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Hi,

 

Needing some advice from forum members. Its been a bad year and I am not sure how to proceed. Earlier this year, I found out that the love of my wife, my beautiful wife, was suffering from invasive breast cancer. We've been through biopsies, two surgeries, chemo and radiation. We finished her active treatments and are waiting for follow up to see if the cancer is returning or staying away. We have a teenager together and the fear that my wife may not make it is causing us all terrible pain. Personally, I can't fathom the thought of not having her. She is my life and we've had a wonderful life together up to this point. Quite frankly, I am not ready, nor do I think that I am able, to withstand the pain of losing her.

 

However, things seem to have gone from bad to worse for me. During my wife's struggle with post-op pain and pain medication, she went through a bit of an existential crisis and admitted that she's been hiding something from me. Turns out she admitted to an affair on me prior to our marriage, while we were dating and preparing to get married.

 

I always suspected that something happened, but she denied it. Recently, she came clean during a medicated period and admitted that she fooled around with this guy. When I asked why, she stated that it was uncertainty about us and the fact that he came on to her. She reluctantly admitted that he was very attractive and had an "animal magnetism" that really turned her on.

 

Quite frankly, I could come to terms with this, but when she described being with him - because I prompted her for some details -- she admitted that he was sexually aggressive, a great kisser, and made her feel desired because "he was really, really into me." However, because things heated up so quickly, she felt guilty and she ended it. Basically, I got the feeling that she felt guilty because of quickly things got hot. However, in the days the followed her admission, I struggled, and I questioned. I wish I hadn't.

 

My wife admitted that she found this guy more attractive than I was "at the time." Also, she admitted that he kissed her with more passion than I ever did. She also noted, reluctantly, that she never felt the same passion with me as she had with him. All of these admissions came while she was on medication and I now realize that she regrets saying what was said.

 

At this point, I am really struggling. She said that she loves me and that our relationship, including our sexual relationship, is amazing. However, I can't get out of my head that she had more sexual chemistry with this guy than she has EVER had with me. At this time, I am facing the loss of my wife and dealing with the revelation that, not only did she have an affair, but that it was with a man who is my superior in the sexual arena.

 

I still have a ton of questions about this affair, but her condition is fragile. When I push for more, I overwhelm her. However, not having details is killing me.

 

My wife continues to assert that she chose me because she loved and adored me. However, I feel very inadequate right now. All at a time that I am also facing the loss of this woman.

 

The questions I can't put to her at the moment: Why did she come back if things seemed so much better with him? Why would she want to be with me back then if she had more passion and better sexual chemistry with this other guy? How can we move forward if she survives her battle with cancer but I then feel like I am the lesser man, sexually, in her eyes? She still enjoys sex and affection, but I have now developed ED because of what is in my head. I am almost afraid to try during sex because I feel like I can't compete with this guy, even though it was more than 15 years ago.

 

Can anyone offer any advice on how to handle this. I am lost and feel completely overwhelmed!

 

Thx.

Edited by Ed15
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You are normal to want to now what happened.

The only way to find out is to ask questions. Though

when asking questions first ask yourself do you

really want to know for once you hear an answer

you can never un-hear it.

 

Your WW's health makes talking about the past

hard at this time. Maybe she would find it easier

to talk about the past by email to avoid your

physical responses to her answers.

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A decade & a half ago your beloved wife made a mistake before you were married. Still she chose you & has been a faithful wife to you after all these years.

 

But for the illness & her confession this was all behind you. But for the meds she never would have shared the details with you the way you heard them . . . oversharing.

 

She put a lot of important qualifiers on this confession, namely that then he was superior in certain areas but over time you have proven to be the best option.

 

Yes, you can be hurt but put your eye back on the ball -- your wife faced a life threatening illness. She has chosen t make a life with you. Find a way to forgive AND forget.

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1 The questions I can't put to her at the moment: Why did she come back if things seemed so much better with him?

2 Why would she want to be with me back then if she had more passion and better sexual chemistry with this other guy?

3 How can we move forward if she survives her battle with cancer but I then feel like I am the lesser man, sexually, in her eyes?

 

She still enjoys sex and affection, but I have now developed ED because of what is in my head. I am almost afraid to try during sex because I feel like I can't compete with this guy, even though it was more than 15 years ago.

Can anyone offer any advice on how to handle this. I am lost and feel completely overwhelmed!

 

Thx.

 

1. It's very likely she felt the other guy was not long term relationship material... or he was just there for the sex.

 

2. You probably offered a better lifestyle or at least a safer bet. You are less likely to cheat or leave her.

 

3. I don't know. I would say that since she clearly broke the relationship... the impetus should be on her to fix it. However, at the moment she should be focused on fighting the cancer.

 

The survival rate for breast cancer is pretty good, unless you caught it late. I personally don't think you can walk out on her while she is struggling with this... perhaps that's why she waited until this moment to tell you the truth.

 

I think most people are going to try to tell you that despite the fact that she cheated on you with a better looking guy with a bigger penis... or whatever the issue... that you should just be thankful she came back to you. My opinion is f*ck that noise. I would wait until the cancer is in remission and serve her with the most lopsided divorce papers in history and tell her that if she wants to have a chance at fixing the marriage and moving forward then she needs to sign it and trust you not to walk. That will show you how she really feels about you. If she really loves you then she would be willing to take big risks to keep you.

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A decade & a half ago your beloved wife made a mistake before you were married. Still she chose you & has been a faithful wife to you after all these years.

 

Oops I cheated. Like tripping over something on the floor. You typically provide the best advice I see on this site... but I'm going to disagree with you here. It was no accident.

 

It wasn't an accident or a mistake. There is no proof the last 15 years she has been faithful. She admitted to 1 after a decade and a half. Maybe in another 5 years she admits to another.

 

Forgive and Forget is not acceptable. He deserves justice in some form.

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I didn't say it was an accident. I said it was mistake. Unlike accidents mistakes can be deliberate. This one was.

 

Yes, the OP can punish his wife but that won't solve anything. Perhaps MC can help them get past it. I don't think throwing away a 15 year good marriage should be the 1st option. Trust will of course have to re-earned

 

OP, although you feel you come out on the short end of her comparison, there is another way to look at it. She picked you because on many levels you are the better man. Passion is not love. If you step up your romance / bedroom game you can probably surpass this guy because he was driven by urges; you will be connecting with her via love, which is ALWAYS better.

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Sex is just one part of the equation when it comes to a partner for life.

 

You wonder why she choose you even though the sex was better with the other man.

 

Maybe she gets a long with you better. Maybe she admires you more. Maybe you make her laugh. Maybe you are smarter. Maybe you are more handsome. Maybe you are a better person deep down. Maybe she likes the way you make her feel more. Maybe she loves you...

 

The possible reasons are endless.

 

To me this would be like a guy saying that an old girlfriend sucked dick better.. and then a wife wondering why he didn't just marry the old GF - like a good dick suck is the absolute most important thing in a relationship.

 

You say that you can't perform now with this knowledge - yet nothing has changed in all those years, but your knowledge.

 

It's a shame she over shared - but I can't imagine battling this illness - and have a husband who is coming off the rails about something that occurred a decade and a half ago.

 

Can you seek some counseling? You are going through a lot right now, and perhaps a professional could help you process it in a more healthy way.

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if i was confronted with this situation, i would divorce you wife without thinking twice and even before waiting for her recovery.

 

she just used you and nothing more or less

Edited by hammyy2k
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Very few are married to the "best sex person" in thier life.

 

Yes it's true she picked you... however I know you ask why? WHY is huge. Could be the other guy only wanted sex and you were a default, could be just something to get out of her system, fear of getting married. Who knows.

 

All questions that you will never really know. People change how they feel/felt about events that happened so long go. The reason she gave herself then could be something totally different today.

 

Sadly, there is no quick fix, it will be a long time before you feel better about this. Ignore those people using the "it was a long time ago" excuse. It's all new to you, your pain and agony is new, your questions and doubts are new, your damaged self esteem and ego is new.

 

Best route in my opinion, give it a rest, just be by her stand and comfort her through the illness. There will be a better time to tackle this down the road.

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if i was confronted with this situation, i would divorce you wife without thinking twice and even before waiting for her recovery.

 

she just used you and nothing more or less

 

I am curious as to why you say this.

 

So she used him for 15 years. The fifteen years that's she has been his wife, do not count, because she cheated while they were dating.... So the subsequent 15 years were "using" him? Every dinner cooked, every day of support, 15 years of shared love.

 

All reduced to "she used him"? Please explain this logic to me.

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if i was confronted with this situation, i would divorce you wife without thinking twice and even before waiting for her recovery.

 

she just used you and nothing more or less

 

 

For 15 years? Hardly.

 

If the wife has been faithful since the marriage there was no using.

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I am curious as to why you say this.

 

So she used him for 15 years. The fifteen years that's she has been his wife, do not count, because she cheated while they were dating.... So the subsequent 15 years were "using" him? Every dinner cooked, every day of support, 15 years of shared love.

 

All reduced to "she used him"? Please explain this logic to me.

 

i think its because she shared more passionate love with another guy but she couldnt marry him because maybe he was not a good provider or his financial situation was not stable etc so she chose her current husband which i think she should have come clean when she was about to marry him but then again, he would have known the reality and dumped her so maybe because she was afraid he would not marry her, she kept it hidden not only before marrying but her whole life until she thinks she is going to check out soon.

 

so this is why i think she used him by not coming clean to him.

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For 15 years? Hardly.

 

If the wife has been faithful since the marriage there was no using.

 

so you think that a spouse can only use another by not remaining faithful?

 

if you think so i can give you a long list of people who are using their spouse without cheating.

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While I can imagine someone facing death might confess to an affair, I am having a hard time believing this story - she would say he was better, more passionate. Thats too much pain to inflict on a loving spouse - when you face possible death and they are supporting you in your battle.

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so you think that a spouse can only use another by not remaining faithful?

 

if you think so i can give you a long list of people who are using their spouse without cheating.

 

No. I am saying that's an awfully long time to maintain a con. I don't think most people could do it.

 

I think 15 years ago this woman had a fling at a time when she was unsure about her relationship. There was passion involved which clouded her judgment but eventually she came to her senses & married her husband.

 

As long as she was faithful DURING the marriage I encourage the OP to work to put his marriage back on track.

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i think its because she shared more passionate love with another guy but she couldnt marry him because maybe he was not a good provider or his financial situation was not stable etc so she chose her current husband

 

More passionate SEX does not mean more passionate LOVE.

 

Sometimes you can have animalistic chemistry with someone. You might not even LIKE that person, but pheromones, body language, other things come into play to make for hot sex.

 

I used to have a FWB that I had great sex with. Could hardly stand him out of the bedroom. I didn't want him as a BF let alone a husband.

 

And the provider thing... Never on my personal radar (I make double what my husband does). I guess some women are, but far from all are gold diggers.

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Thanks, everyone, for the feedback. To clarify, I know my wife has been faithful during the marriage - no question there. We have had a great marriage and I always thought sex was AWESOME between us. However, her battle with cancer has fuelled a lot of anxiety for her and she noted that she thought she would die holding this secret. However, it only came out while she was heavily medicated - so she ended up sharing too much. Way too much. But that doesn't take away what was said. I know that she didn't want to hurt me - even though I made her comments appear very cruel.

 

However, the timing of this is crap! She cleared her conscience, but opened up too much for me to deal with. Even though I know she loves me, I am having difficulty knowing that she had better (or much better) than me. I just can't unhear these things.

 

Am I the only guy who would have problems feeling that she settled somehow, sexually, given that at my best, I didn't satisfy her as much as this other guy?

 

The key thing is that I am no vanilla prude. We have a lot of fun playing with toys, and just before her diagnosis, she loved it when I spontaneously brought her to a strip club after we had been out drinking a bit with friends. She really liked watching the shows and the dancers interacting with the men and women in attendance. It was quite fun and not at all "dirty." She really enjoyed my spontaneity and confidence in suggesting the outing. Later, I had the best sex I ever had with her that night. I thought that she did, too. I have always tried to spice things up and she has been very responsive. But, found out that, no matter how great things have been - I just can't compete with that one guy and it is messing me up.

 

I am having a really hard time with that. I can forgive the affair, I just wish I didn't hear the part about him being better. However, as noted above, she was heavily medicated when I posed these questions and I know she regrets what she said.

 

I won't leave her - can't do that. However, I just feel like things aren't the same, and won't ever be. Am I being too sensitive?

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I think you are being too sensitive - but I am a lot more rational and less emotional than many.

 

Again, nothing had changed, but your knowledge. You feel like things can never be the same again - same as they were when all of the facts ( she had hot sex with someone else 15 years ago) are exactly the same.

 

She is the same person with the same experiences, and you are the same person - only now you knew something you didn't know before.

 

Now, I don't know all of the details, but I can say I have been in a similar situation as your wife.

 

My husband is the BEST lover I have ever had. He knows exactly where my buttons are, he is very skilled.... And we have had some very adventurous / fun / pleasurable experiences.

 

And it's terrible to admit that I have had sex that checked a different box - it wasn't that he was more skilled or anything, but he brought desire.... An animalistic lust that I hadn't shared with my husband.

 

Until I came clean about it. And together we were able to have that hot, passionate, dirty, lust driven kind of sex.

 

It took communication, it took being vulnerable. It took understanding and a mutual want to share that sort of experience.

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I know she loves me, I am having difficulty knowing that she had better (or much better) than me. I just can't unhear these things.

 

Am I the only guy who would have problems feeling that she settled somehow, sexually, given that at my best, I didn't satisfy her as much as this other guy?

 

Am I being too sensitive?

 

No you cant

 

No you aren't my wife told me something similar.

 

No your not - but its does not mean your not good sexually just not "the best". Is she your best sexual experience? If you had enough women before her - the answer would probably be no. Its just statistics. If she F'ed enough guys she would find one better than both of you - sexually speaking only.

Edited by dichotomy
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Mrs. John Adams

You cannot unhear what she said...and you may forever wonder about what happened...and She cannot undo what she did before you were married and she may forever wish she could

 

so the thing to think about here...is this.... if you have been happily married 15 years...if you cannot imagine life without her...do you live each moment that you have left together to the fullest or do you dwell on something that cannot be changed and allow it to take away moments that you can never get back.

 

I can tell you this....the older I get...the less tolerant i am of allowing infidelity to steal one more moment of happiness from the time we have left.

 

We all have insecurities....and I understand her confession has caused you to have doubts and fears about who you are and what your marriage means....and i understand she told you because she felt it was the right thing to do....but let me ask you this...

 

What is the most important thing in your life? and what would you give up in order to keep it?

 

I don't know about you but i know this about me....it would not matter what my husband did before i married him....what matters to me is that we live out the rest of our lives together and cherish every moment we have left

 

You have so much on your plate right now....and i truly believe that healing can be effected by attitude. I hope that your wife beats this....and I hope that the two of you become even closer and cherish each other even more.

 

Maybe down the road....as she gets better...you might talk about this...because you need to do that. But not today....today just concentrate on her getting better. Cling to each other and heal each other.

 

I will keep your wife in my prayers...and you too as you struggle with all of this.

 

Best of luck to you.

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i would advice OP to cut her lose, let her get some passionate sex before her end and you get a woman who you deserve

 

if you think she deserves you and you only want to have her then, as the above poster says, forgive and forget, but, your wife may miss passionate sex and when gets old regrets marrying you.

 

make some decision which you or your wife dont regret in the future

Edited by hammyy2k
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healing light

I don't think you can rely on everything she's said as the exact truth when she's heavily medicated. People hallucinate, exaggerate, etc.

 

Your wife is potentially dying. Do you want the last moments spent with her in an otherwise happy marriage to be painted with interrogations if she does pass away? No, I think you'd rather cherish this time with her.

 

I would wait until her recovery to talk to her about the specifics. Then decide what you would like to do with the information.

 

In terms of what was actually shared, I know this must have been really painful for you. But I don't think that every time a woman has a sexual experience with a person she's into that she's mentally comparing with all who have come before. Especially not if she has loved you for 15 years since. I'm sure 15 years of memories trumps a short-lived XYZ sexcapade every time.

 

It sucks that it happened at all...but you don't even know what has happened to this guy since--your comparisons are to a ghost because people change in a decade and a half. He could be way worse than you now in bed. He might be a hundred pounds heavier, six feet under, you never know. Just another way to look at it since you aren't able to get this scenario out of your head.

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I know if I were in your position, I would tell the wife that you also want to experience mind blasting sex as well. SO, after she is better, you are going to go out to a whore house with $5,000 dollars and come back home totally broke but filled with experience. Then you will both be back on the same page... as equals.

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Her having sex with another man BEFORE they married does not allow him to cheat on his wife now. They wouldn't be on equal footing if he had sex with a hooker now. He'd be an adulterer, which is way worse, IMO.

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Your wife is likely dying of cancer, and making her peace with the world. Her situation does not sound positive.

 

The 'confession' came out under heavy medication, which is more than likely distorted the actual truth of how she felt those many years ago. But ultimately you were not married at the time this happened, and if she did had decided at the time to pursue this other man over you, then she would have.

 

It is possible you are focusing on this, rather than the real issue at hand, the prospect of losing your beloved wife and your child losing her mother.

 

So perhaps, under the circumstances, you could rise above this, and not harass her in her last days. She has given you faithfully the last 15 years of her life and a child to treasure forever.

 

For yourself as much as her, as I think you may live to regret letting your ego control and destroy these last precious moments.

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