Married but completely infatuated with coworker

[cnote123]

So, that pretty much says it all. I'm married to a WONDERFUL man. The man of my dreams, and probably many a woman's dreams. I'm so incredibly grateful to be married to him. We have a young child together. Just recently my work moved two departments - that were in separate buildings - into one building. I started seeing this coworker around more, whom I had seen at retreats and such but he never struck me as special. But for some reason, I am now completely obsessed and I can't stop thinking about him. He is also married with kids. I don't think these feelings are mutual; he does not seem into me. I think about him constantly and it's literally affecting my eating/sleeping. I googled him and came across his phone number and ACTUALLY thought maybe I should text him. I would never EVER do this, but just the fact that I even thought it tells me I'm clearly insane right now. I don't know what to do. I'm thinking of leaving my job. I'm literally in physical pain the obsession is so consuming. My husband doesn't have a clue and I don't know if the coworker does, I hope he doesn't. Can anyone suggest ways to get through this?? Are there meds I can take??

[GoldenR]

You are actively choosing to be in a one sided EA.

 

Quit your job immediately. Get counseling.

[S2B]

Quit the job! Tell your husband why - tell him the truth.

 

See a counselor to find out why you've changed enough to consider this man as an interest.

 

Seriously delve deep into why you would consider this man at all.

 

Reconnect with your husband. Do everything you can to set things right.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

So, that pretty much says it all. I'm married to a WONDERFUL man. The man of my dreams, and probably many a woman's dreams. I'm so incredibly grateful to be married to him. We have a young child together. Just recently my work moved two departments - that were in separate buildings - into one building. I started seeing this coworker around more, whom I had seen at retreats and such but he never struck me as special. But for some reason, I am now completely obsessed and I can't stop thinking about him. He is also married with kids. I don't think these feelings are mutual; he does not seem into me. I think about him constantly and it's literally affecting my eating/sleeping. I googled him and came across his phone number and ACTUALLY thought maybe I should text him. I would never EVER do this, but just the fact that I even thought it tells me I'm clearly insane right now. I don't know what to do. I'm thinking of leaving my job. I'm literally in physical pain the obsession is so consuming. My husband doesn't have a clue and I don't know if the coworker does, I hope he doesn't. Can anyone suggest ways to get through this?? Are there meds I can take??

 

I'm very curious about the physical pain. Can you describe it?

[Steve51]

It never ends well. Do you think you will be able to have an affair forever. Sooner or later one of you will confess or be caught. If you try to break it off you will be blackmailed into staying with the girl. Girls tend to tell others to mark their territory so to speak. Your co-workers will see it in your eyes and actions. They will know and all that is left is for your wife to know.

 

I do not know if you are management but if someone working under you finds out, you have a problem. I found out that the long married owner of our company was having an affair with one of our married corporate offices. It ended in a few months and he had to quit since he still loved her but had a wife recovering from cancer to care for. I am the CIO and have access to all email. They were stupid enough to use company email to vividly describe what they wanted to do to each other or did the night before. I emailed the owner to tell her that she might wanted to delete some of her emails. She got the message and now I have a job for life and got a bonus that was more than half of my salary. I now work 3 days a week for a full week's pay and work from home. Knowledge is power and when you have an office romance you hold yourself open to all sorts of things.

 

True story. I once had a secretary that that tried her best to seduce me. She would press her breasts against my back when she leaned over to read something with me after work. She always stayed when I worked late. She also unbuttoned her blouse enough for me to see she was not wearing a bra. She touched my thigh when she sat next to me and said something. I ended up leaving that job. When I checked back with my co-workers I learned that she successfully seduced my replacement, another married guy. When he broke it off she filed sexual harassment charges against him. His wife found out of course and he lost the case. Try to get a job when you are convicted for sexual harassment in the workplace.

 

It never ends well since you are not going to be with her the rest of your life. It will end and there will be bitterness and revenge no matter how sweet she is at first. Some girls will call up your wife so that they will divorce you and get you all to themselves. They will get "accidentally" pregnant. I have seen it all and the divorces that go along with it and the problems at work when upper management finds out and they will. She will make sure they know.

[anika99]

You should look into counselling because there is something off kilter here. Even single people don't become painfully obsessed with someone they don't even know. At least not if they are normal and emotionally healthy. You have gone way beyond a normal crush and you don't even know this object of your obsession. There is something really wrong here and it's not about the guy you're obsessed with. See a counsellor

[IndigoNight]

Before you quit your job, and confess to your husband, I would suggest seeing a therapist. Even a good friend could potentially offer you the insight you seem to need. There could be any number of reasons why you are fixating on the guy at work, and very few are worth imploding your life over.

 

It is easy to fixate on someone, especially when some part of your life is unhappy, and that you are avoiding facing. Your perfect husband that every woman would want, may not be making you as blissfully happy as you claim he is. Having a younger child is stressful, and tiring. Maybe the guy at work is making you feel like a "woman" again (even if he is ignoring you, just being attracted to him could set it off), and not just a mother and a wife. It's not unusual for newer moms (or dads for that matter) to seek out validation that they are still seductive, and sensual beings. If your husband isn't looking at you like you're his enchantress, and always treats you like his wife and mother to his child...well yeah, the guy at work may seem tempting. You and your husband should still be seducing and enticing one another!

 

So, before you set your life crashing down by being honest about a situation you haven't quite figured out, you might consider some therapy to help you find perspective.

[Just a Guy]

Hi cnote , you've told us you are fixating on this guy but you haven't told us the reason why. What is it about him that attracts you so strongly? Do you interact with him daily? Does he flirt with you? Has he been paying compliments to you?What exactly is it about him that has you salivating at the mouth? The answer may lie in your reason for being captivated by him.Warm wishes.

[d0nnivain]

Try to think of him as a celebrity crush -- something that is not real while you actively search for another job. Wear a rubber band around your wrist & snap it hard when you begin to think about him. Upon feeling that little pain immediately become mindful of the excruciating pain the loss of your marriage & child would be. Immediately send out another resume to a new company then bury your head back in your work until the feeling passes.

 

Try to remember that you are an adult with self control. Meanwhile do everything you can to avoid the other guy & put all your efforts into getting a new job.

[hammyy2k]

divorce your husband and then seek therapy before it consumes you and families along with yourself maybe a psychologist/psychiatrist

 

marriage is not for you

[Betrayed&Stayed]

Can anyone suggest ways to get through this??

 

My suggestion is to grow up. You're acting like a teenager with a crush on a senior.

[MidlifeMama]

There's nothing wrong with you. You are human. Marriage doesn't mean you'll never again find someone attractive or alluring, but it means you need to have boundaries.

 

Sometimes a person whom we find attractive gets deep into our psyche and are hard to not think about. I think the suggestion to snap your wrist is a good one. Takes you out of the moment and back into reality.

 

I don't think you have to quit your job. I think you have to practice self-control and know you are normal.

 

Sometimes being a Mom and Wife makes us think it's our entire identity and we fantasize about someone else. This guy triggered something in you.

 

Use those newly excited hormones on your husband. I can tell you first hand an affair won't be a good idea!

 

If you truly feel so great about your husband, suggest you and he spice up your relationship. I don't think telling him about this guy is in any way productive. We are allowed to have attractions and fantasies as long as they don't go beyond that.

 

On the other hand, if you feel you can not stay away from this guy, perhaps another job is in order. You could also find rejection and cause work issues. It could happen anywhere though, so self-control and working on your marriage is the best remedy.

 

P.S. The guy may end up being a total jerk, even if he makes your heart flutter. Look at him as off-limits and consider yourself as such too. Look at your husband with fresh eyes.

[Just a Guy]

Hi cnote, I think Midlifemama has hit the nail on the head. I had asked you a few questions but you chose not to reply. That is your choice of course but it would have helped pin point where you problem had it's genesis. One thing is certain. If you are serious about containing the fall out from this then confide in your husband and tell him that although nothing has happened you are besotted with this coworker. I think that step in itself will dampen your ardour for this guy and your husband will probably up his game and start wooing you like mad to keep from spreading your charms all over the place. May be this is the result of your marriage having settled into a comfortable rut and your inner spirit is rebelling and telling you to add some spice in your life. If that be the case then your husband is the guy who needs to take up the slack and start afresh as if he were wooing you from scratch. The alternative is just too painful to even think about.

 

Raise the stakes in the bedroom and outside it. I should hardly say this but be unabashedly bold in showing your husband TLC. He too, should reciprocate heartily. Go on date nights, buy yourself some really sexy lingerie, lose some weight, look attractive for your husband in the home, don't go around in sloppy clothes and unkempt hair and whatever. Try some of this and see what happens. Warm wishes.

[mmb4love]

If you want your marriage to continue and keep your family together, stop the thoughts, or change your job. Really, focus on your work instead. It beats looking for other employment, and you just might have the same problem there. Take care of the problem while you still have time. It's human to have these thoughts, but you can decide to be stronger than the thoughts.

[somanymistakes]

If it's completely one-sided, I don't see how quitting the job will help... she will likely just find someone else to obsess over. There isn't a relationship here to start with, there isn't a particular relationship to avoid.

 

OP: Counseling, meditation, practice being in touch with your thoughts and emotions and not letting them rule you.

 

If you enjoy the excitement of having a crush, you need to learn to direct that emotion away from real life people where it can turn disastrous, and back towards proper safe avenues. The old teenage standbys of movie stars and pop singers will work. There are video games where you can have fantasy romances with unreal characters. There are romance novels. These are all safe outlets for heart-fluttery feelings that will not destroy people's lives.

[coolheadal]

Nope you have to put an end to this otherwise you're going to loose everything that's dear to you. Your not happy with you husband, if you were you wouldn't doing this sort of emotional cheating..

[BettyDraper]

I think seeing a therapist would be helpful. This level of obsession is unhealthy.

Maybe you are bored with your "perfect" husband but that doesn't make your obsession any less inappropriate. It seems like your fixation is way beyond a simple crush. Try directing some of that sexual energy towards your husband.

[Cephalopod]

See a therapist or psychologist. You may have a delusional disorder.