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Found hairs that aren't mine.


Marriage & Life Partnerships Debunking the old-ball-and-chain stereotype one couple at a time.

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Old 29th October 2017, 7:11 PM   #16
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I was tested....Twice. i tested negative for it. Which is why ive told him i cant be intimate with him. That plus the trust issue just really make it impossible right now.
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Old 29th October 2017, 7:19 PM   #17
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I was tested....Twice. i tested negative for it. Which is why ive told him i cant be intimate with him. That plus the trust issue just really make it impossible right now.
Good for you. Now having heard this, he is most certainly cheating on you, in your own home. The question is - what are you planning to do about this all?

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Old 29th October 2017, 8:18 PM   #18
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Why are you even with him? He's old, diseased, disengaged, rude, deceptive and probably a cheat.

Good for you for getting counseling. It sounds like it's helping you become more aware of the difference between right and wrong.
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Old 29th October 2017, 8:52 PM   #19
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Iíve stayed because I made a commitment. My parents divorced when I was 20 and I swore I wouldnít put my kids through that...

Counseling was for many reasons, losing my grandmother and coping with that as well as dealing with the issues at home that I thought were in my head. It was never about right and wrong...I knew he was wrong for not telling me....it was more could I forgive him and move forward.
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Old 29th October 2017, 9:00 PM   #20
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Iíve stayed because I made a commitment. My parents divorced when I was 20 and I swore I wouldnít put my kids through that...
So, since you won't leave, how can we help you?
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Old 29th October 2017, 10:42 PM   #21
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I’ve stayed because I made a commitment. My parents divorced when I was 20 and I swore I wouldn’t put my kids through that...

Counseling was for many reasons, losing my grandmother and coping with that as well as dealing with the issues at home that I thought were in my head. It was never about right and wrong...I knew he was wrong for not telling me....it was more could I forgive him and move forward.
I never understood people who stay for the kids, probably because I left for mine.

Anyway, can you forgive every single thing he does or doesn't do that you know in your heart is wrong? He has shown such little regard for your well being that I am curious how you can overlook that.

Do you want your children to think it's okay to be treated like crap as long as they have someone by their side pretending to love them?
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Old 30th October 2017, 8:04 AM   #22
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I never understood people who stay for the kids, probably because I left for mine.

Anyway, can you forgive every single thing he does or doesn't do that you know in your heart is wrong? He has shown such little regard for your well being that I am curious how you can overlook that.

Do you want your children to think it's okay to be treated like crap as long as they have someone by their side pretending to love them?
Let me clarify, I said Iíd stay as a 20 something year old before I had kids and was was actually in a position where I actually considered leaving. No I donít want my kids, both boys, to grow up thinking itís ok not to consider how your actions and words hurt others. Theyíre 6 and 3 and starting to pick up habits I donít like...luckily he spends very little individual time with them, but I worry to think what would happen if he did spend more. I think he does love them, as much as heís capable...heís never intentionally hurt them....he just does it without awareness.

Iíve done everything but walk out and file paperwork, I havenít worn my ring for months. I donít like the idea of being a quitter or making mistake here....maybe I posted here to make sure I wasnít being irrational as this behavior has just been my norm for years now.
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Old 30th October 2017, 8:12 AM   #23
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So, since you won't leave, how can we help you?
Never said i wont...just that i had stayed for this long for that reason.....things chance and situations happen you never saw coming....def never saw herpes coming.
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Old 30th October 2017, 8:33 AM   #24
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I’ve stayed because I made a commitment. My parents divorced when I was 20 and I swore I wouldn’t put my kids through that...
Ah, the old "I've made a commitment and I'm not a quitter, so I'm going to go down with this ship" argument... Darling, your husband has not held up his end of the bargain, so you are thus released from yours.

I feel badly for your children, because they are being raised in an unhealthy environment and this is what they are learning about relationships. Your husband is teaching your children that it is fine to be rude, disrespectful, and mean to other people - to a wife. You are teaching them that a person - a wife - shouldn't expect anything more.

But, don't fear. Your children are smart. It won't be long before they see their father for who he really is - a rude, disrespectful, and ignorant man who can't be bothered to spend time with his children. They will then begin to distance themselves from their father.

They will also see you for who you are - a woman, who stayed in a bad marriage and ALLOWED her husband to treat her badly for years because she never left.

Would you rather your children learn that they have a strong mother who has enough self respect to leave the marriage and say - you will not treat me or my children this way anymore?

Last edited by BaileyB; 30th October 2017 at 8:38 AM..
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Old 30th October 2017, 8:54 AM   #25
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Iíve done everything but walk out and file paperwork, I havenít worn my ring for months. I donít like the idea of being a quitter or making mistake here....maybe I posted here to make sure I wasnít being irrational as this behavior has just been my norm for years now.
It's definitely a bad situation. I think the feedback you've gotten here has been unanimous in that.

Do you love this man? And does he love you? And what would you like to see happen? He scoffed at you for going to counseling so I'm not sure that he'd consider marriage counseling....would he and is that what you want?
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Old 30th October 2017, 8:54 AM   #26
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The idea of posting is to feel out options, opinions. Let's not force someone to feel bad about making a difficult decision for themselves. She is looking for a sounding board, not judgement. One can not make a decision to divorce based on a few days of posting on a relationship site.

She knows what she has and does not have. She is feeling torn and needs support. There doesn't need to be a timeline to decide, it's up to her. So if people go off here for a bit to think, I see how posters attack and say, they Ghosted and forget them. Or, divorce already, what's the problem. These are life-changing, difficult decisions. Give her a break!

She gets it, she knows her husband. We can give opinions, but let's try to see her perspective and not make her feel worse than she already does. If I have done that OP, please forgive me. This is YOUR decision. Hoping you take care of you!
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Old 30th October 2017, 9:11 AM   #27
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The idea of posting is to feel out options, opinions. Let's not force someone to feel bad about making a difficult decision for themselves. She is looking for a sounding board, not judgement. One can not make a decision to divorce based on a few days of posting on a relationship site.

She knows what she has and does not have. She is feeling torn and needs support. There doesn't need to be a timeline to decide, it's up to her. So if people go off here for a bit to think, I see how posters attack and say, they Ghosted and forget them. Or, divorce already, what's the problem. These are life-changing, difficult decisions. Give her a break!

She gets it, she knows her husband. We can give opinions, but let's try to see her perspective and not make her feel worse than she already does. If I have done that OP, please forgive me. This is YOUR decision. Hoping you take care of you!
You are correct. If my post was judgmental or upsetting, my apologies to you OP. Obviously, you are not going to make a major life decision in just a few days after reading the opinions of some strangers on the Internet.

It's hard to read a story like yours, where it is so clear that you have hitched your wagon to a man who has treated you with such little respect or affection. There is a feeling of complacency in your posts. You have set healthy boundaries related to intimacy, but that is all. I hope you understand, you are not wrong to think that you should deserve more from your husband and your marriage.

Best wishes.
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Old 30th October 2017, 10:39 AM   #28
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Forget the hairs. He's horrible. Uoiu could move on to a man who treats you well.

Your children have a man old enough to be their grandfather....and he doesn't show you live or appreciation.

you'll be left being a carer when he gets older avd you will become resentful and bitter. Caring for an old man ... who never treated you like you deserved is awful.

Leave before it gets to that stage and people think you're just leaving because he's old and needs looking after.
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Old 30th October 2017, 10:45 AM   #29
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I see you aren't going anywhere. In that case why concern yourself with hairs.

Your sons will grow up thinking your marriage is normal. These things present in their own adult relationships.

Rather than stay for the kids ... leave for the kids.
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Old 30th October 2017, 10:59 AM   #30
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I feel like i need to defend/explain myself a bit. The beginning of our relationship it was very subtle....oh you dont need to go to the gym or to hang out with friends just stay home with me..i didnt see it for what it was. I do now...I stopped allowing him to dictate what i do by guilt tripping me. I go out with friends and have started to take back my social life...and ive tried to include him. This weekend i went to a halloween party a coworker invited me to and i asked him to go, even said it would be nice if he went....he ignored by invite, never brought it up. So after my kids were in bed i went. I got home to him telling me that my 3 year old cried for 20 minutes cuz he wanted me. That breaks my heart and i wont lie it crosses my mind how they would do on nights that they were with dad instead of me. The come to me for everything....unless they think they can get what they want from him because i said no...they know im the one who goes to school events and can always be found in the crowd. I go out of my way to make sure they know to be kind and how to treat people...these things that were brought up are all things that have crossed my awareness in the last few months. When husband snatched a baseball bat out of my hand i was buying for oldest while in check out and told me id do what i wanted regardless of what he said and my oldest told me he was mean to me and shouldnt have done that it was a slap in the face. I hadnt realized how much he was paying attention until that point. I told him once i wasnt his maid and was he going to expect his wife to do those things for him and he told me "well dad does". Then he back petalled because he realized hed said something bad about his dad.


Im not a doormat, refuse to be. I speak up and i get dirty looks when i do. Things are always easier to see when youre on the outside looking in.....
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