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Marriage & Life Partnerships Debunking the old-ball-and-chain stereotype one couple at a time.

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Old 6th October 2017, 5:35 AM   #1
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New information and problems growing, past issues.

Hi all first post so please bear with me. Married 12 years to a wonderful woman. We have had our ups and downs like any other couple. Last year this time of year she was talking to someone else and it nearly destroyed me. I think about it every day and lately I can't sleep. We've turned things around since then but it still kills me inside knowing that I may not have gotten the whole extent of the situation back then. On top of it I just found out last night that her father growing up was very controlling and put her dreams down often.
These are the questions I'm seeking advice on.
Should I bring up a year ago and try to get the whole truth for some price of mind and make sure it doesn't happen again?
Is it possible to get her interested in the dreams that were shot down long ago?
A wife that had a controlling father, would she be more inclined to open up to an authoritive dominant husband, or a husband that finds ways to put her in control of of our marriage, family, life and intimacy?

Thank you and look forward to discussing.
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Old 6th October 2017, 6:04 AM   #2
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It's called forgive & forget for a reason. If you turned the corner & got past it, be past it. Clearly you are not past it though.

If she stopped talking to him & you dredge it all up again what are you going to do if you find out now that it was more then talk? Are you prepared to walk away & divorce? If you are still this torn up about her talking to some guy you are never going to get peace knowing it was more.

I'm not saying it was more, I am just asking you what the real point of rehashing it all is. Don't say it's because you need to know to clear the air. It won't clear anything up if you find out now that it was more. It will only make things worse. The fact that you are still dwelling on it also indicates that maybe you lost more trust then you thought or you never had any.

Going farther back & dredging up anything her father did to her will make her life even worse. She put that behind her & doesn't need you or anybody else poking around in her psyche. When and if she wants to deal with her childhood, she will on her timetable, not yours. This is not your issue.

If she talks about a dream or desire now, encourage her in the present. Don't dredge up her past in some well meaning but misguided attempt to re-write her history. You can't fix so leave it alone.
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Old 6th October 2017, 6:20 AM   #3
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Wow, yeah donni you make many good points. So before the talking last year (which I didn't mention was detailed and explicit), she did hang out with him years prior, against my wishes. Even tho at this point now we are very open and honest, back a year ago it was a different situation. I would not divorce her if I knew more, i can say that honestly, however through history the past repeats itself, and if I can gain trust and learn more about warning signs, it may help to progress our marriage in an honest way and progress trust?

As far as her father she brought that up out of the blue, maybe a cry for help, or just opening up? Either way even after all these years I don't want to turn into her father's habits, unless she wants to rely on me in that way?
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Old 6th October 2017, 6:25 AM   #4
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Being a man when she mentioned her past, you wanted to fix it. That's what men do. You learn about a problem & you fix it.

Women don't work that way. We talk about things. Sometimes we talk about them just to talk. Talking doesn't mean we want somebody to fix the problem. It means we want to talk about it.

So don't go trying to fix her past. Like I said if she expresses a dream or desire now, in the present, be encouraging & supportive but don't rehash her past.
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Old 6th October 2017, 7:05 AM   #5
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Yeah I get that. I just dedicated my life to her and our family, not that anyone should change but I want to be the man she needs. And after hearing her say that I'm not sure if she likes the dominance or not. We change through the years and I can't remember how I was when we met haha. Or how she has changed for that matter.
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Old 6th October 2017, 11:58 AM   #6
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Quote:
Originally Posted by d0nnivain View Post
It's called forgive & forget for a reason. If you turned the corner & got past it, be past it. Clearly you are not past it though.

If she stopped talking to him & you dredge it all up again what are you going to do if you find out now that it was more then talk? Are you prepared to walk away & divorce? If you are still this torn up about her talking to some guy you are never going to get peace knowing it was more.

I'm not saying it was more, I am just asking you what the real point of rehashing it all is. Don't say it's because you need to know to clear the air. It won't clear anything up if you find out now that it was more. It will only make things worse. The fact that you are still dwelling on it also indicates that maybe you lost more trust then you thought or you never had any.

Going farther back & dredging up anything her father did to her will make her life even worse. She put that behind her & doesn't need you or anybody else poking around in her psyche. When and if she wants to deal with her childhood, she will on her timetable, not yours. This is not your issue.

If she talks about a dream or desire now, encourage her in the present. Don't dredge up her past in some well meaning but misguided attempt to re-write her history. You can't fix so leave it alone.
I would leave the past with her dad alone. It could of been used
to detour you off of the affair talk. And, it worked for your WW.

Though as D0 said why dredge up the past. Because most men
need to know the whole story about their WW's affair. Not
knowing the answers to his questions will leave the BH still
needing those answers.

Thirty years after D day the BH will still be needing those answers.
When the WW tells all and keeps no secrets she has shown that
from that point on that she has changed and can be trusted to
never lie again. The trust will never be repaired without the full
truth.

Though once the BH finds out all the truth what happens
when he hears that it was actually worse then he thought an
affair could be?

It was with a person the BH never liked and or enemy of his.
The affair was not a ONS, but 3 years and the WW had
sex with the OM 1,000 times, and the last child that was
born is the OM's.

Senoirsutton, if you heard a story this bad would you still stay married
or would you divorce your WW?
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Old 7th October 2017, 9:18 AM   #7
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Hi Sutton, you have given very little information about your wife 'talking' with another man. Could you give a bit more detailed information about that? Was it an EA and if so what was the duration? How did you find out and when was DDay? Did your wife come clean about her affair and did the two of you discuss the reasons why she had the affair. Did she attend IC afterwards and did the two of you attend MC? Also, you said that she used to hang out with him years before. Was it before you got married but were in a committed relationship or was it after you were married? Who is this guy? Is he/ was he a co worker or a childhood friend? What exactly does 'hanging out' imply? The fact is that there seems to be more to your story much like the proverbial tip of the iceberg syndrome because your fears seem much more deep seated than you are letting on. Donnivain's post addresses the tip that you have revealed. I am sure if you give us a more complete picture of things she would probably give advice of a different kind. Warm wishes.

Last edited by Just a Guy; 7th October 2017 at 9:24 AM..
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