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Open marriage stopped suddenly.dealing with loss.


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Old 5th October 2017, 4:51 PM   #1
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Open marriage stopped suddenly.dealing with loss.

Hi all,

I'm a mid 30's married woman with abbot of a unique situation that I could use some advice on.

My husband(Jeff) and I both have a tremendous sex drive that has let to many great experiences with both of us still loving each other more and more. The most recent experience has caused some issues though.

We have a kind of open marriage where things can happen as long as we are being safe, responsible, and communicate with each before and after. He has slept with multiple woman and I have had my fair share of flings. Both of us enjoy hearing of the other experience.

6 months ago he expressed interest in having another threesome with a male coworker (Ben) of his who would be leaving his company soon. Jeff set it up and we met up and Ben and I had a ton of chemistry. After drinks we had the threesome and it was great. Everybody had a great time and we agreed to do it again.

The theeesomes continued for at least a couple times a month for the next couple of months and Jeff eventually said we could carry on when he wasn't around. That set off a month of a ton of hook ups with me and Ben. Ben turned out to be even better solo.
The threesomes stopped for a while but once we had another it was clear to Jeff that I was really enjoying Ben. Different moans, louder etc. he loved it. Life continued where I would meet up with Ben a couple times a week and we would have a theeesome with him a few times a month.

Meanwhile Ben received an offer from work to stay with a promotion. Unfortunately he became Jeff's boss. It is a fairly large department so it's not like Jeff has a ton of interaction with Ben at work. However Jeff started to have issues with me sleeping with his boss and obviously enjoying it so much.

He confided that it was starting to bother him so I stopped immediately. I let Ben know and he was understanding. Things with Jeff and I are good however I find myself missing the physical excitement and pleasure of Ben and the threesomes. I also notice that if I'm turned on and in the mood and Jeff is not available I am irritated and moody knowing there is someone out there that would love to have me.

How do I get past the longing and subsequent irritation and moodiness? Any advice would be great. Thanks.
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Old 5th October 2017, 8:52 PM   #2
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Another reason open marriages are not a good idea.
You have shown your husband that your BF is a far
superior lover.

You have become addicted to having sex with Ben.
You are going through withdrawals because you had
to cut off the source of your addiction, Ben.

When a couple has sex is causes addictive brain chemistry
to happen. It makes one bond and crave sex with this
person.

You may not wind up here but you would not be the first
wife in an open marriage that had decided to dump her
husband for her alpha boyfriend.
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Old 6th October 2017, 1:59 AM   #3
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Sounds like you should find a new threesome/hookup participant and forget about Ben.

It seems like an obvious solution.

Or are you asking how you can continue hooking up with Ben? You can't, because your husband said he's not okay with it anymore.
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Old 6th October 2017, 3:26 AM   #4
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Thank you for your feedback.

So I wouldn't go as far as to say I'm addicted but I don't know. I miss how easy it was, fulfilling, and how I could enjoy myself and still have a great sex life at home. Ben was willing to do a lot of the things I enjoy that Jeff isn't. Or maybe I should say Ben is into the same things I am so it was very natural. With Jeff I have to ask and guide a lot which means it's not as organic and sometimes feels forced.

Yes he was better in bed but it is also unrealistic to say that every husband and wife are each other's best partner. Jeff has had some pretty outstanding sex that I probably won't be able to match. And being great in bed is only a small part of a relationship. I wouldn't give up all of the great aspects of my husband and our marriage due to a well hung guy who can work it. 8)


We haven't really discussed another threesome with someone else and I'm not actively looking for another partner yet. I'm letting Jeff kind of decide what happens next. Our sex life is still pretty good but I've just gotten used to having more.

For the record I completely understand that this is a stupid thing to be upset about. I feel like I am complaining about having too much money or too much cake. It is helping being able to "talk" about it though.

Last edited by Jg81; 6th October 2017 at 4:36 AM.. Reason: Spelling. I hate typing on phone.
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Old 7th October 2017, 4:30 AM   #5
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Jg81 View Post
Thank you for your feedback.

So I wouldn't go as far as to say I'm addicted but I don't know. I miss how easy it was, fulfilling, and how I could enjoy myself and still have a great sex life at home. Ben was willing to do a lot of the things I enjoy that Jeff isn't. Or maybe I should say Ben is into the same things I am so it was very natural. With Jeff I have to ask and guide a lot which means it's not as organic and sometimes feels forced.

Yes he was better in bed but it is also unrealistic to say that every husband and wife are each other's best partner. Jeff has had some pretty outstanding sex that I probably won't be able to match. And being great in bed is only a small part of a relationship. I wouldn't give up all of the great aspects of my husband and our marriage due to a well hung guy who can work it. 8)


We haven't really discussed another threesome with someone else and I'm not actively looking for another partner yet. I'm letting Jeff kind of decide what happens next. Our sex life is still pretty good but I've just gotten used to having more.

For the record I completely understand that this is a stupid thing to be upset about. I feel like I am complaining about having too much money or too much cake. It is helping being able to "talk" about it though.

No, what it really is you were happy with the level
of sex that you had with your husband until you had
much better sex with your OM.

You are now trying to put a spin on things. My husband
was competent in bed, but the OM was better because
more fulfilling, OM was a natural, has bigger equipment.

You have to work harder with your husband because you
would have to lead and teach your husband.

Notice how you say your husband is just competent in bed,
how his skill level is not there. That his equipment does not
measure up. Not very loving in your comparison of your
husband to the OM. You just give your husband back handed
complements.

But how kind of you to say you will not give up your beta
provider husband for just great sex.

What would you do tomorrow if your alpha OM says I'll
provide you with not only my bigger equipment and better
sex, but everything that your husband is providing you
plus more money because he is your husbands boss?
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Old 7th October 2017, 5:40 AM   #6
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Jg81 View Post
I find myself missing the physical excitement and pleasure of Ben and the threesomes. I also notice that if I'm turned on and in the mood and Jeff is not available I am irritated and moody knowing there is someone out there that would love to have me..
Quote:
Originally Posted by Jg81 View Post
I completely understand that this is a stupid thing to be upset about. I feel like I am complaining about having too much money or too much cake. It is helping being able to "talk" about it though.

Well, you are... you've grown accustomed to having it both ways and you feel entitled. That Ben became Jeff's boss is almost certainly a factor (no longer equal status), but the part you seem to be overlooking is that Jeff was being depreciated, phased out, replaced, as your #1 lover and primary relationship. I'm sure he could feel that happening.

As long as it was just sex and Jeff felt like your undisputed #1 champion sexually and emotionally it was okay. But when Ben achieved higher status at work, and in the bedroom... not so much.

What you're feeling now is not unlike someone trying to quit an extramarital affair. That's essentially what it was, only without the deceit and sneaking around... or was it without those components? Was Jeff aware of how often you were sleeping with Ben, and did you tell him that Ben was better in bed, or that you were developing feelings for Ben as well?

I'm not going to judge based on moral issues, but from a purely practical perspective... well, practicality is almost certainly where conventional morality and jealously originated.

Anyway, to cut to the chase... what you're feeling, and the depreciated state of your marriage, is the result of choices you made and enacted. I don't think you can switch them off and go back to feeling exactly how you did before. You're going to have to make different choices, shift focus, work on your relationship with Jeff, and relegate the past to the past if you want your marriage to great again. Some things are mutually exclusive. The opportunity cost of polyamory is monogamy, security, and exclusivity.

I think you have to reexamine what's important to you with the understanding that you really cannot have your cake and eat it too. Have you been in therapy? If not I'd recommend trying it.
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Old 7th October 2017, 6:42 AM   #7
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Jg81: You will get better advice from a swinger community who actually understands the mindset you are working in. On loveshack you are mostly going to get lectured about how you're a cheater and a terrible wife.

I mention swinging because you do NOT seem to be interested in polyamory at all, just in sex. Therefore poly advice is not going to be helpful for your situation either.

I am absolutely not part of the swinger community but I know a little bit about how it works so I can attempt to give some of the advice that they would, but I would really suggest you go there and talk to people who are into this kind of thing as they will have more detailed advice than my version.

It is strongly advised, within swinging, never to play with the same person outside your marriage more than once a month, or two times in a row. Because if you do, you risk starting to develop feelings, and that will complicate the happy fun sex times. Swingers are not poly and do not want more than one relationship, so they have to be careful and practical in order to make sure nothing stupid happens. It's easy to get accidentally emotionally attached to someone and then start feeling all confused and upset about things.

You were seeing way too much of Ben, which was risky because he was a guy your husband knew outside of sex, and indeed now that he's your husband's boss banging him would be a bad idea.

Your current confused feelings will dissipate eventually. In the meantime, it would be a good idea to plan some new excitement with your husband. If you guys are both still into the idea of outside partners, arrange some new meetups! But be more sensible about it this time and don't get overly attached.

Getting attached to people that you're not willing and able to give commitment to will just make both you and them unhappy.
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Old 7th October 2017, 2:53 PM   #8
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Thank you all for the honest feedback.

Thinking about what everyone has said I am definitely attached too much to Ben. But again just the physical part.

You're right. This probably would have been a better post for a swingers forum. I think I will make an extra effort with my husband and try to reach that level with him.
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Old 7th October 2017, 8:39 PM   #9
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As an outsider to alternative arrangements - this is what I struggle to understand. You open up a marriage and sooner or later you will find someone better - at sex - or bonding/chemistry - or emotions. There is always someone who will hit your buttons better than your spouse. Its just statistics.

I dont know how open marriages, swingers, handle this. Your going to find yourself #2 in the line up , then possibly #X after so many other lovers.
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Last edited by dichotomy; 7th October 2017 at 8:44 PM..
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Old 8th October 2017, 7:00 AM   #10
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As an outsider to alternative arrangements - this is what I struggle to understand. You open up a marriage and sooner or later you will find someone better - at sex - or bonding/chemistry - or emotions. There is always someone who will hit your buttons better than your spouse. Its just statistics.

I dont know how open marriages, swingers, handle this. Your going to find yourself #2 in the line up , then possibly #X after so many other lovers.
I have seen countless wives become WW's once
there marriage was opened. For it is not the values
that she was raised with and of the society that she
lives in.

The woman wants to be valued and mate guarded.
When her husband, lets another man have his wife
he just greatly devalued himself in his wife's
eyes and of society.

This devaluing starts to eat away at the wife. Combined
with the rush of new relationship sex she is set up to
be seduced away by the OM. Whether he is single or
married for if this wife. If single he has a woman willing
to put out for him. He will grow accustomed to it and
not want to give it up.

If he has a GF or a wife but this HotWife/HW is better
then he will make the move to trade up.

So the HW feels devalued. Then the HW realizes the
the husband is allowing her to risk getting STD's, another
nail in the coffin. Then she realizes that her husband is
allowing her to have sex and that there is no 100%
full proof birth control, and he is willing to risk her
OM knocking her up, another nail in the coffin.

Then when the HW starts to play separate, another
nail. Jg81, was having more sex 1 on 1 with her OM
during those weeks than many married people do.
Talk about chemically bonding. Now using a nail gun
on the coffin.

Then throw in the finishing nails in when the OM has
bigger equipment, F's her like she has never been F'ed
before, Then OM is her husbands boss heaps on more
devaluing of her husband in the HW's mind for why can't
husband get promoted, what a loser. OM makes a lot
more money then my husband and take better care
of me and my kids, oh husband is such a loser.
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Old 8th October 2017, 12:44 PM   #11
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marriage here is strictly an insurance policy, old women or old men not getting lonely in their 50s or 60s, or ending up in old age homes

Last edited by hammyy2k; 8th October 2017 at 12:54 PM..
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Old 8th October 2017, 1:11 PM   #12
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The answer to your problem is simple. Get another man to replace Ben and continue having 3somes with your husband.
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Old 8th October 2017, 2:45 PM   #13
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Reading your post and especially some of the responses, it sounds to me that it's almost like a homosexual man posting a message on some difficult issues he is having with his male partner to a typical heterosexual group; and most of the replies are essentially paraphrasing the same idea "this is why homosexuality is not a good idea; try to work on being heterosexual--then you won't have this problem".

Yes, both you and your husband have a lifestyle that is hard for most people living in 'traditional' monogamous married lives. Your perspectives and lifestyle is hard for most people to make sense of let alone have deep understanding of the inner workings of.

I think you would be right in saying that perhaps posting your comments in a swingers forum might help you receive more helpful comments/suggestions from people who actually have similar life experiences and therefore better and more insightful and personal understanding of the situation you are in.

The suggestion I would make is, since it sounds like you two have had a very good communication system set up, it may be best to have an honest conversation with your husband about it. He has been sincere in letting you know how he feels once the situation with Ben changed, so I think it's only fair that you also are sincere in letting him know how you have changed as a result of the recent change.

Perhaps, you two searching for a another regular 3-some partner would meet your needs and would help you with your sexual frustrations.

Best wishes.
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Old 8th October 2017, 3:26 PM   #14
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The answer to your problem is simple. Get another man to replace Ben and continue having 3somes with your husband.
I have a feeling that will not work quite so well now, both for the OP who will be looking for more "quality" guys and not for her husband who I doubt is the cuckold type.
I guess he got off on being the "superior guy", being in control of the op and the other guy.
They, being both "inferior" to him, performed for his pleasure, as opposed to him being humiliated by a more superior man.
Ben turned out not to be a lowly guy who was leaving and no threat, but a superstud and a man made of better stuff than he was, so he had to stop that right in its tracks...
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Old 8th October 2017, 5:52 PM   #15
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I feel nauseas reading this thread.


What is the purpose of marriage? Why do it?
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