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Marriage & Life Partnerships Debunking the old-ball-and-chain stereotype one couple at a time.

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Old 9th November 2017, 10:44 AM   #121
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Originally Posted by Pequeen1 View Post
You're right...and I do think about it. About what it would be like to have someone who wants to see and do the same things I do. In that regard I feel a bit duped by him.

Thank you for sharing your situation.
If it helps any, I don't think you were duped by him so much as duped by nature and the human capacity for denial. Being in my 40's and having had friends much older than me, I have noticed that a lot of people start to really slow down between 50 and 60 due to age. Most of them seen a bit surprised. I don't know why. The slow down is a natural part of aging. I think some people are just in denial. They think they'll be different. It won't happen to them. It usually does. We all hear about that 76 year old guy who skydives, sings in a bar band, loves pop culture and technology, has a large social group of all ages, and can keep a rock hard erection for an hour. That guy is a unicorn and the vast majority will be much less youthful.

You mentioned your H was divorced, living an active lifestyle, and working out when you met and agreed to marry. The standard advice for older men who recently divorced is to basically get a gym membership, update their hair and clothing, and get out there in search of a new mate. A lot of people specifically advise seeking out a younger mate without ever mentioning the inevitable slow down on the not distant horizon and the effects it will have on the younger partner and the fledgling marriage.

About the herpes? Yeah, he definitely duped you there. Not disclosing before you had sex, much less married, was a irresponsible douchebag move.
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Old 9th November 2017, 10:56 AM   #122
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I will admit that there are successful marriages with twenty
year or larger age gap.

Other's must admit that the odds for a successful marriage
diminish as the age difference grows. This is why the age gap
should not exceed ten years.

Due to the era I grew up in ideal range is where the man is the
same age up to four years older then the woman is still the
guide to follow.
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Old 9th November 2017, 10:57 AM   #123
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I have known relationships with big age gaps to work as well. I thought I was getting something much different from what I got.

It sounds like we are very much alike. I am constantly on the go and taking my children to see and do new things. I enjoy nature and cultural things...concerts. I am physically active and fit...and intend to stay that way! Thats not to say I dont enjoy hanging out at home and relaxing but I tend to get antsy. Any sexually....yeah that aspect is a struggle right now.

I didn't think I had to consider an STI as a boundary before but its a hard line for me. I've told him that. He told me we both knew what was important (our kids) and he wasnt going anywhere, I wasnt going anywhere, no one was.
Yes, the kids are important. However, you are also important. The reality is that you and he can raise happy, well-adjusted, children from separate households just like millions of divorced co-parents do every day.

He may not think you're going anywhere, but that's not up to him. You're an adult woman in a free country who has the right to determine the course of her life. You don't need his approval or permission to file for a divorce, if that's what you want.

I know this may sound cheesy, but it's sincere.

My mom died unexpectedly at age 44. Her life was so short and she wasted a lot of it in an unhappy relationship "for the kids" because she literally couldn't afford to leave and provide for us. Thinking about it breaks my heart some 21 years after her death.

In the last 3 years, friends and family members have lost 3 children to cancer. My first friend gave birth to a daughter that had a brain tumor in utero. The baby only lived a few hours. My 2nd friend also gave birth to a baby who had a tumor. This one was on the brain stem and was surgically removed. Weeks later, it returned. It was an aggressive cancer and the baby died at 3 months. My last friend, who is sort of related as she is my sister's husbands niece, took her 2 year old son in for what she thought was an ear infection and it turned out to also be an aggressive cancer. She lost him less than 6 months later.

Why am I telling you these things? Because life is freakin short and can end at any time. Thinking about those babies really puts things into perspective for me. I have had, by the Grace of God, over 40 years here on Earth. Those babies got none of that. I feel like I owe it to their memory to live. Not just be alive, not just exist, but live.

None of us know how long we have. We owe it to ourselves and those that came before and are gone now to make the most of our time.
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Old 9th November 2017, 11:13 AM   #124
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Maybe i need to give more background here too. H has been married 4 times now. He had been divorced for several years and the working out has been a life long thing. When i told him i felt like he did everything he needed to in order to "get" me and then stopped he said i was right.


We got into it last night because our sons went to the neighbor kids house to play....I walked them over. The neighbors best friend happens to be my husbands oldest sons ex girlfriend. I always got along with her. I ended up staying for an hours chatting with the two women. We talked about everything and anything...kids, baby daddy issues (ex gf and guy she dated after my step son), siblings...lots of things, but step sons name came up in passing. When i got home my husband got nasty saying she better not have been talking about his son. I sorta flew off the handle and said that not everything is about him. He got upset and i tried to say we talked about all kinds of things but he didnt want to hear so i went in kitchen. I could hear him muttering under his breath to my brother. So when he came in kitchen i tried to tell him and explain my reaction....he ignored me and walked away. Now he wants to act like nothing happened. It is things like this that make me think trying to fix things or trying counseling would be pointless.
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Old 9th November 2017, 11:23 AM   #125
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Quote:
Originally Posted by MJJean View Post
Yes, the kids are important. However, you are also important. The reality is that you and he can raise happy, well-adjusted, children from separate households just like millions of divorced co-parents do every day.

He may not think you're going anywhere, but that's not up to him. You're an adult woman in a free country who has the right to determine the course of her life. You don't need his approval or permission to file for a divorce, if that's what you want.

I know this may sound cheesy, but it's sincere.

My mom died unexpectedly at age 44. Her life was so short and she wasted a lot of it in an unhappy relationship "for the kids" because she literally couldn't afford to leave and provide for us. Thinking about it breaks my heart some 21 years after her death.

In the last 3 years, friends and family members have lost 3 children to cancer. My first friend gave birth to a daughter that had a brain tumor in utero. The baby only lived a few hours. My 2nd friend also gave birth to a baby who had a tumor. This one was on the brain stem and was surgically removed. Weeks later, it returned. It was an aggressive cancer and the baby died at 3 months. My last friend, who is sort of related as she is my sister's husbands niece, took her 2 year old son in for what she thought was an ear infection and it turned out to also be an aggressive cancer. She lost him less than 6 months later.

Why am I telling you these things? Because life is freakin short and can end at any time. Thinking about those babies really puts things into perspective for me. I have had, by the Grace of God, over 40 years here on Earth. Those babies got none of that. I feel like I owe it to their memory to live. Not just be alive, not just exist, but live.

None of us know how long we have. We owe it to ourselves and those that came before and are gone now to make the most of our time.


Im so sorry for the losses you and your friends have had to deal with. Thats heartbreaking.

I think i stopped hiding how unhappy i was 3 years ago when my grandmother passed away then my brother in law and my uncle, all within 6 months. My grandmother was 84 and had lived a full and active life but it put into perspective for me that life is going to go by whether we want it to or not and its up to us to make sure to do the things that are on our bucket lists. So Ive started doing them. The hard pill to swallow is that rather than be supportive, even in just saying hey have fun or mentally supporting if not physically, i get guilt tripped or mocked.
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Old 9th November 2017, 1:45 PM   #126
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Maybe i need to give more background here too. H has been married 4 times now. He had been divorced for several years and the working out has been a life long thing. When i told him i felt like he did everything he needed to in order to "get" me and then stopped he said i was right.


We got into it last night because our sons went to the neighbor kids house to play....I walked them over. The neighbors best friend happens to be my husbands oldest sons ex girlfriend. I always got along with her. I ended up staying for an hours chatting with the two women. We talked about everything and anything...kids, baby daddy issues (ex gf and guy she dated after my step son), siblings...lots of things, but step sons name came up in passing. When i got home my husband got nasty saying she better not have been talking about his son. I sorta flew off the handle and said that not everything is about him. He got upset and i tried to say we talked about all kinds of things but he didnt want to hear so i went in kitchen. I could hear him muttering under his breath to my brother. So when he came in kitchen i tried to tell him and explain my reaction....he ignored me and walked away. Now he wants to act like nothing happened. It is things like this that make me think trying to fix things or trying counseling would be pointless.
The more you relate to us, the more I see why the man has been divorced 3 times. He sounds manipulative, dishonest, selfish, and immature, at best. He did everything to "get" you, but won't keep doing everything he did to keep you? WTF.

I have a feeling you are right and counseling won't help. He seems to have been this way for a long time as evidenced by the 3 divorces. This leopard won't be changing his spots. He is who he is. He's been divorced before. Don't worry about him. He'll land on his feet. Worry about you and your kids. Think about what is best for you and them mentally and emotionally. How do you want to spend your life? How do you want them to grow up? What kind of examples of marriage and manhood do you want them to emulate in adulthood?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Pequeen1 View Post
Im so sorry for the losses you and your friends have had to deal with. Thats heartbreaking.

I think i stopped hiding how unhappy i was 3 years ago when my grandmother passed away then my brother in law and my uncle, all within 6 months. My grandmother was 84 and had lived a full and active life but it put into perspective for me that life is going to go by whether we want it to or not and its up to us to make sure to do the things that are on our bucket lists. So Ive started doing them. The hard pill to swallow is that rather than be supportive, even in just saying hey have fun or mentally supporting if not physically, i get guilt tripped or mocked.
The May-December and equal age marriages I have seen that work between people with different interests and activity levels tend to include a LOT of "Ok, Honey, have a good time." and "So, how was your <insert hobby/activity here>."

I think the most bitter pill to swallow for me would be experiencing life without my partner by my side. It sounds like you are expected to behave like a married woman, but do pretty much everything alone.
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Old 9th November 2017, 5:06 PM   #127
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That is exactly how it is.....Iím expected to do everything for everyone...except myself. At least thatís how it feels. Maybe Iím just to that point.
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Old 9th November 2017, 5:09 PM   #128
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You don't have to tell the kids or your H that you're ending the marriage because your H is too old. There is a difference between honesty and TMI. All you have to say is that you weren't a compatible match, chose to end the marriage due to irreconcilable differences, and that's it. Anything more isn't anyone's business.
This is it.

And just because your H says you're not going anywhere doesn't mean you have to do what he says - heck, it's this mindset that's gotten you to this point.

He figures he doesn't need to make effort anymore - and that just sucks.

A marriage, like any relationship, takes a LOT of understanding, effort, communication and compromises.

Since he's not participating in a healthy way it's time to consider ending it - whether he agrees or not - YOU don't need his permission.
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Old 10th November 2017, 10:29 AM   #129
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The more you relate to us, the more I see why the man has been divorced 3 times. He sounds manipulative, dishonest, selfish, and immature, at best. He did everything to "get" you, but won't keep doing everything he did to keep you? WTF.

I have a feeling you are right and counseling won't help. He seems to have been this way for a long time as evidenced by the 3 divorces. This leopard won't be changing his spots. He is who he is.
After the other nights disagreement heís acting like nothing happened. Typical behavior for him. Which causes resentment on my end. How do you get over that once the resentment is there?

I have many more things i tell about the situation. My telling him i thought we should focus on us again and being told that phase of our relationship was over, telling him i would like him to spend more time with us and being told this is the way it is. What did i want him to do walk around mall holding my hand...all as he walked away from me and said get used to it. He doesnít remember any of this though.
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Old 10th November 2017, 10:30 AM   #130
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This is it.

And just because your H says you're not going anywhere doesn't mean you have to do what he says - heck, it's this mindset that's gotten you to this point.

He figures he doesn't need to make effort anymore - and that just sucks.

A marriage, like any relationship, takes a LOT of understanding, effort, communication and compromises.

Since he's not participating in a healthy way it's time to consider ending it - whether he agrees or not - YOU don't need his permission.
He makes effort for a bit when his boat is rocked...like now. I said something to him about doing nothing so heís helping. We shall see for how long.
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Old 10th November 2017, 1:28 PM   #131
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After the other nights disagreement heís acting like nothing happened. Typical behavior for him. Which causes resentment on my end. How do you get over that once the resentment is there?

I have many more things i tell about the situation. My telling him i thought we should focus on us again and being told that phase of our relationship was over, telling him i would like him to spend more time with us and being told this is the way it is. What did i want him to do walk around mall holding my hand...all as he walked away from me and said get used to it. He doesnít remember any of this though.
I can't tell you how to get over your resentment. I can tell you that I have gotten over resentment two ways.

1) Absence. If I remove the resentment generator, the resentment fades and, eventually, disappears. In your case, removing the generator would be ending the marriage.

2) Acceptance. If the cause of the resentment is valuable to me, if there are far more pro's than con's, I will accept that the resentment generator is what it is, there's no changing it, so I might as well work with or around it.

I think you have a problem on multiple fronts. His age and the stage of life he is in (he's crested the hill and is on his way down while you're just starting the climb), plus the stage the relationship is in (past the honeymoon of limerence), plus his general *******-ness (some guys are just dicks), are all working against you.

I wonder if you're asking the wrong question. Maybe you should be asking do you even want to get over the resentment. Take the kids out of the equation because kids grow up and become independent leaving their parents with just each other. So, look at the marriage separate from the parenting. Is this the man, as he is, who you want to spend your life with?

As to him saying "that phase is over", he was being honest even if he doesn't remember it. His actions have matched his words there. He courted you and won you. He sees no reason to keep courting you. He doesn't feel driven to hold your hand or do the other little things you'd like him to do, so he doesn't do them unless you complain. When you do complain, he likely does what you ask to shut you up, not out of desire to do the thing itself. Some people are ok with that so long as they get the thing they want. Personally, I don't want anything my husband doesn't want to give freely on his own.

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He makes effort for a bit when his boat is rocked...like now. I said something to him about doing nothing so heís helping. We shall see for how long.
It's usually a cycle that never ends without either the relationship ending or serious intervention such as a counselor and a lot of hard work to change the habit.

He neglects, you complain, he does something for a minute, rinse and repeat. To stop this cycle, he'd have to admit it's a problem and be willing to work to fix it.

Before I say this, let me say that I firmly believe that if you say you'll do something, you have to do it or you lose credibility. So, if you take this advice, make sure you are absolutely willing to follow through.

If you're seriously leaning toward divorce, why not tell him that? Sit him down and explain that you WILL file the papers if he doesn't XYZ. Make a list of your dealbreakers before the conversation if you have to. Then, get into therapy. If he doesn't do the work or stops doing the work, you file.
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Old 10th November 2017, 2:26 PM   #132
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Maybe i need to give more background here too. H has been married 4 times now.
Boy - this is a match up that really has all the statistical odds stacked against you.

NINETY THREE - 93%!! of all fourth marriages end in divorce. If someone says "I do" and promises to love and cherish FOREVER - four times over - well that shows you that those words, and their commitment, and their ability to make sound decisions on the matter are seriously lacking.

Then add a 27 year age gap? Boy the bookies would be paying out if a marriage like this lasted till death do us part.

Your odds are somewhere around 5 in a 100 for this to actually work out. Add a husband who won't communicate and isn't willing to put in the work.... Make that 99 to 1.

How much more of your life are you going to give to this failing endeavor?
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Old 11th November 2017, 1:10 PM   #133
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What's the update on the cameras?
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Old 11th November 2017, 1:14 PM   #134
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What's the update on the cameras?
I think she and her children are away for the weekend.
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Old 11th November 2017, 1:25 PM   #135
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I think she and her children are away for the weekend.
Yep, I'm wondering if she's seen anything yet.

The cameras in my house show me on my phone what's happening in real time.
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