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Pequeen1 28th October 2017 8:45 AM

Found hairs that aren't mine.
Ok Im not really sure about where to post this and how to go about this so here goes. Im going to give a little background on my marriage so there is some perspective as to why im asking this question.

Been married 6 years, 2 children....husband is 27 years older and has grown children besides our 2. When we got together i didnt know how old he was until after i started having feelings so it didnt bother me. We did everything together, went out and spent time together and he love bombed me. As the years have gone by that has stopped. Two years ago i finally told him that it bothered me he did very little with me and the boys and that we never spent time together alone. He told me that this is how it is to get over it and told me that phase of our relationship is over. Hes not been there for me through major life events like the death of my grandmother (he didnt go to second viewing and wasnt near me for the first or the burial). He comes home from work and sits on his computer in front of the tv while i do most of the housework and parenting. I went to counseling and me mocked me. I asked him to go and his way of saying no is to ignore i said anything. Ten months ago i found a prescription bottle and found out he has genital herpes, has had it for 30 years and just didnt feel the need to tell me cuz it was hard "conversation to have" and he didnt want me to leave. He keeps the meds hidden and doesnt take them (i count them) even though i have told him it would go a long way in me trusting him if i saw him take them (he was shocked i dont trust him)

So now my question.....i keep finding long blonde and shorter brown hairs in my house. I clean every sunday. My mom and sister were in town two months ago. But ive found these hairs beside my bed, in front of my bathroom sink, IN my bathroom sink after i cleaned and left for a week....he was home in the middle of that vacation for 2 days and my brother who lives with us found a hair on the toilet bowl that matched one in my sink during those two days. (And no these hairs arent from my brother bringing a woman home....i asked repeatedly and he knows im freaking out). Ive found hairs in the hall bathroom tub multiple times too. I just dont know what to think....and its driving me crazy.


Gaeta 28th October 2017 8:59 AM

Why do you care at all about hair ! Take your 2 kids and leave. Your life was already miserable before you found those hair.

CautiouslyOptimistic 28th October 2017 9:01 AM

The hairs are a huge red flag. Can you get a voice activated recorder and set it up in your home?

Pequeen1 28th October 2017 9:15 AM

Ok let me add a few things....

1 I have short hair, pixie style
2 he doesnít have a cell phone, refuses to get one
3 Iíve checked his email thereís nothing there except a few emails years ago to old flame that had a few emotional hints, basically idea of one youíll never get over stuff

I bought hidden camera yesterday

road 28th October 2017 9:19 AM


Originally Posted by CautiouslyOptimistic (Post 7452517)
The hairs are a huge red flag. Can you get a voice activated recorder and set it up in your home?

Also hide a small camera in the rooms where you found the
hairs. Between the VAR and the cameras you will have your

Also hide a VAR in your husbands car.

I say divorce him now. Though I understand your need to
have proof first before you make a move.

Gaeta 28th October 2017 9:20 AM

Why do you go through all of that spying when he treats you like dirt already?

Pequeen1 28th October 2017 9:46 AM

Good question.....

Pequeen1 28th October 2017 11:19 AM


Originally Posted by Gaeta (Post 7452539)
Why do you go through all of that spying when he treats you like dirt already?

This is something i struggle with daily. I started saving money a while ago and saw an attorney after the herpes thing and i talked to husband and he told me i was going to throw our marriage away for something minor. He doesnt see why im unhappy...the things that bothered me before. He will "try" for a few weeks and then when he doesnt get the response he wants immediately he quits. He tells me that hes never said the things hes said....sadly i have a great memory.

Im worried about screwing up my kids by leaving. Im worried about screwing them up by staying....

newmoon 28th October 2017 9:17 PM

my first thought went to a small hidden camera, so i hope that works out. once you see something (or not) you'll make the right decision. you might be the type of person that just wants solid proof before you exit.

BaileyB 28th October 2017 9:37 PM


Originally Posted by Pequeen1 (Post 7452642)
I started saving money a while ago and saw an attorney after the herpes thing and i talked to husband and he told me i was going to throw our marriage away for something minor.

Your husband is gaslighting you. Google search the term. What he is doing is disrespectful and emotionally abusive.

In his words, you are going to throw away your marriage for something "minor." I don't know - a husband who lies to me about an STD, belittles me, mocks me, does not share responsibilities, refuses to show affection, and is quite possibly having an affair in your own home - well, those don't seem like "minor issues" to me.

I wouldn't worry about finding the person to whom those hairs belong, I would file for divorce before the sun goes down. Kids are resilient. They will be fine. What kind of a role model do they really have at home anyway...

Take care of yourself and your children.

Just a Guy 29th October 2017 3:01 AM

Hi Pequeen, I have just one thing to say. You two are as compatible as a lamb and a lion. This man is old enough to be your father for God's sake! I would feel sick if I had to be married to some one that much older than me. Get out while the going is good. No need to wait around for proof of anything. God, he's had herpes since before you were born. Come on lady have some self respect, this man has cradle snatched you and you are contented with it. He just needed a house keeper and someone to keep him warm at night. I am sure that by now he has ED and other old age problems and you're soon going to become his stay at home nurse. Just make tracks lady. Warm wishes.

MJJean 29th October 2017 11:37 AM

I hate to say it, but I'd bet my last $ that he's cheating and I'd also bet my last $ that he hasn't told the woman or women he's cheating with that he has the herp.

Frankly, I'd consider failure to disclose the herpes and failure to properly take his medication for the herpes as dealbreakers and grounds for divorce. The piss poor treatment would just cement the decision.

deadsoul 29th October 2017 1:23 PM

Does an affair matter at this point? Will it be the final straw for you? You seem to be putting up with way more than anyone should.

Good luck, OP. Please keep us posted, though it sounds like the way he treats you, an affair is just icing on a sh** cake.

You deserve better.

MidlifeMama 29th October 2017 3:17 PM

I think "Proof" is only going to hurt you more. Do you really want to see him screwing someone else? There are weird hairs everywhere, he is aloof, mocking you...He's having an affair.

Get your ducks in a row. If he treats his children's Mother with such disrespect when they are young, can you imagine how the kids will be when they are even more impressionable as they get older? They may repeat the pattern.

Sounds like he decided starting over at his age was not really what he had anticipated. Doesn't matter. You still have your youth, your children. It's o.k. to say this isn't good for me and I need out.

Speak with a lawyer. Understand that it's going to be painful, but you'll get through it. Lean on family and friends.

BTW, not telling you about his STD was insanely irresponsible and horrible. You should have been able to protect yourself, even if you had decided up front that it wasn't a deal breaker. Get tested. You don't have to have lesions to pass the virus. It is not right to knowingly expose someone to an STD. I don't mean to scare you, but you should know in case he has exposed you.

He has checked out. I'm sorry. I hope you'll find the courage to get out of this's dysfunctional in so many ways :(
Best of luck!

BaileyB 29th October 2017 3:26 PM

Absolutely, exposing you to an STD and lying about it is insanely irresponsible. You should get tested. If you do divorce and date another man, you will need to be honest with him about the risk.

It's sad, but your husband has put your health at risk and taken away your rights. For that reason alone, I would send him packing...

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