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NO remorse for [wife's past] cheating


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Old 31st October 2017, 10:09 AM   #16
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You need to give credit where credit is due. Your wife was very open about who she was when you started dating her. Many young women would have found that very difficult, especially back then. Many young women pretend to be something they are not in order to attract and keep a man, so kudos to your wife for being authentic and honest about her sexuality at such a young age.

Now she has been faithful for 46 yrs. Given her past and her apparent love of sex and variety her faithfulness proves that she did take her marital vows seriously and that she has morals and integrity. She should have told you about the guy she slept with right away, no doubt about it, but she did tell you about very early into the marriage. That doesn't excuse what she did and doesn't take away the hurt she caused you, but it does show a desire for honesty on her part. And she has been loyal since she took her vows 46yrs ago....that's worth something isn't it? You both deserve credit for being loyal to your marriage all these years.

Have you ever spoken to your wife about this in marital counselling? Perhaps your inability to let this resentment go is partially due to your wife never truly apologizing to you. Sounds like she just gets defensive and dismisses your feelings. She needs to understand how much she hurt you, really empathize with your pain, accept responsibility and show true remorse. But I have a feeling that she is unable to do this because you have spent years beating her down and punishing her so now she is probably just hyper defensive whenever there is even a hint that you are going to bring it up. If you want empathy and remorse than you and your wife are going to have to see a really good marital counsellor. One who will assist you in expressing yourself and assist your wife in really hearing you.
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Old 31st October 2017, 10:10 AM   #17
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Dont know if this story is real...but I will say the statement below is always the kick to the balls any guy who's gal cheats... or discusses her past sex life.

"she told me they did together; a couple of things we have never done"

My personal advise (and its just mine) to the gals is if you got a special guy who loves and commits to you, make sure he gets (at least once) everything you ever gave the other guys, and maybe a little more.Its just the way some guys guys are wired... special acts = means you care/love/admire/attracted to that guy more.
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Last edited by dichotomy; 31st October 2017 at 10:13 AM..
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Old 31st October 2017, 10:27 AM   #18
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Originally Posted by Cobra_X View Post
Because you were safe. You were easy. You were willing to give her money. Could be any number of reasons like that. Most women want two men... a strong male lover, and a cuckold husband to pay her bills. That's life.

I would DNA test the kids now that the technology is cheap and easy... or maybe that's something you don't want to know.

Anyway... If I have learned one thing about women... and this applies to people in general... They will treat you as bad as you let them. If she doesn't feel remorse, then it's because you never enforced consequences. I mean... do you want her to pity you?
I don't think it's fair to say that most women want two men.
I believe that women who are monogamous want a strong male lover who is also a provider. A man can be both.
I concur that people will treat others as they are allowed to.
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Old 31st October 2017, 10:30 AM   #19
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Dont know if this story is real...but I will say the statement below is always the kick to the balls any guy who's gal cheats... or discusses her past sex life.

"she told me they did together; a couple of things we have never done"

My personal advise (and its just mine) to the gals is if you got a special guy who loves and commits to you, make sure he gets (at least once) everything you ever gave the other guys, and maybe a little more.Its just the way some guys guys are wired... special acts = means you care/love/admire/attracted to that guy more.
My husband is wired that way.
He never expected me to be a virgin.
However, he loves the fact that I have only done certain sexual things with him. I think that's more common than we think.

Last edited by BettyDraper; 31st October 2017 at 10:33 AM..
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Old 31st October 2017, 4:52 PM   #20
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You went into this marriage well aware of ALL of this.

Your choice, your bed to sleep in.

No way to fix this now. Itís like a druggy that finally came clean only to learn he has two weeks to live because of his drug use.

You should of had more self respect for yourself be fore you asked.
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Old 3rd November 2017, 11:50 AM   #21
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I agree..if revealing a secret such as this serves no purpose, do not reveal it.
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Old 3rd November 2017, 1:10 PM   #22
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Originally Posted by dichotomy View Post
My personal advise (and its just mine) to the gals is if you got a special guy who loves and commits to you, make sure he gets (at least once) everything you ever gave the other guys, and maybe a little more.Its just the way some guys guys are wired... special acts = means you care/love/admire/attracted to that guy more.
Most people come with a sexual repertoire, things they like, things they don't really like but will do sometimes, and things they will never be doing again.
With experience they add things they enjoy and take out stuff they do not enjoy.
So suggesting a woman offer to do things she hates, as she did it once with some guy years ago, is not really going to foster good relations is it? He may love it and pester her again and again over something she never ever wanted to do again.

Best not to pander to the guys whose retroactive jealousy fuels their sexual drive and who use it to blackmail women into doing stuff they don't want to do. "You did it for him, why don't you do it for me... wah wah wah"
Best if women just keep schtum really, nothing usually good comes of discussing past sexual exploits.
Live in the day... do whatever makes you happiest at the time.

People need to do the stuff they are happy doing, with people who are happy doing it too.
If it is not in your partner's repertoire and you cannot live without it then move on, there is no need to hold the "You did it with him..." over anyone's head...
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Old 3rd November 2017, 3:40 PM   #23
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Most people come with a sexual repertoire, things they like, things they don't really like but will do sometimes, and things they will never be doing again.
With experience they add things they enjoy and take out stuff they do not enjoy.
So suggesting a woman offer to do things she hates, as she did it once with some guy years ago, is not really going to foster good relations is it? He may love it and pester her again and again over something she never ever wanted to do again.

Best not to pander to the guys whose retroactive jealousy fuels their sexual drive and who use it to blackmail women into doing stuff they don't want to do. "You did it for him, why don't you do it for me... wah wah wah"
Best if women just keep schtum really, nothing usually good comes of discussing past sexual exploits.
Live in the day... do whatever makes you happiest at the time.

People need to do the stuff they are happy doing, with people who are happy doing it too.
If it is not in your partner's repertoire and you cannot live without it then move on, there is no need to hold the "You did it with him..." over anyone's head...
As a guy I literally hate housework. Canít stand it. Every time I was single I had a housekeeper.

Following your logic I should just ignore it. Same goes for dealing with her family. I generally find inlaws to be taxing (but not always). Hate dealing with her mom? According to this logic I donít have too.

If itís important to my so I should pay attention to it. Just like I expect he to take issues important to me seriously. My needs and wants are no more or less important than hers.
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Old 3rd November 2017, 9:41 PM   #24
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Originally Posted by elaine567 View Post
Most people come with a sexual repertoire, things they like, things they don't really like but will do sometimes, and things they will never be doing again.
With experience they add things they enjoy and take out stuff they do not enjoy.
So suggesting a woman offer to do things she hates, as she did it once with some guy years ago, is not really going to foster good relations is it? He may love it and pester her again and again over something she never ever wanted to do again.

Best not to pander to the guys whose retroactive jealousy fuels their sexual drive and who use it to blackmail women into doing stuff they don't want to do. "You did it for him, why don't you do it for me... wah wah wah"
Best if women just keep schtum really, nothing usually good comes of discussing past sexual exploits.
Live in the day... do whatever makes you happiest at the time.

People need to do the stuff they are happy doing, with people who are happy doing it too.
If it is not in your partner's repertoire and you cannot live without it then move on, there is no need to hold the "You did it with him..." over anyone's head...
When a woman did things with other men before see dated and
then married her husband is one thing. And there is no reason to
tell her husband Yes I did this and that. When she tells her husband
she will not do this and that.

However when a woman has become a WW and she has denied
her BH certain things in the past it is wrong for her to deny these
things that she freely gave to her OM.

This action is the WW telling her BH yes I will recover the
marriage with you though you better not expect to get what I freely
gave to the OM because you are never going to get it.

This sends the message loud and clear to her BH that her
BH will always come in 2nd to her OM.

This WW sends the message that I did these things to keep
the affair with the OM going, but I refuse to do these things with
my BH to keep the marriage going.
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Old 4th November 2017, 3:04 AM   #25
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Quote:
Originally Posted by elaine567 View Post
Most people come with a sexual repertoire, things they like, things they don't really like but will do sometimes, and things they will never be doing again.
With experience they add things they enjoy and take out stuff they do not enjoy.
So suggesting a woman offer to do things she hates, as she did it once with some guy years ago, is not really going to foster good relations is it? He may love it and pester her again and again over something she never ever wanted to do again.

Best not to pander to the guys whose retroactive jealousy fuels their sexual drive and who use it to blackmail women into doing stuff they don't want to do. "You did it for him, why don't you do it for me... wah wah wah"
Best if women just keep schtum really, nothing usually good comes of discussing past sexual exploits.
Live in the day... do whatever makes you happiest at the time.

People need to do the stuff they are happy doing, with people who are happy doing it too.
If it is not in your partner's repertoire and you cannot live without it then move on, there is no need to hold the "You did it with him..." over anyone's head...
We can both agree not to bring it up = but unfortunately sometimes it comes up.

If a good guy loves and commits, he wants to feel he is getting the best of what you have to offer him in return. Why get married if what your offering him is less than you gave others?

Isn't a marriage supposed to be "more", special, rare, giving, sacrifice than just some random partner you hooked up with?

This is x10 when a gal cheats.

Just explaining how some guys are wired. Sex is a major measuring stick for guys in committed relationships of "more/special" = love.

I completely understand if some gal tried something once with another guy ...and hated it, or found it painful/degrading, unhealthy, or what ever. Then again there is always something "new" or creative to try as well with someone who loves you. In other words I wont every do X again - but I only did Y with you.
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Last edited by dichotomy; 4th November 2017 at 3:12 AM..
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Old 7th November 2017, 2:30 AM   #26
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No remorse for (wife past) cheating

I have discussed the many postings with my psychologist and told him that many of the opinions were interesting to read. But the answer Iím looking for just seems to elude me. How do I stop obsessing 24/7, short of a lobotomy, about my wifeís sexual past? There isnít a day that goes by that something hasnít triggered mental movies of her past sexual activities with a guy or group of men. February 14 is an especial difficult day for me. She spent that weekend exchanging bodily fluids with someone she just met? Unaware of what occurred with her earlier, I proposed to her later that day, after her lover had left her apartment. After she said yes and I gave her the ring and to celebrate we made love. If I had only known the truth?

When my wife told me about her sexual activity over that Valentine Day weekend, many, many months after it occurred, I felt degraded as a husband, lover, and friend. That lone sexual encounter brought every detail I knew about her sexual past merging into a rage of anger I never felt before. Up until that disclosure I believed I was able to accept that her sexual past had nothing to do with me. After many counseling sessions the realization came to me, it did! As much as I tried to suppress the thoughts of her and her sexual past, I couldnít. My therapist said they were always there subconsciously. The betrayal of my love and trust, that day I proposed to her has haunted me. Since she told me everything they did together in detail, the pictures are always there, clear as day. Her disclosers of what she did may have eased her conscience; but only hurt me emotionally.

When she slept with that guy, it was a kick in the gonads. The fact that I had decided to ask her to marry me on Valentines Day also has a lot to do with what I feel. On the day I proposed I was nervous. This was going to be a happy life changing event for the both of us. Valentines Day is now a memorial to her finding orgasmic pleasure with a stranger and not me. Her intimacy with that guy has stayed with me all these years. When something, anything triggers me to think about her sexual past, images real or imagined pop into my head of them enjoying each other. There is never a waking moment I donít think about her and him together. Something always triggers these thoughts and counseling has never brought closer for me.

I know Iíve rambled, but I want to find a way to be content with the years left to me. I know, I probbily should have taken some action then. I loved her and we had children when all of this blew up in my face. Even if I left her, the anger of what she did would still be with me.

I believed that time would solve and heal my obsession; it hasnít. Thinking if I did this or that then doesnít apply now. I brought all this emotional hell on myself and now I live with it. I should have asked questions and dug a little deeper with her about what happened. I learned the type of person she was when I started dating her. She told me in her youth there were no sexual taboos for her; she was quite open about her past. The details she told me of her sexual activities she participated in would have satisfied any young manís fantasies. She has been a great mother and faith full wife all these years. I should be content in my old age. But I canít let go, the past just keeps haunting me. Why didnít she just keep her secrets?
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Old 7th November 2017, 6:47 AM   #27
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Dear OP, I am not sure what to reply with. I have not been in that situation and would not know how I felt if I was.

It does sound like you wife maybe was a sex addict. With people like that, these is not emotional connection to the act of sex with random partners -- they just do it and its completely disconnected from the human heart. Maybe take solace that she did obviously make a human connection with you as she did decide to marry you and have a child with you.

take care and dont dwell
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Old 7th November 2017, 7:52 AM   #28
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I am still feeling that maybe if you pull your wife down off of her high and mighty pedestal. That YOU put her on, you can start standing up in your own right. To feel proud of yourself and your accomplishments. Screw Valentines. Make your own holiday that you and her share.
You have a 60s' lovefest wife who is now in her golden years and just too tired to care about the past. I feel she does love you, but you are not adored. Those days are long past. I would probably be safe to say that your grandkids hold you to that level. And thats okay.
Like she said...It is just a personal handshake to her. No need to give her any more power and control just for sex. Just start admitting to yourself that your wife was a "hippie whore" in the 60s and she settled down with you. Laugh and laugh out loud. You thought life was going to go one way. But it led you down a strange and eventful past. Its all good, we all get there in the end.
You may find a strange sensation of release when you focus your energy on you and less of her. She IS your wife, and 46 years is nothing to sneeze at! Congratulations. Now, be at peace.
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Old 7th November 2017, 7:58 AM   #29
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I don’t have any sympathy for you.

There’s an old saying: “You can’t turn a w***e into a housewife.”

You knew what kind of woman she was long before you married her. You still married her and now you’re mad - nearly fifty years later - because she turned out to be just what she said she was.

You’re kinda silly for an old man. With age comes wisdom, but it seems you missed that too. The answer to your problem is simple. Forgiveness.

If you love her and you’re going to stay with her, then forgive her AND YOURSELF and move with your life.

If you’re not going to stay with her (which I don’t know why you wouldn’t after all of these years), then leave her, forgive her AND YOURSELF, and move on with your life.

Either way, the only way to truly stop tormenting yourself is to forgive. Forgive her for her indiscretions. Forgive yourself for making a poor decision. If you sincerely forgive, then that’s the doorway to finding peace.
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Old 7th November 2017, 8:21 AM   #30
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I have discussed the many postings with my psychologist and told him that many of the opinions were interesting to read. But the answer I’m looking for just seems to elude me. How do I stop obsessing 24/7, short of a lobotomy, about my wife’s sexual past? There isn’t a day that goes by that something hasn’t triggered mental movies of her past sexual activities with a guy or group of men. February 14 is an especial difficult day for me. She spent that weekend exchanging bodily fluids with someone she just met? Unaware of what occurred with her earlier, I proposed to her later that day, after her lover had left her apartment. After she said yes and I gave her the ring and to celebrate we made love. If I had only known the truth?

When my wife told me about her sexual activity over that Valentine Day weekend, many, many months after it occurred, I felt degraded as a husband, lover, and friend. That lone sexual encounter brought every detail I knew about her sexual past merging into a rage of anger I never felt before. Up until that disclosure I believed I was able to accept that her sexual past had nothing to do with me. After many counseling sessions the realization came to me, it did! As much as I tried to suppress the thoughts of her and her sexual past, I couldn’t. My therapist said they were always there subconsciously. The betrayal of my love and trust, that day I proposed to her has haunted me. Since she told me everything they did together in detail, the pictures are always there, clear as day. Her disclosers of what she did may have eased her conscience; but only hurt me emotionally.

When she slept with that guy, it was a kick in the gonads. The fact that I had decided to ask her to marry me on Valentines Day also has a lot to do with what I feel. On the day I proposed I was nervous. This was going to be a happy life changing event for the both of us. Valentines Day is now a memorial to her finding orgasmic pleasure with a stranger and not me. Her intimacy with that guy has stayed with me all these years. When something, anything triggers me to think about her sexual past, images real or imagined pop into my head of them enjoying each other. There is never a waking moment I don’t think about her and him together. Something always triggers these thoughts and counseling has never brought closer for me.

I know I’ve rambled, but I want to find a way to be content with the years left to me. I know, I probbily should have taken some action then. I loved her and we had children when all of this blew up in my face. Even if I left her, the anger of what she did would still be with me.

I believed that time would solve and heal my obsession; it hasn’t. Thinking if I did this or that then doesn’t apply now. I brought all this emotional hell on myself and now I live with it. I should have asked questions and dug a little deeper with her about what happened. I learned the type of person she was when I started dating her. She told me in her youth there were no sexual taboos for her; she was quite open about her past. The details she told me of her sexual activities she participated in would have satisfied any young man’s fantasies. She has been a great mother and faith full wife all these years. I should be content in my old age. But I can’t let go, the past just keeps haunting me. Why didn’t she just keep her secrets?
rog, what does your "shrink" have to say about your position?

What does he say you should do?

Your wife did you wrong by not telling you before you
married her.

Would you of married her if she had told you the truth when
you saw her on Valentines day?

Did your WW tell you all the details at once or did she trickle
out the truth?


In favor of your WW she did tell you that she was breaking up
with you, told you about the OM asking her out on a date and
she was going out with him, at that point she hung up the phone.
Once that phone call ended she had dumped you. The relationship
was over.

So I can see her to this day believing that she not cheat on you.

Now I have to ask; you knew that your WW had a wild past and
if she went out with this OM chances are she did put out.

So the question is why did you not ask your WW that Sunday
when you got back if she went on that date, and what happened
on that date instead of just asking her to marry you?

Plus side for the both of you, she was honest and told you when
asked for details. That you had great sex and she was faithful
for the entire marriage.

You are 72, married 46 years, to old to start a new family,
throw the holidays and every other special event away of
your kids and grand kids.


I would be mad if I was you. Mad at my WW for lying to me.
She hid the truth, that is lying by omission, before she married
you. Though you need to be madder at yourself because 45
years ago once you had the truth you needed to decide to
leave her and start fresh with someone new or stay and let
the past go.

You did not go and did not let the past go. It is normal to have
the past comeback and trigger you. But at 46 years later
the triggers should be few, far in between, and be over in
seconds.

What is it that you need from your WW for you to let go of the
past?

rog, I hope you can answer all the points in this post.
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