW's car.

[BaileyB]

Have you tried marriage counselling with your wife?

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

I don't see that as automatically an affair, and I doubt that it is. She was just annoyed that her last few minutes of peace and quiet were taken from her without warning. I'm not defending her snappish ways because she could have been more grateful for the kind gesture, but I'm doubting her girls trip was code for an affair. JMO.

 

Anyway, have you tried marriage counseling? Jumping right to "divorce" because of how you are feeling is a bit drastic.

[todd18us]

You are right. I was just emotional about it. Her brother is getting a divorce right now because he is having the same issues with his ex. It is in my consciousnesses. We could do counseling but not sure it will help. She needs like yoga and meditation to calm down and see the positives of life. I deliberately married to avoid this kind of woman because it represented my dad. She never displayed this behavior until kids came along.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

You are right. I was just emotional about it. Her brother is getting a divorce right now because he is having the same issues with his ex. It is in my consciousnesses. We could do counseling but not sure it will help. She needs like yoga and meditation to calm down and see the positives of life. I deliberately married to avoid this kind of woman because it represented my dad. She never displayed this behavior until kids came along.

 

This is not unusual. Kids are stressful. Is she a stay at home mom?

[TheWoman]

Children test the best of us. For women in particular it can feel like the old you (the real you) is being dissolved. It is a hard process to go through and can take a few years to come right again. Were you together long before the children came on the scene? The couples I know who got through this better had many years just them beforehand. Please try to be patient with it, keep talking, try counselling if it gets worse. Divorce is very hard on everyone, not a trigger you want to pull until you have no doubts.

[deadsoul]

Please don't automatically assume she is having an affair, as others have suggested. She may just be suffering from depression.

 

Communication... and counseling... she needs to understand how you feel and you need to try to find understanding of her and why she's acting that way. Does she know how you're feeling?

[BaileyB]

Is she a stay at home mom?

 

Perhaps, the stress could be relieved by putting the children in preschool, thus allowing her some more time to pursue her own interests (and by that, I do not mean an affair...). Perhaps, she is suffering from depression and needs a bit of a break.

 

Have you told her how you are feeling and asked her what she needs to feel better about the situation?

[GoldenR]

People keep saying "automatically assume she's having an affair".

 

I didn't say that. But she is showing signs of it. And it does bear investigating. He may find nothing. But if he doesn't even look into it, and then a year later he finds out....

[somanymistakes]

People keep saying "automatically assume she's having an affair".

 

I didn't say that. But she is showing signs of it. And it does bear investigating. He may find nothing. But if he doesn't even look into it, and then a year later he finds out....

 

I don't see any specific signs pointing to anything other than exactly what the poster has said - that she's frazzled and fed up with motherhood and it's making her short-tempered and wanting to get out of the house.

 

Excessive paranoia is almost as destructive to a relationship as actual cheating is.

 

Imagine a loving wife who believes that she and her husband have a good, trusting relationship, that they share everything with each other. Then one day she comes home and finds out that secret video cameras have been rigged up all over her bedroom and recording devices snuck into her car. Imagine the terror, distress, and confusion, first of thinking some insane stalker is out to get her... and then when she discovers that it was her beloved husband who did this, for no reason that she knows of. Distraught, she might come to a forum like this for advice, where of course she would be told that her husband's paranoia probably means he's cheating on her...

 

There are times when it's necessary to investigate, but in those cases you're pretty much giving up the relationship for dead either way. Either you find proof of cheating, or you eviscerate the trust and love of your spouse. There are zero good outcomes possible when it comes to stalking your own wife/husband.

 

A quick check to see if she's calling someone all the time isn't so terrible, though.

[elaine567]

Sometimes women after having kids get into super-mom mode and they can get into the habit of bossing everyone around and picking up on the mistakes and making sure it all runs smoothly.

That can be great for the running of the household, but when she also includes the husband in all this whirlwind of activity, then it can seem to him that he is not appreciated and he tends not to like the new harder, more controlling, meaner version of his wife, but she is just responding to the difficult job of bringing up kids.

She is probably not as relaxed as the "natural" mother types, so tends to over compensate and may build some resentment too, if she feels overwhelmed or feels her husband is not pulling his weight.

 

I do not know if this is what is going on here, but it could be.

[GoldenR]

I don't see any specific signs pointing to anything other than exactly what the poster has said - that she's frazzled and fed up with motherhood and it's making her short-tempered and wanting to get out of the house.

 

Let's see.....signs that a W may be cheating:

 

Frazzled and fed up with motherhood....check

Short-tempered....check

Wanting to get out of the house....check

Weekend with the girls....check

[basil67]

Let's see.....signs that a W may be cheating:

 

Frazzled and fed up with motherhood....check

Short-tempered....check

Wanting to get out of the house....check

Weekend with the girls....check

 

Also strong signs of a frazzled mother who isn't cheating.

 

Now if she was unexpectedly absent, hiding her phone, getting texts at strange hours.....then I'd be agreeing with you.

[basil67]

Your example isn't her being "mean and controlling". She was certainly tetchy. And what she said was unnecessary. But very few of us say the right thing 100% of the time.

 

However, that's not saying that she isn't mean and controlling at other times. Perhaps there's some better examples you can give so that we can help you with advice?

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

Let's see.....signs that a W may be cheating:

 

Frazzled and fed up with motherhood....check

Short-tempered....check

Wanting to get out of the house....check

Weekend with the girls....check

 

The above list is all just a very typical hallmark list of what it's like to be a mom of kids not in school yet.

 

Weekend with the girls is really pushing it. Especially in the age of social media. A girls weekend is full of social media posts documenting the entire event.

[road]

Let's see.....signs that a W may be cheating:

 

Frazzled and fed up with motherhood....check

Short-tempered....check

Wanting to get out of the house....check

Weekend with the girls....check

 

And, not wanting to be picked up at the airport after a weekend

of GNO's, rather take the train home.......why........check

[todd18us]

Elaine pretty much sums it up

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

Elaine pretty much sums it up

 

I have a friend who was like that, and honestly, a lot of us were worried about their marriage "back then." Now the kids are older (one senior in HS, one eighth grade) and they have an amazing family, a VERY happy marriage, and she really IS super mom. They found their groove of her husband appreciating her, her finding joy in every moment, and the kids getting an amazing childhood because of all she DOES.

 

Honestly, it doesn't sound like you've put a lot of effort into your marital issues.

[GoldenR]

Weekend with the girls is really pushing it. Especially in the age of social media. A girls weekend is full of social media posts documenting the entire event.

 

 

I'm guessing you don't frequent the infidelity board here that much.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

I'm guessing you don't frequent the infidelity board here that much.

 

I don't need to visit the board. I've lived it. Twice. Once resulted in me divorcing my cheating husband, and then when I took him back (AFTER we had divorced), he did it again. I'm quite aware of the signs and the destruction infidelity causes, trust me . I've also missed my calling as a detective, and nothing gets past me, hence me catching my cheating husband. I know what to look for, even if I was stupid enough to take him back, but that's a whole 'nother story.

 

I've also been a totally overwhelmed mother of young kids the same ages/age gap as these kids, and did not always handle it well, but I was not having an affair. I lacked coping skills sometimes. I think that is what's going on here.

 

I also am part of a large group of girls who go on an annual girls trip and some of them are hella annoying with all of the pics and social media posts lol! There's no WAY I could feign a girls trip and instead go have an affair. Not only because of social media, but because I would never be able to even get ONE of my girlfriends to cover for me, let alone 9. (No clue how big this woman's girls group is....I'm projecting on that)

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

P.S. And, quite honestly, in this case, if anyone is having an affair, I think it's the husband/OP, looking for a reason/excuse/justification to exit this marriage.

[Just a Guy]

Hi Cautiously, I think that was a bit unfair. If the OP was looking to get an excuse to cheat or leave the marriage he would NOT have come to a forum like this one to vent and ask for advice. He would have just gone ahead and done what he wanted to do and would not need inputs from strangers for it. He did appreciate Elaine's summation of his situation so he is looking for answers and solutions.

 

I am also wondering why the ladies on the forum have all jumped to the defence and justification of the wife while totally ignoring the discomfort that the OP is feeling. None of the ladies has given him something to work with except Elaine. My point here is that the OP is also in this marriage and while his wife may be the principal care giver for the children, I think the OP too, would be pulling his weight with sharing her responsibilities. The very fact that she was able to go off on a trip with her girlfriends for the weekend leaving him alone with the two small kids speaks volumes about his commitment to the marriage and to his responsibility as a father. I think his going to the airport to receive his wife was a very thoughtful gesture. Any man planning to cheat or walk out of his marriage imminently, would just not have bothered.I also think his wife's reaction to her little daughter lying on the floor and displaying some childish tantrums, was rather churlish. She did not show any appreciation for the gesture but turned it around on the OP and made him feel as if he had done something wrong. If you cannot handle having kids then be like Recent Change or Soulmate or the other ladies on here who are emphatic about their desire not to have them. You cannot have your cake and eat it too. I think the OP is right about the way he feels and his wife's behaviour must be something intolerable for him to be considering divorce. Of course there is also the possibility that she is actually cheating, in which case the end result, as far as he is concerned, is the same. OP what does your gut tell you? If you have a gut feel that something is fishy, then investigate as some others have suggested and find out the truth for yourself. Warm wishes.

[road]

I don't need to visit the board. I've lived it. Twice. Once resulted in me divorcing my cheating husband, and then when I took him back (AFTER we had divorced), he did it again. I'm quite aware of the signs and the destruction infidelity causes, trust me . I've also missed my calling as a detective, and nothing gets past me, hence me catching my cheating husband. I know what to look for, even if I was stupid enough to take him back, but that's a whole 'nother story.

 

I've also been a totally overwhelmed mother of young kids the same ages/age gap as these kids, and did not always handle it well, but I was not having an affair. I lacked coping skills sometimes. I think that is what's going on here.

 

I also am part of a large group of girls who go on an annual girls trip and some of them are hella annoying with all of the pics and social media posts lol! There's no WAY I could feign a girls trip and instead go have an affair. Not only because of social media, but because I would never be able to even get ONE of my girlfriends to cover for me, let alone 9. (No clue how big this woman's girls group is....I'm projecting on that)

 

You base your facts on your life experience.

 

I have been on infidelity forums a very long time.

I have seen thousands of affairs.

I have seen countless WW's have GNO's from one night, weekends, to

a whole week, where their GF's covered and enabled the WW to

meet her OM and have a F' "k feast with the OM.